21. Alec

CHAPTER 21

Alec

"I'll always come."

The words are a balm to Alec's aching heart. Everything hurts, from his head to his toes and every inch between. All of his broken bones and bruises have splintered him into some kind of mosaic of a man, leaving him unsure what scraps got left behind.

Nothing about his life is going to be the same ever again. He can't go back to school, not yet, and fuck knows if he will ever play soccer again. He sure as shit won't be playing for his team, which means his scholarship will be gone. All the pieces that make him who he is have been shattered, and he doesn't know which pieces to pick back up.

Through all the pain and uncertainty, the one thing that had hurt the most was how he'd left things with Theo. Maybe the broken ribs and shattered knee should've been his focus, but Alec grew up playing sports at a level most people never reached. He was no stranger to his body aching, and maybe this was different, okay, a lot different, but physical pain he could handle. His broken heart was something else, and all the sharp edges and hollow pieces that had been jumbling inside his chest since last night slotted back together with Theo at his bedside.

"I'm sorry," Alec whispers, licking his lips. His mouth is so dry, but every time he sips water he feels like throwing up.

"You have nothing to apologize for," Theo says, voice hushed. "I'm the one who needs to apologize. I freaked out and I shut down and that's no excuse, but you need to know it wasn't because I didn't want you. Even when I pushed you away, you came back. I promised not to hurt you, but I did. Again. I let you leave because I was a coward and I'm sorry."

Hearing him apologize is almost more than Alec can handle. When he left last night, he'd been terrified he might not be able to have any more moments with Theo, and now he's saying the kinds of things that have Alec's heart lighting up with hope. It's the kind of hope that fills his chest and makes it hard to breathe. Or maybe that's the broken ribs, it's impossible to tell. His meds are definitely wearing off, the sharp edge of pain damn near nauseating, but he doesn't want to buzz the nurse for more because they make him feel dopey and drugged out. He wants to be present for this moment. He wants to remember every second of Theo coming for him, of choosing him, even if it hurts.

"I'm so sorry," Theo repeats, as if he means to keep saying it. As if Alec needs to hear it again when Theo being here means more than those three words ever could.

"Theo."

"I don't know how you could ever forgive me, but I want to try to make this right."

"Theo," Alec tries again, exhausted by the effort of speaking after confessing his secrets to his brothers. All it'd taken was Charlie whispering how are you, Ally? and he'd spilled his guts. Much as he wishes he could blame his heavy meds for the breakdown, the truth was it was a long time coming, and though it'd been difficult, physically and emotionally, to get the words out he'd managed. He'd stared at the ceiling, whispering about hating school and not being sure if he even wanted to play soccer anymore, and being in love with Theo. He knew his brothers wanted to interrupt with questions, yet they'd remained silent except for their tears.

Now all Alec's got left is the deep desire to pretend that his future isn't a giant Jenga tower, one wrong move from crumbling beyond repair. He doesn't have the energy for this right now, but, unfortunately for him, Theo is not paying attention.

"I don't even know how to prove to you that I mean it," Theo barrels on. "I think, no, I know, that I need therapy. And you'll have to be patient with me sometimes because I'm probably gonna screw up at some point. When that happens I might piss you off, so you'll have to tell me. I don't want you to be afraid of me pushing you away again and?—"

"Shut up," Alec says with as much energy as he can muster, before grabbing the call button from beside his hip and tossing it at Theo to get his attention.

Alec is so goddamn exhausted he wants to cry, but crying makes his ribs hurt and his face ache and he's not sure there are any tears left, anyway. Everything hurts. Everything .

"Oh." Theo blinks. "Should I leave or?"

"Stay," Alec manages, glad at least his stupid arm isn't broken so he can hold it out, his fingers upturned in a wordless plea. Theo seems to understand, slipping his much larger hand over Alec's and cradling it safely. The last of Alec's fight goes out of him, exhaustion and pain taking over as he squeezes Theo's hand as tightly as he can, his grip only loosening when he finally passes out.

"You awake?"

"Not by choice," Alec mutters, head pounding, ribs throbbing, and his skin sensitive to every movement he makes. As a result he lies very still, only opening his eyes once he's sure he's not going to vomit.

