16. Theo

CHAPTER 16

Theo

Alec is spiraling. Theo's never seen it firsthand like this. He's heard stories from Jason, knows enough about trauma and rejection sensitivity dysphoria to know it's likely some messy mix of both, but he doesn't know how to fix it.

He's pretty sure Alec thinks he was being rejected, which wasn't Theo's intention. All he was trying to do was avoid being one of the many assholes who'd made Alec uncomfortable or taken advantage of him. The idea of doing that to Alec turns his stomach. He never wanted to hurt him, only he apparently had yet again.

"Alexander, look at me."

Alec's body goes still, unnaturally so for him, and he lifts his gaze to meet Theo's. There's so much confusion and pain there, but the trust is what undoes Theo. For all the times Theo's inadvertently hurt him, he must've done something right too, because Alec still trusts him. He can't begin to imagine what he's done to deserve that faith, but he wants to be the kind of man that Alec seems to think he is.

"I'm not rejecting you, Alec."

"That's not what it feels like," Alec mumbles, scrubbing at his watery eyes with his sweater-covered fists. He pulls his knees inside the sweater, everything but his head hidden beneath the fabric like it's some kind of protective shell.

"I know, but brains can be kind of mean sometimes." Theo inches closer, not sure if he should touch him or not. "Also you might've noticed, but I'm not the best at saying what I mean. I'm kind of bad at communicating."

Alec settles his chin on knees, staring at Theo. "You are horrible at it."

"Wow, don't spare my feelings," Theo teases, relieved at the way Alec cracks a smile. "We can't all be as perfect as you."

"I am pretty perfect," Alec sniffles, his bravado making Theo's heart clench. Even if all the reasons make sense, it's hard for Theo to reconcile how many years he's spent missing out on how great Alec is because of his own shit. "Took you long enough to notice."

"What can I say, sometimes I'm a little slow."

"That's all right, you have your other strengths," Alec says, some of his smile returning. It renders Theo speechless, the air in his very lungs hard to access. Alec should always be smiling, should always be happy, and it's a little terrifying for Theo to realize he wants to be one of the reasons that his smile stays on his beautiful face.

Some of that smile flickers as he twists Theo's sleeves between his fingers. "I'm sorry. For ruining things."

"You didn't ruin anything. Please don't apologize. Unless you do something really stupid or reckless, like getting drunk or picking a fight with someone twice your size again."

"I don't ever want to drink again," Alec groans. "Though I can't make any promises about the other part. "

He's pretty sure Alec is joking, but the idea of him getting hurt without Theo there to step in has Theo's chest roaring with defensive instincts. He's felt protective of Jason before, but not like this. He wants to wrap Alec up in his sweaters, in his bed, wants to make him laugh and smile and never let anyone else hurt him ever again. He wants to keep Alec safe and happy, but he has no idea how to do that when he's positioned himself to be someone who could break him.

Virginity might be a stupid convention, but the trust Alec has placed in Theo isn't. He trusts Theo to keep him safe, to make him feel good, and to not demand things from him he isn't willing to give. Alec might be offering Theo his body, but Theo is under no delusions about his heart. That is entirely off limits, not that Theo would have a clue what to do with it if it weren't. It's for the best that Alec won't get attached to Theo. What's happening now might be toeing the line of friendship, but it's still a line, and it's one Theo isn't going to cross.

Theo can absolutely fuck Alec—beautiful, feisty, fierce as hell Alexander King—and not get feelings. He knows he can. He's never gotten them for anyone else, and this won't be different. Some mutual sexual gratification, a little harmless flirting because honestly anyone with two brain cells wouldn't be able to resist Alec's charm, and then they can each move on.

"You look like you're about to take a test and forgot to study."

"That is not what I look like right now," Theo says.

"It totally is." Alec laughs, moving onto his knees. Theo tries to keep a straight face but Alec's inching closer, his face screwed up in the world's most over-exaggerated expression. Theo can only assume he's making fun, but seeing stern frown lines on Alec's face are out of place as they are ridiculous.

Theo laughs. "You are such a pain in the ass."

