Chapter Eleven

TYLER AWOKEto Josh’s arm draped over his chest, their legs tangled beneath the sheets. He cherished these quiet moments together as before the clock forced them out of bed. A week had passed since their first passionate night, yet it felt like a year cocooned in their hometown bubble.

Tyler nuzzled into the curve of Josh’s neck, dreading his imminent return to San Diego. The season was already half over, and the owners wanted him to make a show of strength before the Super Bowl stole everyone’s thunder. How could he bear leaving this, leaving Josh behind?

His career itself felt precarious. Thirty-three years old on the gridiron felt different than twenty or twenty-five. The injuries hit him worse. He healed slower; he made mistakes. Anyone in the league could tell you why guys got out so young. Head injuries and joint problems did a number on your long-term viability. At its core, the NFL was a business. Cogs in the machine got replaced once they wore out.

Though his cardiologist had cleared Tyler, doubts plagued him. Could his heart handle the rest of the season? Was he making things worse?

Even watching football games now, the violence of the plays bugged him in a way it never had before. Each bone-jarring hit, every player carried off the field left Tyler more conflicted, more unsure.

Yet the outside world would not wait.

Meanwhile, he’d watched Josh wage his own quiet battle to protect the library’s “dangerous” books, pushing back against the pressure campaign from parents and even a few uptight faculty members. Tyler didn’t want to abandon Josh to these fights alone. Just to buy time, he’d requested another couple weeks, another checkup with Reynolds before doing anything rash. He glanced at the clock.

They had to get up in a few hours so they could get Josh to school in time.

When Tyler held Josh close like this, their bodies snug as two puzzle pieces, everything else faded. The past and future disappeared; only this moment existed. And Tyler knew with sudden clarity he would cling to it, to Joshua, for as long as fate allowed.

Beside him, Josh stirred. “Hi.”

“Hey, handsome. Mmmh.” Tyler squeezed him and kissed the top of his mussed head. “Five more minutes.”

For the past week, they’d fallen into an easy rhythm.

Each morning after a quick breakfast, Tyler drove Josh to work in Josh’s truck. They’d run side by side at the track as the mist burned off and then part at the truck before the first bell. Then Josh spent the day at Hamilton coaching and teaching while Tyler went back to Nadia’s to work the phones and charmed volunteers for the book-ban battle. On Tuesdays and Thursdays he saw his therapist, which he didn’t dread anymore. Then at day’s end, Tyler would pick Josh up and squire him home.

Principal Carver had really stepped up with their library campaign. As soon as Tyler had offered himself as a public face for the literacy drive, Carver had given him permission to organize media coverage, a book-club crawl, the story adoption drive, and the library lock-in for next month.

The past couple of days, Tyler had called in favors wrangling signed swag for auctions and videos from friends in the NFL. He’d visited other school libraries in the area to shake hands and meet students. Nadia had built them a snazzy web page. He’d even gotten the Swells to donate thirty grand to improve internet access and fund five years of Overdrive e-book service for the whole valley’s school district. Out in the boonies, the web was critical.

For any pro teams, literacy was a perfect cause. For the players, it took an hour tops. For the locals, the lure of big names had made the book bans look twisted and pathetic. The celebs looked civilized and sensitive. And books, above all else, were far more inexpensive than things like surgery or vehicles. Tyler pressed as many NFL players into service as he could. He kept supplying the local media photos of hunky jocks recommending their favorite thrillers, romances, and fantasy series. The press ate it up.

As a result, Tyler hadn’t slept in his own bed once this week, which Nadia encouraged shamelessly. She knew Tyler’s time in Cinnamar was limited, so he and Josh needed to maximize their remaining days and nights together before reality intervened. The ticking clock made him feel possessive and short-tempered with everyone else.

Today he’d seen his therapist and talked with Dr. Bailey about the future with Josh—which felt great—in between other stuff that wasn’t so great. Therapy hadn’t turned out anything like he’d imagined. It helped, but it rattled him too, stirring the foul goop at the bottom of his pond.

When he picked up Josh from Hamilton, he was able to confirm another forty-two attendees for the lock-in and a snarky “halftime” video from a trio of Steelers who owed him a solid.

Tonight they cooked together again, this time Tyler chopping olives while Josh sautéed chicken and lemon in a sizzling pan. Lots of laughter and a bottle of cheap pinot. Their mouths met between tastes, savoring every second. After dinner, they lay entwined on the couch pretending to watch a superhero flick, but mostly enjoying being close and quiet.

They fooled around, had another shower, and eventually drifted to bed… not tired but knowing they needed to be up early. They moved slowly around Josh’s bedroom, talking and chuckling as they tried to make the time stretch.

Tick-tock.

As he brushed his teeth, Tyler described the sit-down he’d had with the school up in Ocotillo Heights. Same deal: a couple of pissy locals were trying to get books banned if they showed a kiss or took the Lord’s name in vain, etcetera. Tense, ugly, and stupid attacks on the library. The principal up there had been painfully grateful for Tyler’s visit.

Not long after, Josh climbed into bed. “Well, your day was way more productive than mine. Co-captain drama. Oh, and Elaine Chavez is pregnant. But the big news is the library. After you dropped me off this morning, two weirdos showed up in the parking lot holding a wide ‘Save Kids from Porn’ banner with a picture of Obama, for some reason. No idea.”

