Chapter 25

Arianna

I don't get a chance to speak to Nikolai that day. I'm overwhelmed by visits and well-wishes from Dimitri, Endo, and Kimiko, and by the end of it, I'm exhausted and fall asleep.

When Nikolai comes to me the next day, I try to talk but he dismisses me, telling me to rest. "You can tell me when you're better," he insists.

The following day, the doctors finally discharged me. When we leave, he takes me to the penthouse in New York telling me, "I figured you'd feel safer here for now than at the house."

He's right and I'm grateful for it. Once inside, I try to talk again.

"Nikolai, we need to talk," I say, taking a seat on the sofa.

"I know. But first, there's something you need to see," he tells me handing over a folded piece of paper.

My brow furrows in confusion. "What is it?"

He lets out a sigh. "It's a letter. From Maria."

"How did she…" I ask trailing off in confusion.

"She came to a meeting with Castro and managed to hand it to Kimiko. I think you deserve to read it."

"You've read it," I state, knowing from his face that he has.

"I did. We had to be sure that it wasn't anything untoward, that you aren't—"

"A spy?"

He winces at my words, clearly regretting that he still doesn't trust me. I don't allow myself to dwell on that fact. It's too painful. Too fresh.

I take the letter from him. "Would you mind giving me some privacy to read it alone?"

"Of course, take your time," he says, leaving the room.

As I read the letter, the walls I had built inside to protect me from all of the pain and suffering come crashing down. Huge tears well up and cascade down my face as I allow myself to finally cry. To sob. I am so happy for her. So relieved that despite everything, she has managed to find happiness. Maria's letter has released me and given me a new resolve and strength I didn't know I had.

I cry for myself. For Nikolai. And for the unborn child inside of me, as I realize what I have to do.

When my tears have finally dried up, I go to Nikolai's room. He's pacing around anxiously. When I enter he looks at me with hope and concern in his eyes.

"Arianna. Is there anything I can do?"

I know we need to talk. I need to rip the band-aid off and do it sooner rather than later. But I'm too emotionally drained right now to face it.

"Just hold me," I ask.

He nods, silently pulling me into a warm embrace. We stand like that for a while, with me quietly crying into his chest, more tears that I didn't think I had in me.

"Can I sleep in here with you?" I ask in a small voice.

He tenses, and I think I've ruined it. That he'll reject me. I've gone and broken our last unbroken rule. But then he says, "Of course."

He strips down to his boxers, looking away as I take off my clothes and pull on one of his t-shirts that he hands me to sleep in. The irony of him giving me my privacy when he knows my body more intimately than I know it myself is uncharacteristically sweet. He's treating me like a fragile, precious thing made of glass. Right now, I feel like I am. The smell of him envelops me comfortingly as I pull the too-large t-shirt on.

We climb into the bed and I rest my head on his chest, savoring the warm feeling of his body against mine for one last time. Without thinking, I tilt my head up and kiss him. He only hesitates for a moment before kissing me back.

The kiss deepens and all of a sudden, I'm hungry for him. I climb on top of him, pulling the t-shirt over my head. He kisses me tenderly, taking a breast in his mouth and sucking on my nipples in turn. Then, he wraps an arm around my waist and flips me over onto my back so he's on top.

"Are you sure you're well enough to…" he asks.

"Yes, Nikolai, I won't break," I lie.

Physically, it's true, but emotionally I'm holding on by a thread. I need the distraction. To be with him, here and now.

He pulls off his boxers and slowly enters the already wet and ready area between my thighs. I wrap my legs around him as he moves slowly in and out. The sex is so unlike any other time we've shared before. Tender, gentle, and dare I say it, loving. He works slowly, allowing the orgasm to build inside of me as I kiss him and he kisses me back. When I climax, the feeling is deeper and not as intense, yet every bit as incredible and satisfying as ever.

"Nikolai," I moan as he pumps inside of me, letting out a groan as he releases.

It occurs to me then how we never once used protection. How we never even thought about the life we might create. The one that he can never know is now growing inside me. Was this baby fated to be born? The fact that some good will come out of this is comforting.

He holds me, looking deep into my eyes.

"Arianna…" he starts and I think he's about to utter the words I so desperately long to hear from him but cannot let him say. The words I want to whisper—I love you.

I plant a small peck on his lips. "Don't. Let's just sleep now," I tell him.

Confusion flits across his face, but he nods. Lying down, he pulls me into his arms with my back pressed against his body, curling around me. I know that once I tell him everything, he will never look at me like the same again. That this is the last time he'll hold me in his arms. The thought is almost enough to break me. But I focus on the child inside of me, the life that I need to give them. The life I never had. For this baby, I will give up everything. Even the man I love.