19. Alec

CHAPTER 19

Alec

Theo's promise washes over Alec, dragging away the worry and unease like the tide pulling back to the sea. It's still there, swirling and churning beneath the surface, but settled, too.

Showing up to Theo's house in the middle of the night wasn't the smartest choice he's ever made, not that he really chose to do so. He'd sort of lost his mind and come without thinking. He almost wishes he could blame being drunk or horny, but the truth is it's just Theo and his goddamn beautiful blue eyes and honey-sweet voice that Alec can't get enough of.

A few words of apology from Theo and all of his previous anger dissipated. The hurt remains, but then again, that's nothing new. At this point Alec's heart is filled with enough scars it resembles the rings inside a tree, every layer of hurt growing around the last. Each scar is just part of him now. This is just one more layer of injury that makes up Alec's heart, which is maybe a little sad and fucked up, but also not something he cares to change. He's more afraid of never loving again than loving and being hurt.

He knows that Theo would rather wall himself away from caring about people so they can't hurt him. He might not be Theo's best friend, and he might've suffered being pushed away and sidelined for years, but that doesn't mean he didn't pay attention. He understands Theo, which is probably why it's so easy to forgive him. He's difficult and hyper-independent, but no matter how many times he breaks Alec's heart, the one thing Alec knows is that it's not on purpose.

Loving Theo hurts so much he can hardly breathe, but Alec can't stop. With Theo above him, whispering praise and touching Alec like he's something precious, he knows he wouldn't stop even if he could. He doesn't have a damn clue what's happening, aside from the part where Theo's massive cock is in his ass. Emotionally, though, he might as well be a boat lost at sea. Theo ignoring him made sense because Theo's M.O. is to shut down and pull back when he's scared. This is, well, Alec has no idea what's happening now.

While banging on the door, Alec had been absolutely certain he was about to be sent away. Theo wasn't supposed to look apologetic, wasn't supposed to soothe away Alec's hurt and take him to bed as if he could fuck away the pain. That's not how this works, at least not for Alec. Maybe for Theo it does; he certainly views sex differently. For Alec, the only way he wanted sex was with someone he loved, which is exactly how he fell into bed with the one man determined to keep pushing him away.

Only he's not pushing Alec away right now, he's pulling him closer. Theo is so close Alec barely knows where he starts and Theo ends. Everything is bare skin and sweet kisses and the slide of Theo's massive body above his own. It's kind of like having an out of body experience. Alec tries so hard to stay in the moment, but his brain is racing with flashes of the future and memories of the past.

All he wants is to be present, to always remember the way it feels to be held and wanted even after Theo lets go. Because he will, Alec knows. Hopefully not right away. Maybe if Alec is careful and lucky, he can spend more time with Theo.

"You with me, Alec?"

"Mhmm," Alec nods, not trusting himself to speak without word vomiting something awful and embarrassing, like ‘I didn't know it could feel so good' or ‘I've never felt so close to anyone' or ‘my brain won't shut up even though you're literally inside of me' or worst of all, ‘it's always been you'.

Good as it feels, it's all so goddamn much but somehow not enough. Alec's body buzzes. The arousal is there, but it's hazy like the gloom that clouds the sky every June. There's goddamn June gloom in Alec's heart.

"Alexander."

Hearing his full name snaps Alec out of his mental storm. Fuck, he likes when Theo says his name. He never lets anyone else get away with it. He's made everyone call him Alec for a long time, but Theo's given graces other people aren't.

"Should I stop?"

Alec clenches his jaw so tightly his teeth grind. He doesn't want Theo to stop, but he doesn't know how to quiet his brain, either. He's supposed to be enjoying sex. The man of his goddamn dreams is fucking him and it feels so good, but Alec can't shut it off because he needs—oh, he knows what he needs.

"Please don't stop," he begs, reaching for Theo's hand.

Something dangerously close to embarrassment swirls in his gut, but he tries to remember Theo's earlier words. Nothing about what you like or need is weird, Alexander. That's what Theo said. He swore it was true and Alec hopes to god it is, heart in his throat as he pulls Theo's fingers into his mouth and sucks.

