8. Theo

CHAPTER 8

Theo

"That really isn't safe," Theo says.

"But I'm comfortable."

"Comfortable doesn't mean safe. You're gonna get hurt if we get into an accident."

"I didn't know you cared so much about me." Alec stretches his legs out, wiggling his socked toes against the windshield. "How about we make a deal? I'll stay here nice and comfortable and you don't get into an accident."

"Statistically speaking, ninety-four percent of accidents are caused by driver error, so even if I don't make any, the odds of someone else doing it are still high enough that I would feel better if you took your legs down."

"What if I don't want to?" Alec asks, stroking Rio's back. He really does look comfortable, legs stretched out and all but melted into Theo's seat, wearing Theo's shirt. It's a little disorienting, which is the only explanation for why Theo's pulse feels like it's racing. When he'd picked Alec up from the airport he'd thought it was dangerous, but he had pushed it aside because Alec was a grown-up who could make his own choices. Suddenly the consequences of those choices feel closer. Something has changed and the uncomfortable feeling in Theo's chest that demands he make sure Alec is safe is louder than ever.

"Well, you need to do it anyway, because I said so."

"Oh, that sounded bossy." Alec cackles. "Theodore, are you trying to boss me around? Gonna tell me what to do, big guy?"

"I don't think anyone in the world could tell you what to do."

"Damn right." He turns his head, watching Theo with unmasked mirth, and Theo's heart lodges itself in his throat. Alec looks relaxed and comfortable and Theo's hands tighten on the steering wheel as he takes their exit.

Alec sighs as Theo continues, "If we did get an accident?—"

"You're too safe of a driver. That won't happen."

"I said if, smartass."

"Oh, if . Talk dirty to me, Theodore."

"I'm gonna get into an accident if you don't stop that."

"Stop what?" Alec asks in entirely too innocent a voice. "I'm not doing anything."

Theo's cheeks heat. "Has anyone ever told you that you're a handful?"

"In or out of the bedroom?" Alec asks.

If Theo didn't already know Alec was a virgin he would've been absolutely certain that Alec was serious right now, his tone giving nothing away. It raises the question of how much of Alec's brashness is real and how much is false bravado. Before he can reply, Alec is speaking again.

"To answer your question, yes," Alec says. "I've been informed I'm the perfect size for two hands or a?—"

"Want music?" Theo interrupts, pretty sure if Alec finishes that sentence he might actually crash.

"Sure."

Theo grabs the auxiliary cord, passing it to Alec. "You can plug in your phone and put on whatever you like."

"Wow, I didn't know we were at this stage in our relationship. Way to make a boy swoon, Theodore."

Theo keeps his eyes firmly on the road, refusing to look at Alec because he knows if he does, his entire face might burst into flames. If he'd thought teenage Alec was a showoff, it was nothing compared to Alec now. The difference six years makes is everything.

"I don't have any emo sweater playlists, so this will have to do," Alec announces, putting on a loud, fast tempo song Theo's never heard.

"I'm not emo, fuck you."

"Oh, Theo cursed! Say shit next."

"Jesus Christ." Theo laughs.

"That works, too. In fact, maybe double points for taking the Lord's name in vain."

"Does that work if you're an atheist?"

"Good point. I'm more of an agnostic, so I guess you can have half a point."

"I take it back. I want my half a point back."

"Fine, one point for a fuck and two points for a Jesus Christ. Happy?"

"Very," Theo answers, unsure why he wants Alec's imaginary points.

They're going to be there soon, maybe five minutes, and he doesn't want it to end. He flips on his left blinker, merging into the lane with most traffic. If Alec notices, he says nothing.

"Sing with me," Alec pleads, turning the volume up.

"I can't sing," Theo says.

"Me either. What's your point?" Alec taps his fingers on his thighs, drumming out the same quick beat as the song. He catches Theo's eye and grins, the only warning before he starts singing along, off-key and full of exuberance. When Theo cracks a smile Alec whoops, singing even louder. It's ridiculous. Alec is ridiculous.

"Sing with me," Alec requests again.

