5. Alec

CHAPTER 5

Alec

"You're going to wear a hole in the floor like that."

Alec stops pacing, lifting his eyes to meet his mother's. A lot of people joke that Alec is a copy and pasted version of her and they're not wrong. They've got the same loose curls, the same light brown hair, miles of freckles, and the same smile. His brothers take after his dad with their height, darker hair, and lack of freckles. As a kid it made Alec feel weird to look so different from his siblings, but as an adult, he's come to appreciate the features he shares with her.

"Morning, Mom."

"Morning, love." She smiles, leaning her hip against the kitchen island. She's dressed in her workout gear, a far cry from the suits she wears to the office Monday through Friday. Over the summer she joined some combination book and walking club where she meets to talk about whatever book they're reading while doing laps at the mall before it opens. It sounds incredibly boring to Alec, who has never been able to enjoy reading. It's too much concentration and sitting still for his taste, even if you add in walking afterward. It makes his mom happy, though, which makes Alec happy.

"You excited for move-in day?"

Alec blows out a breath. He is and he isn't. This is his senior year. His last year hanging out with his friends before some of them move back home or on to new jobs. Or in some cases, like Antonio, to start their families already. It's his last year playing the game he loves before shit gets real. He knows everyone expects him to keep playing, to get scouted for MLS and go professional. It's what people have expected of Alec since he joined the all-star soccer league and started winning championships. He's always been good, really good, and he loves the game. Except lately that love has faded, dwarfed by a suffocating sense of dread. Especially since Alec hasn't told anyone he has no desire to play professionally.

Spending the next decade or two of his life stuck on a specific nutritionist-approved diet plan and workout routine to keep his body in perfect shape isn't exactly exciting. The prospect of knowing that his body belongs to other people before himself makes his chest tight. It's on the tip of his tongue to tell his mother what's been weighing on him when she speaks first.

"It's okay to be emotional," she says, moving past Alec towards the fridge. She pulls out the vanilla creamer she likes, fixing herself a large coffee in one of her favorite travel mugs that says, " You don't want to argue with me, I'm a lawyer", that Jason got her for Christmas last year. "Don't worry, though. I know this won't be the end of your soccer career. You're too good and the MLS would be idiots to not scoop you up. Your dad and I have known you were meant for big things since the day you first kicked a ball. We're so proud of you."

Alec takes a shuddering breath, schooling his features into what he hopes is an authentic smile. This is exactly why he can't talk to either of his parents. They sacrificed so much for him and while their privilege as an upper middle class family meant the costs of all of Alec's training, gear, and special leagues wasn't a huge monetary sacrifice, the time was. His parents missed family dinners and weekends at home, taking turns traveling with Alec to all-star games out of town. They'd both worked on cases on the sidelines, making sure at least one of them watched every single practice and game Alec ever played.

There was never a doubt in his mind that his parents loved him and he owes them everything. His mom isn't into sports like his dad, but she's no less supportive, and he sees the look in her eye when she talks about Alec's prospects of going pro. He's just never corrected either of them that it's their dream. The opportunities he has are once in a lifetime, the kind his abuela used to whisper about in her hushed Spanish when she'd hold his hands at night and pray over him, promising him he'd had a better life ahead than she did. She came to this country for a better life, and the weight of that responsibility isn't lost on Alec.

The MLS combine isn't until January. He's got six months to figure his shit out without burdening the people he loves before the MLS SuperDraft. He just needs to get his head on straight and figure out a way to deal with this.

"Thanks, Mom," Alec mumbles, suddenly. "I'm just, uh?—"

"Nervous," she finishes, moving past Alec. She presses a kiss to his cheek and he breathes in the familiar scent of her perfume.

He's always been a bit of a momma's boy, and the hardest part of living on campus is definitely only seeing her on weekends. It being so difficult is exactly the reason he'd pushed himself to live on campus, despite having parents who offered to let him live at home and commute to classes. Desperate to forge his own path and learn how to live on his own, he'd declined their offer and spent the first two years miserable as fuck. Last year he'd finally got to room with Antonio, which had made all the difference, but he still hated the cramped noisy dorms. This year is going to be different, though. He and Antonio were lucky enough to secure one of the senior apartments on campus, meaning they're going to have a shit-ton more space and privacy this year.

