17. Alec

CHAPTER 17

Alec

Alec runs faster than he ever has before. His lungs burn and his legs ache as he pushes himself past his limit, unable to quiet the noise in his brain and the itch under his skin.

When the familiar sight of his campus apartment building comes into view he runs faster, desperate to get back home and shower, desperate to change out of Theo's clothes which went from from feeling like a safe embrace to a dirty reminder of all the ways he fucked up. He knew it was stupid to say yes, knew nothing would come of it, yet he'd pathetically taken anything Theo offered. The worst part is that he can't even regret it, even as his heart breaks, because he would do it all over again and that alone makes him feel like an idiot.

He takes the stairs two at a time, not thinking about anything except escaping to his room, when he arrives at the door and realizes his key was in his jeans.

"Fuck." He knocks on the door, hoping Hunter is the one to answer.

He's not.

"There you are." Antonio drags his gaze from Alec's head to his toes in a way that makes Alec feel uncomfortably exposed. "You didn't come home last night and?—"

There's no way Alec can do this. Pushing past Antonio, he walks into the apartment only to be met with the wide-eyed stares of Logan and Hunter, who pause their video game to gape at Alec. To make things more complicated, Riley is here leaning against the wall with his arms crossed, his entire face falling when he catches sight of Alec. He can't even imagine what he looks like. His fucking clothes—Theo's clothes—are way too big, he ran all the way here and he's so tired. And his hangover, which had seemed like nothing while Theo touched him, has returned tenfold, making his head pound and his stomach churn.

"Alec?" Antonio's voice is low, gentle somehow, and that makes it so much worse.

"I know I'm sexy, but can everyone please stop staring at me?" Alec says, trying for funny and missing by a mile, judging by the way Riley looks at him with undisguised worry while Hunter elbows Logan, whispering something.

"We're gonna go get something we forgot," Hunter declares, shutting off the television before grabbing Logan's arm and all but pulling him off the couch. "We'll see you guys later."

Logan spares an extra glance at Alec, clearly unsure, but follows Hunter towards the front door without protest, leaving him alone with Riley and Antonio.

"Alec."

Before Riley can get started, something in Alec finally snaps.

"It's—" Except he can't say it. After years of longing and wanting, it finally happened, and he's not sure how the best thing that's ever happened to him can also feel like the worst.

"Did he hurt you?" Riley asks, voice like venom. He crosses the room to put his hands on Alec's face, tipping his chin up.

Riley might be younger than Alec, but he's got that big brother energy that reminds Alec of his own brothers, which is unexpectedly reassuring considering Alec can't tell his siblings what happened, not even Charlie. It's too risky and he won't do that to Theo, but the secret is like lead in his gut. Not telling his brothers about his virginity had been a choice. This was something else, and those kinds of secrets twist Alec up inside. He hates secrets.

"I'll kill him if he did," Riley grits out at Alec's silence.

"Calm down, Rambo." Alec tries to smile but it's more than he can handle.

"I'm serious," Riley tells him and Alec knows he is. He knows Riley would do anything to protect him, just like he did that night they met. He'd given the other guy a black eye and scared him off ever coming near Alec again. While nine times out of ten it's unnecessary, it's always felt good to know he had Riley in his corner, to know he had someone who didn't judge him, who he didn't have to hide things from.

"Am I missing something?" Antonio asks.

Alec scrubs a hand over his face, trying to figure out what to say next. After that night, he hadn't been ready to tell anyone, not even his best friend, and somehow as time passed he'd still never felt ready.

"You don't have to tell anyone," Riley says, pulling him into a hug. His arms are strong and safe, and even though it would be so easy to stay there and hide, Alec knows he can't.

"Tell anyone what?" Antonio's eyes dart between Riley and Alec.

"I think I want to," Alec whispers, so goddamn tired of keeping secrets he feels like what's left of him might shatter if he has to hold one more in.

It's obvious Riley isn't sure what to make of Alec's change of heart, which is fair considering Alec's made sure to change the subject any time Riley even got close to ever mentioning it. Pulling out of the hug, Alec turns, offering Antonio a shaky smile.

