Chapter Twelve

JOSH WIPEDthe sweat from his brow as he watched Tyler pull away in his truck after their morning run. Alone, he pushed through the locker room doors, his muscles burning and pulse slowly settling. Tyler’s imminent departure clouded Josh’s mind. The Swells wanted him back in San Diego in the next week or two. No surprise, but they had run out of time.

Inside the empty athletics office, he stripped off his soaked shirt and shorts in the little bathroom and stepped into the coaches’ shower. As water cascaded over his sore muscles, he scrubbed sweat off. He hadn’t figured out what was supposed to happen after Tyler left.

He turned off the water and toweled off, then tugged on his uniform shirt and shorts before returning to his desk. He still needed to check the softball uniforms Elise had ordered last week.

“Hey, Josh.”

Principal Carver was waiting, a folded newspaper in hand and a strange expression on his face.

Josh took his seat, a little unsteady. “Phil. Everything okay?”

“It is. But we have a situation.”

Carver passed Josh the paper, his eyes full of concern.

Josh’s eyes locked onto a headline: CAPTAIN FANTASTIC GETS DRASTIC.

“Jesus.” Josh scanned the page quickly: a snide screed vilifying Tyler’s efforts to revitalize the school library. Par for the course, really, but as it went on, the article got weirdly personal. The author was anonymous, and they obviously had an ax to grind, but this bordered on libel. “I need a second.”

Now Carver looked pissed. “I’m so sorry, Josh. I have my suspicions about who’s responsible, but this is beyond anything I anticipated.”

“Who do you suspect?” Josh glanced up, bewildered, but Carver didn’t elaborate.

How had a literacy campaign become about his relationship with Tyler?

Josh’s eyes locked back onto the newspaper, scanning for specifics, anything to give an indication who had done this to him. It came about two-thirds of the way in. Nothing overt, nothing actionable, a few sly hints about the possible “spectacle” of “school showers” and “the faculty bachelor romancing Fantana.” The article didn’t name him or say anything directly derogatory, just enough to make Josh’s blood boil.

Someone in the school had done this.

Josh’s mind raced. Nobody knew about the morning runs but people who got to Hamilton at sunup. That meant that one of his coworkers, someone he’d smiled at and covered for over the years, had gone to great lengths to make him seem sleazy and opportunistic in the local rag.

“What the actual hell, Phil? This is in the building. Who would leak this crap to the media?”

Carver sighed. “I wish I knew for sure. But we’ve had more than a few staff members grumble about the library initiative. And you and Tyler being so… close.”

“We jog! I’ve known the man over fifteen years. Tyler hasn’t showered in this building since he graduated. This makes it sound like we’re one step from hosting satanic orgies in the Hamilton locker room.” Josh knew he was getting too loud. His pulse jerked in his throat.

Carver held up his hands, silently pleading for calm. “I knew you’d be upset. That’s why I came here first thing. It’s unethical and disgusting. I’m going to deal with it immediately. But you needed to know.”

“The kids will see this. Their parents. This evil crap.” Josh crumpled the paper, livid. “Total garbage. Tyler’s just trying to make a difference, to save the library. And these bigots are targeting us. They want to get us killed based on lies.”

“I know, I know.” Carver swallowed. “We’ll figure this out, Josh. If you need to take a day or two…. I just wanted you to hear it from me first before the gossip starts swirling.”

“I’m not going anywhere. I wouldn’t give these assholes the satisfaction. I don’t back down to bullies. Ever.” Josh took a deep breath, trying to calm down. But he could already imagine the looks and whispers in the hallways.

“Good man.” Carver tried to smile, but the result wasn’t comforting.

“Thanks for the heads-up,” Josh said finally. “Sorry for losing my cool. I know you’ve got our backs.”

Carver shrugged. “Always.”

Josh managed to keep himself in check, but his heart was racing with anger and unease. This changed everything. With Tyler leaving soon, Josh would be alone on the front lines, without his protector and champion. The thought of weathering this storm solo filled him with dread.

Josh trudged through the rest of the day in a fog, barely able to focus on teaching. His thoughts kept drifting to Tyler, wishing he was still here to help Josh face the growing threats. Mrs. Grappo gave him a reassuring pat on the way out of the faculty lounge, and then Stan from the library offered a nervous thumbs-up that made him feel doomed. If the teachers he trusted felt awkward, then things were worse than Carver thought.

To their credit, the students acted totally normal. If they knew, they didn’t say a word. If anything, they seemed eager to thank him and not give him any trouble. So maybe they knew and had his back. He didn’t trust his instincts at this point. By lunch he realized they were being too nice to seem normal; they absolutely knew. In a town this small, there were no secrets.

He couldn’t stop obsessing about it. His job and safety in Cinnamar were in real jeopardy.

