14. Theo

CHAPTER 14

Theo

The thing about being an only child is that you're allowed a fair bit of control. There's no one else to compete with for attention, assuming there's any to get in the first place. There's no one else to move your things or hog the bathroom or leave things lying around. No one to eat all your favorite snacks or change the channel because they want to watch something different. There's no one to steal your stuff or outshine you. There's no one for teachers to look at and compare you to, and no one will ever meet you and say, "oh, you're so and so's sibling."

Everyone always told him he was fortunate to be an only child. "Oh Theo, you're so lucky not to have to share your bedroom, your bathroom, or your dad with anyone." Except going home to a quiet house didn't feel so lucky when the silence was oppressive. When his dad was either working or blowing off steam from working so much, Theo was always home alone. Shared dinners or someone stealing your food didn't sound so bad to the little boy who ate peanut butter and jelly on a tv tray alone because he didn't know how to cook and there wasn't much food to cook in the first place. Having someone steal the remote didn't sound so bad when you didn't care what you watched because all you wanted was for the silence to stop.

Theo was so lucky, they said, but he never felt that way at home. He felt the luckiest when was with the King family, when they'd invite Theo over for a sleepover or a family picnic. When Charlie would steal his cookie and Jason would take off after him, nearly knocking the house down because his brother had dared to pilfer from his best friend. Theo never told Jason he liked it. He never told anyone that having his cookie stolen made it feel like he was one of them.

Sometimes when he closed his eyes and listened to Jason and the twins fighting, while Alec tried to join in with no idea what was going on, Theo would pretend he was one of them. At least until he went home to an empty house with darkened rooms, and then he remembered he wasn't one of them. Sure, he was important to Jason. He was his best friend and that meant something to Theo, but it changed nothing at home. As much as Theo loved Jason and his family, at the end of the day, Theo wasn't a King.

No matter how many family dinners and sleepovers he got invited to, he was still the only child of a single parent who wasn't there when Theo needed him. As a kid, Theo had hated his dad as much as he loved him. Alone in his room he would close his eyes and think that maybe if he could be the smartest or the strongest kid, maybe his dad would have more attention and love for him. By the time he was a teenager, he'd stopped crying. He'd grown up and while his childhood stung, he kind of understood, in the shittiest way possible, why his dad was the way he was. Theo's mom and dad were so young when they had him and then his mom had taken off with the rent money when Theo was six weeks old and never came back. Theo had no idea what her face looked like or the sound of her voice, but he understood what the shape of the hole she'd left in his dad felt like.

His dad was sixteen from a broken home of his own when Theo came into the world. He hadn't been good at emotions or bedtime stories, but he didn't leave. He did the best he could, even when his best wasn't really good enough. He put food on the table and worked dead-end jobs without a high school diploma to make sure the rent was paid and Theo had what he needed for school and football. Growing up, Theo saw firsthand that love could break people, that wanting to do the right thing wasn't always good enough and it absolutely terrified him. There's a very specific kind of trauma that comes from knowing that one of the people meant to love you forever walked away from you. A kind of trauma that makes it hard to imagine anyone else might love you, might decide to stay.

As far as Theo is concerned, love isn't beautiful, it's terrifying.

His dad had loved his mom and she'd broken his heart. His dad had loved him and Theo still had a difficult childhood. The only reason Theo knows he loves Jason is because Jason told him first when they were seventeen and drunk. Theo had started to cry because he'd been scared to lose his best friend after realizing his own bisexuality. It wasn't something he'd needed to worry about, though, because Jason had pulled him into a bear hug and told him he loved him and that was that. Jason hasn't said it again, probably because he knows Theo would run away if he tried, but he doesn't need to say it for it to be true. Jason is solid and steady as an oak tree and the closest thing to a brother that Theo will ever have. In every way that matters, he is Theo's family and nothing in the world can change that. At least he didn't think so, before tonight.

Tonight Theo has Alec in his bed, naked aside from Theo's sweater. He has Alec wrapped around his body while he holds him close. He has Alec asking to know what sex is like, giving Theo thoughts about what it might be like to teach him, and Theo has never been so terrified of his own feelings in his entire life.

Every laugh Alec pulls from him, every longing look and hopeful smile, makes Theo want things he has never wanted before. Equally as scary, is the growing suspicion he might want them with Alec. Heart in his throat, Theo squeezes Alec so tight he's afraid he might wake him. Thankfully he doesn't stir, leaving Theo free to hold him close. Theo lets his hand smooth over Alec's hair, willing his own body to relax.

