15. Alec

CHAPTER 15

Alec

Kissing Theo. Alec is kissing Theo.

No matter how many times he reminds himself it's actually happening, it doesn't feel any less like a dream. For all the years of fantasies, the real thing is still infinitely better than he ever imagined. Theo's lips are soft and gentle and he tastes like coffee. It's a goddamn miracle Alec hasn't simply passed out from pleasure. This might be the only time Alec ever gets to kiss Theo, to touch him, and he isn't going to waste a single moment.

Deepening the kiss, he hitches his right leg up, all but trying to climb Theo like a goddamn tree. It has the desired effect, because Theo's massive left hand skims down Alec's back and over his ass. Technically the sweater is blocking the skin-on-skin contact, but it's still Theo's hand on Alec's ass while his tongue teases along Alec's mouth. It might just be the single greatest moment of his life. Alec is nearly delirious with the sensory overload of Theo's fucking huge chest and big hands.

"Alec," Theo whispers.

There's a choked-off moan that Alec is pretty sure came from himself, but considering the circumstances, he feels like it's justified. Kissing Theo is a revelation and every time Theo tries to gentle the kiss, Alec demands more, plunging his tongue into Theo's mouth and kissing him for all he's worth, until Theo spins them around and lifts Alec up in a single movement so his legs hang off the kitchen island, bringing him eye-to-eye with Theo.

"Hi," Alec grins.

"Hi," Theo replies, almost bashfully. There's a flush to his cheeks, and the fact that Alec was the one to put it there is going to ruin him forever.

"So, uh, was that a yes?"

"Oh sorry, was the tongue down your throat not obvious enough? I'd be happy to stick my tongue somewhere else, just so we're entirely clear."

The tips of Theo's ears go bright red and Alec can't help but cackle. He might be the virgin, but he isn't a blushing one. He swings both of his legs out, hooking them around Theo's waist to get him as close as possible.

"Wait." Theo's face scrunches in confusion. "Weren't you chewing gum?"

"Uh-huh." Alec's smirk widens. "I swallow."

"Jesus Christ, Alec."

"Yo no soy Jesús," Alec deadpans.

"I know you're teasing me, but you sound really sexy when you speak Spanish."

"Oh, Theodore, I always sound sexy." Alec tightens his legs around Theo so his erection comes into contact with Theo's belly, leaving Theo with no question about how Alec currently feels. There are so many things Alec can't say, but maybe just this once he can let his body do the talking. "?Cómo te gusta coger?"

"That's about sex right?" Theo grunts, his eyes firmly on Alec's lap. "My Spanish is not nearly as good as yours."

"Sí." Alec leans forward, delighting in having Theo's mouth at the same level as his own. "I said I want you to show me how you fuck—more or less. It definitely sounds sexier in spanish."

The blush on Theo's cheeks darkens. "Are you always in such a hurry?"

"Hurry?" Alec barks. "I'm twenty-one. There is no hurry about it. Chop-chop, mister. I expect the fucking of my life or else I'll demand a do-over."

"Will you?" Theo laughs, a pretty flush spreading down his neck.

Maybe Alec should be overthinking things now. Maybe he should be more upset about the fact that Theo thinks Alec doesn't have feelings for him, and made sure Alec knew this is a friends with benefits arrangement, which is definitely not Alec's thing. Or maybe a one time fuck arrangement. He probably should've clarified since neither of those are Alec's things. But what is Alec's thing, is Theo.

Sure, when this is done his heart will be broken beyond repair, but that's Alec's choice to make.

You deserve a special first time. That's what Theo said. Who better to make that special than the love of Alec's entire goddamn life? Even if he has no idea. Even if he won't return the feelings. Even if all he wants from Alec is the same thing everyone else has always wanted from him—sex. The love in his heart has hurt for so long, maybe for once he can let it out. Maybe then it won't hurt so badly.

"Any hard nos?" Theo asks, settling his hands on the side of Alec's hips.

Alec shakes his head.

"I guess if you haven't done a lot you might not know, but if there is anything you think you might be uncomfortable with or you realize partly through that you are, you can tell me. I know how much you like to run that mouth of yours."

"You like my mouth," Alec smirks, letting his legs swing on either side of Theo.

"Don't tell Jason, but yes."