Last night was hell. The nurses had to ply him with Zofran for nausea and meds for the excruciating pain, which meant when his brothers had shown up at exactly eight in the morning for visiting hours, he'd been worn down and high as a kite. He can't actually remember what happened, but he's pretty sure the nurses warned everyone not to touch him too much, which is probably a good thing given his pain level, but also makes Alec want to scream.

All Alec wants is for Theo to throw his arms around him and hold him tightly, to hold on and never let go. He doesn't want Theo looking at him like he's made of glass, like he might break if Theo so much as breathes wrong. Exhaustion is etched in Theo's face, worry evident as his eyes roam over Alec as he tracks his every injury. When they land on Alec's leg, his entire face twists up in a way that makes Alec want to throw up.

"You know, if you keep looking at me like that, I'm gonna think you don't wanna be here."

"It's not that," Theo assures him, leaning over the bed until he's so close to Alec that if he closed the distance, he'd be lying on top of him. Alec's nervous system has been stripped raw and of all the things he wishes he could have right now, being crushed under Theo is at the top of the list. "I feel guilty. This is all my fault."

"Don't," Alec interrupts.

"Why, you going to tell me to shut up again?" The hint of a smile plays at Theo's mouth and though it's small, it's enough to ease the knot of tension in Alec's stomach. "Or maybe you'll throw something at me again. Should I go find you something?"

Alec laughs, immediately regretting it when his ribs scream in protest. It takes a solid minute for him to regain his ability to speak through the pain. "Sorry, about last night. I was just?—"

"Exhausted," Theo finishes.

"Yeah," Alec whispers.

"Pretty sure being run over by a car can do that. It's okay if you weren't ready to talk, or if you're still not today. Like I told Jason, I'm not going anywhere. Unless you ask me to. Otherwise, I'll be here."

"M'never gonna tell you to leave," Alec murmurs.

"That makes two of us," Theo says, letting his fingers brush some of the hair gently off Alec's forehead. It's the lightest of touches, but it soothes the raw, aching part of his sensory system desperate for contact.

"Where are my brothers?"

"They went to get food when you passed out. They let me come in while they were gone. I can call them if you'd rather they were here."

"No," Alec says, sliding his right hand towards the edge of the bed. "You. I want you."

Theo's jaw trembles as he reaches for Alec's hand, linking their fingers and bringing it to his mouth. He kisses the back of Alec's hand before pulling their joined fingers against his cheek. "I can't lose you, Alexander."

"M'not going anywhere. Literally. Can't even get up to piss."

The joke falls flat, wetness falling against the back of Alec's hand.

"Theodore."

"Don't leave me again," Theo chokes. "You can call me on my bullshit, demand we talk, do anything you want. Just don't walk away. Please."

He's never heard Theo sound so vulnerable, so afraid, and the knowledge that it's over Alec is something he's not sure he's ever going to get used to. His teenage fantasies used to involve moments like this. Well, minus the near death experience and hospital thing. Back then he would imagine Theo waking up one day and realizing he was in love with Alec, and begging him to be with him. Those had been stories he told himself, born out of one-sided desire. This is something far different, and for all Alec dreamed about it, the truth is he doesn't want it. Not when it means Theo looks so pained.

All he wants, all he's ever wanted, is for Theo to be happy. The idea that his happiness might be with Alec is something he stopped dreaming about a long time ago.

"I won't leave," Alec promises. "I only left because it's what I thought you wanted."

"I don't think I've ever let myself think about what I wanted. Not really, not like this. But you leaving me was one of the worst experiences of my life."

"And here I thought me almost dying was."

He tries to smile but Theo just lifts his gaze to Alec's with a pitiful frown. "Not funny, Alec."

"I have to entertain myself somehow," Alec sighs, pretty sure he's going to lose his goddamn mind being bedridden. It's been just over twenty-four hours, and while he technically might be in too much pain to get up, the fact that he isn't allowed to is fucking with him mentally. "Unless you wanted to give me a little bit of a show. Put those massive hands of yours somewhere, you know, forbidden. Now that would be very entertaining. "

"Pretty sure the nurses might object."

