25. Luca

25 /

luca

There was no sign of Harper anywhere. I checked the Warriors' practice rink in Amherst, drove by places we'd enjoyed together, and then walked around our neighborhood. I eventually texted Gabe, who said he hadn't heard from him and asked if everything was okay. I replied with a simple "yes," which was the biggest lie I'd told in years. Harp was missing, and I'd broken his heart without doing anything wrong. Nothing in the goddamn universe was okay.

I texted and called him all day, but he never replied. Caleb had gotten a seat on an afternoon plane to Chicago, and I didn't object when he offered to take an Uber to the airport. His role in what happened was so harmful, I wondered if our friendship would survive. I tried not to dwell on that because finding Harper was far more important.

Throughout the afternoon, I checked his apartment to see if he'd come home. I needed a distraction, but reading was impossible. After shining several pairs of shoes, I tried to play a video game. That was a bust, so I turned on music for background noise. Unable to sit still, I went downstairs to wait in Harper's apartment until he came home. He might tell me to leave, but I wouldn't budge before saying my piece.

I watched a movie to pass the time, choosing one we'd seen together so I'd feel closer to him. When my heart practically wrapped around itself, I realized it was a stupid idea and changed channels. The evening dragged by as every sound, real or imaginary, became Harper's footsteps in the hallway or his key in the lock. Sometime after midnight, I fell asleep, waking up between dreams that reminded me of feverish nights when I was a kid. Harper would come in and be thrilled to see me. We'd talk, make out, and put this awful day behind us. Then, without warning, the dream would turn into a nightmare. He'd storm in, furious to find me there and yelling that we were over.

The dreams changed again when Harper shook me awake. He said nothing, only stared at me with flinty eyes. His flared nostrils and deep frown were chilling, and I braced myself for another nightmare. When he finally spoke, I wished he'd stayed quiet.

"What the hell are you doing in my apartment?" he demanded. "You have a colossal nerve letting yourself in here."

He loomed over me as I struggled to sit up. "Please listen to me, Harp. Nothing was?—"

"Do you have any idea how much you've hurt me? How could you do it?"

"I didn't do anything."

"Who are you? You're not the Luca I thought I knew." His voice cracked on the last word, and he wrapped his arms around himself.

Whoa—this is no dream. He's actually here this time.

"I'm so glad to see you." I jumped up and tried to hug him, but he shoved me away. I resisted the urge to ask where he'd been. Cornering him was no way to start a productive conversation, though I was beginning to wonder if we'd be able to talk at all. "I've been so worried about you," I said. "Please listen to me."

"No. Go back upstairs and leave me alone." He went into the kitchen for a bottle of water, then watched me like a dangerous animal while he drank it.

"Harp, what happened was not what it seemed like, not what you think. I know it looked bad, but it wasn't."

"Go away, Luca." His voice cracked again. "Please."

"I'm not going anywhere until you talk to me."

He finished the water, tossed the bottle into the recycling bin, and headed upstairs with me on his tail. On the landing, he whirled around, and his eyes tore into mine as he yelled, "I don't want to hear anything you have to say. Stop following me and get the hell out of my apartment. I'm sure Caleb's missing you upstairs."

"No, he isn't, not that I'd give a shit if he was."

Harp picked up a suitcase he'd started packing for Maine and placed it on the bed. With plenty of travel experience, he took some things out, then moved around the room gathering other items to pack. He ignored me completely.

"Harp?"

Without so much as a glance my way, he went into the bathroom and began tossing toiletries into an overnight bag. I stood in the doorway watching him while I gathered my nerve to try again. "Nothing happened up there last night. You know how upset Caleb was. I tried to calm him down and didn't realize how much time was going by. We eventually called Daniel, but even after they made up, Caleb was still antsy. Believe it or not, I tried to hurry things along so I could get back to you."

Harper zipped the bag shut and glared at me. "Why didn't you just say your boyfriend was waiting and leave? You could have talked again this morning."

"I was stupid and made a bad mistake. Haven't you ever made one?"