Alec's smile threatens to split his face in two, and he's surprised Theo isn't calling bullshit on his pathetic lie. He has no idea how Theo doesn't look at him and immediately know he's in love with him. It's a blessing and a curse that Theo's got the world's biggest blinders on when it comes to Alec.

"I'm serious though, if you're uncomfortable with anything or?—"

"You can do anything to me."

"Don't tell men that," Theo hisses. "Men are the worst."

"Well, yes, they are. But I'm not telling random men, I'm telling you."

"Well, don't tell me that. What if I take advantage of you?"

"I would say please and thank you." Alec leans back on the kitchen island, lifting his leg so his heel presses into Theo's ass. He still can't believe he's doing this, that he's actually talking about sex with Theo.

"What the hell am I going to do with you?" Theo groans.

"Ideally fuck me, unless you changed your mind. Do you need a nap?"

"Cheeky asshole." Theo runs one of his big hands from Alec's knee up his thigh so his bare fingers sit on Alec's bare hip. His fingers curl around flesh, holding on tight as if Alec might leave, as if anything in the world could drag him away from this moment.

"So, fucking? You said sex and honestly all I'm hearing is a lot of talking."

"That's because you never stop talking." Theo half laughs, saying it in a way that has Alec's insides filling with butterflies. "I was trying to ask you something but you keep distracting me."

"My bad." Alec tries to make his expression neutral while he drops his leg from Theo's ass and sits up very straight. "Alright then, Theodore. Out with this important question."

Theo's smile falters. "How much have you done?"

"Is this like a job interview? Because I gotta be honest, I wasn't prepared to list all of my past partners to acquire this loss of virginity."

"Alec, I'm serious."

"Me too. Who fucking cares?" Alec grumbles, unsure why he's suddenly self-conscious.. He's the first one to point out that virginity is a social construct, but it's also one he's been forced to live under, especially playing college sports at his level. The endless expectations are exhausting and the few times he braved trying to go on a date, it always ended up in disaster. Well, it'd probably also gone horribly because Alec mentally compared every man he met to Theo, but the way his dates assumed Alec would want to fuck on the first date also ruined things.

"I care."

"Why? If I was slutting around, would you change your mind?"

Theo's head tips forward and he groans loudly. "You can be so difficult, you know that?"

"Yes, I get told that often, thank you." Alec crosses his arms, unsure how things turned so quickly. This is his fault. This is why he's a virgin. His standards are too high and his mouth is too big and he fucks things up. People are fucking weird about sex and Alec's exhausted by it.

Taking two deep breaths, Theo lifts his gaze to meet Alec's. "I'm not going to judge you."

"Everyone says that and no one means it."

"I mean it, Alexander."

Alec worries his bottom lip between his teeth before tugging his necklace out from beneath the collar of Theo's sweater. He twists the pendant in his fingers, the light catching on it. For the first time Theo realizes what it is—a peso.

"I've never seen you wear that before. Before last night, I mean."

"Abuelita gave it to me before she died. It was one of the only things she brought with her when she came here. Me, Jason, Andrew and Charlie all got one. She said you could go anywhere with a peso and a dream." Alec smiles and Theo is reminded of how close Alec was with her. "I took it with me when I went to Mexico with Antonio, and it felt like bringing a piece of her back home, you know? She never got to go back after she got married. Anyway, there was this jeweler down there and he made it into this. Last night was the first time I wore it."

"Taking that peso and a dream for a test run," Theo teases, giving Alec's hip a gentle squeeze.

"If you're implying I used my dead abuela's good luck charm to lose my virginity you would be wrong." Alec snorts, unwilling to admit the real reason he'd worn it last night, or the dream he hadn't been willing to let go of just yet.

"Can I kiss you, Alec?"

The question takes Alec by surprise. "I already told you that you can stick your dick in me, so I'm pretty sure that makes me a sure thing for kisses."

"There's no such thing as a sure thing," Theo says softly, leaning forward. His hair is longer than it's been in recent memory, dark blond locks hanging over his eyes and his glasses a little crooked from their kiss.

"There is with me," Alec assures him, straightening Theo's glasses.