"That's what you needed? You wanted to be full everywhere?"

Unable to speak, he settles for humming loudly. It must be the answer Theo wants, because his lips curl up in a private smile that goes straight to Alec's cock. Theo is so beautiful. His blond hair hangs over his forehead, his eyes bright and his cheeks flushed.

"Look at you." Theo croons and fuck, he is looking. His eyes are on Alec, soulful and blue and looking only at him. After a lifetime of wanting and wishing and hoping, Alec finally has all of Theo's attention and it's overwhelming as absolute fuck. He squirms, unable to handle the red-hot, fierce pleasure that coils in his gut. He wants this more than he's ever wanted anything in his entire life.

"I'm going to start moving again. Is that okay?"

Alec gives a small nod, sucking harder so that the tip of Theo's middle and pointer fingers hit the back of his throat at the same time Theo bottoms out and fucks into Alec so deep he damn near sees stars. Pleasure replaces the burn, and every thrust is pure bliss.

Some part of Alec had always wondered if sex would feel this good. Then again, it's not just the sex, it's the man inside of him, the man with his fingers shoved down Alec's throat giving him every single thing he's ever wanted. There is no doubt in Alec's mind, this is ruining him for anyone else. There's not a chance that Alec is ever going to be able to let anyone else see him this vulnerable and exposed.

It was always Theo and it's always going to be Theo and while that hurts, it feels good too. There's a certainty in knowing whatever happens later, Alec got this one moment.

"You look so hot."

Eyes fluttering shut, Alec focuses on the rich timbre of Theo's deep voice and the pretty words he affords Alec.

It's no secret that Alec has always loved compliments, but they hit deeper from Theo. Between the cock in his ass, the fingers in his mouth, and the sweet words from Theo, it's a miracle Alec hasn't shot his load already. Maybe he can thank his ADHD brain for being too scattered to let him come prematurely, but now that his brain finally has what it needs—something filling both of his holes—he's dangerously close to coming. Pleasure makes his legs tingle and he arches his hips, trying to get Theo in deeper.

Taking the hint, Theo braces his hand beside Alec's head before pulling his hips back and snapping them forward, thrusting so hard and deep Alec swears he feels his cock in his goddamn throat. He's fingered himself before, enough to have been utterly sure he would like being fucked within an inch of his life, but he'd never had anything as big as Theo. His cock stretches Alec's rim with every thrust, the pleasure making Alec's eyes water.

Everything about Theo is steady and solid, his voice low as he continues to lavish Alec in the kind of praise that is going to fuel Alec's wet dreams for the next decade. "You look so good under me," Theo murmurs, "like you were born to be full."

Alec moans loudly at the continued praise. Though the urge to keep his eyes closed is there, he forces them open, needing to watch Theo fuck him, wanting to study his face as he murmurs all the words Alec's always dreamed of hearing from him.

"You like that, Alexander? Like knowing how hot it makes me to see my cock inside of you? You like knowing how hot it makes me to watch you moan around my fingers like you can't get enough of me?"

The whine that falls out of Alec's mouth is loud and needy and he can't even care, because never in a million years did he dream it would be like this. Not only is Theo fucking him, he's praising him, acting like Alec being wanton and desperate for fucking and sucking turns him on.

Theo's fingers move a little deeper, the weight on Alec's tongue increasing as Theo starts to fuck his fingers into Alec's mouth while his cock fucks Alec's ass and that's it. Alec is fucking done for. His brain quiets as white hot pleasure takes over and Alec arches off the bed, coming in hot, thick spurts between their bodies.

"Shit, Alec."

Slowly Theo's thrusts stop, hips stilling but Alec shakes his head, making eye contact with Theo as he gasps around Theo's fingers. Whatever it is Theo's looking for he must find, because he starts to move again in shallow thrusts that have Alec's toes curling. His body is so oversensitive the pleasure verges on pain in the best way possible.