"And yet my ass is still empty," Alec says, flopping down on the bed dramatically. There's something heady about how comfortable he is in his own skin, how much he doesn't seem to give a fuck that he's naked beneath Theo's sweater and his cock is exposed. It's softened from their talk earlier, only half-hard now.

Most of Alec's body is smooth, from his toned chest to his thighs that only have the lightest dusting of hair. Even his treasure trail is sparse, the faintest bit of hair leading from his belly button to his cock, which is nestled in a sparse patch of curls.

"You're staring," Alec says, hitching a knee up then tipping it sideways and exposing himself further.

It's clear he likes the weight of Theo's gaze, widening his legs until he's on full display. Where Theo would recoil under the attention, Alec basks under it, dragging his hand to the hem of the sweater and pushing it until it's tucked under Alec's chin, his gorgeous body on display for Theo.

"You like me staring."

It's not a question, but Alec answers anyway. "Yes."

"You always did love attention," Theo murmurs, skimming his palm over Alec's thigh and delighting in the goosebumps that spring up. Alec's thighs are a beautiful thing, the thickest part of him with muscles hardened from years of dedication to his sport.

Every touch from Theo seems to turn him on more until his cock begins to harden again, the foreskin stretching as his cock lengthens. He's a grower then, still noticeably smaller than Theo even when erect, but still perfect like the rest of him. Alec has a pretty cock, flushed and pearling at the tip.

Theo is under no delusions that it's him specifically making Alec widen his knees and arch his back. He's young, aroused and has never experienced this before, so of course he's going to be needy, but it's an ego boost for Theo to pretend it's solely for him. He's always enjoyed sex, enjoyed the play of bodies and the exchange of power. He likes the feeling of skin on skin and the release of finding climax, all things Alec has never done with another man. Things he's going to do with Theo.

"You look like you're waiting for something."

"You know damn well I am," Alec retorts, blinking at Theo with those big brown eyes of his. He waits only a second before locking their gaze and then pulling the sweater up further, until some of the material is bunched up between his teeth. Then he lets out a groan, mouthing at the sweater. There's not an ounce of shame in him as he does it, and the sight of Alec uninhibited and clearly feeling safe enough to do what he needs to regulate has Theo's world tipping off-kilter.

He says something, but with the sweater between his teeth it's impossible to make out what.

"What's that?"

Alec huffs, letting the material fall from his mouth. "I said are you gonna stare all day or are you going to touch me?"

The words send a scorching bolt of arousal to his gut. It should figure that the most inexperienced person Theo's ever fucked is also turning out to be the most brazen. It's so very Alec.

"I'm gonna touch," Theo says softly, "but only if you promise to tell me to stop if you need me to."

"I already told you I'm not going to tell you stop so?—"

Theo lets his body fall forward, the mattress bouncing as Theo's hands fall down on either side of Alec's head. It earns him all of Alec's attention and an unexpected look of surprise that Theo knows is going to haunt his dreams.

"Yeah, you did, and I'm telling you right now I'm not letting this go any further unless you promise to tell me if you need me to stop. I'm not small and it might hurt, and there's nothing wrong with not being ready or changing your mind. I don't care if I'm balls deep inside of you, Alec. If you're done, you tell me."

Alec blinks, his mouth falling open.

"I don't want to hurt you. Jason would kill me."

Alec's face screws up in displeasure. "That. I don't like that. Don't talk about my brother while I'm naked. Ew."

"Right, no talking about Ja?—"

Alec's hand flies out to cover Theo's mouth. The look Alec gives him is probably supposed to be a menacing glare, but is just kind of adorable. Not that Theo is thinking about how adorable Alec is. Naked and sexy, sure. Adorable is verging way too close to feelings.

" CanItalkyet ?" Theo mumbles around Alec's hand.

"Depends on what you're gonna say," Alec replies, slowly lowering his hand.

"I want to see you moan around my sweater while I fuck you."

The prettiest shade of pink blossoms on Alec's cheeks.

"You wanna choke on it, Alec? Want your mouth stuffed full while I fuck you?"

The blush deepens, spreading down his neck and drawing Theo's eyes to the hollow of his throat where his gold chain is pooled. With a delicate touch Theo tugs on the chain, smoothing it out around Alec's throat.

