13. Alec

CHAPTER 13

Alec

Lights flicker in his peripheral vision as he all but runs to the bar, slamming himself against the wooden edge as he struggles to catch his breath. He's such an idiot. Part of Alec wants to cry and the rest of him wants the ground to swallow him whole or get drunk enough that he won't remember tonight.

Turns out, not even when Theo wants to protect Alec is he desperate enough to dance with him. He'd danced at Alec's party, but that was different. Alec knows how he looks tonight, how he's been dancing, and Theo doesn't want any part of that. Which should be fine. It's not Theo's fault he's not interested in Alec, not his fault that while Alec tries to forget him on the dance floor, the touch of every other man repulses Alec because they're not Theo.

None of those men are the man with the blue eyes and quiet smile that Alec has been in love with since he was fifteen, and it hurts so goddamn much he can barely breathe. He thought he could do this, thought he could just be friends, but every single day it hurts more. Sometimes Alec isn't sure if there's a point to even having a heart when it hurts this much.

He turns around, half hoping Theo ignored his petulant warning and followed anyway, but he didn't, and the relief at his boundaries being respected is diminished by the cold ache of loss. For the briefest of moments, Alec had thought maybe Theo didn't like those other men touching him because he wanted to dance with Alec, but those were foolish thoughts from a foolish boy who let a few drinks get to his head.

Theo doesn't like Alec, not like that, and he never will. Jason probably told him to watch out for him. He probably came over out of some stupid misplaced sense of obligation, which makes Alec want to puke.

"You look like you need this," someone says, sliding a drink in front of Alec.

Alec stares at the mystery drink before turning his gaze on the guy who passed it to him.

"I'd prefer not to be drugged, thanks." Alec slides it back across the bar.

The man laughs as if what Alec said is funny. It's not funny. Not a little bit. Alec is tempted to flip him off, but he then has the bartender give Alec a fresh drink, definitely not tampered with, and Alec accepts it because he might be pissed off, but he's not going to turn down a free drink.

"Wanna dance, sweetheart?"

The guy can't be much older than Alec, and with his ridiculous aviators tucked into the front of his t-shirt like it's fucking sunny or something in here, he looks like an idiot. He's got dark hair and a pretty face and he's got maybe two inches on Alec. Nothing about him makes Alec's heart race. Not his pompous laugh or his baby-faced looks.

"Alright," Alec answers, because despite all the reasons he doesn't want to dance with the guy, the one person he does want to dance with said no, and Alec is so tired of not being wanted. Just for one night he wants to let himself see what it's like to be the object of someone else's attention—to be desired. And there is no mistaking the desire in this guy's eyes as he drags his gaze up and down Alec's body.

This isn't what Alec wants. It isn't who he wants, but maybe if he gets drunk enough that won't matter. Besides, he isn't going to have sex with any of the guys here, regardless of what Theo thinks. He just wants to dance, have fun, and pretend that he's someone else's fantasy.

"You coming, pretty boy?"

"Coming," Alec replies, grabbing his drink before moving closer to the guy. "Show me your moves."

Together they make their way to the dance floor. The guy is an objectively terrible dancer, but he plies Alec with drinks and compliments. It's not so bad, really. The music thunders in his ears as he closes his eyes and gets lost in the sound. He loses track of how long they're out there, the songs keep changing, the drinks keep coming, and Alec lets himself forget the blue eyes that he knows aren't watching him.

More than once, the guy whose name Alec never bothered to ask lets his hands wander, but Alec always shifts them higher. Inevitably, they move lower again, and after the fifth time, Alec gets annoyed. He tries to step away, but he's prevented by someone holding onto the loops of his jeans.

"What the fuck is with everyone grabbing me tonight?" Alec grumbles, turning around and glaring.

"Damn, you're pretty even when you're mad." The guy laughs again like this is funny and suddenly, Alec doesn't want to dance with him anymore. He doesn't even want to look at him. "I bet you're pretty on your knees. You wanna come back to my place, baby?"

"No."

"Don't be a tease," the guy sneers, tugging on Alec's belt loop hard.