"Beautiful," Theo whispers, hips shuddering as he comes with a quiet grunt and eyes squeezed shut.

Alec stills but his chest heaves while he watches Theo attempt to steady his breathing. His fingers are still in Alec's mouth and though he's no longer sucking on them, he enjoys the weight of them filling him up. When Theo's eyes open and he pulls his fingers out, it takes all of Alec's self-control not to whimper. That restraint fails when Theo holds the base of his dick to keep the condom on and pulls out, leaving Alec painfully empty everywhere. Alec lets out a pitiful sound.

"Shit, did I hurt you?" Remorse is written on Theo's every feature.

"No," Alec whispers, struggling with the sudden feeling of emptiness.

"Are you sure?"

Unsure how to explain, Alec nods.

"Good. Just…stay here. Let me clean up."

What Alec wants to do is make a joke about being the best lay Theo's ever had, but somehow all that comes out his mouth is a soft, "Okay."

He tries not to think too hard about what Theo might be thinking, but now that his mouth is empty, his brain is back on its bullshit. So much so that it takes him by surprise when a warm cloth presses against his stomach.

"Sorry, I thought you saw me coming."

"Of course I did," Alec lies.

"So I didn't fuck your brains out, then?" Theo teases, wiping up the mess Alec made of himself.

"Think awfully highly of yourself, don't you, Theodore?"

"Kinda hard not to with you looking all fucked out in my bed." The tips of Theo's ears go red as he spends far more time than strictly necessary running the cloth over Alec's belly, which must be clean by now. "Was it, uh, okay?"

A hint of Theo's insecurity is all it takes for Alec's to disappear.

"Are you trying to ask if you were the best fuck of my life? Because listen, there was a lot of competition." Alec lifts his hand, waggling his fingers. "These babies got a lot of practice."

Silent laughter makes Theo's chest shake and goddamn, happiness looks good on him. There's nothing more Alec enjoys than making the people he cares about happy. And Theo, he wishes he could make him happiest of all.

"Alright fine," Alec sighs dramatically. "You've pulled it out of me. You and your demanding ways. If you must know, you were at the top of my list. Ten out of ten fuck. Can't promise you'll stay at the top though. You'll have to work hard to stay there. My expectations are now exceedingly high, you know?"

"You with high expectations? Shocking."

"Fuck off." Alec laughs, rolling onto his side to watch Theo walk towards the bathroom. He tosses the discarded washcloth into a laundry basket and flicks the bathroom light off.

"I think—" but his words are cut off when a tiny ball of black streaks by. "Well, aren't you a sight for sore eyes!" Alec grins, his smile wide when Rio butts her head against Alec's cheek. "I missed you too, pretty girl."

"I'm sorry," Theo whispers, dropping down onto the other side of the bed.

"Nope, no more sorry. That's over now."

"But—"

"No," Alec interrupts. He doesn't want to talk about it again. He knows why Theo did what he did, and he knows Theo means it when he says he's sorry. That's all Alec needs. He'd much rather focus on his blissful post-orgasm haze than feelings that make his insides feel like being stuck on an upside down roller coaster.

"She missed you," Theo says, moving to sit cross-legged. He's still naked, his cock soft between his thick thighs.

"I'm an easy man to miss."

"You are," Theo whispers.

"Does that mean you missed me?" Alec asks, running his fingers across Rio's back. She's settled herself near his face, her purring soothing away the nerves that are rising in Alec. Asking that question was far too close to what Alec really wants to know.

"I always miss you."

And that right there is far too close to what Alec wants to hear. Losing his virginity didn't even make Alec as nervous as he is now.

"Guess you'll have to keep me around then." Alec tries to tease, but his tone comes out far too unsure for his own liking.

"Alec."

"Alright, you twisted my arm. I'll let you fuck me again, but give me thirty minutes to recoup."

"Alec."

"Fine, fine. Ten minutes, but you got any Coke? I'm really fucking thirsty."

"There's Coke in my fridge, but Alec, we need to talk."