"Spoilsport," Alec grumbles.

Theo shakes his head in fond exasperation. "Tell you what, I'll make you a deal."

"A deal?" Alec says, his entire face lighting up like the goddamn fourth of July.

"Yeah, a deal." He fixes his piercing blue eyes on Alec, intense and unblinking. Alec could drown in those eyes, wake up to those eyes, spend the rest of his life making sure they're full of happiness. "You do everything the nurses tell you to do— take your meds, follow orders and don't push yourself before your body is ready—and when you're finally back home, I'll give you a show. Any kind you want."

Alec doesn't even bother denying that pushing himself beyond what he's supposed to is exactly the kind of thing he was already considering. His desire to get better and get out of here is as all-consuming as his pain, and the fact that Theo knows him so well catches him by surprise. Instead he focuses on the possible reward, willing to do anything to get it, including being a good patient.

"Theodore James, you have no idea what you're offering."

"On the contrary," Theo grins, lowering Alec's hand gently to the bed before leaning over Alec. His body is massive, blocking most of the harsh sunlight from the window. And for a few blissful seconds, Alec can pretend he's not in a hospital hooked up to IVs and heart monitors. He's just a boy finally getting what he's always wanted. "I'll give you anything you want, Alexander."

"What if all I want is you?"

"Done," Theo answers, lowering his lips to Alec's in the barest of presses. He tastes like coffee, the familiar scent of his cologne making Alec's eyes water, because this isn't a daydream or a med-induced hallucination. Theo is really here, promising Alec the kind of future he was sure he could never have.

"I'm a greedy boy, Theodore. If you give yourself to me, there's no going back."

"Good."

"I mean it," Alec whispers, unsure when he started trembling. Never one to back down, Alec continues to push, needing to make sure Theo knows exactly what he's getting himself into. "I'm not easy. I'm loud and needy and I don't share."

"I know," Theo grins, like all of that is a good thing.

"I'm a lot, Theo. I'm always going to be a lot. I don't know how to be less."

"Then don't be less, Alexander." Theo leans his forehead against Alec's, his breath warm and his scent soothing. "I'm not scared of you, not anymore. The only thing I'm scared of is losing you."

"That's never gonna happen," Alec croaks.

"Then we agree, I want you in all your needy, messy glory and you want me despite me being a neurotic, anxious mess."

"What a fucking pair," Alec sniffles, unsure why he's so close to crying when he's so happy. "I love you."

"Alec."

"I'm sorry, I have to say it. I can't hold it in, and it's okay if you don't say it back. I'm not going to ask you to promise anything before you're ready, but you have to know. It's always been you. You're it for me, Theodore. I love you with everything I have and I always will."

"Thank you."

"What?" Alec blinks moisture clinging to his eyelashes.

"I said thank you. Thank you for loving me when I didn't deserve it, and seeing more in me than I saw in myself. Thank you for loving me when I didn't know what to do with it and loving me until I did. Thank you for loving me the way only you could."

"Oh." Alec's lips tremble and his heart aches and he wishes there was a word for something beyond love, because that's what he feels for Theo.

"You're good for me, Alec. You're everything I need and all the things I never let myself want. I've never been in love, I don't know how. But you make me want to try. I can't give you those three words yet, but I can tell you if there was anyone I thought I could love, it would be you."

Alec cries in earnest, heavy tears of grief and joy that Theo wipes away with gentle hands and soft kisses. He murmurs promises against Alec's cheeks and lips, the kind that make Alec believe in forever. When the nurse comes in because of Alec's elevated heart rate, Theo has the decency to blush but remains at Alec's bedside, hand in Alec's as the nurses fuss and mark things down in his chart and give him more pain meds.

His brothers return by the time the meds kick in, his head spinning and the world going fuzzy. Not once does Theo leave, his hand firmly in place holding Alec's, even when Charlie glares at it. It's quiet at first, but then Jason says something that makes Andrew laugh and just like that, Charlie's expression loosens.

