20. Theo

CHAPTER 20

Theo

Theo loses track of how long he sits in the dark, staring at the half closed door and hating himself. Alec's confession had been shocking to say the least, but the most shocking part in the entire situation, had been the tendril of longing that took root in Theo's heart when Alec yelled those three words.

Of course that longing had immediately been dwarfed by regret. Knowing he'd somehow found a way to hurt Alec further was painful, coupled with the sheer and utter panic at how messy and complicated things now were. This thing with Alec was supposed to be no strings attached, something casual to get Theo over his crush and help Alec get rid of his virginity in a safe way. In hindsight the entire thing had been messy from the start, but Theo refused to see it. Somehow he deluded himself a little into thinking he was the only person who could help Alec, his own desire clouding his judgment. It's why he'd pulled back after that first night they spent together.

He'd realized he was falling for Alec.

Theo doesn't know how to do no strings attached with Alec, and he'd done what he always did in situations like that–emotionally shut down–at least until Alec came barging back into his life without invitation, and let Theo know all the ways he'd fucked up. Hearing how much he hurt Alec had been one of the most painful moments of his life. Regret and shame warred within him, demanding he keep the lines drawn. Instead, he crossed the line.

Somehow, Theo convinced himself that because Alec was in love with someone else things couldn't possibly get messier. He stupidly thought he could fuck Alec and then go back to being friends after. It was reckless and illogical, but Theo had still wanted to fuck Alec. He'd also wanted to do anything to soothe the sharp edges of hurt he'd inflicted.

With a half-cocked plan, he'd given in and fucked Alec, only instead of ridding him of his desire for Alec, it highlighted how much Theo wanted him, and how deeply Alec had wedged himself into Theo's quiet life with one fuck. It scared the absolute shit out of him to have such depth of feeling for the person he was fucking. Having Alec spread out in his bed afterward, fucked out and happy, had reignited Theo's fear and he'd known then that he needed to make sure they didn't do it again.

Leave it to Alec to turn the tables on him, blurting out a love confession while Theo was trying to end things before they got more complicated. Instead of relief that his feelings weren't one-sided, all encompassing panic had hit Theo like a freight train. He's never been in love before. He's not even sure if that's what he feels for Alec, but the prospect sent him into shutdown mode. If he let himself, he could absolutely fall head over heels in love with Alexander King and instead of being happy, Theo wanted to sob.

Flashes of his childhood invaded his mind. His mother, abandoning them. His father, broken and alone, unable to ever let anyone else in again. An empty stomach and an even emptier heart. He'd sworn he would never let himself be vulnerable like his parents, never let anyone besides Jason get close enough to him to hurt him. He wasn't supposed to develop feelings for anyone, especially not Alec.

Fear paralyzed him and by the time he came to his senses and realized he'd let Alec walk out the front door, he knew he'd made a huge mistake. Unwilling to make another one, he tried to call Alec, enough times he started to feel like an idiot with every call that went to voicemail. He debated leaving a message, but he didn't even know what he wanted to say. I'm so sorry I fucked up and I know I'm an idiot, but I want to be your idiot, but I also don't know how to be in a relationship and the idea of doing that with you terrifies me because I can't lose Jason, so please forgive me even though I don't know what I want. Yeah, that would go over really well.

Unable to make a plan about what to say but just as unable to stop calling, Theo redials Alec's number. With every unanswered call, his desperation grows. All he wants is to hear Alec's voice, to at least tell him he's sorry. Unfortunately by the fifth call, it became apparent that Alec was ignoring him, not that Theo could blame him. If their positions were reversed, he'd be ignoring him too.

Riddled with guilt and regret Theo crawls into his bed, tugging the blankets over his face and trying not to cry. His entire life he's been afraid of love, and then someone beautiful and perfect offers it to him on a goddamn silver platter, and he still manages to screw things up.

Eyes blurry with unshed tears, he rolls over and buries his face in the pillow, chasing Alec's scent and wishing he was braver.

Theo's dreams are a mess of anxiety, his sleep broken and unsatisfying, which he figures is what he deserves. By five, he gives up trying to sleep and heads into the kitchen to put on the coffee pot, surprised to find Rio already awake and prowling the room. He bends down and tries to pet her, but she sprints under the couch, setting the tone for Theo's morning. Not even his cat wants to see him.