"I'm not going to assume," Theo says, the corner of his mouth turning up when Alec tucks some of the hair behind his ear. For this being nothing more than sex, it feels more intimate than anything Alec's ever experienced. Or maybe sex is always like this. How would Alec know? "I don't want to hurt you."

It hurts right now, Alec wants to whisper. He wouldn't cry. He'd be so much quieter than he's ever been before, but Theo would still hear him, which is why he doesn't say it. Why he can't ever say it. The last time he let Theo know how he really felt, he'd lost him, and he can't risk that happening again.

"You can kiss me," Alec says, realizing Theo isn't going to until he says something.

"Thank you." Theo leans forward, his hair tickling Alec's forehead and his glasses pressing into Alec's nose before he seals their lips together. Where Alec's kiss was demanding and needy, Theo's is as steady as Alec expects. He deepens the kiss, tongue sliding into Alec's mouth while his hand slips around the back of his head.

"Yes," Alec whimpers.

"I didn't ask you anything," Theo murmurs against his lips.

"Preemptively yes," Alec groans, wrapping his legs around Theo's back in a wordless request for more.

Never one to be rushed, Theo scratches his nails down the back of Alec's head before letting his palm rest at the back of Alec's neck in a soothing touch, almost as if he can sense Alec ready to jump out of his own skin.

Any hopes he had of playing it off are long gone. There is nothing cool or collected about Alec. He's a bundle of nerves and desires all honed in on Theo and his gloriously large hands and sweet mouth. When Theo's other hand skims down Alec's back to rest at the base of his spine, Alec damn near scoots all the way off the counter while tightening his legs around Theo's waist.

"I think—" Theo tries.

"Less thinking, more kissing," Alec demands, slamming his lips against Theo's. Every atom of his body and brain is screaming to touch Theo, to take as much as he's allowed. He wants to memorize every inch of Theo, because soon this is going to be taken away. All he's going to be left with is the phantom of Theo's touch and the memory of how he tastes.

"Come on." Alec wraps his arms around Theo's neck and shimmies himself off the kitchen island. Alec has never been a man with much patience, but he doesn't have an ounce of it right now. Thankfully Alec doesn't have to beg too much. Theo's hands move down to Alec's ass to hold him steady, his thick, warm fingers on his bare ass.

Being drunk might've been one of the stupidest things Alec ever did, but deciding to sleep pantless was one of his best because it means when Theo adjusts his grip, two of his fingers slip in between Alec's ass cheeks and no one, no one , has ever touched him there.

"Please."

Theo's grip tightens. "Please what, Alexander?"

"You're really gonna make me say it?" Alec whines.

"I want to hear you tell me what you want, what you're ready for. This isn't going to be an accident or something that happened because you got swept away. I don't want it to be something you'll regret later. If this is going to happen, then it's going to be your choice."

There isn't a single thing Alec could regret with Theo and he tangles his right hand in Theo's hair to remind himself this is real. This isn't a dream and Theo isn't going anywhere. Even knowing that, his next words come out sharp, revealing the edge of defensiveness he's had to build around himself to survive hyper-masculine sports culture as a gay guy who doesn't like casual sex.

"You want me to tell you I've never done anything even close to this? That the most I've ever done is some making out and a few one-sided blow jobs in high school, because a guy blowing half the varsity team was only gay to them if they reciprocated? That I stopped doing anything at all because I got tired of being used? That I gave up wanting anything because wanting to be kissed and touched meant guys called me a tease every time and I had boundaries? You want to know that I got tired of guys saying they were cool with me not wanting sex, only to get mad at me when they got hard from kissing and I wasn't comfortable with more? You want to know that I got tired of being too much and not enough for everyone, so I stopped doing anything?"

"Alec."

Now that he's started he can't stop.

"You wanna know how the only people in my life I trust to touch me besides my family, are my two best friends because I know they're not gonna call me names for how much I like to be held? They would never…they wouldn't push me." It's clear Theo wants to interrupt, wants to ask who has tried to push, but Alec is grateful he doesn't, because that's not a story he wants to relive. Not right now.

"I never wanted sex with some random guy or with someone I didn't trust." Alec loosens his grip on Theo's hair to smooth it back as his voice drops, the fight gone. Theo is still here. He hasn't pushed him away. Maybe it's okay to be honest. Or as honest as Alec can be right now. "Do you wanna know that no one else has ever had their hand where yours is right now? That I've had a few shitty handjobs and that's it. No one else has ever had their mouth on me, has ever been inside of me. But you…you could. I'd let you."