At some point his parents arrive, leading to a tearful reunion and some difficult conversations. When they notice his and Theo's joined hands, Alec pretends to be in too much pain to partake in another conversation, choosing to focus on the way Theo's thumb smooths over the back of his hand while his parents move into the hallway for hushed conversations with his brothers. Their voices are low, drifting through the cracked door and though Alec feels stripped raw in every way, there's a relief to finally have all of his secrets laid bare.

When Theo's lips press against his forehead, soft promises whispered against his temple, Alec gives in to his exhaustion and closes his eyes, his body aching but his heart lighter than it's been in years.

"You're being too noisy."

"Me? You're the one stomping around like La Chupacabra."

"Is that like the boogeyman?"

"No. Yes. Maybe. Just shut up or you'll wake him up. You're so noisy."

"You're both fucking noisy," Alec mutters, not needing to open his eyes to know who is in his room. He opens them anyway, his two best friends are a sight for sore eyes.

"Hey," Riley says with a smile that doesn't quite meet his eyes.

"You scared us, asshole." Antonio takes a deep breath, letting out a heavy exhale. He looks like he might cry. "Shit, you look?—"

"Sexy as hell, I know." Alec cracks a smile that makes his cheek ache. Despite being the one in the hospital bed, all he wants to do is make the worry on his friends' faces disappear. "It's okay to be jealous. Most people can't rock the hospital look as well as me. Or the bruises. It's a gift to wake up looking this good."

"Fucking idiot." Antonio shakes his head in fond exasperation and then sighs heavily. "I want to hug you, but all your family is in the hallway so we could have a few minutes, and they said, well Charlie said, if we hurt you he'd make sure security banned us."

"I'm pretty sure he was joking," Riley points out, but he does turn to look at the half-closed door. "Better safe than sorry, though."

"I want a hug," Alec pouts.

Riley moves first, angling his much larger body around Alec in a protective hold while Antonio moves around the other side of the bed to emulate. It's a bit awkward-looking for them and more of an air hug than a real one, but their unwavering presence fortifies Alec in a way only his best friends really can. When they pull back, they have the grace to pretend not to notice Alec wiping at his eyes. Maybe the car broke something in his brain, too. He's cried more in the last twenty-four hours than the last five years of his life combined, and he's pretty over feeling like a leaky faucet.

"So be honest, how much did you guys cry?" Alec asks, desperate for a narrative shift where he doesn't feel so out of control. "I bet you couldn't even sleep without me."

"How did you know the whole campus got together and held a crying vigil?" Riley deadpans. "We used up the entire supply of tissues at SLU."

"You two are so weird," Antonio snorts, but he's smiling the way he usually does when Alec and Riley are on their bullshit train.

"You love us," Riley grins, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Fuck knows why. You're both pains in my ass." Antonio shoves his hand into his pocket and pulls something out, dangling it in front of Alec. "Here this is for you."

"Is that what I think it is?" Alec asks, turning his left hand palm up. The IV stings a little, but it's worth it when the cool plastic beads fall into his palm.

"If you're thinking ‘wow, is this the most special and important piece of jewelry I'll ever get,' then yes," Riley smirks, reaching across the bed to add a second bracelet to Alec's palm.

He lifts them both, grinning at the chunky letter beads and colorful plastic ones. They're both blue—one a pale blue like the sky and the other dark, the word on both the same.

"We have matching ones," Riley says, tugging on the sleeve of his hoodie to reveal his own friendship bracelet in hot pink on his right wrist. Antonio copies, pushing his hoodie sleeves up to his elbows to reveal a red one.

"I can't believe you guys made these," Alec says, slipping both of them on his right wrist and thinking about that day he'd joked about making these all those weeks before. "You know I was teasing about these, right? You didn't have to make them, though I'm kind of glad you did."

"We had to do something to keep ourselves occupied yesterday," Riley replies. "Andrew is a goddamn warden, and refused to let us come see you."

"What Riley means is that he was pacing so much at our apartment, that he was going to wear a hole in the floor, so we all went to the craft store and got supplies."

"Who is we?"