Theo has no idea what's happening between them or what tomorrow will bring. The only thing he knows for sure, is that under no circumstances can he fall in love with Alexander King.

Alec has freckles on his ass.

On some level Theo knew he had freckles everywhere. They cascade across his face and down his neck. There are smatterings of them on his ribs, down his hips, and a dark cluster at the base of his spine. There are even some on his calves and the insides of his ankles. Yet none of the freckles affect Theo as much as the ones on his ass. Or maybe it's just that Alec's ass is out at all.

At some point in the night Alec shifted, kicking off the blankets and curling into a ball so that Theo's sweater is rucked up his back, leaving his entire naked ass turned toward Theo. It's a testament to the hours of training he does; his ass is muscular and pert and very, very round. It is also covered in freckles. Not one or two, but too many to count, a constellation of freckles on one perfect ass.

If he reached out, Theo could lay one of his hands on each cheek and freckles would still show where ass meets thigh, twisting up between his cheeks. Theo has always been an ass man. That first day he'd accidentally checked Alec out, it'd been over his perfect ass. Weeks of trying to forget that moment has apparently led him here to having Alec nearly naked in his bed, that beautifully plush, firm ass on full display.

Not even a racing mind or the fear of being caught can diminish Theo's morning wood, so he rolls away from Alec and out of bed, sneaking into the bathroom. This is his own damn house but he feels like a stranger, a stranger in his own body. Theo can't even remember the last time he woke up hard. Apparently, having Alec in his bed is enough motivation for his cock to pay attention.

Refusing to jerk off to his best friend's baby brother who is currently wearing nothing but his favorite sweater while passed out in his bed, Theo undresses and takes the world's fastest, coldest shower. He considers it his due punishment for lusting after Alec. When he gets out, he wastes no time towel drying his hair roughly before doing the same to the rest of the body. He wraps the towel around his waist, retrieving his glasses off the counter before heading back into the bedroom. He spends an embarrassingly long time looking at Alec, who, in Theo's absence, has starfished on his belly, managing to take up nearly the entire king size bed. The sweater is still tangled up at his chest, his entire bottom half on display.

Rio meows from her position beside Alec's head, as if demanding to know why Theo is daring to stare at her human. Because really, that's what Alec is. While Rio doesn't seem to mind Theo, she clearly adores Alec and for that reason alone, he knows he can't ever get rid of her. There is nothing temporary about Rio, even if there has to be about his feelings for Alec.

"I'm not doing anything," Theo tells her.

Talking to his cat might be the first sign he could be losing his mind. Or maybe that happened when he developed a crush on Alec.

Sexually unsatisfied, exhausted, and riddled with guilt, Theo dresses. It doesn't seem like Alec is going to move any time soon but he still tries to be as quiet as he can, pulling out boxers and pants from his drawers before choosing his second favorite sweater from the closet. Breathing a sigh of relief when the familiar weight settles over his body. Alec's wearing Theo's favorite sweater in the entire world, and he absolutely does not want to think about what made him pick that one last night. He has a closet full of sweaters, many he never wears. There was no reason for him to go directly for his favorite and pull it over Alec's naked body.

Thinking about Alec being naked beneath his sweater makes Theo's cock chub up again. He sighs heavily, refusing to touch himself like this.

Hoping a little distance might clear his head, he sneaks out of the bedroom and makes his way to the kitchen. He's pleased when Rio follows suit a minute later, heading directly to her food bowl and acting like she hasn't been fed in a year. Theo makes sure to refill her food and water before he sets about making coffee, brewing coffee strong enough to wake the dead, which is about what he feels like.

All night Alec slumbered beside him, alternating between clinging to Theo like an octopus or stealing all the blankets and cocooning himself up like some kind of hibernating bear. Unused to sleeping with anyone and acutely aware of Alec's near nakedness, Theo had spent the majority of the night awake and staring at the ceiling.

When the coffee pot beeps he nearly jumps out of his skin, pouring himself a huge cup without even bothering with cream or sugar today. It's kind of disgusting, but the part of Theo's brain that feels like he's done something wrong, that feels like he doesn't deserve something sweet or comforting, is too loud to ignore. He spends the next twenty minutes leaning against the kitchen counter, forcing down the bitter coffee.