We need to talk. The four worst words in the English language.

"No, thank you."

Theo huffs out a half-laugh, but he doesn't smile and that twists something painful in Alec.

"If you regret this, don't tell me," Alec blurts.

"I don't regret it, but?—"

"But," Alec parrots with a groan. He hates that fucking word.

"I'm sorry, Alexander."

"Don't call me that if you're going to—" but Alec can't finish, can't bring himself to voice his biggest fear. Don't call me that if you're going to push me away again, he thinks, biting the inside of his cheek so hard it bleeds.

Theo scrubs a hand over his face and sighs. "Look, I know."

"You know what?" Alec asks sharply. His heart is rattling in his chest, a weird burning in his eyes. Everything was so good and now it feels like he's losing control. Alec has no goddamn idea what's happening.

"I heard you and Charlie."

The ground beneath Alec seems to sway. If he didn't know better, he'd swear there was an earthquake, but the only thing breaking right now is what remains of Alec's heart.

"No."

"It was that morning after your birthday party," Theo says.

"You were asleep," Alec protests, terrified of what exactly Theo heard.

"I wasn't. I was uh…fuck, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have listened, but I did and I know, alright? I know you're in love with someone else and that's alright. This was just sex, but I also know you and?—"

Theo continues talking, but Alec's ears are ringing and it's hard to breathe. Theo heard him. Theo thinks he's in love with someone else. His feet are moving without his permission as he crawls off the bed, unsure why he has the urge to back himself into a corner. Rio meows in confusion, following Alec and standing at his feet.

"It wasn't just sex," Alec croaks.

"Hey, it's okay. I'm not upset." Theo's expression is kind, gentle almost, as if he thinks Alec needs handling. "You know me, sex is sex and that's all this was, but?—"

"No," Alec grits out, unable to stomach what Theo is saying.

The idea that Alec loves someone else, that he could when Theo exists, is laughable. It's also the out Alec needs to ensure Theo doesn't push him away again. It should be the perfect opportunity, but Alec can't stomach the prospect of living yet another lie.

Everything about his life has become a deception, and the walls are closing in around him. He lies about wanting to play professional soccer. He lies about loving school. He lies about not loving Theo. It's all too much and Alec can't do it anymore.

He can't do it.

"I love you!" Alec yells.

All the color drains out of Theo's face and suddenly, Alec is fifteen again. He can feel the weight of Theo's gaze back then, the way his kind smile had turned shocked and horrified. He can still feel the sand beneath his toes, smell the way Theo's cologne had mixed with the salt air. One of the best days of Alec's teenage life had turned into the worst, because he'd thought it was imperative he let Theo know how he felt, but that confession had ruined everything. Now he's done it again. The difference is he can't even blame teenage hormones or youthful ignorance on things falling apart now.

"Charlie said you needed to get over some guy."

Alec is quiet, the metallic tang of blood in his mouth the only thing stopping him from running.

"You…you love someone else. I heard you."

"You heard us talking about you," Alec confesses, unsure why his voice sounds so calm when inside he's falling apart. "Charlie is the only one who knew I was still in love with you. He was trying to get me to move on."

"Still? As in, since you were fifteen?" At Alec's silence Theo curses, tugging on his hair. "Alec?"

"Don't look at me like I'm pathetic." Alec's chest heaves as he grabs his pants off the floor and tugs them on, unable to handle having this conversation naked. He's not even sure where his underwear went, but at least his dick isn't hanging out. "Yes, I've loved you since I was fifteen. Earlier, probably, if you really want to know. That was just when I told you."

"Fuck, Alec."

"Stop acting like someone loving you is the worst thing in the goddamn world," Alec snarls, scrambling to find his hoodie on the floor. He yanks it over his head, the need to hide damn near overwhelming. "I'm not asking you for anything, okay? I know you don't feel the same and I don't expect you to, so you don't need to be freaking out about this."

"You should have told me."