"So, uh, fun fact about how me and Riley met. You've asked and I always refused to tell you because he found someone trying to…trying to—" Theo's earlier words come back to Alec. Sexual assault . Something Alec had refused to admit, even to himself. He'd convinced himself at least part of it was his own fault, while refusing to admit how much it had twisted him up inside. That stupid night had been haunting Alec for too long, tainting his every interaction and making him afraid to even let a guy kiss him in case he got accused of leading him on. He'd downplayed it, ignored it, until it all came spilling out to Theo that morning. Now it's like an open wound that he wants to cover, but also one that he knows he needs to finally let breathe.

"Alec."

"Riley stopped someone from sexually assaulting me," Alec blurts.

Devastation is written in Antonio's expression. Alec drops his gaze to the floor, knowing he won't be able to finish if he keeps looking at him. "That's why Riley and I got close so fast, I know you were jealous and confused. I should've told you instead of letting you think I was replacing you, but I couldn't say it out loud, and I'm so fucking sorry." He barely pauses for a breath before he's going again, unable to stop now that he's started. "Also, I got shit-faced at a club last night, which for the record I'm never doing again, and Theo took me home. We slept in the same bed and then he was going to fuck me, but I came before we could. Then Jason suddenly knocked on the door so I had to sneak out and I lost my phone, which is why I didn't call you guys and?—"

Before he can get the rest of his word vomit out, Antonio slams into him with such force he stumbles into Riley, ending up crushed between his best friends.

"I love you, you fucking idiot." Antonio squeezes him tighter, holding on like he might never let go.

"I'm sorry," Alec chokes.

"You don't need to apologize to me," Antonio says. "Not for anything, you hear me? Except maybe for the going MIA thing. Try not to do that again. I was worried as fuck, and Riley was ready to organize his frat brothers in a search party."

"Only half of them," Riley says, officially joining in the group hug. "Also, I can still kill Theo if you want."

"I don't want you to kill him," Alec grumbles, the deep pressure of being wedged between his best friends soothing the fight or flight part of his brain that's screaming at him to do something stupid or reckless to try and regulate. They know, he realizes. They know him and they know his quirks and they're supporting him the only way they know how. He's so fucking grateful for them.

Neither of them let go of Alec for a long time, but when they do finally break from the hug, neither of them mention Alec's tears as he scrubs them away with the palms of his hands.

"So the sweater," Antonio prompts, tugging on the front of it with a shit-eating grin. "This like a virginity souvenir?"

"Fuck you."

Riley snorts. "Pretty sure you did the fucking last night."

"Fuck you, too," Alec laughs, grinning. "And I'm still a virgin. I think? I dunno."

"What do you mean you don't know? Come on, tell us the details. I can't believe after all this time Theo actually returns your feelings. I know I told you he didn't and you needed to let it go, but even I can admit when I'm wrong," Antonio says, and he looks so happy for Alec that it's suddenly hard to breathe.

The mood crash is swift and painful. Turns out not only can he not hold his liquor, but he can't hold his emotions in either as he blinks away tears he refuses to shed. Not again. Fucking hangover tears.

"He doesn't."

"I'm sorry, what?" Antonio's head tilts like a confused spaniel.

Riley frowns. "Alec."

"It's fine," Alec says, instinctively taking a step away from them both and wrapping his arms around his middle. "He's a good guy. You guys don't know him like I do. He doesn't…he doesn't know I have feelings still or he would've never offered."

"Offered what, exactly?" Even as Antonio asks the question his face falls. For all Alec tries to keep his own expression neutral, he must not do a very good job. "Oh, Alec, no ."

"It's fine," Alec insists, even though it's so clearly not. "I can do no strings attached sex."

Riley shakes his head. "No, you can't."

"Fuck you," Alec croaks, embarrassed at how pathetic and small his voice sounds.

"So what, he was drunk too and you guys fooled around?" The accusation in Antonio's tone is too much. He knows they're gonna hate Theo after this and he can't stand that.

"Theo wasn't drunk." Alec frowns. "He was just…helping me out."

