7. Alec

CHAPTER 7

Alec

"So we need to go to the pet store. Soon. Very soon."

Ever since they finished breakfast, Alec's been waiting for Theo to point out that he is still here, technically uninvited. Well, Theo is far too polite for his own good so he would never do that, but Alec knows how to read between the lines of what people do and don't say. Once he's overstayed his welcome it'll be obvious, even if Theo doesn't come out and say it.

The only way to avoid that from happening is to keep them occupied. It's also true that they do in fact need to go to the store. He just neglects to point out that if Theo preferred, Alec could easily make him a list of things to buy and he could do it alone. Well, what he really wants is for Theo to want him to help, but since that is unlikely, he settles for making himself needed.

"Do we?" Theo replies, his tone impossible to read.

"Obviously." Alec waves his hand in the air, stray Oreo crumbs falling onto his bare stomach. He brushes them onto the floor before lifting the package up and holding it out towards Theo. "Want one?"

"Those are technically mine, you know."

"Which is exactly why I'm offering." Alec grins. "I'm a very polite boy. Do you want one before I finish the pack off?"

"I thought you were on a strict meal plan from your nutritionist and?—"

"Zip it," Alec interrupts.

Theo snaps his mouth shut and Alec tries not to think too hard about why he likes knowing Theo will listen to him when he's bossy. His brothers never listen, the fuckers.

"Do you really hate it?" Theo asks a moment later.

"Hate what?" Alec asks, popping the second half of his Oreo into his mouth. He's pretty sure he knows what Theo means, but he hopes he's wrong.

"The meal plan? Jason said it's stressful."

"Jason has a big fucking mouth," Alec grumbles.

"He worries about you. You're his baby brother."

The words are probably meant to be comforting, but they're like sandpaper against Alec's heart, a harsh reminder of what he will always be to Theo.

"I can take care of myself just fine, thank you."

"He loves you. You know he'd do anything for you."

"Ugh, don't make me think sappy thoughts about Jason," Alec groans dramatically, dropping his head back on the couch. He really does love his brother, a stupid amount, but he's also a pain in the ass.

"Jason is the best."

A prickle of the same jealousy Alec used to feel when he was fifteen teases at the edge of his mind, and Alec hates that all it takes is a few hours with Theo to turn him back into a pathetic version of himself. He doesn't want to be jealous of Jason.

"We've established you have a giant fucking crush on Jason. Can we move on to the shopping list."

Theo's thick eyebrows knit together. "I don't have a crush on Jason."

"Uh-huh," Alec says while shoving an Oreo in his mouth to hide the fact that his face is trying to form a smile without his permission. He has to remind himself that just because Theo doesn't have a crush on Jason now doesn't mean he never did, or that they never fooled around. Some people have sex without feelings. If Jason is telling the truth, and he always is, Theo certainly does. Which is fine. Alec's not gonna judge someone. It just makes him jealous as fuck because he doesn't want a one night stand or a meaningless fuck, he wants romance. A fact he intends to take to his grave, possibly with his virginity if he continues to be picky and turn guys down left and right.

Suddenly the cookie in his mouth tastes like concrete and it's all he can do to choke it down. He doesn't like lying, and he rarely has to because people don't ask if he likes the thing he was born to do. They don't ask if he has fun playing anymore. They don't ask if he's happy with his career path. Everyone looks at Alec and sees a bright future. Alec seems to be the only one worried that future might burn him alive.

The Oreo lodges itself in his throat and Alec barely chokes it down, fighting back a sigh as he reseals the package and tosses it onto the coffee table, no longer in the mood for cookies anymore. There's no one who can ruin Alec's good mood like his own brain.

Judging by the look on Theo's face it's obvious he's still waiting for an answer, so Alec tries to be as honest as he can without exposing everything. "No one ever likes being told what to do, do they?"

"Some people might," Theo says.

"Are you some people?" Alec asks, poking Theo's thigh with his toe. He's infinitely more comfortable having the tables turned on Theo.

"I like knowing what to do," Theo muses, "but I can't say I am particularly fond of being told exactly what to do."

"Imagine being told what you can eat and drink, when you're supposed to work out, when you can rest, and what extracurriculars you are and aren't allowed to do," Alec says before he can think better of it.

Holding his breath, he waits for Theo's probing questions or worse, for him to tell Alec it's the cost of getting what he wants. Rio settles on his stomach and he focuses on her instead.

"That sounds hard."

Understanding is somehow worse than anything he expected. Leave it to Theo to be the one person who gets it.

"The cost of being talented. We can't all be a superstar," Alec jokes.