"Hunter and Logan, obviously. They're coming by later. Andrew very strongly suggested we stagger who visited when so as not to overwhelm you. And by strongly suggested, I mean he and Charlie are both kind of scary when they want to be." Antonio pulls a baggie out of the front of his hoodie pocket, dozens more friendship bracelets inside. "When I told the guys on the team what happened and what we were doing, they all came to our place and joined in."

"The guys on the team made me friendship bracelets," Alec mumbles, watching as Antonio pops open the baggie and sets it next to Alec's hip. He pulls the first one out, fingering the bright rainbow beads and the word team. The next one is red, with King and a 7 on it. On it goes, all of them echoing Alec's association to the team, in what is probably supposed to make him feel better but instead makes his hands sweat and his head throb while bile rises in his throat.

"Take them back," Alec says, shoving the baggie towards Antonio.

His eyebrows knit together in obvious confusion, and something in Alec he's been holding together breaks. He doesn't want to lose his best friend, all his friends. Aside from Riley and Hunter and Logan, his friends are the team. Or other athletes on campus. He's built his life around his identity as a soccer player, and it isn't until this moment that it occurs to Alec if he quits the team, he could lose them all.

"What's going on?" Antonio asks.

"Take the fucking bracelets," Alec begs, embarrassed by the desperation in his tone.

Antonio does what he asks, holding them between his hands. His eyes never leave Alec's face. "What's going on?"

"I'm not playing again," Alec grits out.

"Hey, you don't know that. Your parents said after your cast comes off you'll have a few months of PT, but me and the guys will come with you. We can train with you, get you back to normal, and then you can come back to the team."

"I'm not coming back, Antonio."

"You don't know that. They said?—"

"I'm quitting," Alec says in a rush, those two little words leaving him feeling like he ran a marathon.

"But you love soccer," Antonio says, eyes wide. "We were gonna play in the MLS together. Playing professionally is what you've always wanted."

Alec shakes his head.

"I thought you loved it."

"I loved playing with you," Alec tells him, because that's the honest truth. "I love being part of a team and I love the game. I always will. But playing at that level was making me miserable. It was making me hate the game, and hate my body. The training and the stress and the pressure. I—I can't do it anymore. I don't want to be drafted and have my entire future be like that. I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry."

The silence stretches off for long seconds, broken by Antonion's soft, "I'm going to miss you."

Alec closes his eyes, swallowing down the urge to sob. His ribs wouldn't be able to handle it, nor would his heart. "I understand."

"Understand what?" Antonio presses.

"You're mad at me and don't want to be friends and?—"

"Dios mío, you are the most dramatic fucker I've ever met," Antonio groans. "You are my family, Alec. You're not getting rid of me, ever. Who would be my best man when I marry Elsa? Hell, I think my abuela loves you more than she loves me. You're stuck with me. I won't lie to you, it sucks you won't be there, so yes I'm going to miss you on the field, but nothing is going to change our friendship. Besides, at least we can still graduate together and oh my god, why do you look like you're going to throw up?"

"I hate my major and I think I want to switch, which means I won't be able to graduate with you," Alec says so quickly the words jumble together. Maybe all he needed to start spilling his guts to everyone was to get hit by a car and stuck in a bed.

"Got any other life-changing secrets you wanna share?" Antonio sighs, dropping into the chair by Alec's bed and leaning against the railing. "Fuck."

"I'm sorry."

"If you apologize one more time, I'll kick you."

"No, you won't. You're scared of Andrew."

Antonio opens his mouth then shuts it. "Yeah, a little bit."

"So you don't hate me?"

"Nothing in the world could make me hate you," Antonio says seriously. "Which is amazing, considering how fucking difficult you are."

"Can we backtrack to the love fest? That was more fun."

"I love you," Riley offers.

"See, was that so hard?" Alec says. "Now if only the team were so easy. They're going to hate me."

"The team is going to miss you because you're a beast on the field, but all the guys want you to be happy. Well, maybe not Chaucer, but he can fuck off." Antonio lowers the friendship bracelets onto Alec's lap. "You're always going to be one of us, Alec. Even if you never play again, for SLU or anywhere else. You were a part of this team, the heart of it really, and nothing can change that."

"Don't make me cry, asshole. It hurts."

"Does it hurt being so pretty too?" Riley teases.