Alec tips his head towards Theo's, his big eyes trained on him as his curls fall sideways. As a kid and teenager, his hair had been kept incredibly short. Theo hadn't even known Alec had curly hair until he'd started growing it out in high school. Even then it'd been wild and wavy. It's clear he's been learning to manage it because the curls are soft and thick now, tumbling into his eyes when Alec leans all the way across the center console to rest his cheek on Theo's shoulder.

To his surprise, Alec's hair smells sweet like flowers. Theo's mind conjures up an image of Alec running through the grass, the scent of summer and sun surrounding him.

"Please, Theo. For me."

He's using those damn puppy eyes on Theo and it sends all the blood rushing south. There was a time when Theo was the only person who could resist that look, but things change. When Alec bats his thick eyelashes at him, Theo knows he's a goner. Alec is the embodiment of everything warm and bright, his entire personality written in goddamn sunshine, and there's not a chance in hell Theo can tell him no.

"Fine, I'll sing."

Normally he doesn't sing in front of people. In fact, he can count on one hand the number of times he's sung in front of Jason, and each of those were only because he was drunk.

"Yes," Alec crows. "That's my boy."

For some reason those words have Theo's knuckles turning white on the steering wheel. "You have to put on a song I know though," Theo says. "Unless you want me to just sing the alphabet or something."

"As charming as I'm sure that would be, I'll have to pass. Let me see what else I have."

Theo focuses on the movement of traffic around them, eyes flickering from his rear view and side mirrors to Alec, whose tongue is protruding from his lips as he scrolls through his phone looking for a song. In his lap Rio appears to have fallen asleep, apparently as enamored with Alec as Theo is becoming. It's a problem. A big problem, and one he doesn't want to solve.

"Ah-ha. Perfect."

The second the song starts playing, Theo's lips curl up in a smile.

"Livingston. Is that just for me?"

Alec neither confirms nor denies his song choice, and instead rolls the window down to let the summer air whip through his hair. This side of town is always cooler because of its proximity to the sea, close enough Theo can smell the salt on the air as it enters the car. Despite the fresh air, Theo finds himself warmer than ever, wishing he'd put a shirt on under his sweater so he could take it off. He settles for shoving the sleeves up to his elbows, exposing his forearms and offering him a modicum of skin to cool off.

The familiar cadence of a violin hits and Theo takes a steadying breath. Ignoring the prickle of anxiety that comes with drawing any kind of attention to himself, he opens his mouth and sings. He starts quietly at first, his voice barely above a whisper. Then he hears Alec belt out the chorus. He's absolutely horrible and doesn't seem to care, and somehow it makes Theo feel braver.

When the last chorus begins, he sings louder. Not quite as loud as Alec, but then again, no one is ever as loud as Alec. As soon as the song ends, Alec puts on another one. Whether by coincidence or choice he's put on Theo's current favorite song. Without overthinking it he sings along with Alec again, his voice loud enough to be heard over the radio this time.

Outside the car traffic whizzes by, but inside the car, there's nothing but Alec and Theo singing as the breeze whips through their hair. It occurs to Theo he hasn't felt so happy or free in a long damn time. Something about this moment feels like a photograph come to life: Alec's head tipped back and his curls everywhere, the scent of summer in the air, and the freedom of the open road. With every word he sings, the smile on Theo's face grows, and he allows himself to get caught up in the melody while he turns into the shopping center. His own voice drops to barely above a whisper, unable to stomach the idea of the people walking to and from their cars around them being able to hear them. Alec suffers no such self consciousness, continuing to belt out the last of the chorus at a frankly impressive yet deafening volume while Theo parks.

He chooses a spot halfway back, the shade from the tree beside them offering a refuge from the sun as he rolls the windows up and shuts off the engine. Theo takes a few slow, deep breaths, unused to singing out loud. When he reaches for the door handle, he realizes how quiet it's gotten and turns to find Alec staring at him like he's grown a second head.

"What?"

"You can sing. You said you couldn't sing."

"I mean, technically anyone can sing. You just talk out loud but with a different pitch and cadence."

"Fuck you." Alec laughs. "You know what I mean. You're good. Really good."

The compliment has Theo flushing. He's never been good with accepting praise. "Just singing along to the radio."