Alec slaps his hand, annoyed when he doesn't remove it. "I said no, asshole."

"Yet your mouth kept saying yes to drinks." He smirks, pressing himself against Alec as if buying Alec drinks is somehow permission to ignore his firm no. The guy rocks his hips and he's hard, because of Alec, for Alec, and bile rises in Alec's throat because this is not what he wants. The fuzzy haze in his brain is not so fun anymore. "You like that, don't you? You like pretending you don't want this."

"Fuck you," Alec grits out, yanking himself back so hard he falls to the floor with a painful thud.

Someone yells and the people around them move as someone very large and strong shoves them out of the way. That someone drops to his knees, moving in front of Alec and, oh, Alec knows this very large someone.

"Alec," Theo whispers. "Are you in trouble?"

"I'm not in trouble. I am the trouble, Theodore."

It's such a lie. Alec is in trouble. He's in so much goddamn trouble. He's so tired of having to hold back and pretend he doesn't want to be touched or have attention, because guys think it means more. Even worse is that he's desperately, painfully still in love with Theo and the lights are too bright and the ground is spinning, and he's never felt more out of control, but he can't say that. He can't say any of that.

"I think it's time for you to go home," Theo says.

"I can take him home," the handsy asshole offers.

"Over my dead fucking body," Alec slurs, flipping him off. "I wouldn't go home with you if you were the last man on earth."

"Cocktease."

Alec jumps up, fully intending to yell at the dickface some more, but the ground spins and he stumbles sideways, ending up on the ground again. He squints, watching Theo lean in close. He can't hear what Theo tells him, but the guy looks pissed.

"Keep him. He's more trouble than he's worth," the guy says before turning to walk away.

"I'll fucking fight you," Alec yells from the ground. He's not sure how he thinks he can fight if he can't stand up, but that's beside the point. He's offended, god damn it. He's also got major ick from being groped against his will. And he's kind of sad, but he's not entirely sure why, and the corners of his eyes are leaking just a little bit.

"Calm down," Theo tries, a hand on Alec's shoulder.

The tears go from sad to angry as Alec swats his hand away, unsure why he's so mad. "No one in the history of fucking anything has ever calmed down after being told to calm down."

"Okay."

"I don't want to calm down!" Alec yells, grabbing onto Theo and using his body as leverage to stand up.

"Alright."

"You can't make me," Alec huffs, shoving his bony finger into one of Theo's soft, squishy pecs. He doesn't argue and that just makes Alec madder, although why he isn't sure. He feels a bit like a deregulated toddler. There are so many emotions and he can't figure out which one he's actually feeling. "You can't make me," Alec yells again. "Do you hear me, Theodore?"

"Yes, Alec."

"Why aren't you arguing?"

"Because you're drunk and emotional."

"I am not emotional. Fuck you," Alec snaps, climbing to his feet. He turns, intending to run away, but stumbles.

"Careful."

"I'm fine," Alec says to no one in particular, pushing past the crowds of people staring to get to the door. Suddenly the club is too crowded and hot and loud, and if Alec doesn't get outside, he might suffocate.

Every step takes more effort than it should with his head spinning. He only makes it about halfway before someone asks him to dance, and Alec is either going to throw up on him or punch him in the face. Alec isn't even sure what he says, but the guy walks away with a shake of his head. Alec thinks he's in the clear, but then someone grabs his arm and Alec flinches, curling in on himself. It's not fair that just because he's a tactile person, people think they can grab him without permission, that they think his enjoyment of dancing meant more. He just wanted to have fun.

The hand holding his squeezes and Alec nearly pukes. He doesn't want to be touched by strange men anymore.

"Don't touch me," Alec yells, standing still in the hope that the room might stop moving. "I'll punch you if you do."

"You look more like you might throw up on me," Theo says.

The fight goes out of Alec. It's just Theo touching him. Theo is safe. He came back, even after Alec yelled at him and tried to start a fight—albeit a justified one—then ran away again. He came for Alec, and Alec is reminded exactly why he doesn't drink. Not only can he not hold his liquor, he's a fucking messy drunk. He's emotional and whiny, his stomach hurts, his head is spinning, and he might cry. He really doesn't want to cry. "I don't feel so good," Alec admits, voice very small.