During assembly, he called Tyler, desperate for a sensible perspective, but it went straight to voicemail, and then he went completely blank. What should he say? How could he explain without sounding insane or panicking Tyler? He couldn’t figure out a reasonable message to leave, so after saying, “Hi,” and a weird endless pause, he just punted. He said that something awful had come up, but that he was fine, and he’d explain later.

The last thing he needed right now was Tyler rushing to the school to make a scene and fix everything.

As the day ground forward, Josh’s paranoia got worse. Every faculty member he saw could have done this to him. Any student might mouth off for the attention. Tyler’s name meant national coverage and worse; anyone in the building might sell them out just for the chance of being on ESPN for ten seconds.

After the last bell, Josh stopped by the front office. Vicky gave him a sympathetic smile. “Hey, handsome. Rough day.” It wasn’t a question.

Josh just nodded, too exhausted to go into it.

“It’s going to all work out. You watch, hon,” she said gently. “We’ve got your back. A whole bunch of people, in fact.”

“Thanks, Vicky.” Josh managed a tired smile. “I should get going….”

She leaned over the counter and whispered, “She’s just jealous.”

Josh frowned. “Who is?”

Vicky rolled her eyes and muttered, “The nerve. I remember when that woman was selling lingerie out of her car. And now just because she’s bought a vibrator and found Jesus—”

“—to regret this!” A hostile Myra Waxman emerged from the principal’s office, red-faced and sputtering.

Josh tensed, realizing she’d just been reprimanded. She was the culprit. “Myra?”

“On leave! On leave!” Myra caught sight of Josh and barreled over. “Well, if it isn’t Mr. Jockstrap Adonis,” she said loudly. “Seems like you and your boyfriend have really stirred things up around here. I’m suspended without pay while you and Fantana corrupt innocent angels. Making eyes at each other. Flaunting yourselves half-naked before the entire community.”

Josh clenched his fists and exhaled slowly.

Carver emerged behind her. “Myra, that’s more than enough. I don’t want to have to call security. And defamation is illegal.” He gave Vicky a look, and she started dialing.

“What a joke. I’ve done my Christian duty.” Myra had obviously shown up spoiling for a tacky scene, and Josh had inadvertently stumbled into it.

Carver put his hand on Josh’s shoulder. “If you want to wait in my office.”

“I don’t know what you think you’re going to accomplish by tempting students and encouraging defiance,” Myra continued. “It’s just asking for trouble.”

Josh struggled to stay calm. “We teach kids to think. To solve problems. Not blind obedience.”

Carver held open his office door. “Josh… please.”

Myra scoffed. “Don’t pretend you’re so high and mighty. Parading around in your little shorts. We all know this is just you forcing your agenda on impressionable young minds.”

Josh trembled with anger, but he refused to give her fodder for another scene. Taking a deep breath, he turned and walked toward Carver’s open door, leaving Myra shouting insults behind him.

A couple of faces appeared, drawn by the raised voices. A small cluster of students and staff had begun to form in the hall.

The security guard had shown up and was trying to herd her to the exit. “Miss Waxman. Please, Miss Waxman….”

Carver stood between Myra and Josh. “You’re not helping yourself, Myra. There will be a review of your behavior, and this kind of—”

“You worthless faggot!” she spat behind him.

Vicky gasped. A trio of high school girls stopped in the hall and drifted closer to rubberneck.

Seeing red, Josh turned then. “Say it to my face.”

“You heard.” Myra stood there looking triumphant yet terrified, like she expected him to hit her but also wanted exactly that. “Corrupting children and glorifying perversion with that trashy reprobate. His father was a drunk. His mother was a maid. From Mexico!”

“Venezuela,” Josh muttered, holding it together for the moment.

The crowd was angry now, their faces shocked and souring. Even if they thought those things, no bigot wanted to get caught saying them out loud. Even the assholes knew how dumb and evil it sounded.

“I’ve been kind to you, Myra. I’ve helped you.” Josh strode toward her, rage roiling through him, but he kept his voice low. “I won’t press charges, but I will make certain you never work in a school again. Never.”

“Josh.” Carver grabbed his arm. “Don’t engage. She’s not worth it.”

Josh shook him off, unable to stop now that the truth had started to trickle out of him. “Bigotry has no place in a school. You don’t give a crap about kids or books. That’s an excuse. You’re angry, Myra. You’re jealous. Because of your empty, withered, pathetic life.”

Someone else was trying to tug him back, to make him calm, but he shook them all off. His voice slid out of him like a sword, deadly calm and right in Myra’s blotchy, blushing face.

“You people,” Myra sputtered, breathing fast and trying to backpedal. “This is the work of that godless library.”

“Whose god, Myra? I know facts are inconvenient for you, but throughout all of history, the good guys have never banned or burned books. The Nazis did. The Confederacy. Stalin. Slavers and rapists.” He looked her up and down. “Well, if the shoe fits.”