He's so exhausted he moves on autopilot, scooping coffee grounds into the pot without a filter and cursing. Grabbing the plastic insert, he shakes the grounds off in the trash before fitting it back in the pot, and this time making sure to put a filter in before adding the grounds the second time. His finger is still on the brew button when someone bangs on his front door.

At this time in the morning, there's only one person it might be. A pathetic surge of hope fills Theo's chest. He has no idea what the hell he's actually going to say to Alec, but the relief that he came back after all the shit Theo put him through is staggering. The consolation is short-lived because when he opens the door, it's not Alec standing on his front porch but instead a very different King.

Jason is dressed in his usual uniform of gray sweats and a sweatshirt from the high school where he works, but his eyes are rimmed in red and Theo knows immediately something is very, very wrong.

"What's going on?" Theo asks. "I didn't know you even knew what this time of day was."

It's probably bad form to make a joke right now, but Theo is shit at feelings and hasn't seen Jason cry in nearly a decade. He waits for Jason to laugh or call him an idiot, but what comes out of his mouth instead is a single word that threatens to ruin everything.

"Alec."

Of all the things Theo expected, this is the last. Alec promised not to tell Jason, and while it was selfish of Theo to want Alec to keep secrets from his own brother, he had been relieved by the offer. Had Alec gone straight to Jason? Or maybe he'd gone to Charlie and then he went to Jason? Either way, Theo's biggest fear is coming true.

"I'm so sorry," Theo says, scrambling to figure out how to save this. "Don't hate me. Please."

"What?" Jason's thick eyebrows pinch together.

"I didn't mean for it to happen." Even as Theo says it, shame burns in his gut. He needs to stop lying to the people he cares about. "This is my fault, all of it. Don't blame Alec."

"What the hell are you talking about?" Jason asks.

"You came over here to yell at me for sleeping with Alec, didn't you?"

Judging by the stunned look on Jason's face, that is clearly not what he came here for. "You had sex with Alec?"

"I, uh—" Theo licks his lips, ignoring the ways his ears ring. "The thing is, uh—yes."

Jason gapes. "I thought you were seeing some girl."

"I wasn't technically seeing anyone. It's…complicated, but it wasn't a girl I was interested in."

"Wait, the feelings you had for someone. That was Alec ?"

It would be so easy to lie, to pretend the sex had been a one-time mistake and beg forgiveness so things didn't get more complicated. Yet as another lie takes shape on the tip of his tongue, the idea of saying it out loud fills Theo with dread. Even if Alec never speaks to him again, even if it makes Jason hate him, he can't lie about this. Not when Alec was so brave. He might not have much to offer Alec, but the truth is something he does have.

"I didn't mean to," Theo whispers. "We were just hanging out. Friends, you know? He's so easy to like and he's funny, and he doesn't take my bullshit and he pushes me and he's so beautiful."

"Oh my god, this isn't happening," Jason groans. He scrubs a hand over his stubbled jaw. "What the fuck, Theo? How long?"

"Since Alec's birthday."

"You've been sleeping with my brother for two months?" Jason looks mildly nauseated, but also confused and angry, and Theo hates that he's the cause of it all.

"To be completely transparent, I only fucked him once. Well, and the kitchen thing, but?—"

"Wait, that time I came over and he was here? You guys were together? All that shit Alec said was a lie? You made him lie to me? You lied to me?"

Theo hangs his head. "Yes."

"The Coke in the fridge," Jason mutters. "I can't believe I didn't see it before."

"What?"

"A few weeks ago when I was looking for a drink, there was Coke in your fridge. I couldn't figure out why it was there. You don't drink that." Jason takes a breath. "You bought it for him."

"He likes Coke."

"I know that." Jason's voice is tinged with unfamiliar sharpness. "He's my baby brother."

"He's not a baby anymore."

"Fuck me." Jason paces back and forth on the front porch. Suddenly he stops, turning his gaze on Theo and the look on his face is unlike any Theo's ever seen. "Wait, was he here tonight? Is that why he was out at two in the morning?"