"Did I finally find a way to shut you up, Alexander?"

"I'll show you shut up," Alec huffs, throwing himself at Theo. He could easily push him back but he doesn't, letting Alec shove him back onto the bed and straddle his thighs. "You—you?—"

"I what?" Theo asks, resting his hands on Alec's bare thighs. He can't seem to get enough of them, giving the meaty flesh a squeeze.

"You're teasing me," Alec grumbles, his cheeks deep red now. Between his curls in disarray and the collar of the sweater stretched out and wet from Alec's spit, he looks wrecked already and Theo hasn't even fucked him yet.

"What are you going to do if I am?" Theo asks, unsure what's happening. He never talks during sex, doesn't tease and flirt once he's naked with someone, but this isn't some random hookup. This is Alec . He's not just Jason's baby brother, he's also Theo's friend. Maybe that last bit is what is messing with Theo's brain. He's never fucked someone he actually knew first or someone he liked. Maybe that's all it is. Except watching Alec above him, he's not so sure. There's a spark in Alec's eyes, something playful and free, and it makes Theo forget to overthink and close off like he normally does.

Looking at Alec makes it difficult to remember all the reasons he's supposed to hold back when Alec clearly isn't. There's no one else quite like Alec, so it makes sense sex with him might be different. Theo just needs to mentally prepare. He needs to regain control. He needs?—

"You have way too many clothes, Theodore." Alec moves his hands to Theo's pants, fingers toying with the button. "Can I take them off, pretty please with a cherry on top? I'll be a good boy."

The laugh bubbles out before Theo knows what's happening, and when Alec gapes at him in surprise he laughs harder.

"Theodore James, how dare you laugh at me during sex?"

"I can't help it." Theo continues to laugh. "You're never a good boy."

"Oh, fuck you." Alec swats Theo's chest with the sleeve of the sweater that's hanging over his hands and despite his words, the smile on his face is wide. "You know what I'm realizing? I think I'm a bad influence on you."

"Little too late to realize that." Theo grins.

Alec shrugs. "Might as well corrupt you completely. Come on then, dick in ass and more kissing, Mr. James. I don't have all day. Unless you think I should go back to that club later and?—"

Theo doesn't let him finish, fingers digging into Alec's hips as he flips them so Alec is beneath him. Alec might be young and fit, but Theo's got nearly six inches and eighty pounds on him so he can put Alec anywhere he wants him, which right now happens to be beneath him. "No club."

"No?" Alec says with mock innocence.

"No," Theo repeats, shocked at the gravelly tone of his voice. He needs to get a goddamn hold of himself. He sounds like a possessive boyfriend. He's going to freak Alec out.

"Damn, Theodore." Alec's fingers curl around the back of his neck. "That's hot as fuck."

Any reply Theo might have is lost when Alec pulls him down in a filthy kiss, reminding Theo that while Alec might be inexperienced he isn't bashful. Deepening the kiss, he lets his own tongue slip into Alec's mouth, delighting at the guttural moan it earns him.

"Fuck."

"Yes," Theo whispers, breaking the kiss to focus on getting his pants off. He pops open the button, tugging the zipper down so he can shove them over his ass along with his boxers. He has to get off Alec to remove them the rest of the way, but the momentary loss of physical contact is worth it when he catches sight of Alec's flushed face and dilated pupils. Any lingering insecurity Theo might have held about his body flees under Alec's appreciative stare.

This moment is a perfect reminder of what Theo likes so much about sex, which is it has such a clear, defined start and stop. Sex has always been easy to separate from feelings because all he had to focus on was the other person's arousal. When he turns his focus on someone else, making them feel as good as possible, then they don't stop to focus on Theo too deeply.

Sex has always been about physical gratification. Nothing more and nothing less. The one time he dated someone, there'd only been a few dates and Theo had done everything in his power to keep his emotional distance, so he hadn't been surprised when it blew up because he hadn't even really tried. He'd gone on dates more to get Jason off his back, because his best friend was a stupid romantic and had been worried Theo was lonely.

Thankfully after that epic crash and burn, Jason stopped suggesting Theo might want a relationship and Theo happily went back to his fuck-and-done mentality, which has been serving him just fine. Or has it? a little voice screams in the back of his head, reminding him the last two times he went to the club and came home alone.