"Helping you out with what, breaking your own heart?" Riley's tone is sharp, and Alec can't even blame the judgment or concern. They've both bore witness to the pain that Alec's inability to get over Theo has caused.

"It was my choice. I knew going into it that he didn't have feelings for me, but I still went ahead with it because—" Because he knew it was as close as he would ever get to having Theo. Something he is not going to say out loud. "Look, I can handle this just fine."

Alec stands up taller, the line of his back painfully straight as he waits for their reaction. They're going to be angry, probably not at Alec but at Theo. They're going to judge, which Alec would do if he were them, but he's not sure he can handle their disapproval right now. The worst part of all is that they're going to demand answers Alec can't offer, because he doesn't understand why he can't get over Theo any more than they can. He doesn't know why he keeps putting himself directly in positions where he gets hurt, over and over like an idiot.

Holding his breath he waits, unsure what kind of silent conversation Riley and Antonio are trying to have.

"Did you eat?" Riley asks after an extended silence.

"What?" Alec blinks, sure he's misheard.

"Eat," Riley repeats. "Did you have anything yet? I'm starving. You hungry, Tony?"

"Call me Tony again, and you can eat my fist," Antonio snarks.

Riley cackles. "So spicy."

The panic in Alec slowly fades as he watches Antonio and Riley continue to bicker over food and nicknames. Realistically he knows this isn't over, that they're probably going to end up finishing this conversation at some point, but for now his friends are going to let it end, just like his thing with Theo ended.

Peripherally Alec is aware he should be happy, but all he can muster is a gnawing sense of emptiness. He got the one thing he always dreamed of—a chance with the man he loves—so why does the Theo-shaped hole in his heart feel bigger than ever?

"Remind me why we majored in business again?" Alec groans, collapsing facedown on his bed. His backpack was tossed to the floor seconds before, his microeconomics and financial planning textbooks heavy enough to knock down a goddamn brick wall. Two back-to-back seminar classes, followed by a brutal three hour practice means Alec doesn't even want to look at his syllabus, let alone to start the reading.

"Because it's what everyone else on the team is majoring in," Antonio reminds him. Which is true. Business is the number one major for at least half the college athletes he knows. "Besides, once we get scouted we won't need the degree anyway, so what we majored in won't really matter."

Alec shoves his face into the mattress, biting his tongue. He hasn't told anyone he doesn't think he wants to get scouted. Hell, he doesn't even have the heart to tell Antonio how much he hates his major. More fucking secrets.

Turning his face from the mattress to take in a ragged breath, he tries to smile at Antonio but it feels like more of a grimace.

"We can study together, Alec. It'll be fine. I promise."

"Fine," he says, because Antonio is actually competent at this stupid business shit and also doesn't have ADHD. Unlike Alec, he also doesn't want to run into the sun every time someone mentions stats or accounting. Everything to do with his major makes Alec want to curl into a ball and scream because he hates it so much. He thought taking all introductory classes his first few years would make the adjustment easier, and it had for a time. Only now Alec's stuck with the hardest classes for his last year in a major he loathes, while facing a future he doesn't want.

He's not sure he's going to survive his senior year.

"Earth to Alec." Antonio snaps his fingers. "You look like you saw La Llorona. What's up?"

What's up, is that it's only been one day and Alec already misses Theo. What's up is that he's one day into the semester and his classes are already filling him with dread. What's up is that the new season has barely started and his body is already exhausted. What's up is everything feels out of Alec's control.

"Probably just hungry," Alec tries, relieved when Antonio easily accepts the lie.

"I had lunch in the cafeteria, but it wasn't that good. You wanna make us chilaquiles?"

Alec is so tired he doesn't want to move, but his brain didn't get that memo, going a mile a minute with worst-case scenarios and intrusive thoughts. He isn't sure he has the energy for cooking, but at least it's better than studying.

"Fine," Alec says, dragging himself onto his hands and knees. "But you're doing the cleaning if I cook."

Antonio whistles happily. "Don't tell my mom or she'll disown me, but I think your chilaquiles are better than hers."