"Let me take you home."

Alec's jaw trembles. He doesn't want to go home. He doesn't want to go back to his own cold, tiny bed. He doesn't want to explain to Antonio where he was or why he's drunk.

"I'll stay here."

"What the hell, Alec. No."

"M'fine," Alec says, dropping to the floor and kicking his legs out. Someone steps over him to get by, but Alec doesn't care. Not even when they spill beer on his leg.

"Alec, stand up."

"Ground is good," Alec says, pretty sure fighting with Theo is the only thing keeping him from flat-out sobbing right now. He feels so fucking out of control. He's never been this drunk before and that floaty, relaxed feeling from earlier is long gone, replaced by a wave of nausea and unease.

"Why are you so stubborn?" Theo sighs, squatting down. He pushes some of the hair from Alec's eyes, his hand cool and soft. Alec shouldn't, but he leans into the touch, closing his eyes and pressing his forehead into Theo's palm. "You're hot."

"You're just noticing?" Alec mumbles. "M'very sexy."

"Yes, sitting on the floor of a club drunk as an elephant is so sexy."

It's a joke. Probably. Except it floods Alec with embarrassment and shame, and then the tears are coming fast and hot.

"Oh, shit." Theo tries to wipe away the tears, but Alec flinches, flinging himself back so hard his head slams into the floor. He cries harder, throwing his arms over his face. "Alec, I was teasing."

"Leave me here to die," Alec wails.

"You are not going to die."

"Yes, I am."

"No, you're not. We just need to get you up and take you home. You can sleep it off at my place, alright? It's closer."

Theo's place. Theo is taking Alec back to his house? "Can I see Rio?"

"Of course you can see Rio. She lives there. Just stop crying and come with me, please," Theo begs, unable to stomach Alec crying.

"I'm not crying," Alec lies, scrubbing his hands at his face before opening his eyes to stare at the ceiling. The lights are flashing so bright he feels like he might have a seizure. He's never had one before, but his brain feels like it's screaming. "Theo, I think someone poisoned me."

"Is he okay?" someone asks. It's a girl with long brown hair on one side and shaved on the other. She looks nice and Alec doesn't want her to worry.

"Yes," Alec answers at the same time Theo says no.

"I am fine, Theodore." The fact that his words slur probably lessens their impact.

"Stand up and prove it."

"Fine, give me space," Alec grumbles, rolling onto his belly. He gets onto his hands and knees, and then stops when the world spins. "Nevermind." Before he can collapse on the ground, strong arms are wrapping around his middle and lifting him to his feet.

"I could've done that," Alec insists, swaying on his feet. "You just beat me to it."

"Uh-huh." Theo hums, slipping Alec's arm around his waist.

"Did you get bigger?" Alec grumbles, patting Theo's side.

"Maybe you shrunk?"

"I don't have room to shrink," Alec moans pitifully. "I don't wanna shrink."

"You're not shrinking," Theo assures him, slipping his arm around Alec's waist so his bare fingers rest on Alec's belly, just under his crop top. "Just hold on to me and let's get you to the car."

They make it two steps before Alec nearly falls on his face. "Stop tripping me," Alec grumbles.

"I'm not," Theo says, sounding like he's trying not to laugh. "I think you forgot how to walk."

"I'll have you know I'm very…very…what the fuck is that word?"

"Coordinated?"

"Yes, that." He pats Theo's tummy. "Good man."

Theo doesn't argue with Alec, not even when he proceeds to trip over his own feet four more times before they make it out of the club. It's only when they're standing in the middle of the street that Alec stops to appreciate how good the cool night air feels on his flushed skin.

"Stop walking," Alec says, pushing Theo away.

"What's wrong?"

"M'hot," Alec answers, struggling with his shirt. He yanks on it, but it gets stuck around his neck, his necklace tangled as he tugs pathetically. A moment later, big hands are smoothing the cotton down, untangling his necklace so he can yank his shirt off. He sighs in relief, throwing out his arms and taking a deep breath.

