18. Theo

CHAPTER 18

Theo

You hurt me.

Three little words that cut Theo to the core. Three words to ruin the shell of what's left of him after weeks of self loathing, not about what he'd done with Alec, but about what he still wanted to do.

When Jason showed up, Theo shut down. The panic and the guilt had been all-encompassing. He's been pushing it all away, ignoring the remorse and longing while convincing himself it was for the best. Then Alec had texted him like everything was normal, and Theo had no idea how to go back to what they'd been before when his dreams were filled with warm brown eyes and galaxies of freckles. He didn't know how to go back to a time before his heart was full of a man he couldn't have.

One day turned into two and by the end of the first week, Theo was so ashamed of himself for not replying, and for the desires he couldn't ignore, that he continued to ignore Alec even knowing how much he hated it. As a child when his big brothers had been annoyed at him for breaking something or tattling, they'd sometimes pretended he didn't exist and Alec would wail. There was nothing he hated more than being ignored, something that, according to Jason, was even more true when he got older.

Thinking back to the way Theo had shut Alec out after his teenage love confession, even knowing he did it to protect Alec, sometimes made his stomach ache. He hated hurting Alec, hated it now more than ever.

The more time that passed, the more he deluded himself into thinking this was for the best. Every day that went by without a new text from Alec, confirmed his illogical and selfish belief that this must be what Alec wanted. Without having to look him in the face, Theo could pretend he hadn't betrayed his best friend and Alec both. He'd been a paragon of self-control, refusing to continue to engage with Alec and hurt him. Turns out he'd done it anyway.

"I'm sorry."

"Fuck you," Alec chokes, pulling on Theo's sweater. Theo almost wishes he'd do it harder, wishes he'd hit him like he deserves.

Alec's chest heaves as he stares at Theo with those soulful eyes of his. Even with the tears glistening in them, he doesn't flinch or turn away from Theo. The bravery in that one look is Theo's undoing. It's a reminder of everything Theo adores about Alec—his tenacity, his strength. It's amazing to realize he'd gone years without being close to him when the last few weeks without his presence have been woefully lacking. In such a short time, Alec wedged himself into Theo's life and his heart without asking permission first, and Theo's been reeling ever since.

He missed Alec hogging the couch, and taking up a shocking amount of space for someone so much smaller. He missed Alec's nonstop chatter and teasing, and the way he never lets Theo get away with anything. He missed Alec's laugh and his smile, and he especially missed the sight of him and Rio curled together. Even Rio has been upset, hiding under furniture and only eating when Theo leaves the room, as if she is holding Theo personally responsible for the loss of her favorite human.

"I'm sorry," Theo whispers, knowing those two words aren't close to enough.

"For which part?"

"All of it," Theo says, shame making his insides burn. How did he think one time with Alec would be enough to get him out of his system? How did he think anyone could ever get over Alexander King? It was foolish and selfish and he's ruined everything.

"All of it." Alec's grip on the sweater loosens and he takes a step back. "Fuck you."

"Alec."

"So what, you just realized you didn't want to fuck me and that meant we couldn't even be friends?" He sounds even more hurt than before, and Theo wonders why people want to fall in love when it's so goddamn hard. All he wants to do is protect Alec, but he keeps fucking up and his good intentions don't mean anything when he's breaking Alec's heart.

Are you protecting him, or you? a little voice whispers. The answer is clear and sends shame burning like a wildfire. That lie wasn't protecting anyone but Theo. He's a coward.

"You could've just told me," Alec yells, his hands shaking now. "You could've just said you didn't want to do it again."

"No, I couldn't."

"Was being with me so terrible it made you not want to even look at me?" Alec's voice drops to barely above a whisper. It was easier to handle when he yelled. Alec being this quiet feels like someone has dimmed his light. Like Theo dimmed it.

"That…that wasn't it," Theo stammers.

"Fuck." Alec pulls at his hair, his normally perfect curls in disarray. Even in the dark, lit up only by the soft glow of his porch light, he's beautiful. He also looks exhausted, his eyes rimmed in red. The knowledge that Alec's distress is Theo's doing is more painful than he could have imagined. "Stop it."

"Stop what?" Theo asks.