"Yes, but how do you know he was out? Did he tell Charlie or?—"

"He's in the hospital, Theo."

The silent drive across town to the hospital is tense. It's clear Jason is pissed at him, but whether for fucking his baby brother or lying about it, Theo's not sure. Maybe both. Jason's never been mad at him before like this, and it's a horrible feeling. Along with the guilt at what he's done, there is also fear. The kind that makes his insides feel wrong. Alec is hurt and every moment without seeing him hurts.

According to Jason, the hospital had trouble figuring out Alec's identity since his phone was broken in the accident and he had no identification on him, which meant he'd been hurt and alone for who knows how long until someone could find out who to contact. Eventually someone figured it out based on his university hoodie and his player profile on the school website, leading them to call the King brothers since their parents were out of town.

Turns out Jason didn't have any idea what happened, and had stopped at Theo's house on the way to the hospital to get Theo for moral support. Great fucking best friend Theo was.

"Jason," Theo tries when the hospital comes into view at the far end of the road.

"Don't."

Theo rubs his hands over his knees, feeling like he might be sick. "I'm so sorry."

"For fucking my brother, or lying to me? I'm your best friend." Jason slams his hand against the steering wheel, the horn blaring. "We promised no lies. You lied to me."

That answers the question of what he's pissed about, then.

"I didn't mean to. None of this was supposed to happen and?—"

"Just stop," Jason sighs, weaving his way through traffic. If he's not careful he's gonna get a speeding ticket, but Theo's not about to point that out. Jason is one of the most even-keeled, mellow people alive, but when he's angry it's bad. Right now he's not just angry, he's scared, which is a dangerous combo. Theo knows him well enough to know from the clench of his jaw and the way he white-knuckles the steering wheel, that he's terrified about his brother.

Much as Theo wants to push the issue right now, he knows Jason needs a minute before he's going to be ready to talk to Theo. Trying to push for a resolution now when he's so upset about Alec would only be for Theo's benefit, and he's been selfish enough already.

This time of day the visitor lot is empty, but it still takes time to get from the parking structure to the main hospital. By the time they manage to get to the main entrance, get visitor passes and find Charlie and Andrew in the second floor waiting room, Theo feels like he's going to pass out.

Spotting the twins is easy, both of them huddled in the corner. Andrew's dressed down in a pair of sweats and a wrinkled t-shirt, which makes him look so much more like Charlie it's unnerving. He didn't even know Andrew owned anything besides perfectly starched polos and dress slacks. Beside him sits Charlie, head in his hands and fingers clenched in his hair. At their approach Andrew looks up, whispering something to Charlie before standing and walking towards them. He's clearly putting some distance between them and Charlie, and Theo doesn't know what to make of that.

"Theo," Andrew greets before being pulled into a fierce hug by Jason.

"Please say he's okay," Jason chokes.

"We don't know," Andrew says, voice tight when he steps out of the embrace. Something about seeing Andrew, the calmest King, looking so disheveled and rattled really hammers home how serious this is. "They think it was a drunk driver. It was a hit and run. Someone driving to work found him bleeding on the curb and called 911. Mom and dad are in a complete panic trying to get flights home, but everything is booked and—" Andrew stops, swallowing audibly.

"And what, Andrew?"

"He's in surgery right now. His leg is pretty fucked up, Jason."

"How fucked are we talking?"

"Really fucked." Andrew pulls on his hair, looking so much younger than he normally does. "They said something about a compound fracture. They're going to be putting pins in it to stabilize the bone, and he'll need physical therapy after and…they don't know if he's gonna be able to play soccer again. Even if he does play, he's not going to be able to do it this year. He's going to miss the MLS combine in January, which means his chance at being scouted is gone."

"Fuck." Jason looks two seconds from collapsing, which is exactly how Theo feels. This is all his fault. If he hadn't let Alec leave, none of this would have happened.

"It's not just his leg, either. He's got a few sprained ribs and his shoulder was dislocated. I just wish I knew why the hell he was out alone. Charlie said he called him crying right before he got hurt, that he was really upset about something, but wouldn't say what."

Theo didn't think he could feel worse, but bile rises in his throat. The guilt is staggering and Theo backs himself into a wall, damn near hyperventilating.