"Out of my way." He edged by me and went into his closet for shoes.

I stood in the narrow doorway, looking in. "Caleb and I both fell asleep, and when I woke up about four o'clock, I decided not to disturb you. I went to bed, and Caleb slept on the couch. He came upstairs early this morning because he was cold, but I barely woke up. Nothing happened."

"That's fucking rich." Harper planted himself in front of me, eyes cold and face set. We were toe to toe, so close together I could feel his body heat. He must have been intimidating as hell on the ice.

"It's not fucking rich. It's fucking true."

"I saw where he slept, Luca. The sheets were pulled back, and I could see how wrinkled they were. I don't even want to think about how they got that way." Despite his intimidating stance, his voice broke again.

We were getting nowhere, and there would be no hope of progress if we kept snapping at each other. Afraid it would irritate him if I said the sheets were so wrinkled because he and I had fucked there all week, I lowered my voice. "I was planning to come down here and wake you this morning. I would have if I hadn't overslept."

"What made you so sure I was asleep to begin with? I stayed up waiting for you." His voice was a bit softer, but he inched forward again, forcing me to back up. "And why didn't you come down anyway? You were my boyfriend. It's not like I'd have minded you waking me up."

I was his boyfriend? Past tense? "I looked for my phone and realized I must have left it down here. It was very late, and I knew you'd have come to see what was wrong if you were still up."

"Fuck that!" He pushed me aside and tossed his shoes on the floor next to the bed, then went to the window. He opened the blinds and looked out, standing with his back to me.

Since crowding him had made him angry, I gave him space. "It's true, Harp. I made a huge mistake, but I'm telling you the truth."

He turned, looking furious. "I can't believe I was stupid enough to fall for you. I knew this would happen. Get out of here. I don't want to see you."

In a flash, I remembered what Harper's ex had told him: "You're a good guy, but you're not a keeper." My heart collapsed on itself, and I reached for him. "Come here."

He batted my arms away. Tears filled his eyes, and his expression morphed into that of a hurting kid.

I took a long, centering breath. "Harp, after what we've become to each other, won't you give me the benefit of the doubt? Don't throw away what we have."

"What was it we had, exactly? A fantasy, like one of the books? Deep down, I knew you were still in love with Caleb."

"I'm not." I grasped his arms, and when he didn't shake my hands away, I kept talking. "I haven't loved Caleb for a long time. I knew that, but I was too confused to know what my feelings were. It took you to help clarify things, so please let me explain it to you." I looked into Harp's glimmering eyes. My hands were still on his arms, and my knees shook. Clammy sweat trickled down the back of my neck.

"How long is Caleb staying?" he asked.

"He's already gone. Flew back to Chicago this afternoon."

Harper pulled his arms free and closed his eyes. He took several breaths before opening them again, and when he did, his gaze was slightly warmer. "I'm going out of town, but I'll talk to you when I get back."

"Can't we talk now?"

"I said, we'll talk after I get back. I'm too raw right now. I wouldn't be able to truly hear anything you say, much less process it."

"Please don't go while things are like this."

"Luca…" He moaned and shook his head. "I'm not giving up on us. What we had meant everything, and we deserve a chance to sort things out before we walk away from it."

"Then why?—"

His voice rose. "Goddammit, can't you hear me? Talking now will only make things worse. I'll be back next Sunday, and we can talk then."

My stomach tanked. "You're leaving for a week?"

He gripped my arms, and his voice dropped to a low growl. "I'm furious and hurt, and this is dredging up every failed relationship I've ever had. There's a storm inside me right now, and if I don't get through it, I'll never be able to think clearly. I'm not giving up on us, but I need time."

I nodded, realizing he wasn't going to change his mind. "Where are you going?"

His eyes darted around before locking onto mine. "D.C."

At least he wasn't going to a beach resort where he'd be surrounded by a thousand horny gay men ready to jump his bones. "Can I text you while you're gone?"

He hesitated. "Don't blow up my phone. And don't count on many replies."

"But you said?—"

"I said we'll talk when I get back."