"Stop being so fucking calm." Alec's lips quiver as his chest heaves. Theo wants to crush him in a hug and promise everything will be okay, but he doesn't know how much he can keep lying to Alec. Everything isn't going to be okay. He finally wants someone and it's someone he can't have. Not just his best friend's little brother, but a man in love with someone else. It's like fate's sick twist. Here, the universe taunts, here's someone who isn't afraid of all your walls and edges, someone who could be your perfect match, someone who loved you once but doesn't anymore. Because relationships are horrible, Theo is horrible and he made Alec walk away before he could choose to do it. Because he would, eventually. Theo knows it.

"What do you want from me, Alec?"

"What do I want? Fuck you, Theo! I want you to fucking feel something without pushing me away!" Alec shouts. "I want you to tell me something, and not just what I want to hear. Tell me what is so fucking awful about me you just keep pushing me away!"

"Nothing about you is awful," Theo says, grabbing Alec's wrists. They're delicate, his own hands easily wrapping around them to pull them against his chest, bringing Alec's body close enough to feel the weight of his shuddering exhale. "How could I look at you and say no, Alexander?"

The confusion on Alec's face is clear, not that Theo can blame him. He's not exactly been forthcoming about his desires and he still can't now. Even as he tries to be honest with Alec, he knows he has to hold some of it back

"What?"

"I couldn't talk to you, Alec. How could I when I promised you not to hurt you, and it was the first thing I did? I'm sorry. I'm so goddamn sorry." He rubs his thumbs over the inside of Alec's wrists, the thrum of Alec's pulse beating in time with Theo's racing heart. He's done nothing but think about this moment for weeks, imagining what he might say and rehearsing possible conversations. He's imagined all the ways to make sure Alec knew it wasn't his fault, it was Theo's. He's imagined all the right ways to put distance between them to ensure it didn't happen again. With Alec in touching distance, all of that means nothing. Nothing means anything in the face of Alec hurting.

"I couldn't bring myself to face you after doing exactly what I promised not to do. Especially not when…when?—"

"When what?" Alec pushes. He always pushes.

"When I want to touch you again. So much more than I'm supposed to."

"I— oh ." Alec's entire body sags.

Holding his breath, Theo waits for Alec's reaction. He says nothing, and somehow that's harder to take than any yelling would have been. He wants Alec to be loud and rail, not to stare at Theo like he's one word away from breaking.

"Did I finally find a way to shut you up?" Theo realizes he's still clutching Alec's hands against his chest. He can't let go, even though he should. He can't do a lot of things he should when he's around Alec. "You know I never made good on my promise."

"Please don't tease me," Alec whispers.

"I wasn't teasing about that," Theo assures him.

"You don't make sense." Alec sounds confused and fragile, shattering Theo's resolve. He knows he's supposed to stay away, but he can't. "You said you wanted me, and then—then you chose Jason. I get it, of course you're going to choose him, but you sent me away and you ignored me and now what? Fuck, I don't even know what you're saying."

Theo's not sure he knows either. It's not like he can tell Alec how messed up his thoughts are, not when he knows Alec has feelings for another man and this whole thing started because Theo promised him no strings attached. Alec doesn't need Theo's baggage, but he also doesn't deserve to be tossed aside. He deserves everything, even if Theo isn't the man who can give him that.

"Say something," Alec demands, shoving his fists into Theo's chest. "Something real."

Real. Theo hardly knows real. His parents' relationship crumbling apart and breaking his dad's heart beyond repair was real. His dad doing the best he could and it not being anywhere close to good enough is real. Loving someone else being the most dangerous thing you can do is real. His mom abandoning him is real. Knowing he can't live without his best friend if he fucks this all up is real. Knowing he can't have Alec for more than one night is real.

Alec is real. Alec with his megawatt smile and goddamn bravery. Alec with his heart-on-his-sleeve personality, always demanding authenticity from the people he cares about. Alec with his big mouth and his bigger heart. Alec is the most real person Theo has ever known and it's absolutely terrifying.

"I'm sorry."

"Theo."

"Let me make it up to you," Theo whispers, brushing the hair out of Alec's eyes. He loosens his grip on Alec's wrists to let them go, resting them between his pecs. "Unless you change your mind…if you don't want?—"

"Goddamn you," Alec hisses and Theo's sure he's said the wrong thing, but then Alec is surging onto tiptoes and grabbing Theo's face. "Like I could ever not want you."