"Theo, it's not your fault."

"It is my fault," Theo whispers, unable to stomach Jason comforting him right now.

"Why would it be Theo's fault? Weren't you at home?" Andrew is glancing between Jason and Theo, clearly trying to fill in the puzzle pieces.

"It's nothing," Jason lies and Theo knows exactly what that must cost him. Jason hates lying as much as Alec. Those damn King boys and their honesty. The fact that Jason would lie to his brother just to protect Theo, is more than Theo deserves.

"Alec was at my house," Theo answers, a sob catching in his throat when Jason leans his shoulder against Theo's. He's still angry, Theo knows he is, but he's not walking away and Theo can't believe he ever thought he would. Jason is the most loyal guy that Theo's ever met, and he can't believe he doubted him. Fear makes people, makes Theo, do really shitty things. He's not sure he deserves Jason's loyalty, but he's damn sure going to cling to it.

"I'm definitely missing some context here," Andrew says, "I thought?—"

"You." Charlie's voice booms out through the almost empty waiting room, his eyes like daggers glaring at Theo. Apparently he heard them, then. Not like it matters. Andrew would've told him the second he sat down anyway.

"Fuck," Jason says under his breath.

Charlie rises from his chair to cross the room. "I should have known it was you. It's always you when Alec's getting his heart broken."

Andrew's eyes widen, but he wisely keeps his mouth shut.

"That's really not fair," Jason says. Theo lets the pressure of Jason's presence at his side keep his tears at bay. He owes Alec's family that much.

"Fuck fair," Charlie hisses. "This is your fault, Theo. I should have known when Alec called me crying."

Theo swallows. "He was crying?"

"Of course he was crying. He was devastated about something he wouldn't tell me." Charlie's tone drips with accusation. "I wondered when he mentioned love, but then I thought no. No way. Theo would never cross the line like that. He doesn't have feelings for Alec. He wouldn't lead him on."

"Easy, Charlie," Andrew interjects, trying to keep the peace as always. "We don't know anything for sure."

"I would never hurt him on purpose," Theo says, voice as small as he feels.

"Yet you did." Charlie moves into Theo's personal space. Theo is the same height as the twins, but right now Charlie seems to tower over him. "What did you do?"

Jason shakes his head. "Stop it, Charlie."

"No!" Charlie shoves Jason when he tries to step between them. "This is Theo's fault. Alec shouldn't have been wandering the streets in the middle of the night. He could've died because of you. He might lose the game he loves forever, lose his entire future, all because of you!"

Every word cuts deeper than the last, because they're all true. If Theo hadn't fucked Alec, they wouldn't be here. If he hadn't been a coward and shut down, letting Alec walk away, none of them would be here. Alec would be safe, not fighting for his life in a hospital bed.

"Charlie, stop this right now before you say something you're going to regret," Jason demands.

"Regret? Why are you taking his side?" Charlie turns his glare on Jason. "Fuck you too, then. Did you know? Did you know he was messing around with Alec? That he was just using him?"

"I wasn't using him," Theo croaks. He can handle the blame and the rage, but not that.

"Yeah, right," Charlie scoffs. "What, did you find out he was still in love with you and think it'd be fun to take what you wanted and leave? I've known you your entire life, Theo. I know you. You might be a decent guy, but you don't date anyone. You don't do relationships or commitment, but he does. Or at least he wants to. All Alec has ever wanted was the kind of relationship our parents have. He's a goddamn romantic who wants flowers and love and promises of forever. You know that, and yet you still took advantage of him."

"I didn't," Theo tries, his protest half-hearted at best. He doesn't want to believe that, but maybe what Charlie says isn't that far off from the truth. Isn't that what he did? He convinced himself that he was helping Alec, because it gave him a chance to be with him with no strings attached.

"Charlie, stop it." Andrew moves in front of him, blocking Jason and Theo from view. He leans his head in close, his forehead nearly touching Charlie's as he whispers something too quiet for them to hear. Then he's wrapping his arms around Charlie, who curls into Andrew like a child and starts to sob, his hands clenching in the back of Andrew's shirt.