"Nervous, yeah," Alec echoes, finding it easy to agree. He just wants to make his parents proud of him.

"I gotta get going. You sure you can handle move-in day on your own? Say the word and I'll call your dad at the country club."

"You don't need to call dad," Alec says. "He's playing with a client today. You know how important that is to him."

"You're right," she agrees, kissing Alec on the cheek. "I don't know how we're all gonna cope when you're off playing for real and we only see you a few times a year."

The knot in his stomach turns to lead. Yet another reason he doesn't want to play professionally. He doesn't want to leave Santa Leon or his family. He loves his life here, his family, and the idea of moving away from it all makes him physically ill.

"I am playing for real, mom." His voice sounds small and he forces a smile on his face.

"Of course you are. You know what I mean, sweetie." She ruffles his hair, making it hard for Alec to be annoyed. He knows she means well, both his parents do. They just think he has so much potential and talent, that not pursuing a professional career isn't something that's ever been an option for Alec. He used to think he was okay with the life they'd mapped out for him, but things change. Alec changed. Or maybe, he thinks as his throat tightens, maybe he hasn't changed at all but no one bothered to look hard enough to see if this was what he really wanted.

"I could cancel my book thing and help you move furniture."

Alec bites back a snort. His mom is even smaller than him, barely five-six in heels, and looks like she could be knocked over by the wind. She might be able to take down guys three times her size in court, but she can't help Alec move furniture up three flights of stairs.

"I told you it's fine, Mom. Someone is gonna help me."

"Someone, huh?"

There's a question in her tone that Alec isn't in the mood to answer. He doesn't want to tell her Theo offered to help, partly because he was drunk when he made the offer and partly because Alec feels embarrassingly possessive about it. It's the first time Theo's agreed to do anything with Alec alone since he was a kid, unless you count his birthday. But Alec doesn't count that, no matter how much fun he had. Especially not since Jason put Theo up to it. Learning that tidbit had stung more than Alec wants to admit. Thankfully Jason and Theo were too drunk to notice how the jokingly-made confession had nearly made Alec cry. He's pretty sure he would've driven himself across the border and never come home if they'd realized how devastated he was to learn Theo only spent time with him as a favor.

"You're going to be late, Mom." Alec puts his hands on her shoulders and turns her towards the front of the house. "You should leave. Right now."

Her smile grows. "Oh, is this someone helping you a boy?"

"Nope," Alec answers, pleased at his straight face. Usually he can't lie for shit, but this is not technically a lie. Theo isn't a boy, he's a man . Alec was raised by two lawyers and if anyone can argue semantics until they die, it's him.

"Alright, alright. I'll get out of your hair. You know, I am looking forward to book club this week. Minnie picked a steamy book. There's a man without a shirt on the cover and?—"

"Stop talking," Alec groans.

"I forgot I'm supposed to be celibate and have my four sons through immaculate conception. My mistake." His mom grins. "I'm going." She laughs, offering him one quick wave before departing.

Alec waits until he hears her BMW pull out of the driveway before he grabs his phone off the charging station in the corner, sighing heavily when he sees there are no missed calls or texts. He's not sure why he's surprised. Theo was pretty drunk at his birthday and he hasn't mentioned his offer to help Alec move since then. Not that Alec has seen him or anything, but he'd casually tried to weasel Theo's weekend plans out of Jason when he came over for dinner last night, and Jason had been no help at all. It was a crapshoot whether that actually meant Theo had no plans, or whether Jason forgot them. He had the world's best long-term memory, yet the short-term memory of goldfish.