"What do you want?" Theo asks, nudging his nose against Alec's cheek before kissing the corner of his mouth.

Alec groans. "I just told you."

"You told me a lot, and I appreciate you trusting me. You told me what you haven't done, but I still don't know what you're ready for right now."

"Sex," Alec blurts, pretty sure that was obvious.

"I did pick up on that." Theo grins, the sweet timbre of his voice going straight to Alec's cock. There's something different about Theo right now. He's a little more confident than Alec is used to and boy, does he like it. Not that blushing, awkward Theo isn't great, because he is, but steady and calm Theo is amazing. Especially since Alec kind of feels like crawling out of his skin.

"Oh good, I was ready to spell it out for you otherwise. Take a Sharpie and just write those three letters on my forehead."

"That would be one way to get attention."

Alec shifts, unwilling to point out the only person he's ever wanted that kind of attention from is Theo.

"Someone's hard," Theo whispers, dropping his gaze to Alec's dick, which is currently pressed into Theo's stomach.

"Did you just notice?" Alec quips. "Maybe you need a picture of my cock on my forehead too? Or a diagram. I can make you a chart."

"You're such a little shit." Theo laughs, silencing Alec with a kiss that has him trying to mold himself around Theo's body, his cock so hard he's pretty sure he's going to come the second Theo touches him.

"Mmm, talk dirty to me."

"Smartass." Theo kisses Alec again. This time is deeper, the promise of more making Alec's toes curl with pleasure.

"Speaking of my ass," Alec says a bit breathlessly when Theo breaks the kiss, "you're welcome to it."

"You have a mouth on you."

Alec smirks. "You know how to shut it up."

Theo crushes their mouths together, this kiss messier and more demanding than the ones before. Alec isn't under any delusions that it's because he's something special. He knows Theo enjoys sex and has had a lot of it. Yet Alec lets himself pretend that Theo deepens the kiss because it's Alec, lets himself pretend this means something it doesn't. Closing his eyes, Alec gives in to the feelings, rolling his hips and imagining that the way Theo's fingers dig into his ass are because he's desperate for Alec and Alec alone.

"Tell me," Theo demands between kisses. The ground shifts as Theo takes one step towards the bedroom, then another. The hand at the back of Alec's neck lowers to his ass, a change Alec isn't mad about at all, his entire body aching with anticipation. "You want my mouth, my hands, my cock?"

"Yes," Alec whimpers. "Yes, yes, yes."

"Which one, Alexander?"

"You're seriously going to test my powers of executive functioning now?" Alec exhales. "Get me to the bedroom and make me come, Theodore. I don't fucking care how."

"Bossy." Before Alec can question if that was too much, Theo's smile turns a little dirty. "I like it."

Heat pools in Alec's gut, arousal making him ache. If Theo wants bossy, he can give him bossy. "Come on, Theodore. Are you gonna take me to your bed and show me how it's done? You promised." He rocks his hips in a way that makes his cock drag against Theo's sweater, causing Theo to tighten his grip on Alec's ass. Feeling Theo's control waver is heady and it raises Alec confidence despite his inexperience. "No one has ever tasted me, Theo. No one has ever got their mouth on my cock or my ass. It's all for you. You'll be the first one. Anyone else I ever fuck will always be compared to you."

These words are risky. There's a line he has to toe to make sure he doesn't accidentally let on exactly how true his words are. Alec's always been a boundary pusher and this is no different. He wants Theo, needs him. He wants to see Theo want him back.

It doesn't matter if Alec can't imagine ever wanting anyone else to share this intimacy with him, or if that last bit was a lie meant to goad Theo into action. Wrapped in dirty talk, he can almost say the truth. "Are you gonna teach me how to fuck, Theodore? You going to show me how good it can feel to have a cock in me?"

"That mouth is gonna get you in trouble one day, Alec."

"Mm, trouble. One of my favorite words. You got some trouble for me, Theo?"

"I've got something for you," Theo says, massaging Alec's ass as he walks them down the hallway.