"Of course they are. My abuelita taught me." Alec swings his legs over the bed, his eyes drawn to the corner where Theo's sweater is draped over the back of his desk chair.

"Have you talked to him?" Antonio asks.

It's the first time he's mentioned it since Alec stumbled home yesterday morning wearing Theo's clothes and he's honestly surprised Antonio lasted so long.

"No. My phone was in the mailbox this morning, along with my clothes." Alec swallows, thinking of the note that had been tucked inside. I'm sorry, Alexander.

The note is folded up, hidden in his sock drawer. He's not sure why he's hiding it. Yes, you are , a little voice whispers. He's hiding it because he knows he's being stupid and reading too much into it. He doesn't need his friends to be the voice of reason or judge him for getting naked with someone who doesn't share his feelings. He already knows he's pathetic and while neither Riley nor Antonio would say that to his face, it would be written in their pitying eyes, and he can't handle that.

"We could order in," Antonio offers, clearly not sure what to make of Alec's prolonged silence, always looking for an excuse to break his own nutritionist derived meal plan. "You know, if you're not up to cooking. My treat."

"No," Alec says with a firm shake of his head. "I can cook."

Thoughts of Theo plague Alec's mind as they both head to the kitchen, the sounds of the guys playing video games and joking fading into the background. He's made this meal often enough that he can do it without thinking, which is exactly the problem. With his mind free to dwell on Theo, cooking offers none of the mindless distraction he'd hoped.

The kitchen fills with the savory scent of simmering guajillo chiles and roma tomatoes, followed by fried tortillas, but there is no comfort in the familiar smells. Not only because Alec can't even eat this on his stupid fucking nutrition plan, but because it conjures memories of Theo's smile as they'd shared tacos on his birthday. The thought of one smile, just for him, makes Alec think of another, and now there are far too many moments twisted up with memories of Theo in knots too tangled to unwind.

If anyone should be mad it's Alec, except he's not. He can't be. He knows exactly why Theo did what he did. Alec knows he won't ever be more important than Jason, and he's made his peace with that. Mostly. It would be unfair to be angry at Theo, because he's unable to give something Alec never admitted he wanted. So no, Alec isn't mad at Theo. Hurt, yes. Achingly, desperately and painfully so. It's the kind of hurt that makes sitting through lectures or running practice drills feel like torture, because it seems so unfair that life goes on as normal while Alec's heart is in a million pieces.

Inevitably, his thoughts drift to the text message he sent Theo this morning as soon as he got his phone back. It was nothing more than a stupid text teasing him about a gross new flavor of LaCroix he saw in the dining hall last night, a feeble attempt to pretend things could go back to the way they'd been before. He knew he couldn't have Theo as a lover, but he'd at least wanted him back as a friend. Only it's been nine hours and Theo hasn't replied, and a part of Alec suspects that maybe he isn't going to. Jason showing up made things too real for Theo, and painful as it is, he's not at all surprised by the sharp sting of Theo's actions.

What hurts the most is how Alec walked into this thing with Theo with eyes wide open. Everything that happened feels like his own fault because he knew exactly what Theo was willing to offer.

Fingering the coin that hangs from the chain around his neck, he closes his eyes and tries to calm his nerves. The metal is cool to the touch as he zones out, rubbing it between thumb and forefinger. He hasn't taken it off since yesterday and he has no plans to take it off anytime soon. All day, the weight of the chain around his neck, the tang of metal on his tongue when he'd put it into his mouth, had been a sharp reminder of the two people he loved most. The two people he lost.

If he thought the distance Theo put there at fifteen was bad, it's nothing compared to the way it hurts now. At fifteen, Alec had been in love with Theo the way you love something beautiful from afar, like looking at a painting in a museum and knowing you can never have it. Loving him up close is so much fucking worse. Now he knows the feeling of Theo's bare skin beneath his hands, knows the feeling of Theo's lips against his own and the memory is there every single time he closes his eyes. Alec had laughed and touched and he was never going to get over this man.