There was also another possibility that maybe Theo still intended to come help Alec and hadn't told Jason about it, but that seems highly unlikely. He's pretty sure they probably tell each other when they take a shit. He's never met a pair of best friends with less boundaries than those two, which had made Alec really fucking jealous when he was younger. There'd been a period where he was sure Theo and Jason must've privately been fucking. He's pretty sure now that never happened, since Jason has never indicated he wasn't straight to any of them and he's kind of an open book. But maybe they had been together at some point, and Theo asked him to keep it quiet. Maybe Theo's been secretly in love with Jason since he was a teenager.

"Fuck," Alec groans, slumping against the kitchen island. He hates this side of his brain. This is why he doesn't like being alone, why he keeps himself busy and never stops moving, because the second he does, he thinks too much and hurts his own feelings.

Stomach churning uncomfortably with emotions he is not in the mood to examine, he swipes open his group chat with Antonio, Logan and Hunter. Initially he and Antonio had hoped Riley and Logan might share with them. Logan was on the swim team and Riley didn't live in the frat house so it seemed like a no brainer. Last minute, Riley's parents had asked him to stay at home another year to help out with his younger siblings, leaving them one roommate short. Hunter was also a senior and a friend of Logan's and while Alec had only met him once in passing, he seemed cool. Or at least Alec hoped.

Alec : anyone want move-in day breakfast burritos

Not a minute later the replies come in.

Logan : fuck yes

Logan : fill me up bro

Hunter : thats what she said

Logan : youre an idiot

Hunter : fuck you

Logan : thats what she said

Antonio : cant believe you even asked I always want food

Antonio : im still jet lagged, spice me up alec

Hunter : is that innuendo?

Alec sighs, putting his phone back down on the counter. When it's just Antonio he's safe from that kind of thing, but most of their other friends are kind of, well, obnoxious about sex. Not that Alec is embarrassed by this kind of talk but it gets tiring after a while, having to hear about sex nonstop. Especially when he's the only openly gay guy on his team, so all he hears about are girls.

The notifications keep coming, but Alec decides to ignore them in favor of pulling out a skillet and a carton of eggs along with the salsa he made yesterday, and some leftover tofu and black bean thing he made last night. He's barely got the butter melting in the pan when his phone dings again. Tired of listening to it, he picks it up with the sole intention of silencing the notifications, only to notice the last one wasn't from his group chat.

Tapping the notification, the uncomfortable knot in his chest loosens considerably.

Theo : see you soon

The sound of Theo pulling into the long driveway forty minutes after his first and only text has a smile forming on Alec's face. Even though Theo had messaged him, and Theo is usually the kind of guy to stick to his word, he'd still worried he might not show up. His relief is palpable, and he wastes no time setting the dishwasher and then grabbing the foil-wrapped burritos out of the oven where he was keeping them warm. He packs them tightly into his cooler bag, along with some baggies of oranges he picked off the tree in the backyard, and an extra container of his homemade salsa for Antonio. He's just zipping up the bag when the knock at the front door comes.

"Just a sec," Alec yells, glad there's no one around to witness the way he all but runs to the front door like an overeager puppy. Alec needs to develop some fucking chill around Theo or he's going to walk away just like he did last time.

There's no second knock, but Alec knows he's still there on the other side of the door, waiting. It ratchets up Alec's heart rate and he takes a deep breath, willing his body to calm the fuck down. He's not going to make any steps towards getting close to Theo again if he scares him off by being too much too soon. Usually, he doesn't care if people are turned off by his personality, but he lost Theo once, and the prospect of it happening again might be more heartache than Alec can bear.

He might be determined to be friends with Theo, but that doesn't mean he doesn't privately wish Theo might see him as attractive.

Alec turns to face the mirror over the entryway table. He stares at his reflection, smoothing down his t-shirt. It's hot pink with a tilted crown on the front, his last name and number on the back. Riley had it made for his birthday and Alec's worn it three times since. He fucking loves pink. It highlights his freckles, something he'd spent years crying about as a kid and over time grew to love.

"You are smart, sexy and capable," Alec says to himself, tousling his curls so they're messier. He goes to great lengths for his hair care routine to make sure his hair is soft and frizz-free, but he also likes when it looks messy, like he was rolling around the grass or a bed. Pleased with the results, he takes a deep breath, repeating his positive affirmations to himself as he opens the door.