"Well, whatever you call it, I could listen to you all day," Alec says. "You're singing to me when we drive home."

"No, I'm not."

"Yes, you are."

"No, I'm not," Theo objects, unsure why he's fighting it. He liked singing with Alec. It wasn't a hardship, it was fun, so he isn't sure why he's being so stubborn.

A little voice in the back of his mind whispers, yes, you do. You don't let yourself want things. You don't let yourself enjoy them . Thinking that makes Theo's entire body flush with a buzz of anxiety. He enjoys things. He likes things. He's happy.

Rio meows, climbing up towards Alec's shoulder.

"I know your Daddy is so stubborn, but he's gonna give in, baby. Just you watch."

The words do nothing to calm the waves of anxiety crashing in Theo's mind. When he was a kid, the Kings used to take him with them on beach days. Theo was never a very strong swimmer. The twins and Jason had all taken swimming lessons at the Y, but Theo had learned to swim awkwardly from summers at the high school pool, or times when the waves weren't too strong at the beach. Sometimes, though, the currents were strong, too big, and the twins and Jason used to take their boogie boards out and ride them. They'd always looked so excited to face something dangerous, while Theo would stand close to the shore, letting the waves crash around his ankles.

When he got older, he used to let Jason drag him out. He never got to be a better swimmer, but he got stronger and taller, which made the sea seem less scary. At least as long as he didn't go out as far as Charlie or Andrew, who used to goad each other into trying to see who could swim out the furthest. It'd backfired when Andrew had almost drowned when he was fifteen.

Theo had been there. Thirteen years old, watching lifeguards drag Andrew out unconscious. He'd gotten caught in the undertow that day. Andrew had been the best swimmer of all of them, and yet he'd almost drowned. Theo had stood there watching while Charlie screamed and Jason tried to keep a tiny, wailing Alec away from his big brother who was immobile on the sand because their parents had gone to the little food cart down the street to get everyone snow cones. The chaos had been terrifying. Theo still remembers the way the cherry red snow cone stained the sand when Mr. King dropped it and ran to his son.

Theo had looked down at the water lapping around his ankles and wondered if Andrew was going to die. He knew that no matter how safe things looked, the smallest thing could pull you under.

"You're daydreaming about saying yes to me, aren't you?" Alec asks, dragging Theo back to the present.

He startles, looking around at their surroundings. "Not exactly," he whispers.

Alec makes a humming sound as he swings open his door, turning so his long legs are halfway out then pauses, tipping his head back to look at Theo. Alec smirks, his curls tumbling back. He's got freckles all along his jaw, and the shirt he's wearing, Theo's shirt, hangs loose around his throat, exposing the line of his sharp collarbones.

"You're going to sing to me again, Theodore."

"How are you so sure?" Theo croaks.

"I just know." Alec smirks, shooting Theo a wink before hopping out of the car with Rio, leaving him no other choice but to trail after them both. He shoves his keys and wallet into his pocket and hurries after Alec. For someone so much smaller, he's quick on his feet, and he's halfway across the parking lot by the time Theo catches up with him.

"What is it, a race?" Theo asks.

"If it was, you would've lost."

Theo isn't sure if he‘s turned on by Alec's cocky attitude or if he wants to laugh. Possibly a little bit of both, which is unexpected to say the least. There are people Theo enjoys, mostly only Jason, and then there are people he gets turned on by. There is usually no overlap, which is possibly why Theo's few attempts at dating over the years have failed so miserably. He doesn't find it hard to find people attractive, but he'd gone out of his way to pick people he wouldn't have picked as friends to keep things easy.

Nothing about Alec is easy, and while he should probably hate it he doesn't, not even a little bit.

"Considering I'm standing right next to you, obviously not."

"Not for long," Alec replies, taking off. It's hard to tell if Alec is trying to take it easy on him or if he's sore from his fall, because even though he's running, there's something stilted about his movements. What Theo lacks in speed he makes up for in having really long legs, and he catches up to Alec just in time to catch sight of his profile and the pain on his face. The expression is there and gone, replaced with an easy smile by the time Theo's stopping beside Alec in front of the large double doors. Before he can get a chance to ask Alec about it he's holding Rio out, much the same as he had when Theo had first opened the front door this morning and found them standing there.