He doesn't bother with a second cup, leaving his mug next to the half-full pot before puttering around the kitchen. There's not much to clean up since Theo is pretty tidy, but a sparkling kitchen always makes Theo feel more in control. He discards the few pieces of old mail left on the kitchen island, loads the dishwasher and wipes down the counters, frowning when the clock has only moved twelve minutes. He remembers being a kid, puttering around the house while his dad slept the day away after overnight shifts at the liquor store. He'd always needed to be so quiet then, picking up the house so his dad wouldn't have to when he woke up later.

It's strange how easily the comfort of a quiet home can become oppressive, how sometimes the stillness reminds Theo of his own loneliness. Perhaps that's why he loved the King house so much. It was never still, never quiet. With two parents and four boys and at one point their abuela, the house had been as full of people as it was love.

Theo doesn't want to be alone right now, but he can't call Jason. Not now. What would he say? "Hey, I miss you, but don't come over. Your brother is passed out in my bed, and no, I didn't fuck him, but I'm thinking about offering, which has me torn up inside and feeling like I'm on the edge of a cliff." Or maybe, "Hey, you wanna talk me down from this mental spiral I've got myself into, knowing the thing I'm going to do could jeopardize my friendship with you, but for some reason I can't stop myself?" Neither of those things would go over well.

What's a man supposed to do when he needs his best friend to help him through one of the most confusing moments of his life, but that best friend is the one person in the world who can't ever know what's going on in Theo's messed-up head. Unable to pull himself together, Theo ends up in the living room rewatching a documentary about the tundra he's seen half a dozen times when Alec walks by with his head down and his hands over his face.

"Why are you awake?"

"You don't see me," Alec mumbles.

"I definitely see you." Theo laughs, rolling over to watch as Alec's bare feet pad across his living room. The sweater hits just at the top of his thighs, material hanging loose as he walks past Theo and towards the kitchen. "Where are you going?"

"Where the coffee is," Alec answers.

Theo jumps off the couch and follows Alec into the kitchen. "I can make a fresh pot. This one has been sitting for a while."

Alec scrunches his nose, breathing deeply before shaking his head from side to side, which Theo can only assume means don't bother. A second later he reaches for Theo's mug from earlier and fills it to the brim, apparently not caring that it wasn't clean. Not that Theo can blame him, he looks like death warmed over.

"Can I have?—"

"Sugar," Theo finishes, leaning over him to pull the sugar out of the pantry. If his chest happens to press against Alec's back for a few seconds longer than necessary, no one needs to know.

"And—"

"Creamer," Theo says, grabbing it from the fridge and passing it to Alec. He forces himself to take a few steps backward as he keeps his eyes on Alec, noticing he uses less of both than last time. Alec lifts the coffee, muttering under his breath before he sips it. He stands like that, shoulders hunched while he gulps down the entire mug of coffee, immediately making a second. Only then does he turn around, a smile in place.

"Morning, Theodore."

"Why are you smiling?"

"Would you prefer I flip you off?" Alec asks, moving to the kitchen island and half slumping over it. The act brings the hem of the sweater up so the bottom of Alec's ass peeks out, a few freckles making a rather cheeky appearance. Theo nearly bites off the end of his tongue before hurrying around to the other side of the kitchen island, pretty sure he can't be trusted with that in his line of sight.

"Uh, no, I like your smile. It's just that you know, you had a lot to drink last night."

"Wow, did I?" Alec hums, his words not at all matching up with his body language.

"Do you remember last night?"

Alec clears his throat. "Coffee is fantastic."

"The coffee has been sitting for an hour," Theo points out, refusing to be sidetracked.

"I was being a polite house guest, Theodore. Here, let's practice. I'm going to tell you that your bed was exceptionally comfortable, and you'll thank me."

"Alec."

"Your bed was comfortable, Theo," he repeats.

It would be so easy to pretend nothing happened. Too easy. Theo can't even if he should, even if Alec clearly wants to. He can't explain why when it's not the smart, safe choice, but something tells him it's the right one and he's determined to do right by Alec. "I think we should talk about last night."

"I think I should walk into the ocean."

"Glad to see that not even a hangover can dull your dramatics."

Alec flips him off, the faintest hint of a smile playing at his lips as slumps the rest of the way over the kitchen island so his forehead hits the counter. When he speaks the words are garbled, but Theo manages to understand them all the same. "I'm dying, Theodore. Take pity on me. It's a lot of work to be agreeable all the time."

The confession takes Theo by surprise. He'd never considered that Alec being Alec didn't come naturally. "Alec."