Jason grabs Theo's arm and all but drags him toward a set of chairs against the far wall, to give Andrew and Charlie some space. He knows this isn't over, but he's going to take the out Andrew has afforded him.

"Are you still pissed at me?" Theo asks Jason once they're far enough away. With a heavy exhale, he drops down into one of the hard hospital chairs next to Jason.

"Fuck yes, I am," Jason sighs, looking far too big for the chair. "I'm so fucking mad at you, Theo, but I'm not going to walk away. Did you think I would?"

Theo stares at his hands, embarrassed that it's exactly what he thought.

"You're an idiot," Jason grumbles. "I'm not going to ever pick between you or my brothers. You're both my family, and you're not ever going to get rid of me. I can be really pissed off at you and still love you."

All the air leaves Theo's lungs in a rush. "Why?"

"Who knows. You sure as shit don't make it easy to love you, Theo. But you're worth it. I know it and…and it sounds like Alec knows it, too."

Theo hiccups out a sob, shoving his hands over his mouth to try and silence the wounded animal noises he's making. This is too much.

"Shit, you really like him, don't you?"

"Yes," Theo whispers, unable to fight the tears back. "I'm sorry."

"God dammit, I can't be mad at you when you cry." Jason throws an arm around Theo's shoulder, pulling him into an awkward but much needed side hug. "I can't believe you, Mr.-I-will-be-single-until-I-die, caught feelings for my annoying baby brother."

"Me either," Theo admits.

"Aren't you supposed to tell me he's not annoying or some rose-colored glasses bullshit?"

"No." Theo sits up, rubbing his eyes with the back of his hand. "He is annoying and I like it. I don't know if that's weird, but he's just always himself and I love that about him. I like that he's a mouthy pain in the ass, demanding and never lets me get away with anything. He's such a little shit and I think I might love it. He makes me laugh and smile and…oh god, I really like him. So much, Jason. What am I going to do?"

"Pretty sure the next step is apologizing and learning how to communicate."

"That sounds fucking hard. I hurt him, Jason. So bad. I might hurt him again. Fuck, he might not even forgive me."

"It's Alec. Of course he's going to forgive you, that stupid kid has a heart of gold. He forgives everyone who hurts him."

"I don't want to hurt him."

"Then don't," Jason says, like it's that easy.

"I can't believe you're encouraging me to …what? Try and date your brother?"

"I'm encouraging you to be happy. If that involves Alec, then I'll support you, even if it's gonna take a lot of getting used to and be weird as hell." Jason rubs his hands over his face groaning. "So fucking weird."

"That's incredibly mature."

"Don't act so surprised, asshole. Just because I spend all day with teenagers doesn't mean I am one." Jason cracks a smile and Theo has a glimmer of a future where maybe this is okay, where maybe things with him and Alec work out and he doesn't lose Jason. He still feels like he's walking on the edge of a cliff, but knowing that no matter what happens, Jason has his back makes it feel like there's something to catch him if he falls. "For the record, I'm still pretty pissed off at you for lying and for hurting Alec, though."

"I get that," Theo sighs, swallowing down his guilt.

"But," Jason continues before Theo can start spiraling, "I'm also smart enough to realize that maybe, just maybe, what happens between you and Alec isn't my business. Not entirely. He's my brother and I'm always going to worry about him, just like I'm always going to worry about you. Two people I love getting involved, makes me want to get in the middle and make sure nothing goes wrong."

"We're not your football team. You can't manage us."

"I know," Jason groans. "I kinda hate that. But even if I could, I don't think I should. Alec's not a child and he can make his own choices. I'm not exactly going to tell him he's making a bad one. You're the best person I know, Theo. You're smart as hell, you work hard and you care about people, and you always want to do the right thing."

"And yet."

"Stop interrupting my pep talk," Jason says in that teacher tone of his. Theo can imagine that shuts his students up quickly. He might look like an oversized puppy, but he can be firm when he wants. "Good, now back to what I was saying. You're the fucking best. I know you try to hide it behind your ugly-ass sweaters, and that ten-foot wall you built around yourself to keep friends and relationships out. But I knew one day someone would get past it and you deserve that, Theo. You deserve to be loved."