"Look at her, Theo. Isn't she the cutest thing you've ever seen?"

As if to prove his point he presses his face into her side and rubs his cheek into her fur, prompting the kitten to turn and attack Alec's curls.

"She's cute," Theo laughs, grateful Alec is too distracted to notice his flush.

It's painfully embarrassing at how equally taken he is with the man holding the kitten. Alec's cheeks are flushed pink and his smile so earnest and uninhibited that it robs some of the air from Theo's lungs. He can't imagine living life with your feelings just out there all the time for anyone to see. How can Alec stand to be perceived so often? To have people just know how he feels? It makes him vulnerable. And brave.

Thinking about that bravery sparks a train of thought Theo isn't sure he likes. What if he's not attracted to Alec? What if instead he's jealous of him. It would make more sense than anything else. Somehow the thought isn't very comforting. Alec is a great guy who has worked his ass off to get where he is and despite his easy-going demeanor, he's endured some stuff that would've made other people lose their spark. Being jealous of his happiness and light, of how easy he makes life look, kind of makes Theo feel like a dick.

"Let's go, Theodore. Little Miss needs food."

"Just for the record, I have no idea what we need. You're going to have to be in charge, sorry."

"Oh, no," Alec sighs dramatically. "Me be the boss? Whatever will I do? How on earth will I cope? This is a lot of responsibility and work. I'm not sure if I can handle the pressure. I might crumble. I might?—"

"Alright, alright." Theo snorts. "Point made."

"Is it, though?" Alec grins, disentangling one of the kitten's claws from his hair and pulling her back towards his chest. "If not, I can keep going."

"I have no doubt you could."

The thought makes Theo strangely happy. His life is quiet, at least when Jason isn't around, and he's always liked it that way. Or so he thought. He likes this time with Alec too, noisy and unplanned as it is.

"As long as we're both in agreement, I win and I'm the boss. By the way, did you know cats have thirty-two muscles in each ear?" Alec announces, hip checking Theo. He leaves Theo no time to actually reply before he's moving into the store. "Come on, Theo, we don't have all day."

Theo scurries after him for the second time that day, doing as he's told and withdrawing a shopping cart from the row of them that line the front door. Theo's eyes trail all over the store, the bright lights and sparkling white linoleum floor at odds with the shelves, overflowing with animal supplies. There's an entire aisle dedicated to birds, another for reptiles and even one for small rodents. Theo's senses are overwhelmed by the scent of hay for the horse feed area on the right, and something else that Alec assures him is merely pet food smell. Whatever it is, he's not a fan and he wrinkles his nose, sticking close to Alec, who meanders through the store like it's a second home.

Forty minutes later, the cart is full of more things than seems possible for something as small as Rio. There are the basics like the pet bed, though, why Alec insisted on getting one that looks like a banana is beyond Theo. There's also food of various kinds, including wet food and formula, both of which Alec insists are necessary along with a litter pan, a pooper-scooper because this is apparently going to be Theo's life now, and finally, food dishes. All of those things had been easy enough, but then they'd come for the collar last, which is where they'd been stuck for the last twenty minutes.

"Do you like the blue or the green?" Alec asks, holding up two options.

Five minutes ago he'd been debating between a pink one with a bell, and a red one with soccer balls. The soccer one had nearly made it into the cart, but then Alec appeared to have some kind of internal argument with himself and put them both back, leaving them at square one again.

"Blue seems fitting."

"That might be too on the nose though," Alec sighs, as if the color choice of the collar is life or death.

"You know you can just get both? Or buy one and change it later."

"No, I can't. It's your kitten. I'm not gonna just change her collar because I want to."

"And yet you're the one picking it out now," Theo points out. "You picked out the food bowls and the bed too."

"Shit," Alec curses. "You're right. You pick."

Theo frowns. He hadn't meant to earn himself this responsibility. Rio might technically be his, but he still has no idea what to do with her, and feels a lot safer with Alec holding her and making all the decisions.

"You can pick," he tries.

"No, you're right, she's yours. You should pick."

Alec takes a step away from the row of collars, not at all subtly nudging Theo forward. When Theo doesn't move, he presses his hand into the center of Theo's lower back and gives a shove, surprisingly strong for his size.