"Sure thing, hotshot." Theo pats Alec's ankle and though it's a fleeting, playful touch, Alec's entire body burns and he shoves his feet under Theo's thighs in the shameless hopes of more contact. Theo lifts one eyebrow but doesn't say anything. He doesn't touch Alec's ankles again, doesn't touch any part of him, but he also doesn't make any move to dislodge Alec's feet.

"So you mentioned the pet store. Does it matter which one?"

"Not really, except that the chain pet stores are shit. There's an independently owned one off Maple Street. They'd have everything we need and then we're not supporting those corporate fuckers and their hamster breeding rings."

"I have no idea what a hamster breeding ring is, but I'm going to take your word for it."

"Good," Alec says, not in the mood to spiral about the unethical acquisition of rodents.

"You probably have better things to do today than spend it with me. I'm sure I could order whatever I need online."

"No, you can't," Alec protests, lifting himself up on his elbows. It startles Rio, who meows adorably. "Look at this baby. She needs all that stuff now. Well, realistically you could probably get away with just going to get her food right now. A lot of the other stuff she will need eventually, but online shopping is boring. Don't you think it's boring?"

"It's efficient."

"Efficient," Alec snorts. "What the fuck, are you eighty?"

"Twenty nine, thanks so much," Theo retorts, leaning back. He rests his arms over the back of the couch, causing his sweater to stretch taut over his chest. Theo's a big boy and that's evident in the swell of his pecs. More than once Alec has wondered how it's possible that Theo has no idea how sexy he is. It makes Alec want to bite something.

Wishing he had another Oreo to chomp on, or a piece of gum, he settles for tapping his fingers on the edge of the couch. "The pet store should be open by now. We could go."

"Together?"

"Unless you wanted to go figure out kitten shit on your own," Alec says, shoving his bony toes into Theo's ass.

"Little shithead," Theo grumbles, though he doesn't shove Alec away. "I definitely do not want to do it alone."

"Great, then it's a date."

"A date," Theo croaks.

Alec laughs, inordinately charmed by Theo's spluttering. "Don't worry, Mr. Allergic-to-commitment, I'm teasing you."

"Hey." The lines of Theo's handsome face draw together, surprise warring with something sharper. "I'm not allergic to commitment."

"Yes, you are," Alec retorts, withdrawing his feet from beneath Theo. Careful not to knock Rio over, he holds her to his chest as he turns, stretching his legs out before rising.

"Some of us don't need a significant other to complete us," Theo counters.

"‘Course not. No one has to be in a relationship if they don't want to," Alec agrees, unruffled by Theo's tone. "But it doesn't change the fact that you are in fact allergic to being in a relationship."

Theo gapes. "I'm not allergic to relationships."

It would be funny if it weren't true, and if the truth didn't serve as another reminder of why Alec can never have Theo. Alec might be young, but he knows what he wants: a partner, a family, commitment. It's life's cruel idea of a joke that he wants it with a man who doesn't want those things, especially not with Alec. It should make it easier to get over Theo, but it doesn't. Not when Alec knows exactly why Theo is terrified of commitment.

"When was your last one?" Alec asks, proud of himself for managing to sound casual while his heart shatters into a million pieces inside. It's nothing new. Alec's heart is a puzzle; no matter how many times it's shaken apart and broken, it can be put back together again. Probably.

"Last what?"

"Relationship," Alec clarifies, mentally refitting the pieces back together. He's got to get tougher if he wants to be friends with Theo, and he does, which means it doesn't matter if some of his puzzle pieces get lost or ruined. When he stretches his arms overhead, he can't bite back the wince from his bruised ribs. "Damn, that's going to sting in practice tomorrow. By the way, can I borrow one of your shirts? Mine was ruined, obviously, and while I'm sure almost everyone would love the gift of seeing me half-naked this morning, I'm not really in the mood to get kicked out of the pet store for public indecency."

"That's not the point," Theo mumbles. "I've dated."

"The guy from REI?" Alec says, recalling the incident with painful clarity. He'd only learned about him afterward, but he'd hated him as much then as he does now. Anyone who hurts Theo lives on Alec's permanent bad side.

"Why do you know about Richard?" Theo gapes.

"Richard is a stupid name."

"He was stupid," Theo agrees with the faintest hint of a smile. "But that still doesn't answer my question about why you know about him."

"I know about Richard because Andrew was at Jason's when you came over upset, and then you know how he and Charlie are. I swear those two came out of the womb unable to keep a secret from each other. Once Charlie knew, he told me because, well, it doesn't matter why Charlie told me. The point is that it was two years ago and you haven't dated anyone since. Just because he was a fucking asshole who didn't deserve you doesn't mean that all love will fail. I think love is always worth it, don't you?"

