24. Harper

24 /

harper

Numbness set in as I drove south on Route 5. When I left Luca's apartment, my only thought was to get away, to put as much distance between us as possible. Mohegan University, my alma mater, seemed like a safe place to go. It was about an hour south of Buffalo, and since I'd graduated years earlier, the chances of running into familiar faces were slim. Hopefully, I'd be able to clear my head and decide what the hell to do next. Ignoring the pain when I passed Lake Erie Beach, I kept my eyes fixed on the road and focused on the music blaring through my speakers. If I broke down, I'd never be able to sort things out.

Mohegan was in Winscombe, a small town near the lake. When I arrived, Paschall Arena—where I'd played hockey for four years—loomed in the distance. I considered going there, but it would be locked up tight on a summer Saturday. With a heavy sigh, I drove on to another old hangout.

The No Doze Café was in a grove of trees facing the street on one side and the old part of campus on the other. Only a few people were inside, and after getting an iced mocha, I claimed a table beside a window. I stared at the ivy-covered buildings in the distance while I tried to remain calm.

It was a hopeless task because my emotions were caught in a whirlwind, slipping further out of my control every minute. My gut twisted when I remembered what I'd seen, and my heart stammered every time I thought about Luca. Twenty-four hours earlier, we'd been so happy to be together and excited about our trip. A day later, the trip was toast, and so was our relationship.

Caleb was clearly a man with superpowers. Anyone who could walk in and turn something beautiful into total shit in less than a day had a special talent. Sipping my coffee, I began to wonder if there had ever been a relationship to ruin. Maybe it was all an illusion fueled by loneliness, and Luca and I were never more than fuck buddies who enjoyed fantasy so much we created one of our own.

In Luca's apartment, I'd thought what happened was obvious, but now I was confused—sure of what I saw but uncertain about what it meant. I was dizzy from my seesawing thoughts, torn between believing Luca had cheated on me and doubting he'd have done it.

Given my history with men, I'd been delusional to think Luca would stick around. I should have known better than to let my guard down because feelings were a luxury I couldn't afford. They were brilliant and dazzling, but they always left me in ruins when they faded. Men invariably walked away from me, and after the shock wore off, I had to pick up the pieces of my shattered heart, wondering if I'd ever be able to glue them back together.

I should have stuck to sex because it was about satisfying a physical need and then moving on with my life. Luca had been the right man to take care of my desires, but I'd been an idiot to fall for him. Wild with hope that I'd found the right guy at last, I jumped into the deep end. Was it possible Caleb's trip to Buffalo had been a good thing, forcing me to climb out of the water before I drowned?

My stomach clenched when I wondered how Luca was feeling. Was he sorry he'd hurt me, or sad because I hadn't been able to measure up to Caleb? Whatever was on his mind, he needed to accept that no one would ever be able to compete with Caleb. What a tragedy, because unless Caleb left Daniel, Luca was destined to live as lonely a life as I was.

Sadness enveloped me like a shroud. It seemed impossible that I'd only imagined Luca and I had something genuine. Our feelings had been real, but I was too lost in his magic to recognize the power Caleb still had over him. Luca probably hadn't known, either. He wanted to be happy and share a life with a man who loved him, but the bond between him and Caleb was too powerful to break. I thought again about how lonely Luca would be, trapped in a hell he could never escape.

Just like I am.

I walked around campus after finishing my coffee. The main quad was lush and green, and the dorms around its perimeter were locked up for the summer. As I walked down a path toward the arena, I passed a dorm reserved for hockey and baseball players. It was open, probably for one of the numerous athletic camps Mohegan hosted. I considered going inside since it had been my home for four years, but why? It would have only given me an excuse to put off dealing with my situation.

Several elm trees graced the lawn beside the dorm, and I sat down on a bench underneath them. I needed time to process everything before facing Luca. I couldn't go back to Buffalo and say, "Okay, you can fuck Caleb when you want, but meanwhile, on to Maine?" Some guys might be okay with that, but not me.

I looked around, and memories came rushing back from years earlier—Eckie and I had been sitting on the same bench, both wearing gym shorts and Mohegan U Hockey T-shirts. He was high, telling stories that made me laugh so hard people probably thought I was stoned, too. Horny as hell, I couldn't keep my eyes off him. Though I hadn't known he liked guys, he made frequent appearances in my jerkoff fantasies.

Eckie was one of my best friends now, and an idea flickered to life. Would he and Jack let me stay with them in D.C. for a while? I'd turned my phone off when I left Buffalo, so I pulled it out of my pocket and powered it back on. My heart stuttered while the screen lit up with a barrage of messages from Luca. I considered deleting the entire thread, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Instead, I typed a message to Eckie.

HARPER: I know it's last minute, and there's no problem if the answer's no, but could I come down and stay with you guys for a few days?

HARPER: Actually, maybe as long as a week?

Music from inside the dorm filled the air while I waited. It wasn't long before my screen lit up with a reply.

ECKIE: You're welcome here any time. Just you, or you and Luca?

HARPER: Just me. Long story about Luca, but I think that's all dead now.

ECKIE: Fuck. What happened?

HARPER: Can I tell you when I get there?

A moment later, a photo of Levi and Jack walking on the beach came through, followed by another text.

ECKIE: Of course. I'm sorry, Harpy. When do you want to come?

If I sneaked back to Buffalo and packed a bag tonight, I could leave in the morning.

HARPER: Tomorrow? I'll leave Buffalo early and be there in the afternoon.

ECKIE: We'll be here. Take it easy, and maybe we can figure things out.

HARPER: Thanks. See you soon.

I was relieved to have a plan. A week at Eckie's would help clear my head, and I'd go back to Buffalo right before training camp. Hopefully, by the time I saw Luca again, the sting of today would have dulled. We could nod and say hello in the parking garage, maybe have polite exchanges about hockey and lacrosse schedules. I'd spend the rest of my time alone.