"Happy now?" Theo asks.

"I'd be happier with a Coke."

"You had enough to drink."

"Coke isn't beer. I want a Coke."

"I'm taking you home."

"But I want a Coke." Alec is pretty sure he's whining, but he doesn't care. He really wants a Coke now that he's thought about it. Maybe the carbonation will help him feel less like someone ran over his emotions with a lawn mower. "Take me through a drive-thru."

"I have Coke at home."

Alec stumbles, staring at Theo through squinted eyes. "You don't drink Coke."

"No I don't," Theo agrees, his touch gentle as he spurs Alec to keep moving. His feet go forward, one after the other. Theo's body is slotted against his own once more, his big steady hands the only thing keeping Alec from crumbling.

"Why do you have Coke, Theo?"

The answer seems obvious, but the idea that he bought it for Alec, that he thought about what Alec liked and then went and got some just in case Alec came over, is more than Alec's alcohol-addled brain can handle. Had he thought about Alec when he bought it? Does that mean he wanted Alec to come over again?

"For you," Theo answers.

It's only two words, but they break something in Alec. For the longest time, he thought his heart was held together by duct tape and glue, but he knows better now. It was fused together with the lies he told himself. I can be casual. I can just be his friend. I can get over him. Those lies shatter into a million and one pieces, because of a goddamn can of Coke.

Unable to move, Alec stops walking. He pulls himself out of Theo's hold and sits down in the middle of the road, lying on the macadam. He looks up at the sky and stares at the moon, so big and bright, and he knows without a shadow of a doubt that there is no getting over Theodore James. He can spend the rest of his life lying and running and fighting against his heart, and none of it will make a goddamn difference because he is in love with Theo. Somewhere along the line while Alec was growing up and learning how to be a person, Theo's presence solidified itself so that Alec's heart grew around a Theo-shaped hole that no one else will ever fit into.

"What are you doing, Alec?"

"I'm going to live here now," Alec answers, throwing out his arms and legs so he's spreadeagle in the middle of the street.

Someone honks but Alec doesn't move. He can't move. How can you move when you realize the kind of love you have for someone is steady as the roots of a tree. You can cut the top of the tree off, but those roots will always be there. There will be no getting over Theo. Not now, not ever.

Perhaps Alec should want to sob or scream, but all he feels is a floaty kind of peace. Well, that and a lot of nausea and dizziness, but the peace is nice. He's tired of fighting, tired of hiding. He loves Theo and it's alright if Theo never loves him back. He'll take all the friendship and scraps of love and cans of Coke Theo will give him, and it will be enough because Theo is enough. Theo has always been enough.

"You're stopping traffic."

"I am amazing." Alec smiles. "Look at the moon, Theo. It's beautiful."

"Oh my god, you're so drunk." Theo snorts seconds before his arms are slipping beneath Alec's back and under his legs, lifting him from the ground like he weighs nothing.

"If you wanted to hold me, you just had to ask," Alec laughs, following that up with a groan when Theo starts to walk and Alec's stomach churns. "I don't feel so good."

"What were you even drinking?" Theo asks, hitching Alec up against his chest in a bridal carry. Alec might be smaller than him, but he's got a lot of muscle and weighs more than he looks, and yet Theo holds him with ease. A pitiful sound falls from Alec's lips as he buries his face in Theo's neck and breathes in the achingly familiar scent of his cologne.

"It's gonna be okay, Alec."

Alec doesn't reply. There's nothing to say. He's drunk off his ass and in love with the man holding him. Nothing about this situation is remotely okay.

"Think you can stand if I put you down?" Theo asks.

"No, thank you," Alec mumbles against Theo's neck.

The reverberations of Theo's soft laughter jostles Alec, making him hold on all the tighter. "It's my fault for making it a question." He attempts to lower Alec's legs, but Alec tries to curl himself around Theo, not wanting to be put down. "Alec."