The words are as loaded as the way Alec kisses him, desperate and demanding and Theo knows he should put a stop to this. He knows they should talk first, but he's never been good at that kind of thing. Sex is easy, talking is complicated and messy. Sex with Alec is going to be both, but he can't stop now, even if it's going to be the stupidest thing he's ever done. Or the second stupidest, or maybe the third if he's counting messing around with Alec in the first place and ignoring him.

God, Alec should run far away from Theo and his commitment and communication issues. He has no idea why he isn't, doesn't understand why Alec still wants him when Theo keeps fucking up.

"Don't break your promise again," Alec demands and Theo isn't brave enough to ask which one.

"I'll be gentle."

"I don't need gentle."

"What do you need, Alexander?"

Alec opens his mouth and then shuts it, crashing his lips against Theo's again. It occurs to him that they're still standing in the open doorway where anyone could see and he grabs onto Alec's hips to guide him inside, shutting and locking the door behind them before taking Alec's hand and leading him towards the bedroom.

He takes a look around his room, gaze drifting from his unmade bed to the sweater thrown over the chair, to the book folded open on the nightstand where he abandoned it yesterday. Some of Rio's cat toys are scattered across the floor from where he'd thrown them in his attempt to lure her from under the bed earlier. She's asleep in the spare room and he's surprised she hasn't run in here and found Alec already. He's grateful for the moment, however, not sure he could fuck Alec with Rio around demanding attention, too.

A moment of hesitation is all it takes for Theo's anxiety to rise. There are so many things Theo could say to Alec right now. So many things he should say. There are lines he should be drawing to protect them both from the inevitable crash and burn. There is no future for them, but there's also no coming back from fucking your best friend's baby brother.

This is going to change everything, and if there is one thing Theo hates, it's change. Part of him wants to run away again. This suddenly feels too real. He never fucks people he cares about, ever. But this is Alec, staring at Theo while he pulls his hoodie off over his head. He's not running away, he's not hiding, and he's not going to let Theo either. It turns his heart inside out. What is Alec doing to him?

"I know it's past your bedtime, old man. Did you need help getting undressed?" There's an attractive smirk on his face and only Alec would have the balls to be so cocky in a situation like this. "I'm sure it's difficult at your advanced age. I can offer my assistance if you're in need."

"You little shit." Theo's heart twists itself into knots at the reminder that Alec is still someone who can get Theo out of his head, who can make him laugh and smile when that feels impossible.

Alec laughs, throwing his hoodie onto the floor while stalking towards Theo. He doesn't have a shirt on underneath, but he's got that necklace on again and the gold chain hangs heavy at his throat. Even in the dim light Theo sees familiar dips and angles of muscles, clusters of freckles, and tanned skin.

"I don't think I've ever wanted to touch anyone as badly as I want to touch you right now," Theo admits.

"What a coincidence, because I really want you to touch me." Alec moves closer, situating himself directly in Theo's personal space. Not even Jason does this. He knows better than to push Theo, knows when to let Theo retreat. Theo always thought he liked it, but with Alec standing before him not giving him an inch to overthink or freak out, he realizes how freeing it feels to have someone who won't let him run.

"You really want me to fuck you?"

"Is asking questions you already know the answer to a sign of aging?"

"I'm not that much older than you."

"You're almost thirty, old man." He drags his hand over Theo's belly, the look on his face full of heat. Theo's not sure anyone has ever looked at him quite like that.

"Maybe you should find someone closer to your age," Theo says, flinching at his knee-jerk reaction.

As soon as the words are out he regrets them, but Alec doesn't shrink. Instead, he shoves Theo's sweater up, watching as Theo takes the hint and pulls it off, leaving him bare-chested. Alec places his palms on Theo's ribcage, drawing his fingers through his fair chest hair.

"I like that you're older," he whispers.