Theo tries to ignore the voice, focusing on the rise and fall of Alec's chest and the weighted way he's looking at Theo. This is still just sex. He's scratching an itch, making sure he gets over his little crush on Alec, while also making sure Alec's first time is with someone who won't hurt him.

"How do you feel?" Theo asks.

Alec snorts. "Is that a serious question?"

"Obviously."

"Horny."

A smile plays at the corner of Theo's mouth while he lets his gaze travel up Alec's body, taking in every muscle and curve. He's beautiful.

"You wanna take that sweater off?" Theo asks, already reaching for it when Alec shakes his head before averting his gaze.

"You want me to fuck you in my sweater, Alexander?"

Alec exhales slowly. "Fuck, yes."

There's something else in his tone, but Theo doesn't want to push. It isn't his place. Besides, the idea of fucking Alec while he wears Theo's sweater is incredibly arousing. He's never fucked anyone who was wearing his clothes. Maybe he has a kink for that. His cock certainly likes the idea, judging by the way it's rock hard and leaking.

Theo must stare for too long because Alec groans loudly. "You can get on with the fucking now."

"It's not a race," Theo tells him, smoothing his hands down Alec's thighs to rest at his knees.

Alec's entire body trembles and his eyes stay focused on the ceiling. "That's good, because if it was a race I'd win, you know."

"I'm sure you would," Theo replies, letting his fingers ghost down to brush over the backs of Alec's knees as he spreads his legs to make room for himself.

"I—good," Alec croaks.

"Alec."

"Just do it," Alec grunts, squeezing his eyes shut.

The shift in his demeanor is unexpected and flips a switch in Theo's brain. Alec is nervous.

It occurs to Theo that he's known Alec his entire life and he's never once seen him nervous. Hyped up on adrenaline, exhausted, confused, worried, but never nervous. The realization triggers that protective instinct urge deep in Theo. It makes him want to curl around Alec and hide him away from the world. It's not something he's used to feeling and he doesn't at all want to examine what it means. It probably just has to do with the trust Alec is placing in him. It's not every day someone chooses you to be their first.

Part of Theo feels a little guilty. Alec deserves his first time to be with someone he loves, but he also deserves for it to be on his terms. Alec told him he wants this and Theo needs to trust Alec.

"Breathe."

"I'm not dead yet so—" Alec gives a thumbs up, which might be funny if Theo's need to shield Alec from discomfort weren't so strong.

Unfortunately he doesn't think asking Alec if he's nervous would go over very well right now, when Alec isn't in a conversational mood. It's obvious Alec wants this to happen but it's equally clear, even if Alec doesn't want to admit it, he's anxious. Which means it's Theo's job to get him relaxed and out of that pretty head of his. What he needs to do is give Alec's brain something else to focus on. Watching Alec's jaw open and close, he gets an idea.

"Alec."

"If you ask me if I'm okay, I'll kick you out of this bed."

"Wasn't going to." Theo snorts, oddly amused and turned on by Alec's sass. Even while he's out of sorts and nervous, he's still full of fire, and Theo likes it a whole lot more than he was prepared for. "I was going to ask if you wanted to suck my cock."

"I thought you were gonna fuck me?" Alec blurts, raising himself onto his elbows to peer at Theo with wide eyes.

"You saying you don't want your mouth full of my cock?"

At that, Alec actually moans, letting Theo know he's on the right track. It also makes Theo bolder. "I thought maybe you could fill that mouth of yours while I get you ready. Think you can do that, Alec? Think you can have a mouth full of cock while I prep you to be fucked?"

"Yes," Alec groans.

"Good," Theo says, crawling off Alec and moving to the bedside table. He opens it, pulling out a condom and the bottle of lube he keeps there. When he turns back, it's to see Alec biting on his bottom lip so hard it looks like it might bleed. He drops the lube and condoms onto the mattress then reaches out to gently pry the lip out from between Alec's teeth. Alec's jaw trembles and while Theo isn't entirely sure what he's doing, it's obviously the right thing because as soon as his fingers press down on Alec's lips, he sucks them into his mouth.