"No pressure, but you're basically choosing her future."

"It's just a collar."

"Nope, it's her entire future." He says it so seriously Theo isn't sure if he's being serious or hyperbolic. "This could determine her future vibes forever. When I was born, my baby blanket was covered with soccer balls and look where that got me."

"To be fair, that blanket also had tennis balls and footballs," Theo grins, reminded of a much smaller version of Alec who used to drag that blanket all over the house, including into Jason's room to try and play with them.

"See, ball obsessed. It's like the universe took one look at me when I was born and they knew I'd be gay. I fucking love balls. Why are you blushing? You're a sexually active bisexual man, don't you like balls?"

All the blood in Theo's body rushes directly to his cheeks. "I really don't think you're supposed to ask me that in the middle of a pet store."

"Does that mean there's somewhere I can ask you that?" Alec is the least bashful virgin Theo's ever met.

"I genuinely can't tell if you're joking or serious."

"I'm always serious," Alec deadpans. "Unless I'm not."

"That isn't helping in the least," Theo sighs, pulling his sweater down over his hands. He toys with the wrist, the feeling of knotted yarn beneath his fingers familiar enough to ground him. "Do you actually want to know what I like?"

The question sits heavy in his gut as he waits, unsure why he cares what the answer is. He doesn't want to like Alec like that. He can't like Alec like that, so why does he want Alec to like him? He's spent years making sure Alec got over his crush. Is that what this is? Is he being a selfish prick wanting attention he isn't willing to give back?

"Wouldn't you like to know." Alec grins in a way that has Theo's insides twisting up. It's hot and sudden and burns and Theo is a teenager again, trying to subtly check out guys in the locker room, worrying he's going to get punched in the face or lose his best friend. Probably not jealousy, then, Theo thinks as he tries to tamper down the flare of arousal. Try being the operative word. Alec really is devastatingly pretty, with his full lips, golden skin, dark eyes and freckles. He's got so many freckles, and Theo wants to brush the collar of the too-big shirt Alec is wearing aside and trace the ones near his collarbone with his fingers and–oh no.

Oh no.

"Like I was saying," Alec continues, blissfully unaware of Theo's life threatening to fall apart all around him. "This could determine her entire future."

"No pressure." Theo groans.

"I believe in you. Also, I gotta piss." Rio is unexpectedly pressed against his chest, Alec's fingers skimming his sweater. The contact is brief, leaving him with his hands full of kitten on unsteady feet as the realization sits heavy and loud in his mind.

He likes Alec. He likes him. He can't even recall the last time he had an honest to god crush on someone. High school probably, and even then he was smart enough not to do anything about it.

"Pick a collar," Alec reminds him without bothering to turn around.

Unfortunately, the world does not steady as Alec gets further away, likely because Theo can't take his eyes off Alec's backside and the movement of his hips and thighs. It's only when Alec has rounded the end of the aisle and disappeared from sight that Theo's gaze snaps down to the kitten in his arms. She appears equally confused by the turn of events, clearly not as comfortable with Theo as she is with Alec, judging by the way she half meows and half hisses while she tries to crawl away.

"I know how you feel," Theo mutters.

Desperate for a distraction, he turns to the little wall of collars. When it'd been Alec choosing he hadn't really paid too much attention, but now that it's all on him he does, gaze roaming over the selection. It should be simple, but nothing in Theo's life has been simple since Alec came back into his life.

As if to echo his thoughts, his phone rings, Theo doesn't even need to pull it out of his pocket to know who is calling him on a Saturday morning. The phone rings several more times and Theo debates not answering, because he isn't in the right frame of mind to make small talk or explain what the hell he's doing when he barely knows himself. On the fifth ring he pulls it out, knowing it's Jason and also knowing there's nothing his best friend hates more than being ignored.

Swiping open the call, he holds it to his ear, wishing Rio would stop attacking his sweater and praying she doesn't loudly meow while he's on the phone.

"Thought you were gonna make me go to voicemail, dude."