Alec ignores his words while shoving his nose into Theo's neck. He's not gonna get another chance to be this close and he's going to take full advantage of their proximity. Theo's body is strong and warm, his scent intoxicating, and if Alec didn't feel close to puking or passing out, it would be perfect.

"I have to put you down so I can drive."

In response Alec tightens his arms around Theo's neck, refusing to return to reality.

"Alexander."

Alec sucks in a sharp breath, head spinning as he loosens his koala death grip on Theo. Carefully, he's lowered to the ground, his feet unsteady and his head spinning as he opens his eyes to find pretty blue ones staring back at him.

"What?"

"Nothing," Theo whispers, pushing a loose curl behind Alec's ear. "Alec?—"

Bile rises in Alec's throat and suddenly, a gut wrenching sound comes from his own mouth as he shoves Theo away just in time to prevent spewing his guts on him. He falls to his knees, losing everything in his stomach. The muscles spasm, his throat closing as he gags, tears prickling at his eyes. Alec hates puking and he hates crying and he never, ever wants to drink again.

"You're crying," Theo whispers.

"I'm not," Alec insists, even as the tears fall. "I'm never drinking again."

"If you say so."

"I do say so," Alec insists, rising to stand but falling into the side of the car. "Fucking door hit me."

"Let me help," Theo offers. If it were anyone else Alec might push them away, but since it's Theo, he lets himself be guided into the car. Wasting no time in kicking off his shoes and leaning his seat all the way back, he stretches his legs out on the dash and closes his eyes, finally comfortable. At least until the engine roars to life and the car moves, and then Alec's holding on to the door for dear life.

"Why are you driving so crazy?"

"I'm just pulling out."

"Nuh-uh," Alec says, slamming his mouth shut and shaking his head. He's pretty sure the odds of him being sick again are high.

"Alec."

"I need something to chew on."

"Like what?"

"Anything," Alec snaps, afraid he might cry again. He's so nauseous and the ground is moving, literally, while Theo continues to drive. He needs to bite or chew on something. Right now.

He feels the brush of Theo's cotton shirt on his belly as Theo leans over him, digging around in the glove compartment until he finds a silicone reusable straw neatly folded in a little stainless carrying case. He passes it to Alec, who breathes deeply through his nose before biting the straw between his teeth.

Theo drives, Alec chews, and no one talks. By the time they make it to Theo's house, there are teeth marks embedded in the silicone and Alec isn't sure he ever wants to get in a car again. Driving is the worst. Or maybe drinking is the worst. Or both.

As soon as Theo turns off the engine, Alec throws the door open, rolling out of the car with a painful thud and dragging himself to the grass where he flops belly down. Theo's sprinklers must've been on recently because the grass is wet, cold against his flushed skin and soaking his jeans.

"Are you ok?"

"Fucking great," Alec mumbles.

"Why are you in the grass?"

That seems like a stupid question to Alec, so he doesn't bother dignifying it with an answer, instead lifting himself onto his hands and knees and making it about a foot before collapsing back down again. He gets grass in his mouth, which is a great companion to the taste of puke still lingering. Alec's a real fucking catch tonight.

"Do you need me to carry you inside?"

"No," Alec snaps automatically, rolling onto his back. He's met with Theo's kind eyes and something in him shatters beyond repair. "Maybe."

"Come on, then," Theo says, squatting down beside Alec. His pants are so tight it looks like his thighs might split them, the smallest hint of a belly hanging over his jeans. His strong arms move under Alec to pick him up and cradle him close for the second time tonight.

"Why is this happening to me?" Alec wails, flinging his head back pitifully.

"You drank enough for someone twice your size," Theo answers, far too honest for Alec's current state of inebriation.

With a grunt, Alec lets his head fall onto Theo's shoulder. The top two buttons of Theo's shirt are undone and if Alec moved his mouth a bit he might be able to taste him, might feel some of Theo's pale skin beneath his own, or the brush of chest hair against his lips.

"You're not going to puke on me, are you?"