Alec knows all of Theo's flaws and shortcomings now, he knows the shape of his smile and the shadows of fear that haunt him, and somehow he adores him all the more for it. Theo is far from perfect, but Alec loves him. Always has and probably always will.

Love is a painful, beautiful, terrible thing, and Alec is pretty sure that loving Theodore James will be the thing that breaks him.

When there's no reply from Theo after a day it stings, but Alec tries not to read into it too deeply. Theo might just need some time. He's a thinker, a worrier, and he might come around. Except one day becomes two and two becomes three and after a week, Alec knows there is no message coming. The finality of the lack of reply is like a physical wound. As the days pass, the hurt doesn't lessen but grows like a weed, wild and unwanted, digging roots into Alec's heart and lungs until he's suffocating.

Desperate to numb the pain, Alec throws himself into school and the team, convinced if he works hard enough that somehow he can be good enough to forget. His goal is to keep himself too busy to think about Theo or being rejected, which isn't very difficult considering his course load combined with their five practice days and two to three games a week. It all barely leaves him enough time to piss.

If he's not in class, he's at practice or a game and if he's not busy with either of those, he's trying to force himself to study to keep his grades up so he can continue to play. In the past maintaining his GPA was never a problem. Despite his disinterest in his major, passing classes hadn't been too difficult because his motivation to stay on the team surpassed his boredom with the subjects. This year, that's not enough and every class, every assignment, is like dragging his brain through the mud.

Days turn into weeks, and as more time passes, Theo never reaches out. It's clear at this point that Theo is ignoring him. His disregard is so deeply triggering to Alec that it makes him want to scream, but doing so would shatter the image he's upholding where he pretends he's perfectly fine. Every day that passes without a word from Theo makes it harder and harder for Alec not to be angry, despite how badly he doesn't want to be.

Desperate to forget, he pushes himself harder until he's nearly collapsing at practice or close to puking after a game. He plays like it's the only thing he has left, and maybe it is. At least on the field Alec knows exactly who he is supposed to be.

All in all, Alec thinks he's coping pretty damn well, considering his body is exhausted and his mind won't shut the fuck up. When his body screams at him to slow down and rest, Alec pushes himself harder. When the coach finds him in the gym long after practice ends, he jokingly tells Alec to cool down but in the same breath also praises his work ethic. It reaffirms Alec's need to hide his real feelings. When Alec's jaw aches from chewing too much gum and his knuckles have calluses from biting them, he continues to push because he doesn't know how to do anything else.

Weeks of sleepless nights and gnawing sense of deregulation lead Alec to making an impulse purchase in the middle of the night, where he uses his emergency credit card to buy a fancy pebble ice machine. The serotonin is short-lived, but the euphoria of having unlimited access to crunchy ice has its benefits. Alec eats so much ice he might as well become a goddamn penguin. His roommates threaten to hide the ice machine if Alec doesn't stop crunching all the time, but what he doesn't tell them, any of them, is that he can't stop. He can't bring himself to admit that every second he's not biting or chewing on something or fidgeting, he feels like he's going to crawl out of his skin.

Everyone has always looked at his inability to stay still or his oral fixation as a quirk, not something he has to do to feel sane. If he told them, he knows they'd stop teasing him or getting annoyed, but telling them feels too close to admitting he's not okay, so Alec bottles up the feelings and packs away the ice machine.

All the while his classes continue to get harder and the workload increases to the point he can't keep up with the reading and homework. As pressure from the team and the relentless practices mount, every day Alec is reminded of who he's supposed to be and all the ways he couldn't be what Theo wanted.

He bites the ends off all his pencils, develops fresh calluses on his knuckles from chewing on them, and pushes himself so hard in the gym he nearly passes out. No one notices. The worst of all is that none of it quiets the storm raging inside of Alec, because the harder he tries to pretend everything is okay, the worse everything feels.

The biggest problem comes when he can't run himself to the bone anymore, when classes and practices and games pile up so high, Alec feels like he's drowning. Suddenly, he's too tired to keep using the weight room in the gym to avoid studying. Only when he tries to study, Alec's dread grows, as does the hatred for his classes. He hates his major, hates every second of his business classes, and his damn brain has decided that his lack of interest means he is no longer capable of mustering the will to study.