"Nah, I just couldn't find my phone." This is a blatant lie, but better than the alternative, which is admitting he wasn't sure he wanted to talk to his best friend. He already knows he's an asshole for catching feelings for Jason's brother. He doesn't need to add on to the pile of misdeeds. "What's up?"

"Do I need a reason to call my favorite person in the entire world?" Jason asks.

The ease with which he says it somehow lessens and worsens the invisible rope around Theo's heart. He can't act on this crush with Alec. He can't risk his friendship with Jason. Nothing in the world is worth that.

"Let me guess, you just woke up and realized you forgot to grocery shop last night, and you have no food but didn't want to eat breakfast alone."

"Fuck off," Jason laughs.

"I'm right and we both know it."

"Fuck you." There's some more cursing and strange background noise as if Jason dropped the phone. Probably did, knowing him. "So are you coming?"

"Coming where?"

"To breakfast, asshole."

"I already ate."

"Then have a coffee."

Rio's tiny claws unravel one of the threads of Theo's sweater. It's fitting, since Theo feels like his entire life is on the precipice of unraveling with one small revelation.

"I, uh," Theo pauses, staring down at Rio and wishing she would stop staring back. "I'm just running some errands."

"I could come run them with you," Jason offers. "I need to get out of the house and get groceries today anyway. There's jack shit in my house to eat."

The offer isn't exactly unexpected. Though they don't always make an actual plan, inevitably he and Jason see each other most weekends. Even though Jason has a lot of other friends from work, he always makes time for Theo. That and Jason hates being alone, which means he'll often follow Theo around on his errands, or watch tv at Theo's house if he has a report to work on and is too busy to go anywhere. Theo's never minded, but he's never been with Alec before. Jason would probably be delighted to come buy kitten supplies and meet Rio, and the fact that Theo doesn't want him to be part of this yet has guilt churning in Theo's gut.

For the first time in Theo's entire life, he's got a secret he doesn't want to share with Jason and he has no idea what that means. He wants to tell himself he's protecting his friendship with Alec while it strengthens, but it's yet another lie. The truth is the one it protects is Theo.

"I can't, Jason."

The line goes quiet, making Theo's ear rush. "You've got someone at your house, don't you?"

"No," Theo answers too quickly.

Jason cackles. "Dude, if you're with a hookup, you just need to tell me. You know I'm not gonna judge."

"I'm not with a hookup," Theo hisses, looking around the aisle. He's still alone, and with no sign of Alec. "I'm alone."

He doesn't feel too guilty about that one since it's not entirely untrue. Alec is in the bathroom so he is alone, sort of. If you don't count the kitten in his arms, which he really doesn't want to.

"Uh-huh." Jason's tone makes it clear he doesn't believe him.

"I'm not with anyone, I swear."

"Oh, so you just don't want my company then." Jason laughs, but the joke is too close to home for Theo, who recalls being eight years old and having Jason hold his hand. He thinks of being twelve and Jason letting him sleep in his bed because that's what brothers do, even though they weren't really. It might not be a romantic love, but he loves Jason, and he doesn't want to hurt him.

"I was thinking we could go hit a club tonight," Theo blurts.

"A club?" Jason perks up like a dog being given a bone. "We haven't gone out to one of those in months."

"I know. We should go, get some drinks and relax."

"Is ‘relax' code for wild sex? Do you need a wingman? I'll be your wingman. What are you feeling? Straight club or gay club. The guys love me at a gay club. Please say gay club, please say gay club."

"Are you sure you're straight?" Theo laughs.

"No attention-shaming, asshole. A guy can wanna have someone buy him a drink and tell him he's a snack without it meaning anything," Jason protests. "Besides, I'm not in the mood to hook up."

It's on the tip of his tongue to ask if Jason is still upset about his ex, although calling her that might be giving her too much credit. She'd let Jason date her for a few months, take her out and buy her things, and then dumped him when she found someone new. Jason deserves better, but every time Theo tries to bring it up, he changes the subject. If he wants to go to a club, then that's exactly where Theo will take him.

"Well, I definitely want to hook up."

He's already lied to Jason once today, one more won't hurt. Maybe if he says it out loud, it'll become true. Besides, maybe getting out and finding someone to scratch an itch will rid him of this ridiculous crush on Alec.