Afraid of saying too much, Alec settles on kissing Theo again, relishing in the way Theo lets him take what he wants. Desperate as Alec is for the fucking part, he can't deny how much he likes this, too. Alec has always loved kissing, always loved the slide of lips and shared breath. Most of all, he loves being so close to someone else you can literally taste them, swallow their gasps and moans or dip into their mouth with his tongue. Kissing is good in all forms, but his favorite is like it is now, a little desperate and needy, a little wet as Alec all but devours Theo.

Anything like this is top tier for Alec, whose brain quiets whenever his mouth is full. It settles something in him to be nipping and licking and sucking at the man of his dreams.

"Breathe, Alec."

The reminder is pointless. Alec can't breathe, can't stop, because this thing between them has an expiration date and he isn't ready to face that.

"Look at me," Theo instructs, the simple demand bypassing Alec's defenses. He complies, pulling out of the kiss and struggling to catch his breath. "You don't have to rush this. I'm not going anywhere."

Yes you are , Alec thinks pathetically.

"We can take this slow."

"Fuck slow."

Theo smiles sweetly, kissing the tip of Alec's nose before lowering him to the bed. If he thinks Alec is going to let go, he's got another thing coming because Alec holds on for dear life until Theo topples over him, crushing Alec into the mattress with his bulk.

"Shit, sorry."

"I'm not." Alec laughs, damn near delirious with arousal and endorphins. He knew Theo was huge, but he had no idea how good it would feel to have all of him on top of Alec. "You can crush me any time. Ten out of ten."

"Good to know." Theo chuckles. "Except I can't exactly get naked if you don't let go."

"Naked, you say?" Alec releases his koala hold on Theo, sprawling out on the bed instead. "Have at it. Let's see the goods, big boy."

Theo braces his hands on either side of Alec's head, staring down at where Theo's sweater has ridden up so most of his body is now on display. He pauses, skimming his fingertips over Alec's stomach to trace down along the sharp cup of muscle where hip meets thigh. His tongue darts out, something darkening in his eyes.

"I don't look like you. Fair warning."

An ache pierces Alec's chest. The idea that Theo would compare himself to Alec is ridiculous, only apparently it's not, because he is.

"If I wanted to have sex with myself I'd use my two hands and a mirror, Theodore."

"That's a nice mental image," Theo huffs out, the ghost of a smile on his lips. Alec would do anything to make this man smile.

"You're welcome for that. Full permission to jerk off to me any time you want." Alec grins, his heart racing. "You gonna give me a pretty mental image, too?"

"Is that what you want?"

What Alec wants is to brand himself with Theo's release. He wants Theo so deep inside of him he can feel it long after Theo walks away. He wants to memorize every inch of Theo and lock it away so when this is over, he can close his eyes and remember it wasn't a dream.

"You know what I want," Alec answers.

Theo's chest visibly shudders with the force of his exhale before he rises onto his knees, sitting over Alec's thighs. Slowly he tugs the sweater off, revealing miles of pale skin. He's right. Theo's body is nothing like Alec's. Where Alec is compact and lithe, muscled from sports but small in build, everything about Theo is big, from his strong arms to his jiggling pecs and his soft tummy. He wasn't wrong when he said his body isn't like Alec's, but what Theo fails to realize, what he never realizes, is that Alec loves everything about him. He loves the thickness of Theo's body, loves the quiet strength with the hint of softness in all the best places.

Everything about Theo is sturdy and safe. Alec gives into temptation and plants his hands on Theo's pecs, giving them a squeeze.

"What are you doing?" Theo asks.

"Appreciating the goods." Alec's smile turns playful, his apprehension receding. Whatever darker thoughts and worries that hover at the edge of his mind are something for future Alec to deal with. It doesn't matter that this is only going to be once, that it's going to break him beyond repair. All that matters is the here and now. Just this once, Alec wants to live in this moment. He's going to appreciate every second that Theo is giving him.

"Are you now?" Theo says. "I thought this was me teaching you?"

"You might be teaching me how to fuck, but I know how to appreciate a good-looking man."

"You said that once before, and I wasn't sure if you were serious or?—"

"I don't say things I don't mean, Theodore." Alec rubs his thumbs over Theo's nipples, watching as the nubs harden. He wants to suck on them so badly.