Shame and embarrassment well up in Alec like a fucking dam and he shakes his head, pressing his face into Theo's neck and trying not to break down. This is why he doesn't drink. He can get wild and have fun sober. Drunk Alec isn't just messy, he's pathetic, needy and emotional. Every single desire he's ever had has been unearthed and laid on display. He feels exposed, raw, and so close to falling apart.

"We need to get you lying down."

"Shower," Alec grunts.

"Can you handle a shower?"

"M'not a fucking baby."

"Alright, alright," Theo says, his tone making it clear he's worried Alec might snap. Newsflash, he might. "Let's just get you inside. I can help you shower and?—"

"I don't need help," Alec interjects, not sure why he's being so stubborn. For some reason it seems like a good idea, but so does kissing Theo, and he's at least coherent enough to know that would ruin everything, but not enough to stop himself from refusing help he desperately wants.

There is no relief when Theo doesn't argue, only the foreboding sense that maybe this time Alec has found Theo's limit. Everyone always tells him he's a lot to handle. Too fidgety, too loud, too talkative, too cocky, too competitive, too honest. You name it and Alec does it to the extreme. Drinking only magnifies that, which is why Alec's only ever had a few drinks. He's never even been drunk before, never wanted to get that out of control or find out who can't handle him.

Somehow, Theo manages to get the front door unlocked without dropping Alec. Once the door swings open, Theo carries him into the living room and lowers Alec down to a standing position beside the couch.

"Thanks," Alec mumbles, too out of it to try and check if Theo watches him stumble his way through the darkened living room. Somehow, his legs feel even shakier than before, and he just barely makes it across the living room. It's only sheer stubbornness and muscle memory that get him down the long hallway to the bathroom. More than once he nearly falls, but Theo hasn't followed Alec, letting him make his own way. Theo did exactly what Alec asked, so why does that make Alec so miserable? With a choked off sob, Alec scrubs at his face and falls against the bathroom wall with a loud crash.

"Alec?" Theo yells.

"M'fine," Alec lies, his hands shaking as he slams the door behind him and collapses against it. His hands continue to shake as flicks on the light, immediately wishing he hadn't. The illumination hurts his eyes, like a knife to his throbbing head. He slaps the light off before fumbling his way towards the shower in the dark. He tugs the shower curtain open and then tries to undo his jeans, nearly screaming when the button won't go through the hole. He tries three more times, but his vision is blurry and his hands won't stop trembling.

"Fuck," Alec grunts, wishing he could rip the jeans off.

In hindsight, what he should've done was take Theo up on his offer, even if it would've robbed Alec of all of his self respect. At least then Theo would be here with him to stop the rising tide of melancholy. Yet another reason Alec shouldn't drink; it makes him sad. Other people like Alec because he's happy. Right now he is not happy, and he can't imagine anyone else would want to be around him like this when he doesn't even want to be around himself.

Alec wills away another round of tears. Unbidden, the mental image of Theo here undoing Alec's pants for him before pushing them down his hips appears. He wishes Theo was in the darkened room, brushing his hair off his face and asking if he's alright. He's not. Not even a little bit. Maybe if Theo were here, he might even tell him that.

At this point it's become automatic to tell people he's fine when they ask, regardless of the real answer. He spent so long trying to escape his brother's shadows and prove he could handle things himself that he sometimes forgets it's okay to ask for help, to need people. Right now, Alec needs Theo. Or maybe he just wants him. It's hard for Alec to be sure which one it is.

Alec wishes Theo was here with his steady hands to help Alec rinse away the memory of tonight, liquor and puke and the hands he didn't want on his body. He wants to wash it away, wash them away.

Between the frustration of being unable to get his stupid fucking jeans off, along with the throbbing in his head, he wants to collapse to the floor and stay there, but he knows that would only make everything worse. He holds out hope that getting into the shower might help, but getting those few feet into the shower feels nearly insurmountable. It's only the feeling of dried throw up on his stomach that propels Alec forward, his knees hitting the tile floor as he falls into the tub and lets out a choked sob. He doesn't bother standing up, doesn't care that he's still half dressed. He reaches for the knob and turns the water on high, too disoriented to figure out the temperature. Freezing cold water pounds down on his head as he tries to wash away the sadness that clings to his skin like a stain.