It's Theo's turn to moan as Alec sucks hard on two of his fingers, swallowing them down like he would a cock, his tongue lapping at the underside of Theo's fingers and hollowing his cheeks.

Saliva runs down the side of Alec's lips while Theo pulls his fingers slightly out, unprepared for the whimper it earns him. It makes him curious to see what would happen if he slipped them back in. Experimentally he presses his two fingers to Alec's bottom lip, shuddering when Alec opens his mouth wide to accept them again. He knew Alec liked things in his mouth, but he still wasn't prepared to see Alec eager to deep-throat his fingers.

"You want them?" Theo asks.

Big brown eyes blink at Theo, offering more of an answer than words ever could. Slowly Theo presses them inside, barely able to fight off his own groan of pleasure when Alec sucks them in harder and deeper than before, until Theo's fingertips reach the back of his throat. Instinctively he tries to pull them back, but Alec grabs his wrist to hold him in place, moaning around the fingers as he sucks.

There's no spluttering or choking, and the unexpected new knowledge that Alec doesn't have a gag reflex has Theo yanking his fingers out of Alec's mouth and replacing them with his tongue. He pulls Alec to him with demanding hands, shivering at the way Alec lets Theo take control. It's been a long time since Theo was this turned on, this desperate to fuck someone. He wants to crowd Alec into the mattress, cover his smaller body with his own and bury himself so deep in Alec he can't tell where each of them begin and end.

With every touch of lips, Alec moans louder and Theo's patience snaps. He pulls back, desperate to be inside of Alec, but the loss of contact has Alec whining while he tries to pull Theo back down to him.

"Shh," Theo soothes, kissing Alec's forehead. "I'm gonna make you feel so good."

"Fuck."

"Soon," Theo promises, thumbing at Alec's spit-soaked lips. They're so full and pretty, delicate on his otherwise masculine face. They're going to look so good wrapped around his cock and Theo wishes he could watch and enjoy it, but this isn't about him. It's all about Alec and Theo is more than prepared to make him the star of this show.

"Pinch me."

The request takes Theo by surprise. "Wait, are you into painplay?"

"What? Hell no, I just wanna check if I'm hallucinating," Alec says, somehow managing to make a joke even while clearly on unsteady ground. It sends another wave of protectiveness through Theo. Alec is so damn special.

"Well?" Alec arches one eyebrow.

"I'm not going to pinch you."

"So you'll stick your fingers and dick in my ass but pinching is too—ow, fuck," Alec yelps, rubbing his ass. "I meant like a baby pinch, asshole! I can't believe you actually pinched me."

"Sorry!" Theo laughs, not entirely sure what's happening. One second he wants to swaddle Alec in bubble wrap to protect him from the world, the next he wants to fuck him into the mattress until he's a writhing mess, and now he's laughing because Alec is ridiculous even in a situation that could be awkward. All of it should be weird, yet somehow, it's not.

"You don't sound sorry," Alec says seriously, but it's clear he's trying not to laugh.

"I—" but Theo can't get another word out because Alec is trying to tickle him.

"What the hell are you doing?"

"Whatever I want." Alec smirks, his delicate fingers finding purchase on Theo's belly. He gives it a little squish before tickling until Theo's laughing so hard that he can hardly breathe. He grabs both of Alec's hands and pulls them away, enclosing them in his grasp to keep Alec's hands where he can see them.

"You win," Theo gasps, breathless, horny, and most unexpectedly of all, happy.

"Even when something isn't a competition, I win." Alec grins. "You know I haven't heard you laugh that hard in a long time. You sound good."

"I laugh," Theo protests.

"Not with me," Alec whispers, lowering his gaze to where Theo has both Alec's wrists trapped in one of his hands. Alec's wrists are small and delicate, reminding Theo that beneath the bravado and muscles is just a boy who could easily be broken.

"Alec."

"Don't," Alec whispers, leaning forward to press a kiss to Theo's lips. "You promised."

He loosens his grip on Alec's wrists, reaching up to brush a stray curl from Alec's face, unsure how the mood shifted so quickly. He doesn't know what to say, what to do, but Alec doesn't share his hesitation and presses Theo down on the mattress with a hand to his chest. Theo offers one last kiss that feels almost the end of something that hasn't even started yet.