Some of that longing must show on his face because Theo pushes the hair off Alec's head before asking, "What do you want?"

Telling Theo he wants his cock was easier than this and Alec has no idea why. Maybe because the one time he'd let on to another guy how much he liked to kiss and suck, he'd taken that as an assumption that the boundaries they'd agreed on no longer applied. Maybe because in some ways, this seems more intimate to Alec than taking a cock up his ass. He's not sure if that makes any sense and he isn't about to say it out loud, but it's true regardless.

"You told me I could do whatever I wanted to you before, but I didn't tell you the same." Alec starts to yank his hands back, but Theo grabs his wrists, pulling them back. "I should have. I asked you to be clear and I wasn't, so here's me being clear. You can touch whatever you want, do whatever you want. f you're not sure, you can ask, but I don't have any hard limits, at least not that I've found out yet, so I doubt you're gonna find something I'd say no to and?—"

"I want to suck on you," Alec blurts, squeezing his eyes shut.

When Theo doesn't immediately reply, Alec hears his heart pounding loudly in his ears.

"Hey, look at me, Alexander." His knuckles graze over Alec's knuckles. "Please."

The please breaks through the walls Alec is trying to put up to protect himself, and though everything in him is screaming to burrow inside of Theo's sweater and hide, he resists, forcing his eyes open and locking his gaze on Theo. Alec waits for the annoyance or pity or whatever else he expects, but the only thing he sees on Theo's face is the same kind of gentle understanding he's always had. It's so easy to remember why Alec always trusted Theo, why he was the one Alec wanted when something was wrong when he was younger. Theo never judges or yells. He's patient and calm even in the face of Alec's intensity and it soothes the part of Alec that has always, always been too much for most people.

"You can," Theo whispers. "If you want. You don't have to tell me what's going on in that head of yours, but you can do that, too."

"Fuck you, Theodore." Theo blinks, looking blindsided before Alec continues. "How the fuck do you do this to me?"

"Do what?"

Alec can't answer that question, but he can answer the other one.

"There was a guy...last year." Alec grabs the pillow from behind him, pulling it over his face so only his mouth is visible, because if he actually looks at Theo while having to say this out loud, he's not going to get it out. "We had a few classes together so I knew him. Or I thought I did. Anyway, there was a party and we were dancing and I just wanted to have fun and...and be touched. Not like sex, just, I like physical contact."

Memories rush in, flooding Alec with white-hot shame. It doesn't matter how many times he's told himself it wasn't his fault; it still feels like it was. He should probably get therapy for that, or for the way school is making him feel like the walls are closing in around him, but who the fuck has time for therapy? He's got grades to keep up and practice and?—

"Alec."

"Sorry," Alec mumbles, embarrassed again at his own spiraling. This is why he keeps himself so busy. That way he doesn't have time to be alone with his thoughts.

Here he is with his dream man, about to lose his virginity and he's ruining it. This is what happens when Alec goes off his meds. Every summer he gets a little glimpse of what life might be like if he stayed medicated, then he goes off them to compete and he falls apart.

"You don't need to apologize. Not to me, not ever."

Inhaling deeply, Alec throws his arms over the pillow to pull it down, white spots springing up behind his closed eyes.

"It's stupid. I was lonely or something and so we danced a lot, and he asked if I wanted to go upstairs to one of the empty rooms. I told him I didn't do one night stands, that I didn't want... that ." The memory of the guy's smile still makes Alec's stomach curl. He'd seemed so fucking nice. "It'd been a long few months and I was stressed and it seemed like it would be okay to say yes, that he meant it when he said only kissing was fine. Only the more we kissed, the more this buzzing filled my brain and you know how I am—my mouth thing."

"There's nothing wrong with an oral fixation. There's nothing wrong with you, period.

Alec huffs but doesn't reply. Theo knows more about Alec's behavioral struggles than he would like, both because he was living with them when Alec finally got officially diagnosed in fifth grade, and also because Jason has a big mouth.