"My sweaters aren't ugly," Theo retorts, because saying anything else is too hard right now. "Alec loves my sweaters."

"Well, we all have flaws."

"It's gonna be like that, is it?" Theo asks, surprised that he's almost smiling.

"Damn right. This is just like double fodder to tease the shit out of Alec. You know, when he's…better."

The mood sobers quickly, whatever relief he'd found at Jason's steadfast acceptance is gone as he takes in the sterile walls and the scent of antiseptic in the air. For a few minutes it'd been all too easy to get lost in conversation, but reality has reared its ugly head bringing back remorse and worry in equal measure. Theo itches to find Alec, to see for himself that he's alright and apologize. Apologize until he dies, do anything to get a second chance.

In a future of unknowns Theo knows one thing, he isn't going to let Alec go without a fight.

"He's out of surgery and in recovery now," the surgeon says. He's smiling, but Theo can't bring himself to do the same. He isn't going to feel better until he can see Alec for himself. The surgeon continues, "He had a stronger reaction to the anesthesia than expected, so he's taking a bit longer to come out of it."

Beside him, Charlie flinches and Andrew wraps a hand around his arm, giving it a squeeze. Not for the first time, Theo wonders what it might be like to have a twin who you can read like that.

"The break in his leg was a bit worse than expected once we got in there, which is why the surgery took longer. We won't know the full extent of the damage or his recovery until the cast comes off, but for now we've done everything we can. He'll likely be staying for a few days, but someone will let you know once he's moved into a room and can have visitors."

"Thank you, doctor," Andrew says. "Can I speak to you privately for a moment?"

"Of course," the surgeon replies, stepping into the hallway and leaving Jason and Theo alone with Charlie.

"Charlie," Theo starts, cut off when Charlie holds up a hand.

"Andrew said I should tell you I'm sorry, but I'm not. I don't think you deserve him. Lucky for you, what I think doesn't matter because Alec's a stubborn fucker and doesn't care what other people think, so you better prove me wrong, Theo. Don't hurt him again."

With that he turns and walks away, throwing himself in one of the chairs in the corner and crossing his arms.

"Huh," Jason hums. "You know Andrew should get a job as a diplomat. He'd do great."

"I don't know if I'd call that great."

"He didn't punch you, so I'd call it a success," Jason says. "And Alec's going to be okay."

"I'll feel better when I see him for myself," Theo says softly, fighting away the moisture in his eyes when Jason squeezes his shoulder.

"Soon," Jason promises.

It is not soon. Alec's reaction to the anesthesia proves to be worse than any of them expect. They let Charlie back into the recovery area to help with soothing his post-anesthesia confusion, but when Charlie comes back out into the waiting room an hour later, his eyes are red and he proceeds to the bathroom and pukes. The only thing he will tell any of them is that Alec is struggling, then Charlie reverts into his turtle shell and refuses to speak to anyone but Andrew.

The sun has set by the time Alec's moved to a private room, the weight of the day's long wait hanging heavy over all of them. According to the nurses, Alec had been plagued by intense nausea and chills post-anesthesia, which combined with hospital overcrowding, had led to a half-day lag in him being moved. The waiting was plagued by phone calls, and Andrew spent hours on his cell phone handling what no one else wanted to, arranging his parents' return flight and fielding the dozens of phone calls from Alec's friends who had all wanted to come visit once they found out what happened. How any of them got Andrew's cell number was something Theo never got a chance to ask. Thankfully Andrew was able to keep everyone from visiting, considering he didn't even have a room. Theo strongly suspected Andrew used some of his mediator powers, because he'd had no less than half a dozen calls from Riley and Antonio alone, yet somehow he managed to convince even them not to come see Alec until tomorrow.

The mood is heavy by the time Theo and Alec's brothers finally make their way down the hallway to see Alec. Everyone looks exhausted, and it's clear they're all as apprehensive as they are eager to get their eyes on Alec. The only one who'd been able to go back to see him in recovery had been Charlie, and he'd been kicked out once the worst of side effects kicked in, their only updates coming from sporadic nurse visits.

"He's going to be okay," Andrew says to no one in particular.

"Course he is," Charlie says, the slightest quiver to his voice. "I'll kill him if he's not."