"Hey," Theo grins, his smile soft and easy and robbing all thoughts from Alec's brain.

"You're hot," Alec blurts, frozen in horror at his own slip-up. "I mean, uh, aren't you hot?"

Theo shrugs, looking down at himself. He pulls the sweater away from his body, making the knit material puff up before clinging back against the flat of his soft tummy. "It's a thin knit, and I don't have anything underneath it."

Nothing underneath his sweater. Fucking fantastic. That's exactly the mental image Alec needs.

"Can I make a confession?" Theo hovers awkwardly at the front door, like he hasn't been to Alec's house thousands of times, like he didn't live upstairs with Jason for an entire year after his dad moved away. That was the year Alec realized he was definitely gay, gay, gay. Not that he's ever told anyone the impetus for his sexual awakening was Theo. That's another secret he needs to keep locked down.

"You can tell me anything."

Theo takes a deep breath and holds it before blowing it out. For someone so large, he manages to look small sometimes and Alec wonders if he does it on purpose or if he just subconsciously wants to fade into the cracks.

"I didn't remember this."

"But you're here," Alec frowns.

"Yeah, uh, Jason called this morning and was rambling as usual, but then he mentioned you and uh, you know you about asking about my plans and?—"

A weird buzzing noise fills Alec's ears while Theo talks. It's the party all over again, but Theo isn't drunk and he's going to notice if Alec is weird. He needs to calm down, but he is so goddamn tired of being seen as Jason's baby brother first and foremost to Theo. Jason has such a big fucking mouth and Alec is going to kill him. This is why he shouldn't talk to Jason about anything important. Ever.

"Earth to Alec."

Alec plasters on a smile that he doesn't feel. "You don't have to help if you don't want to. I can call Antonio and see if one of his tíos can help."

"You weren't listening to me at all, were you?" Theo is smiling at Alec, and he isn't sure if that makes things better or worse because he's not drunk this time, but he's still looking at Alec like he did last night and Alec is so confused and so gay for this beautiful man that it physically hurts.

"Sorry, no."

"It's alright, I'm sure you've got a lot on your mind. Jason said you always get nervous before move-in day."

Alec grits his teeth so hard he's surprised he doesn't crack a tooth. Fucking Jason and his big fucking mouth. Having big brothers is the worst sometimes. "It's nothing," Alec shrugs, hoping to brush it off.

"It's a big deal, I get it. I remember being in college and that last year. The pressure of finishing classes and getting ready to go out into the world. It's normal to be nervous."

"I'm not," Alec lies because it's easier than admitting the truth.

"Alright," Theo concedes. "I'm sure you're excited. You're a senior now. Living the dream of being a star athlete and all that. Must be exhausting being young and talented."

"You forgot gorgeous," Alec reminds him, perking up. This is exactly the kind of teasing he loves, the kind that Theo has never engaged in with him before. It gives Alec hope.

"I don't think anyone would forget you're gorgeous, Alexander."

The praise goes right to Alec's head and heart, but he can't let that show so he settles for more bravado, which is always the safest option.

"I am the full package," Alec smirks, on cloud fucking nine.

"I'm sure you'll break lots of hearts this year, kiddo."

And there, with one little stupid word, Alec's cloud goes poof and fizzles into nothingness.

"So what's the plan for today?" Theo asks, thankfully unaware of the power he holds.

"Moving," Alec replies, settling into smartass territory where things are safe and familiar.

Theo's mouth turns up at the corner, but he says nothing.

Never able to handle silence unless it's of his own choosing, Alec rambles. "Antonio got the keys from the RA this morning, so he went by to open the place up, air out the rooms. Hunter and Logan are supposed to come over to the apartment and meet us. You and I will make the first car load with the kitchen essentials, and then Riley's going to meet us with his pickup truck to start moving the bigger pieces."