Whatever Theo thinks he knows about Alec, it's one thing for him to say those things and another for Alec to live in his own body and brain. Theo isn't the one who got called a beaver by his friends in middle school for chewing off the ends of all his pencils when he had to sit still for too long. He wasn't the one who constantly got yelled at by teachers for being too fidgety and unable to stop talking, constantly singled out like he was choosing to misbehave and not deeply unregulated. Theo wasn't the one who sucked his thumb until he was nine, who has to carry lollipops and gum everywhere he goes, and who needs his mouth full for his brain to be quiet. His medication helps, but it's banned under NCAA rules and while he could get a medical exemption for his diagnosis, he never wanted to. Instead he goes off them every season and just white-knuckles it, dealing with a world built for neurotypicals.

"You don't have to keep going," Theo reminds him.

The offer is appreciated, but Alec knows if he doesn't tell this to Theo now, he won't ever tell him, or anyone else ever again.

"He said he was okay with kissing, just wanted to do it without an audience to give me his full attention. I agreed because kissing is the fucking best, you know, and—" Alec's voice trails off realizing what comes next. "You probably don't wanna know the rest."

"I want to know anything you want to tell me."

Were it anyone else, Alec would assume they were just being polite, but Theo has never lied to Alec before. Even when it hurt, even when he broke Alec's heart. Theo doesn't lie to him and so Alec is going to do one of the hardest things he's ever done, believe him.

"I started, you know, sucking. On his neck and chest and his stomach, it just…felt good. I didn't even really care about the guy, but he seemed safe, which in hindsight was fucking stupid."

"You're not stupid."

Alec makes a derisive noise, realizing he's maybe not as over it as he wants to be. Probably because he's refused to think about it at all.

"He, uh, he got turned on by what we were doing, which is obviously fine. It was an ego boost, and I was turned on too, but it didn't mean I'd changed my mind. He started touching my hair, which I like, but then it got too tight and—" Alec pauses. He's never said any of this out loud. Only one person knows, because he walked in on it, but even then they didn't talk about it. "I tried to pull away, but he started saying I was a cocktease. He said if I wanted to suck, I should be doing it right. I tried to pull away, but he was a lot bigger and he shoved his pants down and—you know."

Memories meld together. That night. Last night when the guy at the club had shouted the same thing at Alec.

"Nothing that happened was your fault, Alexander."

"You pick up mind-reading at some point?"

"Maybe I just know you," Theo replies, giving Alec's hip a squeeze. He must know him, because the contact is exactly what Alec needs. Theo isn't moving away, isn't taking his offer back or calling Alec a mess. He's touching Alec, offering the kind of physical reassurance Alec has trained himself out of needing. "I'm so sorry you had that happen. Did you report it?"

"Fuck, no," Alec says, pressing the pillow over his eyes so tightly it borders on uncomfortable. "It would've messed everything up. The team didn't need that. Anyway, it's fine. It's not a big deal. Riley, that's how we met. It was Riley's frat and he'd gone upstairs to get something for one of his frat brothers and he walked in on that whole thing. He kind of punched the guy in the face and the asshole never talked to me again, so, it's fine. Besides, I got Riley as a friend out of the deal so?—"

"You don't have to try and make light of sexual assault."

"It wasn't sexual assault," Alec hisses. "It was just…some guy being handsy."

"It was assault."

"Well, this is fucking fun. Any wonder I'm still a virgin? I sure know how to ruin a moment."

"You didn't ruin anything. We don't have to do this."

Alec flings the pillow aside, blinking at the spots that dance in front of Theo's pretty face. It takes a second for Alec's vision to clear and he doesn't like what he sees. It looks too close to pity and bile rises in Alec's throat.

"This is why I don't tell people. Why I didn't want to tell you." He jabs his finger in Theo's chest. "Don't you dare look at me with those sad eyes, Theo. Or else."

"Or else what?"

"I don't fucking know."

"Alright," Theo whispers, reaching for Alec's hands. "Maybe we shouldn't have sex."

Alec yanks his hands away, scrambling backwards until his back hits the wall. Theo's still talking, but Alec can't focus on the words as his stupid brain hones in on the rejection. If it were just Theo changing his mind about sex, Alec would be fine. People can stop whenever they want. Consent can always be revoked, but this is different. Alec told Theo something he's never told anyone, now Theo doesn't want to have sex with him anymore, and his brain is freaking the fuck out.

He'd known he was going to lose Theo again; he just didn't realize it was going to be before he even got to have him.