It's on the tip of Theo's tongue to ask about Alec's party boy, but he manages to keep that ill-timed question to himself, not at all wanting the answer. Besides, it would be unfair to Alec to bring that up right now. He has no right to be jealous. It's clear that Alec finds him physically attractive, which is all Theo's ever cared about before when it came to sexual partners. Wondering who Alec is in love with, feeling jealous about who he might want after this, is not something he's used to feeling.

Sex with Alec needs to be a one-time, no strings attached encounter. That's what they agreed on before and it has to be enough.

"Do you need help with these?"

Without waiting for the answer, Alec moves his fingers to Theo's sleep pants, hooking his thumbs under the waistband and dragging them down until Theo's cock is freed. It hangs hard and heavy between his legs, his excitement visible in the shimmer of precum at the tip.

"Can I suck it?"

"You can do anything you want, Alexander."

This appears to be all the permission Alec needs, because he falls to his knees and grabs Theo's hips. Despite his relative inexperience, there's no hesitation when he swallows Theo's cock down. He grabs at Theo's waistband, tugging it down and helping Theo step out of his pants, all without pulling off his cock.

If he weren't so determined to fuck Alec tonight he knows he could easily come like this, his arousal flaring at the sight of Alec's pretty lips wrapped around him. He looks sexy bobbing his head, sexier still when his eyes flutter open and his gaze lifts to meet Theo's. It catches Theo off-guard to see him looking unsure. Alec's usual confidence is gone, replaced by something quieter and infinitely more vulnerable. It brings up the same protective urge he keeps getting where Alec is concerned.

"You look so pretty on your knees," he tells him, dragging his fingers over Alec's head.

The curls are too tight for his fingers to run through, so he settles for brushing them off his face and letting his palm settle at the back of Alec's head. He can't stop himself from wanting to reassure Alec, from needing to make sure he's okay. Alec moans, trembling at the touch. He presses his head back into Theo's palm so that only the tip of his cock rests between Alec's lips.

Giving in to his own desires, he massages the back of Alec's scalp, unprepared for the way Alec whimpers. He looks blissed out down there, like being allowed to suck Theo is the best thing that's ever happened to him. Or maybe he just likes Theo's hands on his head. Or both. Probably both, judging from the way he widens his mouth while also leaning into Theo's hand. It's heady to feel so wanted, and even though the logical part of Theo's brain knows that this is physical, that he's offering Alec a safe place to finally get what he needs sexually, it's impossible for Theo to not let himself get carried away thinking it's him.

Slowly Theo leans forward and Alec's entire body shudders. Theo's never been embarrassed about how much sex he's had, knows he's had enough partners he can't even remember them all. He also knows none of them have ever looked as good as Alec does now. No one has ever whimpered for Theo's cock like this. Alec is so hard his joggers are tented, a wet patch forming on the front, but he doesn't even touch himself. Instead his fingers are digging into his thighs as he tips his head back and moans so loud and deep Theo nearly comes. The only thought running through Theo's mind is that Alec deserves to know how good he is, how perfect, and the words are falling from his lips before he can keep them in.

"You love being full of me, don't you? You like choking on my cock?" Alec blinks, the answer clear as day in the way he takes him deeper, until the tip slides down the back of Alec's throat and he really is choking on Theo, eyes watering. Theo swipes the moisture away with his thumb. "You're gorgeous."

The praise has Alec shuddering and widening the spread of his legs while hands dig into his knees so hard his knuckles turn white. The urge to fuck into his mouth until Theo's either filling him with come or painting his pretty face in it is staggering. Theo's never felt so possessive of someone he fucked, never wanted to claim anyone else the way he does Alec, and it's more than a little unnerving.

Forcing himself to pull away, physically and emotionally, he takes one step back, his cock falling from Alec's mouth.

"What's wrong?" Alec croaks, his voice hoarse and his expression so damn unsure.

This is so wrong. Theo is going to hurt him or himself, but he can't stop. Theo's never been selfish, but he is now. He wants Alec so much he can't care about what comes later.

"Nothing," Theo promises, holding out a hand. "You're too good at that. Didn't wanna come before I got a chance to fuck you."

Pretty pink splotches bloom on Alec's cheeks, the expected cocky retort nowhere to be found. He looks almost shy, and it's a side of him Theo's never seen before. He can't help but wonder if this is just because it's Alec's first time, or if he would be like this again in the future. Maybe Alec likes a little dirty talk, likes letting all that bravado fall away in the bedroom. Theo knows he won't be allowed to find out, but thinking about mouthy, brash Alec turning blushy and needy in the bedroom does something to Theo.