Why, so you could stop being friends with me again? Alec thinks bitterly, shoving his hands into his pockets and fighting back the rising nausea. The worst part is that he can't even hate Theo. He knew this would happen, knew Theo would freak out. He doesn't want Alec like that, never has and never will. What did Alec think, a few weeks of rekindling their friendship and a fuck, and magically Theo might suddenly consider dating Alec? He was such a fool.

"Alec."

"It's fine," Alec grits out. Hands hidden inside the front of his hoodie pocket, he twists his fingers. He will not cry in front of Theo. He won't.

"It's not fine." Theo's expression is tight, the hunch of his shoulders making it clear that Alec was delusional thinking that telling Theo the truth might be alright. It was just sex. That's what Theo said. He likes Alec's body and that's all. Alec was a goddamn idiot to think he could survive the way that feels. "I took advantage of you."

"Bull-fucking-shit," Alec snaps. "I knew what I was getting into. I'm grown and I can make my own choices."

"I shouldn't have fucked you, Alec."

"Shouldn't or wish you hadn't?" The second the question comes out, Alec wishes he could take it back. He doesn't want to know the real answer.

"Alec."

That's as much of an answer as Alec's going to get and a definitive one at that. Theo wouldn't have fucked him if he'd known Alec still loved him. He probably wouldn't have let Alec get close enough to become friends, either.

"You're terrible at keeping promises, you know," Alec whispers.

Theo doesn't say anything to that, instead dropping his head into his hands as if he can't even bear to look at Alec any longer. Everything about his body language is defeated and Alec has the most ridiculous urge to comfort Theo, but he's pretty sure that's not what Theo would want right now. Not that Alec knows what Theo wants. Hell, maybe he doesn't know him as well as he thought since he dropped that bomb on him for a second time.

A soft meow catches Alec's attention. He looks down to find Rio butting against his leg, clearly agitated and wanting attention, but Alec can't hold her because Alec can't stay here. He can't stand another moment in this room, the scent of sex still heavy in the air as he stares at Theo naked in the bed, where Theo just took his virginity. He can't stand the sight of Theo upset because of Alec, because once again Alec's feelings are too much for someone. He's so tired of being too much for people.

"I should go," Alec says so quietly he's not sure if Theo doesn't hear him or ignores him.

Either way, Theo doesn't look up when Alec leaves the room. He doesn't come out while Alec grabs his phone off the couch and slips his shoes back on. The only one to follow him is Rio, who tries to sneak out the door with Alec.

"I'm sorry," he whispers, wishing he could promise to come visit her, but he's unsure if Theo will even want to see him again. He can only hope it won't be another six years.

A very stupid, pathetic part of Alec entertains the possibility that Theo might chase after him. He even imagines that he might tell Alec that even if he doesn't feel the same, they can still be friends.

He doesn't.

Standing at the street corner, Alec accepts that Theo is not going to come after him. He takes off running, the street lamps lighting his way. He's never been out for a run in the middle of the night like this, and it's strange. There aren't any cars in sight and the unnatural quiet is eerie. The only sound is the heavy thud of Alec's sneakers as he sprints until his chest aches and his eyes burn.

He stops when the tears blur his vision, making it too hard to keep running. He stops at the intersection, collapsing against the stop sign and pressing his cheek against the cool metal. Struggling to breathe, he squeezes his eyes shut and cries harder than he has since he was fifteen. The ache of losing Theo is so much sharper now. He'd been so sure he knew what he was getting himself into, so confident that he could handle the inevitable pain, but he can't. He has no idea how he's supposed to play in the game tomorrow, how he's supposed to go to classes all week and pretend to be okay when he is anything but. It is insurmountable that life is supposed to go on when Alec feels like he's dying inside.

Alec struggles to catch his breath as he cries, lungs burning. It's a long time before he stops weeping, and longer still before he musters the energy to wipe away the tears.

He knows he's got to be pretty close to campus, but he was in too much of a daze to pay attention and ended up in a residential neighborhood he doesn't recognize. On a good day he could make it back to his apartment if he kept going, but tonight that's more than Alec feels like he can handle. He's so very tired, his body spent from crying. All he wants to do is crawl in his bed and stay there for a week.