Every part of his body, from his ankles to his head hurts. He's not sure if it's from falling into the damn tub or if it's sore from the game earlier, all he knows is that every inch of him aches. His muscles hurt, his head hurts, his eyes hurt. His stupid fucking heart hurts.

"I got some Gatorade for when you're done," Theo calls from the other side of the door. He's so damn close. If Alec called for him, he would come. "It's green apple, I hope that's okay. That's all I had."

Green apple Gatorade. Jason's favorite flavor. Of course that's what Theo has.

"Alec?"

Intending to offer some kind of reply, Alec opens his mouth but nothing comes out. Water splashes into his mouth and Alec opens it wider, tipping his face so the spray stings his eyes and fills his mouth, taking in so much water he chokes on it.

Peripherally he's aware of Theo speaking again and the door opening, but none of that makes sense. The only thing that registers is Theo falling to his knees beside the tub, soaking the sleeves of his shirt as he reaches for Alec.

"Why didn't you let me help?" Theo asks, his tone gentle as he pulls Alec into a standing position with him. Then he's doing exactly what Alec wished he would earlier and removing his jeans, shoving them down so they fall in a heavy wet pile in the shower. "Can I?"

Alec nods, floating above himself while Theo's nimble fingers push his soaking wet boxers off. The entire time Theo keeps his eyes on the shower wall. It's just one more reminder that Theo's kindness now has nothing to do with wanting to see Alec naked and everything to do with Alec being a pathetic, hot mess. Theo is careful as he washes Alec's belly, rinsing soap from his body and scrubbing away the reminders of the club.

"Let's get you dry," Theo says, shutting the water off before wrapping a towel around Alec.

Though Alec tries to dry himself off, something in his brain has stopped working. He's fuzzy, confused, and exhausted. The towel nearly falls to the floor but then Theo catches it, pulling it back around Alec's shoulders and whispering softly while he towel-dries Alec's curls. Theo's hands are everywhere, running the towel across his back and down his spine, curling it around his hips and the insides of his thighs, even wiping away the water collecting on his toes. He's so gentle and kind that whatever is left of Alec falls apart.

It's impossible for Alec to know if Theo senses this or is just equally tired, but he keeps the questions to a bare minimum as he guides Alec out of the bathroom and into his bedroom. With breathtaking care, he lowers him onto the edge of Theo's mattress before searching for some clothes for him. He returns with a pair of sweats that are several sizes too big and a t-shirt, frowning when he catches sight of Alec shivering. Theo uncaps the Gatorade before passing it to Alec along with a couple of Advil, making sure he chugs as much as he can.

"Why'd you have the water so cold, Alec?"

A shrug is all he can manage. Theo's eyebrows knit together and he mutters to himself before turning around and heading back to his closet where he rummages through his sweater collection, returning with something thick and soft. He pulls it over Alec's head, helping him get his arms in the sleeves, and politely ignores the way Alec's eyes water. Unable to believe what's happening, Alec breathes in Theo's familiar scent, fingering the sleeves of the sweater where they hang over his hands. He's pretty sure he's had more than a few fantasies about Theo and his sweaters, but they usually involve things a lot sexier than being pulled out of the shower too stupid and drunk to wash himself.

Regardless of the reason, the comfort of Theo's sweater unlocks something in Alec, and he gives up fighting and pretending he doesn't desperately want to be taken care of. He's so exhausted from always smiling, always pretending, that the smallest bit of comfort from Theo has him shattering into a million pieces. The alcohol seems determined to pluck out every insecurity and worry and burden from the recesses where Alec keeps them locked away, making them feel bigger and stronger than they do in the light of day.

"Let me change and I'll help you to the living room," Theo explains, turning his back on Alec while he undresses. "I already made up the couch and got you extra pillows and blankets."

Alec knows he's truly wrecked because he doesn't even check out Theo while he undresses, too exhausted and achy to do more than collapse on Theo's bed. The temptation to crawl up and use Theo's pillow, to wrap himself in the same blankets Theo sleeps in, is nearly overwhelming. He tries to resist temptation, at least until Rio's quiet meow comes from the floor. A second later she's leaping onto the pillow as if by invitation.