"Just…be gentle, okay?"

"I'd never hurt you, Alexander."

Alec's expression shifts, something unreadable in his eyes as he opens his mouth and then closes it just as quickly. Theo wants to ask, wants to push, but once again, he holds back. This is already veering into dangerous territory.

"How do you want me?"

Such a loaded question. How doesn't Theo want him would be an easier thing to answer.

"Straddle my chest with your ass by my face and—" but Theo doesn't even finish before Alec is swinging a knee over Theo's chest, having to spread his legs to fit over Theo's much wider body. The position brings his hard cock to rest in the center of Theo's chest, his perfectly full ass right in front of Theo's face while he wastes absolutely no time moving his mouth to Theo's cock. There's no teasing licks, only the warm, wet heat of Alec's mouth as he swallows Theo down as far as he can.

For a few seconds Theo forgets himself, lost in the pleasure of Alec's willing mouth. Theo isn't small by any means and while Alec definitely can't deep-throat him, it's clear he's trying, damn near choking on Theo's cock. It's not until he whines, rutting into Theo's chest that Theo remembers himself. He's supposed to be distracting Alec so he can prep him, not being the one distracted.

"Take it easy on me or I might come before I can fuck you," Theo admits, not wanting to ruin Alec's experience.

Alec stills, the line of his back taut. Theo almost worries he's ruined the moment, but then Alec's body relaxes as he sags, no longer sucking but still keeping Theo's cock situated in his mouth. It's a little unexpected to have someone's mouth on him without them doing anything, but not at all unwelcome.

Exhaling a shuddering breath, Theo retrieves the lube from where he dropped it, uncapping the lid and squeezing some on his fingers. He rubs it between thumb and forefinger to try and warm it up before moving his hand to Alec's ass. Spreading him wide, he takes a moment to appreciate Alec's ass, the freckles that hide in the crease, and the hole no one but Theo has ever touched before. He's gorgeous, and Theo isn't sure he's deserving of this moment but he's going to take it, because for once in his life he doesn't want to do the smart and safe thing. He wants this, wants Alec, and judging by the way Alec's cock leaks on his chest, Alec wants him too.

"I'm going to?—"

"Please," Alec begs, pulling off Theo's cock. His voice is rough, desperate, and Theo's never heard him like this before. It's a beautiful sound and one he's not likely to ever forget.

Dragging his lubed-up thumb over the puckered hole with one hand, Theo uses his other to rub circles on Alec's lower back. He keens, arching his ass back so the tip of Theo's thumb presses inside, which makes Alec squirm even more. He thrusts back and makes a desperate, needy sound that will fuel all of Theo's jerk-off fantasies for the next decade.

Continuing to rub circles on his lower back, he presses his thumb in deeper and it earns him another one of those delicious sounds from Alec.

"You want another?"

"You fucking know I do," Alec groans.

Theo pulls his thumb out, adding more lube to his fingers and then switching to his pointer finger so he can get in deeper. He thrusts it in and out, mesmerized by the sight of his own thick finger pressing into Alec's hole. The resistance is there, but it's not what Theo expected so he adds a second, unprepared for Alec to damn near choke himself on Theo's cock.

"I've got you, you're okay," Theo soothes, letting his palm roam over as much of Alec's back as he can reach while Alec's mouth remains suctioned around his cock. He's still not sucking, just holding it in his mouth as deep as he can go, as if having a mouthful of Theo's dick is the only thing keeping him from falling apart.

A flashback to Theo's first time flitters at the edges of his consciousness, recalling awkward kisses and hands, not enough lube, and the sharp sting of a door handle in his back. He'd been seventeen and stupid and very horny, none of which were a good combo. The sex had been pretty horrible given they were both virgins, and while neither of them had done it on purpose, Theo had it on good authority he hadn't made it great for his partner. Inexperience, impatience and a lack of sex-ed could do that. Thankfully, Theo wasn't a bumbling teenager anymore. He understood what it took to make sex good, what it took to make another person feel physical bliss, and if he could spare Alec painful awkward memories, he would.

"You've got to breathe," Theo reminds him, adding a third finger.