“How dare you—”

The security guard took Myra’s arm and tugged at her, but she braced herself and wouldn’t budge.

“An ugly hypocrite and a disgrace,” Josh said. “Leering at me and fondling me in the halls for the past six years. I didn’t file a complaint because I felt sorry for you.”

“I won’t stand here and be insulted by the likes of you!” Myra shouted.

“How can I insult you? Your life is an insult to everything decent. Look at you. The full pathetic horror of you.” He gestured at himself, at his own face. “This is pity. I’m sorry for you.” He shook his head. “You’re so jealous of Tyler’s success, of him trying to help this school, of our happiness, that you chained yourself to him in print, praying for a Fox News segment and masturbating over the misery you made. Desperate. Ugly. Pathetic.”

One of the shocked kids in the doorway nodded. “Boom.” A father next to her looked genuinely startled but didn’t move.

Myra’s eyes watered, but she didn’t so much as blink.

Carver took a tentative step toward him, but no way was he letting her walk away from this in one piece.

Josh squared his shoulders. “This ‘worthless faggot’ has met plenty of empty, envious hypocrites like you. You’re the kind of hideous fraud that cripples lives, that makes innocent kids run away or kill themselves.” He slapped his chest. “I could’ve been one of those kids, but I got lucky.”

He couldn’t stop himself, despite Carver’s panicked face, despite the security guard’s gentle hand on his back. He knew they wanted to help. He knew they couldn’t.

The crowd had grown further, watching in horrified fascination as his rage crested. His anger and anxiety flooded out of him in a horrible torrent of undiluted clarity. “You think they don’t know what you do in the dark? All these smart people?”

Myra seemed to realize that a large mob now stood watching her abject humiliation, wishing her harm. She turned, peering at them with watery eyes, as if expecting a rescue, but there were no takers.

“Worthless? Faggot?” Josh nodded. His voice got no louder, but he leaned in to make sure she heard every ugly syllable. “Just know this, Myra. You are loathed. The kids. The parents. Whether they tell you or not, every person you meet detests you. They wash their hands when you touch them. Everyone standing in this room right now. Look at their faces. You repulse them.”

The gathered crowd was silent, eyeing her like they might something runny in a bedpan. She gulped, breathing hard, as though she was trying to make herself hyperventilate.

“Know that every time you step out in public that people you don’t even know will cross the street to escape. That random strangers will spit on your shadow until they can piss on your grave.” Josh stopped, breathless and exhausted as though he had vomited up something jagged. “A parasite.”

Myra quivered before him, her wet lips buckling as she tried to face him and not flinch.

“That’s the problem with envy, Myra. You drank poison, wishing everyone else would die. Except nobody’s dying to make you happy. No one will ever even care. Because you are”—he whispered, stretching the word to make it last—“worthless.”

At that she rocked back on her heels and fled.

She moved so fast that she knocked into Mr. Chan and then backed into a junior hall monitor chewing gum, who cackled at her distress until she’d exited the building.

The crowd parted to watch her go and then pressed forward to make positive sounds at him. “You told her, Coach.” Josh didn’t understand why everyone seemed so pleased… and then he realized it meant they all must have seen the article.

This would only get worse.

Breathing hard, Josh sat down suddenly like his bones had vanished. The rage had left behind a strange, sad numbness. He couldn’t quite believe he’d done that, but he refused to regret it for a second.

Carver and the security guard cleared the office of the muttering bystanders and closed the doors.

“Are you okay?” Vicky asked softly and touched his shoulder. Her eyes were red. She offered him a paper cup of water, which he swallowed dutifully. “Can I call someone? Is Tyler home?”

“I know why you did it.” Carver pressed his lips into a grim line. “I wish you hadn’t.”

Josh just nodded. He felt oddly at peace and lighter somehow, as if an ax had been removed from his side, the wound sewn shut. Myra’s hateful words still echoed in his mind, but they didn’t have the same power over him they had. The horrible slithering numbness spread through him.

Carver mopped his brow with a handkerchief. “I’m so sorry, Josh. I’m going to have to write this up. You understand, right? It’s my fault. We should have had her escorted off the property as soon as we knew. This is on me. You need to get home. Let’s get you home. I can have someone cover practice for you. Elise should still be here. Vicky?”

Vicky nodded and dialed the phone.

Again Josh shook his foggy head. “I’m fine. Really. I got to go. I should go.” His feet moved toward the door.

Josh walked out to the parking lot, the last of the buses pulling away. A few stragglers pointed at him excitedly, probably recounting the story: “He told her.” He stood staring up at the brick fa?ade of the high school, the place that had been his second home for almost two decades.

Worthless.

Now he didn’t know if he’d ever go back inside. His outburst might well have cost him his job. He leaned back against the bricks, wiping a sleeve over his hot eyes. He hadn’t realized his face was wet. He must have been crying in there. “Jesus.”