Turning so his back is against the metal pole, he digs his phone out of his pocket and unlocks it, swiping through his contacts. He could call Antonio. He'd come if Alec asked. Riley's got a car and would come pick him up too, but neither of them are who Alec needs right now.

Scrolling through his contacts, Alec's finger hovers over the one person he needs.

With shaking fingers he taps the call button, holding it to his ear while it rings. When it goes to voicemail, Alec hangs up and calls again, knowing he's being an asshole by waking him up but needing him anyway. When the call answers, Alec breathes just a little easier.

"Alec?" Charlie's voice is strained, full of sleep, and so familiar a lump forms in Alec's throat.

"Hey."

"Hey?" Charlie echoes. "It's two in the morning. What's going on?"

Alec opens his mouth, but all that comes out is a choked-off sob.

"Ally?" Charlie's voice pitches higher. He sounds so worried.

"I did something stupid," Alec whispers, tears falling freely again.

"Talk to me. What's going on?" Charlie curses under his breath, the sound of him moving around in his room echoing through the phone when he puts Alec on speaker. "Are you at home?"

"No," Alec answers.

There's a pause, followed by more hushed cursing. Knowing Charlie, he probably walked into a wall or kicked his bed frame. He's clumsy when he's tired, and Alec would feel more guilty about waking him up if he didn't desperately need a hug from his big brother right now.

"What happened? Where are you?"

"I lied to you," Alec answers, scrubbing away the tears.

"You're scaring me, Ally. Tell me what's going on. Let me help you."

And that right there is exactly why Alec called him. When he was little, the only one who could calm Alec from a nightmare was Charlie. Andrew tried since they shared a room, but with his sleeping issues, Alec didn't like waking him up if he didn't have to. Besides, Charlie was always a night owl, and often up with the moon sketching or painting. Since he was often already awake, Alec never felt like he was bothering Charlie when he snuck out of bed to find him. A restless sleeper prone to nightmares, Alec spent a lot of time with Charlie while the rest of the family slept. That is, until he went away to college with Andrew. Eventually he and Andrew both came back to Santa Leon but they got jobs and their own place to live, and while Alec knows that's part of growing up, he misses him. He misses all his brothers.

"Don't be mad at me."

"You're being cryptic as fuck." Charlie sighs. "You know that no matter what you did I can never really be mad at you. Just tell me what the hell is going on, please?"

"I don't wanna be in love."

The line goes silent and for a second Alec thinks the call dropped, but then Charlie's voice rings out clear as day. "Oh, Ally."

Whatever was left of Alec's heart breaks, shattered into a million little pieces that he doesn't even want to try and find anymore.

"I'm sorry."

"You don't need to apologize to me. You know that. Just tell me where you are so I can come get you."

"Downtown somewhere. Dunno the street," Alec sniffles, rubbing his hoodie-covered hand over his nose. "I just started running from—from where I was."

He's not sure why he hesitates to say it was Theo's house. He knows he's going to have to tell Charlie about what happened all too soon, but that seems less daunting to do in person. That way, after the look of knowing disapproval he's sure to get from Charlie, he can at least have a hug.

"That's vague as hell, Alec. You gotta give me an address or a street name so I can come find you."

Alec hears a car approaching, but the light at the intersection is red and the car is on the opposite side of the road so he doesn't pay them too much attention. Instead he turns back to the street sign, frowning when he realizes it's partially blocked by an overgrown tree on the sidewalk. He sighs, careful not to move into the street as he leans sideways to try and read the sign.

"Hang on, this tree is overgrown, I think—" but the rest of Alec pauses when the car speeds through the red light. "Fucking asshole drivers at night, I swear."

"Focus, Alec."

I'm trying, Alec wants to say, but he doesn't get a chance. His phone flies from his hand as the car jumps the curb. For a moment, the sharpest pain Alec's ever felt cracks through him like lightning, and then just as suddenly it's gone, along with everything else.