There's a rumble from Alec, the vibrations making Theo's cock twitch and his hands plunge in deeper. At the push of fingers Alec makes the sound again, humming loud and deep around Theo's cock until Theo crooks his fingers to brush over Alec's prostate and then he's damn near howling. He takes Theo's cock so deep the tip breaches the back of Alec's throat, while Alec comes in heavy spurts between them, completely untouched.

Before Theo can react, Alec is pulling off, rolling onto his back and trying to suffocate himself with one of Theo's pillows for the second time.

"Alec."

"Alec isn't here," Alec mumbles from beneath the pillow.

"Oh, so there's a different naked man in my bed?"

A few seconds pass before one of Alec's hands unclenches itself from the pillow so that he can lift it to flip Theo off. A good sign, if Theo ever saw one.

Careful not to spook him, he inches closer very slowly. When Alec doesn't recoil at the dip of the bed beside him, Theo tentatively reaches a hand out to touch Alec's thigh. When he doesn't flinch at that, Theo adds another hand, sliding them up until he's got two hands on Alec's hips, his grip firm and unyielding as if telling Alec all the things he can't with words.

"Alec, I—" His words are cut short by someone banging on the front door. Three solid, firm knocks. Theo knows that knock pattern. "Fuck."

The cursing is apparently enough to get Alec's attention because he lifts the pillow off his face, eyes red and wet. Theo wants to kill himself for what is happening right now. After what they just did, he should be reassuring Alec who is clearly not okay, but he can't because if he doesn't answer the door in the next two minutes, Jason is going to use his spare key. If Jason walks in, if Jason finds Theo in bed, naked and covered in his baby brother's come, he will lose everything.

Suddenly the world is closing in around Theo, the reality of what they just did damn near suffocating. How did he let this happen? How did he think he could fuck Alec and nothing would change? How is he supposed to look Jason in the eyes?

Struggling to find any scenario where things will be okay, Theo rolls out of bed, determined to at least try. He grabs a handful of tissues and wipes the evidence of Alec's release off his belly. His own erection is already wilting, done in by the prospect of losing his best friend. Fuck. He was so stupid.

"Theo?"

Alec's sitting up now, the pillow in his lap and his big, brown eyes looking at Theo with confusion. This is exactly what Theo was supposed to be avoiding. He'd promised Alec a good first time so that no one would hurt him, and now Theo is doing just that.

He's not cut out for this, especially not with Alec.

"You have to go."

The look on Alec's face is one of the worst things Theo has ever seen.

"Oh," Alec whispers.

Three more solid, firm knocks. A reminder their time is running out.

"I forgot I was supposed to meet Jason for breakfast at ten." Theo glances at the clock and wants to scream. It's nearly eleven thirty. He's usually so good with time. He never stands Jason up, which means Jason's probably out there worried and ready to come barreling in. "You need to leave, right now. He can't know you were here."

"Theo."

"You can keep the sweater and shit, your clothes from last night are in the wash. I forgot to put them in the dryer."

Theo hurries to the dresser, digging around until he finds a pair of sweats with a drawstring. They're going to be huge on Alec, but they're the best he's got. He hands them over along with a clean pair of socks. Theo is a coward, keeping his eyes on the ground. He cannot look at Alec's face again, cannot see the proof of how much he's hurting him.

"Thanks," Alec mumbles.

The silence that follows is louder than any words could be. Part of Theo wishes Alec would yell at him, remind him what a horrible person he is, but Alec doesn't say anything as he dresses quietly and somehow that hurts more.

Every beat of Theo's heart thunders in his ears as he pulls his jeans and sweater back on. When he dares to look up at Alec, he almost wishes he hadn't. Standing there in Theo's clothes, he looks so young and vulnerable. The sweater cuffs hang over his hands and the sweats pool over his bare feet. He's beautiful.

"I'm sorry," Theo whispers. "I made you a promise and?—"

"It's okay, Theodore." Alec offers him a smile he doesn't deserve, offering him the kind of reassurance that Theo should be giving to Alec. It twists a knot inside of Theo, a harsh and painful reminder of how horrible he is at feelings. "I can sneak out the side gate. I won't tell Jason. You don't have to worry."