"If this is about your sweater, I promise to return it. In fact, you can have it right now if you want." He stands up straight, immediately starting to pull off the sweater, leaving Theo with the mental image of a completely naked Alec standing in the middle of his kitchen, bathed in the soft light of morning.

"Keep it on," Theo croaks, moving close enough to tug on the bottom of the sweater before Alec can get undressed.

"If you insist." Alec grins, head popping back through the hole. "Glad we had that talk."

"About last night?—"

"Look, I was a drunk idiot, I puked everywhere, stole your bed, and cried in the shower. That cover all of it?"

"You're not an idiot, Alec, and that's not?—"

"Please, we don't need to talk about the rest." Alec's fingers clench around his coffee mug. "If this is about the guys at the club, don't give it a second thought. Sure, the guys were dicks, but it's nothing new. I'm used to it."

Theo's thought's take a detour, slamming into a wall of absolute fury. "What does that mean?"

"Nothing." Alec clacks his teeth together while his fingers tap on the edge of his coffee mug.

"Bullshit." Theo closes the distance, lifting Alec's chin so his eyes meet Theo's.

"Look, I like being touched, it's not the first time someone's accused me of being a tease because of it, alright? It's fine. Can we please not talk about it?"

Theo hates the idea that anyone has ever made Alec feel bad about his desire for tactile affection. He wants to erase the memory of anyone who ever made Alec feel uncomfortable or bad about what he wanted or didn't want. "There's nothing wrong with you, Alec. Don't ever let anyone make you think otherwise."

The sound Alec makes is hard to read. Eager to reassure him, Theo lets his fingers skim lightly over the side of Alec's cheek. When Alec doesn't move away he continues the exploration, letting thumb skim over Alec's jaw. While it's only the most fleeting of touches, Alec's entire body trembles. "This okay?"

Alec's eyes are locked on the floor, but he nods. It's only when Theo lowers his hand that Alec lifts his eyes to meet Theo's, the confusion in them plain as day. He can't blame him for not knowing what Theo is doing when Theo isn't even sure. All he knows is he doesn't want to ignore this pull to Alec. He just needs to find a way to safely get him out of his system, to make sure he doesn't hurt Alec while trying to get over his crush.

"There was something you said last night."

"Was it about your taste in beer?" Alec tries to laugh, but it's forced. "Or why you refused to dance with me? I'm a really good dancer, you know."

"I know," Theo whispers. "It's not about that."

"You're being weird, Theodore."

"I know."

"Stop saying I know, you're freaking me out." Alec crosses his arms over his chest. Where Alec is normally brash and confident, now he only looks unsure. It makes him look so much younger, so much more vulnerable.

"How is your head?"

"My head?" Alec scoffs. "My head feels like I drank too much last night, so it wants to split open. My head feels like you're being weird, which is confusing and making it hurt more. That's what my head feels like."

Despite the outburst, Theo smiles. He shouldn't but he can't stop. He likes the way Alec pushes buttons and speaks up when things are weird. He likes that Alec is always more than everyone else. He likes it too damn much.

"Why are you smiling at me?" Alec asks, narrowing his eyes. "Did you drink too much last night?"

"You're cute."

"I'm—of course I'm cute," Alec huffs. "I've always been cute. You're just blind as a bat, not just because of your glasses, but because?—"

"I want to help you with your virginity."

Alec's mouth falls open, his arms wrapping tighter around himself while he stares at Theo like he's lost his mind. Theo can't blame him. Being this blunt isn't like him, and neither is offering to fuck Alec. Or maybe it is like Theo and he's just never had the guts to say what he wanted. "You said last night you were tired of being a virgin," Theo reminds him, his need to over-explain making him run his mouth. "And you didn't mind when I touched you right now, and I thought maybe…maybe I could help."

Theo's never seen Alec so still and it unnerves him. There's something that looks dangerously close to panic in his eyes, and Theo feels an echo of it clawing up his spine. He knows he can't have Alec for real, knows this can't ever be a relationship because Alec is over his little teenage crush, not to mention Theo doesn't do relationships, but he didn't expect Alec to react like this. He thought Alec would either happily agree or flip him off and assume it was a joke.

"Say something, please."

"I don't think anyone has ever asked me to talk. Usually they're telling me to shut up or talk quieter."