"I think it's sweet you think so. One day you'll find a nice boy to settle down with and I hope it works out for you."

The words are probably supposed to be encouraging, but they're anything but.

"Maybe I don't want a nice boy."

"What does that mean?" Theo asks.

Alec's throat tightens. It means he wants a man. It means he wants Theo. "Nothing," Alec shrugs, kicking himself for letting the conversation get turned back around to him. "Can I borrow a shirt or what?"

"You know you can," Theo says. "The bedroom is down the hall and?—"

"I know where your bedroom is, Theodore."

"Oh, right."

Without waiting for further permission, Alec lowers Rio to the floor, pleased when both the kitten and Theo trail after him.

Theo's bedroom is dark, the heavy curtains drawn, letting only a sliver of light through them. Alec flips on the light, hovering in the doorway to observe. He's seen Theo's bedroom only once before when he first moved in, and while it looks much the same, there are small touches that make it look more lived in. Obviously Theo wasn't expecting company, from the unmade bed to the stack of books on the nightstand. His dresser has a pile of glasses along with his favorite cologne. If Alec closes his eyes and breathes in deeply, he can almost smell the familiar musky scent. Theo's worn the same cologne since high school. At one point Alec had even bought a bottle and hid it under his pillow. He'd been such a fucking idiot at sixteen.

Not wanting to be caught staring, he hurries to the closet and flings the door open. "Wow, Theodore, you have even more sweaters than I realized. Maybe you should open, like, a sweater museum."

"I like my sweaters."

"And they like you," Alec says, not waiting to find out if Theo catches the double meaning. "Where the hell are all the t-shirts? I know you must have some somewhere."

"They're in the top dresser drawer. I don't wear them much," Theo says. He crosses the room and pulls open the drawer. It's wedged full of his college t-shirts and a few random plain v-neck ones. "Take your pick. They're all gonna be way too big."

"Yeah, yeah, rub it in, you giant." Alec laughs.

The novelty of being in Theo's room and being allowed to wear his clothing is not lost on Alec. This is basically every one of his teenage fantasies come true. He could just grab the first shirt he sees off the top of the pile and be done with it, but this is a chance he won't ever get again and he's going to take it.

Pretending to be very interested in his choices, he rifles through the shirts, not at all surprised to find them messily folded and haphazardly shoved in the drawer. For all Theo likes neat and orderly in his work and personal life, he's not actually a very tidy person, something Alec remembers very well from the year Theo spent living with them. He was only nine then, but he definitely remembers Jason and Theo's messy-ass bedrooms. He'd figured a lot of stuff out about himself that year.

Fingering the worn cotton, he can't help but wonder when Theo wears these. He answered the door in a sweater, but there's no way he slept in it. Does he sleep in them? Or maybe he sleeps shirtless? That's a train of thought Alec needs to shut down quickly. Unfortunately, Alec's got a very vivid imagination and his brain is immediately full of Theo's masculine body and light chest hair, of wide hips and soft thighs. It's enough to have him ready to throw himself back down into the river bottom. Thankfully, Theo is behind him and can't see Alec's flushed face.

Willing his overactive imagination and dick to calm down, he continues to rummage through the t-shirts, not even sure what he's looking for when his hands settle on a very familiar shirt. This t-shirt had starred in more than one of Alec's nighttime fantasies, which is maybe ridiculous since it's nothing more than a faded college t-shirt, but it's Theo's shirt. He still remembers going to visit Jason and Theo with his parents when they were at college, the way Theo ruffled his hair and pulled him in for a hug wearing this shirt.

The t-shirt definitely used to be black but is more of a dark gray now, the lettering of Theo's alma mater faded and peeling. Unlike Alec, who stuck close to home attending SLU in the same city of Santa Leon where he was born and raised—as much for the D1 soccer scholarship as it was being close to his family—Jason and Theo had gone to school four hours away. Together, of course, because those two never did anything alone. Alec had been relieved when they both moved back home after graduating. Even if things never returned to the way they'd been with Theo before, it'd been good to have him and Jason home.

The years they'd spent away at college had left Alec painfully lonely, and while his abuelita had moved in with them when Alec was a freshman, she'd died less than two years later, leaving a gaping hole. Time has soothed the harshest edges of hurt, but Alec still feels more settled having all his family in the same city. He's not sure what he'd do if any of his brothers decided to move away again like they all did in college. It's funny to realize most of his friends went to college to find themselves or get away from their family, when Alec knows who he is best when he's around them. They drive him nuts and they worry too much and they treat him like he's still a kid, but he loves them fiercely.