He waits for Theo to ask why Alec needs help from him when there are three fit college guys available but he doesn't, instead shoving his hands into his pockets and rocking on his heels. It's the same way he used to do when he was sixteen and nervous. Alec can't imagine what there is to be nervous about now. Maybe he didn't really want to be here and didn't know how to say it. Theo is the kind of guy who honors commitments, even if he doesn't want to. He's reliable and honest and whether he wants to be here or not, he told Alec he would, so he is.

The thought sparks a wave of guilt. Maybe Alec should push the subject and offer Theo one more chance to get out of this all-day ordeal, but he can't bring himself to do it. Come Monday, he's back in the grind of full-time training. Another two weeks and he's going to have a full course load to manage on top of practice and games. The odds of him running into Theo will be slim to none, and Alec's going to be a selfish asshole, and take this time, knowing it's likely the only one he will get.

Given the chance, Alec will take what he can get from Theo. Not just because he's stupidly in love with him, but because he genuinely likes him as a friend. Everything about Theo's calm, steady demeanor makes Alec feel happy and safe and grounded. It's hard to separate the romantic love from the platonic, all of it twisted together in one inseparable mess. However you want to describe it, all that really matters is that Alec loves Theodore James.

There's been a Theo-shaped hole in Alec's heart since the day Theo started to pull away, and it doesn't matter that his love will never be returned, because he doesn't expect it to. He just wants to see Theo happy and spend some time with him. He wants one day. Surely he can have this.

"When you said everything was in your parents' garage, I didn't realize you meant that literally."

"Mom was very distraught to have to sacrifice parking her baby in the driveway instead of the garage, but once I found out we got the apartment this year, I started getting ready."

Theo whistles and Alec tries to look at it from an outsider's point of view. Standing in front of the open garage door, he supposes he can see exactly why it looks overwhelming. There are two love seats that Alec snagged from a senior moving out last year at a killer price, before he even knew whether they'd get this apartment, a fairly large dining table with matching chairs his parents picked up at Ikea and built while he was in Mexico, a still boxed up 70" television, which was Alec's big birthday gift request from his parents, a squashy green armchair of dubious origin, several Ikea bookshelves that also mysteriously appeared while he was gone, and more than half a dozen boxes all packed full and neatly labeled with bathroom and kitchen essentials that Alec finished up last week. There's also all of Alec's personal belongings including a massive storage tote with all of his soccer gear, two suitcases full of clothing and multiple boxes of bedding and room decor.

"Wait, you bought everything in here?"

Theo's tone is unreadable and Alec hesitates, trying to decide how to answer. He knows this looks like a lot. It is a lot.

"It's not a big deal. Antonio's family is already stretching themselves thin to pay for his schooling since he didn't get a full ride like I did, which is bullshit because he's just as good, you know? So I started getting stuff so he wouldn't need anything besides his clothes. Then once I started, well, I thought Riley would be moving in with us too, but Riley's parents have a lot of kids, and Riley already works two jobs plus school and the last thing he needed to do was spend his savings on this stuff, you know?" Alec cuts himself off, taking a steadying breath and trying not to panic at what he just realized. Antonio and Riley don't know and he intends to keep it that way. "Look, don't tell them. I don't want them to think it's charity because it's not. As far as everyone knows, my parents spoil me, and that's the way I'd like the story to stay."

"I won't say a word," Theo promises, gaze fixed squarely on Alec, who squirms under the attention. Theo hasn't looked at him like this in so long.

"I know I'm beautiful, it's okay to look," Alec says, hoping he doesn't sound as off-kilter as he feels.

"So humble, too," Theo snorts.

Alec turns his back on Theo, not trusting himself to stare at him head-on. He's like looking at the sun. You crave the warmth, the light, but when you look too long, you get burned. He busies himself with moving boxes from one stack to another, hoping Theo doesn't ask what the fuck he's doing since he really doesn't know.