"Hi," Alec whispers, scooting the rest of the way up the bed to bury his face in Theo's pillow while Rio curls herself into Alec's throat. When Alec's fingers smooth over her soft fur, his hands tremble. He's so tired.

"Alec."

Theo's talking again, the sound of his feet padding across the floor a warning for his approach. Alec squeezes his eyes shut, waits for Theo to pick him up and physically move him to the living room so he can have his space back. Instead, a blanket is draped over his bare legs, pulled up to his chest and tucked around Alec and Rio as if they are welcome in his most personal space.

"I'll take the couch," Theo whispers.

Without thinking it through, Alec's eyes open while his hand flies out, seeking Theo's gaze in the dark. He curls his fingers around Theo's wrist, nails digging into the delicate underside. Beneath his fingertips he feels the beat of Theo's pulse, slow and steady in sharp contrast to Alec's heart, which is speeding like a freight train in his chest.

"What is it?"

"Stay," Alec whispers, that one word costing him everything he has. "Please." Unable to look at Theo's face if he rejects him, Alec squeezes his eyes shut again and loosens his grip. He's asked, damn near begged, and if Theo says no, he won't ask again.

At the sound of Theo's feet moving, Alec's heart falls. He waits for the sound of the door shutting, surprised when the bed dips with Theo's weight. Ever so slowly, Theo slips beneath the sheets, a barrier between their bodies as he scoots closer. Even with the blankets separating them, his proximity soothes and Alec inches as close as possible, snaking an arm out to slip it across Theo's middle.

Over the years, Alec's shared a bed with Antonio or Riley on more than one occasion. They'd always indulged his need for touch without much commentary, but this isn't one of his best friends. This is Theo, and though blankets keep their flesh from touching, he's never been so close to him before. He's never been nearly naked in his bed, wrapped in one of Theo's favorite sweaters, breathing in the scent of Theo's soap and cologne on the pillow.

Theo's presence is everywhere, from the firm side wedged against him to the sound of his breathing. It's so much and not enough, and Alec wants the kinds of things he only ever dared to imagine when he was alone. Maybe it's the alcohol, or maybe it's the way Theo's hand rests over Alec's wrist, which could just as easily be an accident as much as something more. Whatever the reason, Alec's mouth has no more filter.

"What's it like?" Alec whispers.

"Hmm?"

"Sex."

"Shit, Alec."

"S'just a question," Alec mumbles, fighting against his own exhaustion. He wants to talk to Theo.

"I'm not sure I'm the right person to answer that. Don't you want to ask one of your brothers or friends?"

"I'd rather walk into oncoming traffic than ask my brothers about sex," Alec huffs. "And all my friends sleep with women."

"I sleep with women."

"You're so annoying," Alec grumbles, swatting his chest. Rio readjusts herself immediately, resettling under Alec's chin. "You sleep with men, too. I know you do."

"Do you actually want to know how I sleep with men?"

No. It will break him into a million pieces so small no one will ever put them back together.

No.

No.

No.

"Yes," he whispers because he is drunk and weak. "I'm tired of being a virgin."

"There's nothing wrong with being a virgin, Alexander."

"You only say that because you're a sex god. Maybe I should've told one of those guys yes. They all asked." He yawns, eyelids drooping.

Theo makes a choking noise, long fingers wrapping around Alec's forearm. If Alec weren't so drunk and damn near passing out, he'd almost think Theo was holding onto him on purpose. His touch is grounding, steadying, and Alec wiggles closer, throwing his leg over Theo and shoving his own face into the crook of Theo's neck so the two of them and Rio are all smashed together in the center of the bed.

"I just wanna know what it's like," Alec slurs, everything getting so damn heavy. "I wanna—" but Alec can't finish the thought, because Theo's big hand ends up on the back of his head, long fingers smoothing down the back of Alec's skull, and his body collapses. Surrounded by Theo, he gives up trying to stay awake and lets go.