The words are like ripping off a bandaid, painful and swift, as Theo recalls a younger Alec always running and laughing. How often had someone told him to be less? How often had he smiled in the face of those kinds of requests in order to make everyone think it didn't bother him? Theo is beginning to understand how much he doesn't know about Alec. The scary thing is that doesn't put Theo off or make him want to walk away. Instead, it makes him want Alec more.

"I'll never tell you to be quiet, Alexander."

Alec doesn't say anything, but his knuckles are turning white where they're digging into his forearms and the clench of his jaw is visible. Theo turns and yanks open the snack drawer under his coffee pot, shoving aside protein bars and honey sticks until he finds what he's looking for. He curls his fingers around it before turning to pass it to Alec.

"Thanks," Alec whispers, taking the gum and unwrapping it slowly. He twists the paper wrapper in his fingers while he starts to chew, some of the tension in his shoulders dropping. "So you're not like…pranking me are you?"

"I would never do that."

He starts to rip the gum wrapper, his jaw moving a mile a minute as his gaze finally lifts from the floor to Theo. He looks so damn unsure and yet he meets Theo's gaze head-on and Theo is awed by Alec's bravery. For his own part Theo feels mildly nauseous; his heart is racing so fast it's hard to breathe. He's pretty sure this is a horrible idea, but he can't stop it now even if he wanted to.

And he doesn't want to stop it.

"It doesn't have to mean anything serious," Theo offers, knowing all the reasons this can't be more. This is just a way to get over his crush and make sure when Alec does lose his virginity, it's to someone who will treat him right, not a one-off in a seedy bathroom.

"Nothing serious," Alec echoes, his tone unreadable.

"Exactly," Theo agrees. "You said you were tired of being a virgin, but those guys at the club won't treat you right. You deserve more."

"I deserve more," Alec says, chewing the gum so fast his jaw pops.

"You know you do," Theo whispers. "You deserve more than someone who won't remember your name in the morning. More than someone looking for a way to get off, someone who won't care about you or your feelings or whether it's good. Or whether it hurts."

"Are you speaking from experience?" Alec asks carefully.

Theo breathes deeply. This isn't supposed to be about him. He doesn't want it to be. He's made his peace with his own bad choices.

"It doesn't matter."

"Why?" Alec challenges, taking a step closer. "Why does it matter how I fuck and not you?"

"Because," Theo answers quietly.

Alec jabs a finger at Theo's chest, pushing. Always pushing. "Because why, Theodore?"

"Because you deserve to have the kind of relationship you want."

"How do you know what I want?" Alec asks, the finger turning into his entire hand. It doesn't poke this time, just rests over Theo's fragile heart.

Because you're beautiful and good and you deserve love. "Isn't that what you want?" Theo counters, unable to answer the way he knows Alec wants him to. "You want love."

"Yeah," Alec whispers. "I want…I want that."

Something in Theo cracks at the confirmation. Alec wants a forever kind of love. He wants the kind of love Theo could never give anyone. Even if Alec weren't in love with someone else, Theo couldn't be Alec's forever. He wasn't made to be anyone's forever. Not even his own parents had wanted him forever. How could anyone else?

"I'm not…I'm not the guy who can give you those things." All Theo wants is to give Alec the kind of memory that lasts, a first time that's special. A first time where someone treats him right so that whomever comes along later, Alec will know never to accept less than he deserves. Theo can't be Alec's future, but he can be his right now.

"I know, Theo."

There's something sad in Alec's eyes and Theo wishes he knew what it meant. Maybe he's thinking of the guy he likes, the guy he wishes were his first.

"You can tell me no. You can tell me to fuck off, Alec."

"You know I wouldn't," Alec mutters, twisting his fingers in the front of Theo's sweater.

Theo doesn't know that, doesn't understand why he would be the one person Alec wouldn't say no to. A braver man might ask, but Theo's already used his allotment of bravery for the day, especially since he isn't sure he could handle the answer. He's hurt Alec so many times and maybe none of them were on purpose, but that doesn't change the hurt that probably still lingers.

"I know you don't have feelings for me anymore, but that makes this easy, right? Just two friends. No expectations. No one gets hurt."

"Just two friends," Alec whispers.

The fingers in his sweater tighten, and for one dizzying second Theo swears Alec is gonna punch him. He doesn't, instead rising up onto tiptoes to crash their lips together. The kiss is as unexpected as it is demanding. Theo finds himself backed up to the kitchen island, the wood digging into the base of his spine as Alec kisses him like he dances—with confidence.