"You should take off your pants, Alexander."

Again he waits for the sass, but all that comes is a bitten-off whimper before Alec's standing then shoving his joggers and boxers off. His chest heaves, hands opening and closing at his side as he stares at Theo and waits.

What he should do is get Alec on the bed and prepped. It's not that he wants this to be over, but the longer he drags it out, the more messy his insides get but, he can't seem to make himself do the responsible thing. All he wants to do is gather Alec in his arms, feel his smaller body against his own and make sure he's okay.

"Look at you," Theo whispers, unable to stop his mouth from running. It's like the roles have been reversed and in Alec's silence, Theo's found his own voice. "You're so beautiful."

Alec doesn't reply, but he lifts his head up to lock eyes with Theo, and while his mouth might not be saying anything, those goddamn pretty eyes of his sure are. There's so much longing, so much trust, that Theo can't breathe.

Slamming his mouth to Alec's, he damn near devours him. He should be slow and gentle, but he's demanding and desperate, swallowing down every sigh and whimper from Alec like he's an addict. Alec might not be talking but he's not quiet, little noises of pleasure falling from his lips.

"I want to fuck you," Theo says between kisses, embarrassed by his own desperation.

He's wanted to fuck plenty of times. He's no stranger to being so horny he paws at the other person. He's come too early and too fast when it was really good. He's been desperate before, but not like this . That desperation was for something physical, for a release. This is for Alec and with every kiss, Theo's heart trembles.

This is so dangerous, so stupid, and yet it's also maybe the best thing he's ever done. Because Alec gives as good as he gets, letting his hands roam all over Theo's chest and stomach, groping and squeezing and writhing like he wants this just as badly.

It's his first time, of course he wants this, Theo tries to remind himself, but it's no use. His hind-brain is taking over, the most primal part of him screaming I'm the one doing this, he wants me.

"Bed," Theo grunts, grabbing onto Alec's hips and lifting him.

"Holy fuck!" Alec's legs fly up to wrap around Theo's waist. The bed is only a handful of steps, Alec could've walked it, but Theo's brain has apparently decided he can't let go of him. His fingers dig into Alec's ass, one of them teasing along his crack as he walks them to the bed. In punishment or thanks he's not sure, but Alec bites on Theo's bottom lip, sucking into his mouth greedily.

With far less grace than Alec deserves, Theo drops him onto the bed, loving the sight of Alec's huffed out laugh and lust-blown eyes as he falls into Theo's bed. It's unmade, the spot in the middle where he usually sleeps now taken up by Alec's naked form. For all the sex Theo's had, he never brings anyone home. He fucks in the club, in a hotel room, at their place, but not here. This is Theo's home, his safe place, and he's never let a one night stand into it. Alec isn't a one night stand. He's not anything, yet somehow he's everything. It doesn't make any sense, but Theo's long past trying to make sense of his feelings and desires where Alec is concerned. Alexander King is everything he shouldn't want and can't have.

Realistically Theo knows this is the way it has to be. Theo doesn't even understand what exactly they're doing and he's not sure he's brave enough to explore his own feelings, even if something more were a possibility with Alec. He's not a relationship guy and then there's Jason and?—

"Thought you were gonna fuck me," Alec says, interrupting Theo's mental spiral.

Every logical, responsible thought flies from Theo's mind when he re-centers his sights on the gorgeous man in his bed. Not just any man but Alec , the boy who used to follow him around, the boy who lives out loud while Theo's been living in the shadows, the boy who is not a boy anymore. Alexander King is all grown up, and Theo has no idea what he did right in life to have the privilege of fucking this beautiful man, but he's not going to question it.

"I am," Theo assures him, knees on the edge of the bed. It dips under his weight and he drops his hands there, never breaking eye contact with Alec as he crawls up his body, memorizing the way his blush travels down his throat and over his chest.

He's easily the sexiest, most beautiful man Theo's ever seen. Every inch of him is perfect and Theo wants more, wants it all. "I'm going to prep you now. You know the drill. If it's too much, you tell me to stop."