The twins go in first and Jason's halfway through the door when he turns to face Theo. "Aren't you coming?"

"I think he needs his brothers more than anything right now." Theo shoves his hands into his pockets, his heart aching with how desperately he wants to run into that room and hold Alec. "Just make sure he's okay, yeah? I'll be here when he's ready, and if he doesn't want to see me today, then I'll be here tomorrow and the next day and the one after that. Just…let him know that, will you? Let him know that I'm not going anywhere, unless he asks me to."

Jason nods, reaching out to give Theo's shoulder one final squeeze before he turns back into Alec's room. Theo waits until the door shuts behind him to press his back to the wall, sliding to the floor and pulling his knees to his chest. He hates hospitals, hates the smells and the white everywhere. He hates the lingering threat of loss that haunts the corners. No matter how many times he tells himself that good things happen in hospitals too, all he sees when he looks around is a painful reminder of just how close they all came to losing Alec.

Forcing himself to take a few steadying breaths, he drops his forehead on his knees and waits. After thirty minutes, he starts tracking the seconds on the clock on the wall, wondering if Alec will even want to see him. He wouldn't blame him if he didn't, but he selfishly hopes Alec's track record for forgiving Theo's idiocy will continue. Even if it does, this probably won't be the last time he screws up, but he promises himself that he will try. Theo promises himself that if Alec forgives him that he's going to work on his shit. He's going to get some therapy, and he's going to figure out how to stop being so goddamn afraid of good things happening in his life. For himself, for Alec, and for the future he's never going to have with anyone if he doesn't stop hiding. Most of all, he is going to make sure he's the man Alec seems to think he is.

The minutes tick by as a warning announcement sounds over the PA system, letting them know visiting hours are ending soon. Every moment that ticks by after brings more anxiety. He's not sure what he will do if Jason comes out and says Alec never wants to see him again. He's pretty sure that won't happen, or maybe that's wishful thinking. All he knows is that by the time the door to Alec's room opens, he's thought of every worst case scenario.

Each of them fill his mind as the twins and Jason file out, looking shaky.

"How is he?" Theo asks, rising so fast his head spins.

"He's…struggling," Jason says. "He's in a lot of pain."

"The accident was bad."

"It's not just the accident," Jason says softly. "I think…he's been unhappy for a long time, and none of us could see it."

Charlie makes a choked-off sob, turning to all but run down the hallway. Andrew doesn't even spare them a second look before he chases after him, leaving Theo and Jason alone.

"He said a lot of stuff that I think he's been holding in. It's not my place to tell you, but maybe he will."

"He wants to see me?" Theo asks, chills springing up on his arms.

"Yeah, he does. You've only got about ten minutes until visiting hours are over, but he kicked us out when he realized you were in the hallway. Just be gentle with him. Promise me."

"I promise."

"I'll wait in the car."

"Thank you, Jason."

With that Jason heads off down the hallway, the slump of his shoulders feeling like a warning for what's to come. Even after trying to steel himself, nothing prepares Theo for stepping into that room and seeing Alec in his hospital bed. His curls are flattened and frizzy, sticking up on one side. Wires and tubes snake around him, disappearing under his gown and into his skin. His leg is in a cast up to his mid-thigh and there are bandages wrapped around various parts of his body. The most jarring of all are the bruises that cover his abdomen and shoulders, his lightly tanned skin discolored from the damage, to the point he's barely recognizable. Even his face is bruised, making him look one second away from breaking.

Theo's approach is slow and measured to give Alec time to prepare, but he keeps his eyes shut, his breathing slow and labored. He'd known from the surgeon's report that things were rough, but hearing it and seeing it are wildly different. Looking at Alec in that bed, his vibrancy is gone, and Theo can understand exactly what made Charlie run from the room and puke earlier. Bile rises in his stomach at the sight of Alec so battered and bruised, knowing how much pain he must be in and what a long road to recovery awaits.

It's only when Theo lowers himself into the chair at Alec's bedside that he turns his head, his eyes cracking open. Theo braces himself for the yelling or anger, ill-prepared for Alec's beautiful, broken face to light up with a smile.

"You came."