Much as Theo wishes he could tell Alec it doesn't matter, they both know that's not true. Even though the thought of Jason finding out makes Theo want to fall apart, watching Alec walk away hurts just as much. Alec doesn't yell or protest, even though he has every right given that he's all but being kicked out. He's mature, understanding, and doesn't hesitate to walk away from Theo. It's exactly what needs to happen, yet the knot around Theo's chest doesn't loosen.

"You need a ride home and?—"

"It's fine," Alec interrupts, eyes focused on the ground. Rio streaks past Theo, moving to paw at Alec's legs, but he doesn't pick her up despite her noisy mewls for attention. "I can't, baby. I gotta go."

She doesn't understand, letting out a pitifully unhappy sound as Alec ignores her. "I'll just sneak out the back door and down the side gate and?—"

The rest of his words are cut off by the familiar sound of a key in the lock. Theo freezes. There is no explaining this away. He was supposed to watch out for Alec, not let him get drunk then try and fuck him. Alec probably hates him and now Jason will, too.

When the door flies open, there's a moment of confusion as Jason hovers in the doorway, eyes wide as he stares. Theo's standing by the couch with his attention on Jason, while Alec stands there with an unhappy kitten desperate for attention. He's also wearing Theo's clothing, which is going to complicate everything and?—

"Oh, damn you caught us," Alec says.

Theo's lungs stop working as he glances between Alec, who is smiling, and Jason who looks like he's not sure what the hell is happening, which is exactly how Theo feels.

"I caught you," Jason echoes, stepping into the house.

"Yeah." Alec blows out a breath, leaning against the couch. "Theo was being a good guy and trying to help me avoid my hangover embarrassment. I made a fool of myself."

Jason looks at Theo, whose expression must confirm Alec's lie because Jason shakes his head. "I knew you'd be trouble, Alec. That's why I asked Theo to keep an eye on you."

"That's me, trouble." Alec laughs, but the sound is hollow and Theo can't find it in himself to laugh along with them. He knows exactly what Alec is doing, and he's sick to his stomach that he's letting him.

"I got pretty wasted and well, just be glad you weren't there. Ruined my clothes, too, but Theo was nice enough to let me sleep it off here and borrow some of his things. It's my fault he missed breakfast. You know how I am."

Alec shrugs as if any of this is his fault, as if he was some kind of trouble. As if Theo didn't willingly take him home and take care of him. As if all of this isn't entirely Theo's fault. He was the older one last night, the sober one. He made these choices, not Alec.

"It's all right," Jason says with an easy smile. He crosses the room to ruffle Alec's hair. "We were all young and stupid once. I'm just glad everything is okay."

Alec slaps Jason's hand away, flipping him off before he finds his shoes and slips them on. "I'll, uh, get out of your hair, Theo. Thanks again."

"Don't mention it," Theo mumbles.

"You need a ride home?" Jason asks Alec.

"I'm good," Alec shoves his hands into his pockets, grabbing his sneakers and moving towards the front door. "See you guys later."

Jason waits until the door is closed behind Alec to blow out a breath and shake his head. "I'm sorry you had to deal with him alone. I didn't actually think he'd get that drunk."

"It was no big deal," Theo says softly.

"You're a good friend, man." Jason claps him on the shoulder, grinning. "You got anything to eat? I'm starving. By the way, did I tell you Mr. Hanover, the science teacher, quit? I've gotta tell you all the chisme."

Hearing Spanish immediately has Theo thinking of Alec. He does his best to push those thoughts aside while Jason shares every bit of gossip he's managed to hear about Mr. Hanover's breakdown, involving an exploded beaker and a missing frog, Theo's mind wanders through an unsettling maze of relief and confusion. Despite what Jason says, he doesn't feel like a good friend. He doesn't feel like a good anything. He betrayed Jason and he let Alec down, and the worst part of it all is that the entire thing did nothing to rid Theo of his desire for Alec.

"You coming?" Jason asks, already halfway to the kitchen.

"Coming," Theo confirms, following Jason. All it takes is one look at the kitchen counter where he held Alec just that morning for Theo to want to puke.

What the fuck has Theo done?