"Theo," he mumbles.

"I'm serious. You stop me, Alec. If you change your mind or?—"

"If you don't fuck me right now, I might die," Alec whines, lips turning down in what can only be described as a pout. "I'm not fucking joking, Theodore."

Theo has to fight the urge to laugh at Alec's petulance. "We definitely don't want you to die."

"Good. Then fuck me. Right now. I need…I—" but he stops, mouth opening and shutting like he's lost for words.

"What?" Theo asks, unsure why he needs to hear Alec verbalize it. He's obviously incredibly turned on, and wants Theo to fuck him. But Theo wants Alec to say it, wants Alec to tell him exactly what he wants from Theo—what he needs.

His hands open and close in the sheets, eyes fixed on the ceiling when he finally snaps. "I need to be full," Alec groans. "My mouth is empty and my ass is empty and it's too fucking much. I feel like I'm going to crawl out of my skin if you don't put something in me right fucking now."

The raw honesty catches Theo off guard and has him crawling over Alec and kissing him. Alec whimpers into the kiss, hands flying up to squeeze at Theo's pecs while he sucks Theo's tongue into his mouth. He wasn't kidding about needing his mouth full, kissing Theo like he might literally combust if he stops. Unwilling to let him suffer, Theo lets Alec set the pace, never breaking the kiss, not even when he uncaps the lube and manages to get a finger at Alec's entrance.

Alec damn near howls, the sound guttural and loud as he sucks on Theo's bottom lip. The time for teasing and going slow is long gone. It only takes a few strokes before he's adding a second finger, surprised at how easily Alec takes him. He's so tight yet the resistance is minimum, and when Theo twists his fingers, brushing over Alec's prostate, he moans.

"Now, now, now," he begs, fingers digging into Theo's sides hard enough to leave a mark.

"Soon," Theo promises. "I'm a little bigger than two fingers."

"A little?" Alec huffs. "You're fucking huge."

"If it's too big?—"

"That was not a goddamn complaint, Theodore." Alec's voice trembles, his gaze locked on Theo's face. "Stop teasing me."

"I'm not teasing, sweetheart."

The air in the room seems to leave, Theo's own breathing labored as the implications of what he's just said slam into him. He doesn't use terms of endearment. Then again, he doesn't let sexual partners into his bed, or talk this much during sex, either. He might be the one taking Alec's virginity, but he sure as hell is proving to be a first for Theo in more ways than Theo is prepared for.

"Alec."

Alec's hand curls around the back of Theo's neck, pulling him down in a kiss that is far more gentle than Theo expects. Their breaths mingle, mouths gliding together as Alec's tongue slips inside his mouth.

Theo pauses the kiss only long enough to retrieve a condom and roll it on before he's back sealing his mouth over Alec's mouth, finally positioning himself against Alec's hole. The tip nudges against the ring of muscle. There's the slightest moment of resistance, but then Alec's legs wrap around Theo's back, his heels digging into Theo's spine as he pulls Theo closer. His cockhead slips inside, welcoming him into Alec's tight, hot warmth and then Alec's back arches off the bed as his heels dig in harder.

"More," Alec demands. The lines of his neck cord, every muscle in his perfect body held taut. He's not breathing, not moving, just looking at Theo like he can't believe this is happening.

Theo's never been anyone's first like this and he's not expecting the rush of affection as he watches Alec take him. He looks so good, spread out, moaning and gasping like he was made to take Theo.

"Beautiful," Theo praises.

A tiny but noticeable shudder wracks Alec as if he isn't expecting it, which is unimaginable to Theo given that he's one of the sexiest men Theo's ever seen.

"Breathe," Theo reminds him, peppering kisses across his nose and cheeks and down the side of his jaw.

He starts to pull out but Alec whines, trying to drag him back in. "Don't stop."

"I'm not," Theo promises. "Gonna fuck you so good, Alexander. I'll take real good care of you."

Alec's eyes glisten with unshed tears, but whether from pain or pleasure, Theo can't be sure. He hopes it's the latter, but first times aren't as perfect as movies or porn might make you want to believe. For all Theo prepared him and tried to be gentle, it's still new.

"Promise?" Alec whispers.

"I promise."