Pulling Theo's shirt close he breathes in the familiar scent of him, his cologne wafting through the room along with fabric softener and something inherently just Theo. He might not be Alec's the way he wishes, but he's part of Alec's family and Alec will do anything to keep it that way.

"Looking for something specific in there?"

Alec startles, realizing exactly how long he's been standing there.

"Yes, actually, I was hoping to uncover your deepest, darkest secrets," Alec retorts, tugging the shirt on. It's at least three sizes too big, the collar stretched out so it hangs half off his shoulder and exposes his collarbone. It's loose around the midsection, reminding Alec of just how much bigger Theo is than him. Fuck, Alec likes big boys. Big men . Older men. His jaw aches with the need to bite or suck and it's all he can do to stay still and act normal.

"I'm afraid you're looking in the wrong drawer. I keep all my secrets locked away in the basement."

Alec's hand clenches in the shirt and he tucks the front into his waistband near his hip just to give himself something to do.

"You don't have a basement," Alec points out, turning around to face Theo.

"I—" but Theo stops, licking his lips.

"What?"

Unexpectedly, Theo's hand settles at the center of Alec's chest, almost as if trying to feel the rise and fall of his chest or the steady beating of his heart. There, hidden beneath his walls of indifference, is the faintest hint of a smile, but it's there and gone in a flash when Theo drops his hand away.

"This used to be my favorite shirt. It was the first thing I ever bought at college. Made it feel real, that I'd actually done it and gone to college. I was gonna make something of myself, or at least that's what I thought."

Alec knows that already. It's exactly why he picked it out of all the others. He just can't say that out loud. "Guess I have a knack for knowing what's special." You , he thinks. You're special.

"I stopped wearing it because I was sure I'd wear it out and lose it. Probably sounds dumb to want to keep something and yet be too afraid to wear it."

"I'll wear a different one," Alec offers, already reaching behind his neck to tug it off when Theo stops him with a gentle touch. He gives Alec's wrist a squeeze before yanking his hand back and then promptly shoving both his hands into his pockets.

"You can keep it on."

There's something there, but Alec isn't sure what. He has the feeling he's walking a tightrope: push too hard and he will fall, play it too safe and risk falling anyway.

"It does look good on me," Alec smirks, trying to relieve whatever tension is simmering. "Or maybe you're just afraid of seeing me naked and falling in love with me."

"Is that a regular occurrence?" Theo asks in a way that's impossible to tell if he's being serious or teasing. That's the thing about Theo, he has a good sense of humor, but it's drier than Alec's and sometimes harder to parse. Theo is understated and quiet, even his humor.

"Oh, yeah. Everyone's a little bit in love with me." Alec winks. "I promise not to hold it against you if you do. I am pretty irresistible."

Theo laughs, shaking his head like Alec is ridiculous. The thing is, he is ridiculous. He knows he is, but he likes that about himself, even if other people sometimes find it too much. He likes being happy, and more than that he likes making his favorite people happy, too. It's an added bonus that all his positivity and outlandishness earns him all the attention his dopamine-deprived brain craves.

"Just remember I warned you, Theodore."

"I promise I won't fall in love with you, Alec," Theo says with a smile.

Alec offers him a smile in return, wondering how he can be so happy and so heartbroken all at once. "I know, Theo."

"I'm sure you don't have time for romance, anyway. You'll be too busy with your senior year and then, the way your parents tell it, you'll be off in the MLS becoming famous. Or more famous."

"I am not famous," Alec grumbles, fidgeting the hem of the shirt. He really wishes he'd brought a pack of gum on his run. If he doesn't get something in his mouth soon, he's going to crawl out of his skin.

"That's not the way Twitter tells it. I've seen—" Theo snaps his mouth shut.

Alec's gaze fixes on Theo. "Theodore Taylor James, did you look me up on Twitter?"

"Shit, you used my middle name. I feel like I should be going to the principal's office." Theo swallows, his Adam's apple bobbing as he rocks on his heels. "What are the odds I can get out of answering the question?"

"Absolutely fucking zero." Alec cackles, jabbing his finger into Theo's chest. He knows better than to read into it, but the knowledge that Theo had thought about him at all makes his insides feel all warm and mushy and disgusting in the best way possible. "Were you desperate to look at my handsome face? Did you miss me while I was in Mexico? Oh my god, you missed me, didn't you?"

"If I say no, would you believe me?"

"Nope." Alec grins, feeling the same kind of adrenaline high he gets after scoring a goal.

Theo snorts. "And if I say yes, will you let this go?"

Alec throws himself forward, draping himself dramatically over Theo. "Absolutely fucking not."