Alec smiles, flipping him off. "It does, actually. It's exhausting being this gorgeous."

"You should probably rest, then, from all that hard work being sexy."

Alec hums, perfectly aware of what his friends are doing and helpless to resist.

"Might close my eyes, just for a second."

"Gotta get that beauty sleep," Riley deadpans, playfully ruffling Alec's curls.

Antonio and Riley quietly start to bicker over what to put on the TV, letting Alec know they're not going anywhere anytime soon, and giving him the freedom to relax. He only means to close his eyes for a few seconds, but the next time he opens them Antonio and Riley are gone, and Hunter and Logan appear. After they leave, the rest of Alec's team takes turns filing in. He strongly suspects Antonio talked to them because not one of the guys mention Alec coming back to the team or quitting, avoiding the word soccer altogether. Most of his teammates take turns making sure Alec wears their bracelets, though, filling his room with crude jokes, raucous laughter and just enough hope for Alec to imagine one day everything might not feel so raw.

The hours tick by, yet the number of visitors never slows. In between friends and teammates his family makes an appearance, as does Theo, each of them taking their leave when more of Alec's friends show up. By the time the sun has set and the announcement that visiting hours are almost over comes over the intercom system, Alec is exhausted in ways he didn't even know was possible. He's always been an extrovert, always felt exhilarated by being around people, but today took it out of him in unexpected ways and gave him a glimpse of how Theo must feel after social situations.

When Theo walks into the room with ten minutes to spare, there's a smile on his face and a familiar cup in his hand.

"Aren't you a sight for sore eyes." Alec manages a smile despite his bone-deep exhaustion.

"You saw me an hour ago," Theo says, but it doesn't escape Alec's notice that the tips of his ears—visible because the longest bits of his hair are pushed behind them—turn red. Alec tucks that away, deciding that while he's stuck in recovery mode, his new favorite game will be to see how much he can make his boyfriend blush.

Boyfriend . Fuck, Alec likes the sound of that.

"An entire hour, Theodore. That's forever. Get your ass over here and kiss me. Also is that a Sonic Coke? There are other more traditional ways to propose, but the answer is yes."

Theo's laughter is warm and rich as he crosses the room, dropping a kiss to Alec's forehead and then his lips. It's chaste, but satisfies something needy in Alec that longs to be reminded Theo really does want him. "Nice to know for future reference, all you want in a marriage proposal is a Coke."

He knows Theo is joking, but what Alec also knows is that he wasn't kidding when he told Theo that he was it for him. Without a doubt Alec is going to marry this man. He knows it. He just needs to let Theo find his footing first and figure that out for himself, no matter how long it takes.

As long as Theo is his, he doesn't much care what word they use to define their relationship.

"Coke is one way. I also accept gold," Alec asserts, not about to pass up the opportunity to tease. If there's a little, or perhaps a lot, of truth to his words right now, no one needs to know yet. "Make sure it's engraved with something sentimental about how much you can't live without me. Oh, and flowers, lots of flowers —white dahlias with babies' breath. Probably a big party, too. On the beach."

"Anything else?" Theo grins, and the fact that he's not running away screaming from Alec joking about forever makes Alec's eyes burn.

"You," Alec says. "Maybe in a blue shirt."

"Blue shirt, white dahlias and gold. Got it."

"Don't forget the Coke," Alec says, voice quivering.

"Who could forget Coke?" Theo whispers, bringing the straw to Alec's lips. He takes a drink, little tingles of bliss flooding his nervous system at the first chug of the sweet, highly carbonated beverage.

"I love you."

Theo's eyes soften as he leans over to kiss Alec's nose and each of his cheeks before sitting back down. He links their fingers and then lifts joined hands to his mouth, kissing the back of Alec's hand and each of his knuckles. His smile is easy and gentle, and Theo might not be ready to say the words back, but Alec holds no doubts about the depth of Theo's feelings.

When the announcement comes that visiting hours are over, Theo lingers long enough a nurse has to kick him out. As he leaves, he promises to return tomorrow, a promise Alec knows Theo will keep. Theo will always come back to him. They will always come back to each other.