The unfairness of the entire ludicrous situation welled up in a bitter tide. He’d given so much to this place, this town, and for what? To be slandered and threatened for daring to stand up for what was right? The miracle was that he’d stayed calm enough to just say things. He’d never felt that kind of absolute rage. His hands still trembled with bottled violence.

He fished his phone from his pocket and dialed Tyler with shaking fingers. He wiped his eyes in frustration.

“Hey, Coach, what’s up?” Tyler’s voice was warm and comforting.

“Umm….” Josh struggled to find the words, emotion clogging his throat. His mouth felt gummy and raw. “Ty, I…. It’s pretty bad. Can you come get me?”

“Joshua. What happened? Are you okay? What’s going on?” Tyler’s tone sharpened with confusion and concern. “Talk to me.”

“Worthless.” He didn’t know how to start. “Somebody at school made up a bunch of crap about us to the Gazette.” Josh forced the words out.

“I’m so sorry. You called me, I just saw you tried calling me this morning, and I didn’t see it before. Oh man, I’m sorry. I was driving—”

“She didn’t accuse us of crimes, but she implied plenty and worse. Myra Waxman, she said a lot of awful things that the entire town has now read, which was the point.”

“It doesn’t matter, Josh. None of that matters. You’re okay. I’m coming right now. Can you find someone to wait with you?”

“There’s no one but you.”

“Waxman?” Tyler sounded pissed now. His voice went low and hoarse. “Bitch. Is she still there?”

“No. They put her on leave, but as they’re dragging her out, she said something really terrible. And I kind of lost it on her in front of, basically, everyone. Oh my God… I couldn’t stop. I couldn’t stop. I was already so upset because of— Anyways. And I think I might be fired. I think Carver will be forced to fire me. Umm. I’m not doing so great. I don’t know what to do. I just want to get home to you.”

“Don’t move, okay? Stay put. I’m on my way,” Tyler said instantly. “Everything’s going to be okay. I’ve got you. Hey. We’re fine. You’re not getting fired from anything.”

The line went dead, and Josh braced against the bricks, his back against the building, and stared unseeing across the empty parking lot. He didn’t know how anything could be okay again. But he stayed put.

At least Tyler was coming.

Josh waited, watching the sun sink lower and the shadows creep across the asphalt. His stomach twisted into knots as he thought of facing Principal Carver again, or any of his coworkers. He dreaded looking for a new job and uprooting his whole life. He didn’t even know how to move somewhere new, to work somewhere strange. He’d trapped himself in this place out of complacency or cowardice. Worthless.

Most of all, he couldn’t bear dragging Tyler into this stupidity, not after everything Tyler had survived. For whatever reason, he couldn’t stop thinking about Tyler as a little boy swinging that belt. What was he supposed to do?

Overwhelmed, Josh stood frozen in the school parking lot, unable to look at the building he’d staggered out of. Exhaustion and regret swirled inside him as he thought of the danger he’d brought upon Tyler by trying to save the library.

Who cared? Why had he even bothered? Why did anything matter?

Students streamed out of the school, casting curious looks at Josh as he stood in the lot. As a teen he’d felt invisible, and now he felt like a pariah. He didn’t regret one word he’d said to Myra, but he knew Carver would file a report with the board. The end.

Alone and adrift, Josh felt stupid for trapping himself here in this small town. The only thing that shone through clearly was his fear of losing Tyler. Maybe he should just abandon his job and follow Tyler to San Diego. Tyler had made the offer more than once the past couple of weeks.

But what if their fledgling relationship couldn’t survive the pressure? Tyler didn’t need this trouble on top of everything else he’d be facing the next six months.

Josh knew this kind of thinking wasn’t safe or rational. Dark thoughts picked at him like crows until he finally turned and walked across the asphalt, all the way across the lot to the gate and then the road. Despair threatened to swallow him whole.

Worthless.

The day’s events had shaken his world, leaving him unmoored. He stood alone in the street, heart heavy with turmoil. Josh paced and fretted outside the school gates, struggling to process everything that had happened.

He wrapped his arms around himself, waiting for Tyler, the one certainty in his suddenly precarious world. Even so, Josh realized that depending so much on another person, even Tyler, was childish and risky.

Any day now, Tyler was due to depart. San Diego felt like the other side of the planet.

“Please,” he whispered. He walked out into the empty street, staring at the horizon toward home.

When Tyler arrived, he was speeding, and Josh saw the truck from ten blocks away. He just needed to close the distance.

Tyler didn’t even bother to park. He screeched to a halt at an angle and clambered out to get to Josh as fast as he could cover the ground. “I got you. I promise. Come here. It’s okay. You’re okay. I swear.”

Josh fell forward against him, and those powerful arms closed around his back to hold him up and keep him close, pressing their hearts together.