"I can't win with you." Theo doesn't sound particularly put out, which only spurs Alec on.

"You will never win against me, Theo. Admit that now and our friendship will be smooth sailing."

"Are we friends?" The question is so unexpected and so earnest Alec can do nothing but gape for a few seconds. That is, until the words register.

"Are we—holy shit," Alec groans, wondering how he can be in love with someone so emotionally stunted. "Of course we're friends."

Theo seems to realize he's hurt Alec, his face deflating. The sight of it has Alec softening, his own hurt feelings paling in comparison to the idea of Theo feeling bad.

"Sorry, I didn't mean?—"

"Yes you did," Alec interjects. "But it's okay."

While they haven't been close in a long time, Alec still thought they were friends. Apparently Theo didn't and that hurts a fuck ton more than Alec wants to let on. He spent years shoving his feelings down, hiding his hurt, and pretending everything was okay to get his friendship with Theo back.

"Don't look so upset, Theo, it's fine."

Theo's sigh is heavy. "You know a lot changed when, well, you know."

There is no need for Alec to ask for clarification because he knows exactly what Theo means, even if he wishes he didn't. There's a buzzing in his ears, his heart rattles in his chest, and his breakfast is dangerously close to coming back up. Never in Alec's short life has he experienced such a drastic change in moods, his high from a few seconds ago crashing hard and fast. Alec's entire life flashes before his eyes and it's not pretty. They are absolutely not going to bring this up. Not over Alec's dead body.

"Did you know cats shed a lot?" Alec blurts, righting himself. He fusses with Theo's sweater, needing to do something with his hands. "This is going to be covered in cat hair soon."

"Cat hair." Theo looks perplexed by the change of conversation, but he doesn't try to divert it back. "I feel like you shouldn't tell me that. Aren't you supposed to tell me the sunshine and rainbow version of having a cat so I want to keep her?"

"Fuck that," Alec says. "Look, if you can't handle her, or she's too much, we should know now. It's fine, she's little and we can find her a good home. I'm not gonna lie and pretend it'll be easy because that wouldn't be fair to you or Rio. She's gonna shit on your stuff and pee on it too until she figures out the litter box. She's gonna get cat hair on everything you love and she's either going to be a cuddly angel or an absolute demon. It's a crapshoot really. You're gonna spend a lot of money on vet bills and food and you'll need to catify your place and it might be really hard."

"Wow." Theo blinks.

Realizing he possibly went a little too hard, Alec clears his throat and looks towards Rio in the corner, where she's currently swatting at the curtain like it's her mortal enemy. Theo's eyes follow Alec's, a soft laugh falling from his lips when Rio knocks herself over, looking surprised and confused by the turn of events. She leaps, clinging to the curtain as she climbs halfway up.

"You'll also get a cat, which is pretty great if you ask me."

"She's climbing the wall."

"The curtain, technically."

"You and your technically." Theo snorts. "I remember when you were a kid you'd argue with anyone and everyone over technically."

"Like I told you, I'm a fucking delight." Alec knocks his shoulder into Theo's gently. He can be cool and chill. He can. "Look, I know I was kind of intense, but that's just because I want you to be prepared and make the best decision for both of you. But the truth is pets are the best. They don't care about how your day went or how many goals you score or what your GPA is. You don't have to make small talk or try to win their affection or pretend to be anything but yourself, and they still always love you unconditionally. They're not gonna leave you or change their mind. They're just there, always."

Theo's looking at him like he's said too much and maybe he has. Alec's always running his mouth and he wishes he could stop, but so far he hasn't figured out a way to shut himself up that doesn't involve running away.

"Are we talking about you or me?"

Warning bells sound in Alec's mind. Yup, he definitely said too much. "You, obviously," Alec answers, unable to explain how it's possible for him to be desperate for Theo's attention and yet want to run away screaming from it when he dares to ask anything that feels like it might be exposing or personal. "If it turns out you don't love having a cat, that's okay, too. This isn't permanent."

"Right, trial run. Fostering."

"Exactly."

"I can do that."

"Good man, Theodore. I knew you could." Alec moves across the room, carefully pulling Rio off the curtains. She flails a bit before she realizes that it's Alec who got her and begins to paw at him instead. It makes his chest ache and he brings her up to his face, feeling her silky fur against his cheek. It's kind of ridiculous how attached to her he already is, but Alec's never been good at keeping his heart or mouth in check.

"You still want to do this?"

"And waste this sexy outfit staying here? Please."

"We can't have that." Theo laughs. "You ready now then?"

"I'm always ready," Alec answers, anything but.