For the first time in Alec's entire college career, he fails a test. It's only a practice quiz that barely counts for any of his grade, but panic takes hold anyway. After class, his professor holds Alec back to discuss his progress, reassuring him that this won't affect his ability to play as long as he studies hard for the next test. What Alec doesn't say to his professor is that he had studied, but the words went in his brain and right back out, like waves succumbing to the changing tides.

Walking out of the classroom and back to the quad, something inside of Alec crumbles. It's not a crack or a break, not something that can be fixed with some strong will and stubbornness. It's as if something inside of him disintegrates into a thousand pieces, shattering like a windshield.

The rest of the day passes in a blur and Alec hardly pays attention to his classes, only peripherally aware of his teammates' worried looks as he runs himself ragged at practice, all but bolting when practice ends so he won't have to face Antonio. He knows if he has to look at his best friend, he's going to let it all out. Scrambling to maintain control, he realizes he has none, and in a moment of utter weakness a thought calls out to him, unwanted and suffocating but true nonetheless: he's angry at Theo.

Anger is Alec's least favorite emotion. He's gotten mad at bullies or bad ref calls, but those were fleeting feelings about injustice, not about him personally. Getting mad at someone when all Alec's wanted his entire life is to be liked by people was kind of counterproductive. Hell, he can't even really get mad at his brothers for more than an hour without guilt churning in his stomach. He hates being mad at people, so he tries to let the growing fury fade away, and tries to remind himself that Theo didn't make him any promises.

Except that, well—he had made Alec a promise. Theo promised Alec he wouldn't hurt him and that's exactly what he did. He hurt Alec. He hurt him so much he can hardly breathe. The hurt twists inside, offering his brain something to focus on besides his practice and his classes, and how painfully out of control everything feels. Thoughts spinning, Alec starts to walk and doesn't stop with no idea where he's going. Eventually the sun sets and after a long trek around the city, instead of ending up back home he arrives in front of Theo's house.

The lights are off, and a glance at his phone tells him why. It's after ten on a weeknight. Fuck, how long did he wander around town? Hours. Hours of mindless movement that did nothing to dull his pain. Of course Theo is asleep, because he's a man with a life and a job and a routine. A routine in which there was apparently no room for Alec.

Before he can think through what he's doing, he's on the porch and knocking so hard his fist hurts, banging over and over until the door swings open, bringing him face to face with a sleepy, confused Theo. He stares at Alec like he's never seen him before, and the last bit of Alec's heart is swept away with the tide.

"You sent me away." His voice cracks, dropping to barely above a whisper, but the broken look in Theo's eyes lets him know he's loud enough. "You sent me away."

"Alexander."

Alec chokes, unable to stomach the way Theo says his full name like it's important. Like he is important. "How could you?"

"You know I'm not good at this." Theo sags, scrubbing a hand over his face. "I told you, I wasn't going to ever be the guy who could give you what you need. Maybe this was better. You can go find someone better for you."

"Bullshit," Alec cries, refusing to let him get away with excuses.

"Alec."

Theo steps closer and something in Alec's expression shutters.

"No." Alec gives Theo's chest a shove. He's solid, unmovable, and Alec's fist presses against Theo's chest as he tries not to cry. He fucking hates crying. "I didn't ask you for anything, Theo. I knew what I was getting into, but you weren't supposed to pull away from me again. You've been ignoring me, and I fucking hate being ignored. You know me, you know how much I hate it and you did it anyway. Why? Why are you ignoring me?"

Even in the face of Alec's desperation, Theo is quiet and it makes the storm raging in Alec so loud he can hardly hear his own messy thoughts, can barely breathe through the pain and fury he's been ignoring.

"No clubs, you said." Alec's other hand comes up to Theo's chest. He's not even sure what he's doing, both his hands balled up against Theo's chest. He wants to shove him again, wants to do anything to show Theo how much he's hurting, but he can't do more than fist his hands in Theo's sweater and remember what it felt like to be held. "You said someone might hurt me. You hurt me. "