"Being humble is overrated. Like okay, no one wants you to be an asshole, and trust me, we've got a few grade-A dicks on the team. And I don't mean that in a good way, either," Alec mumbles, well aware of how Grady and Dwight seem absolutely positive that Alec has a crush on them just because he's into guys. They're not outwardly homophobic or anything, there's a zero tolerance policy for that on the team, but they're fucking obnoxious and make comments about their dicks. They get away with it by doing it to everyone under the guise of locker room talk, but it doesn't escape Alec's notice that when no one is paying attention, it's directed towards him. They're either heavily closeted or fucking assholes, or both. Either way, they annoy the shit out of him. Alec's not cocky, he's confident, and there's a difference.

"Is someone on the team making you uncomfortable?" Theo asks.

Red warning lights go off in Alec's head. The last thing he needs is Theo talking to Jason, who would likely storm into the fucking Dean's office if he thought something was wrong, or talk to their parents and try and bring a fucking lawsuit or something. Alec appreciates his brothers, he really does. He knows how fucking lucky he is to be so accepted and loved when so many other queer kids aren't, but that doesn't mean he wants his big brother solving all his problems. The world is full of dick bags and Alec can handle himself. He has been for three years.

"Aw, are you worried about me, Theodore?" Alec tips his head back and smiles. If he's hoping Theo will shake his head in exasperation and then move on, he's sorely mistaken.

"You know no one is allowed to make you uncomfortable. There's nothing wrong with virginity if that's what it's about and?—"

The box currently poised in Alec's hand falls hard and heavy on his foot, and Alec lets out a string of expletives that would make his abuelita roll in her grave. Worse than the stinging pain is the way the packing tape on the top of the box pops when it crashes to the cement floor, sending measuring cups and utensils rolling across. Nursing a sore toe and an even more sore ego, Alec drops to the ground to make a grab for the contents.

"I thought we agreed to never speak of that again," Alec hisses, fingers curling around the end of a spatula. He throws it in the now upturned box, eying the rest of the contents with a sigh. There's something poetic about Alec's perfectly packed box crashing to the floor to create a mess that mirrors this conversation. Alec fucking hates poetry.

"There's nothing to be ashamed about," Theo tries, apparently still very much speaking about it.

"I know there isn't," Alec snaps, crawling on his hands and knees after the little frog-shaped kitchen timer he bought. It seemed cute at the time, but now every time Alec sets a timer while cooking, the little frog is going to serve as a reminder of this mortifying moment.

It's not like he's actually embarrassed about his virginity. Mostly. He knows it's a social construct. He knows there's no magic age or that being a virgin forever is even a bad thing. The problem is that Alec isn't a virgin by choice. Not exactly. He's been propositioned more times than he will ever tell anyone and every time they'd gotten even close, dread had swirled in the pit of Alec's stomach at the idea of being intimate with someone he didn't love. Maybe he's a romantic, or maybe he's fucking pathetic pining away for the same guy for six years, a guy who will never want him the same way. All he knows is there is one reason and one reason only that Alec is still a virgin at twenty-one and that reason is currently standing behind him.

"Alec."

With that one word, the fight goes out of Alec. He wants to be snarky and cranky, and if it were one of his brothers talking to him right now he would be, but this is Theo. Theo, who has the most unselfish heart of anyone Alec's ever met. Theo, who has no idea that he's the reason no one else has ever been able to get in Alec's pants. Because despite all the evidence to suggest his feelings will never be returned, Alec doesn't know how to switch off his stupid fucking feelings and his stupid fucking heart. None of which is Theo's fault or his responsibility to fix. Alec is the one who needs to get his shit together and handle this.

"It's nothing, okay? Just drop it. Please."

A hand appears in his line of vision. Theo's hand, with his massive, thick fingers wrapped around the little frog timer, which he holds out to Alec like a peace offering.

"Thanks," Alec mumbles, letting his own fingers brush over Theo's for a second longer than necessary.

When he lifts his gaze, he finds Theo smiling at him. A real smile, the kind usually reserved for Jason, and something in Alec heals and breaks all at once. With that radiant smile still in place, Theo reaches out to ruffle Alec's hair before moving on to help collect the rest of the utensils. Alec holds his breath until Theo's back is turned on him before letting out a shuddering breath. He squeezes his eyes shut. Alec has done a lot of hard things in his life, but this might be the hardest.