Tyler made a face. “That’s the problem with staying out here in the sticks. Book bans and bigots. But I don’t want to give them a win by walking away. Jesus.”

“Didn’t go well for them.” Josh just shrugged. “The wrestlers spent lunch shouting Bible verses and pretending to jerk off till the weirdos left. So naturally Myra effing Waxman came out to make a speech about propriety that only made it worse. And sometime in sixth period, the kids started a TikTok protest.”

“You couldn’t pay me to go back to high school. It’s so different now.”

Josh shook his head. “Not as much as you think. I mean, technology is different. Apps and all. Being out and all. But mostly they do all the same stuff anybody ever did. You’d be surprised. What really changes is us. The kids are just the same.”

“Probably.” Almost absently, Tyler stroked and kneaded Josh’s powerful muscles. “Hard evidence. You’re stronger than I am now.”

Josh’s voice was muffled against his chest. “Your fault.”

“How’s that?”

“If it wasn’t for you, I’d still be a thirty-something beanpole who biked past your house twice a day.” Josh chuckled and tipped his head up to peer at him. “You realize you’re the reason I ever worked out.”

“In high school?”

“Oh no!” Josh laughed at that. “Hell no. Up until you graduated I spent two years pining and mooning after you… and then you went off to conquer the world and I spent that summer in a hole. Inconsolable. Full emo. By then, Nadia knew because… obviously.”

“Knew what? Hold up.” A spike of childish annoyance went through him. “My sister knew you had a crush on me and didn’t say anything for fifteen years? That little—”

“Angel. Saint. She was patient and wonderful. Plus I swore her to secrecy. Dude, I had a crush on her brother and she was a rock. For what it’s worth, she kept your secrets too.”

Tyler nodded. Josh didn’t have any idea what that meant. How could he? Nadia had always kept family business close to the vest. She’d been so young when it all went down.

“Then at the end of that summer, I realized… you’d gone, but one day you’d have to come back. One year, five years… I wanted to be ready just in case. To be visible, worthy. Ugh. That sounds awful. But you really were my hero.”

Tyler squeezed his hand. He knew what Josh was trying to do by spilling the beans like this. “And so you went to the high school gym.”

“Off and on. Or, I tried. The coaches back then were pretty dismissive. The other guys were awful. No, it really happened at college. Freshmen year, I met a cute guy in my anthropology class and joined the swim team.”

“No way! Wet Speedos? Hubba-hubba.” Tyler squeezed his butt with a leer.

“Terrifying. But I just kept thinking, one day I’ll run into Tyler and he’ll really see me.”

“Oh… I saw you. But back then, I was on a mission.”

“Which I didn’t know. I thought I was invisible. The guys at Cal State showed me how to lift, how to stretch. And accidentally I discovered that without much effort I could pack on muscle fast. I got shredded by the time spring break rolled around. Shocked the hell out of everyone.”

Tyler kneaded his arm, his shoulder. “I bet.”

“Then I wasn’t just this skinny nerd because I kept getting bigger. Then I won some meets, fooled around some with my buddies. I went on a couple so-so dates. Apparently muscle doesn’t solve everything. I started to come out of my shell. Came out to my parents, actually. By junior year, the swim team asked me to be in the calendar, practically naked, I should add.”

“I better be getting copies, man.”

“You don’t need copies. You got the real deal.” Josh kissed him. “In the end, I did a whole bunch of calendars. A little physique modeling even. But that was all you too, in a way. Body. Confidence. Calm. I used the idea of you as an anchor and just reimagined myself, my body, my friends, my time… so I’d be ready for you when we finally met properly.”

“Come on.” Tyler squeezed him. “That was all you. I had nothing to do with it. Not really.”

“Disagree. I became an athlete to feel seen. Worthy. I became a coach to return the favor. All because you inspired me and the coaches at Hamilton didn’t. And now look at me. Full circle.” Josh stroked his belly. “Goals make a difference. Approval. Fame. Hope. Anything that kicks your butt, keeps you focused, and greases the wheels is rare and precious. And for me, that would be you, even with a bum ticker and early onset bedhead.”

“Hey.” Tyler reached up and smushed his springy dark hair down as best he could. “I need a cut pretty soon.”

Josh pushed his hands into Tyler’s hair till it stood up again. “Crushes are all well and good, but I’d say we’re way past high school hormones and lusting after a hot jock in the showers.” Josh squeezed him tight. “Although the lusting has only gotten worse.”

Tyler actually laughed at that and wiped his nose, wiped his eyes. “Yeah.”

Josh dropped his gaze. “I keep thinking of things I need to tell you, but then you already know… somehow.”

Tyler’s breath caught at the tenderness in his voice. At the realization that he’d held Josh’s heart all this time but been blind to it. How many things had he missed by grabbing for the brass ring? Ambition made everything else harder to see.

Tyler shrugged. “Puberty sucks.”

“Says you. Piss off.” Josh swatted him and poked his ribs till he squirmed. “Captain of the football team. High school heartthrob. The whole world loved you. Hey, try being invisible. Or weird.” Josh’s fingers trailed idly along Tyler’s arm as they lay tangled together. “I was such an idiot,” he murmured. “Too hung up to even say hello. Pining after the MVP. Pretty lame. You were way out of my league.”

“Hardly. It may have looked easier, but it was just as awful.” Tyler tensed, a knot forming in his stomach. “I was a big, stupid mess in school. I never stopped feeling like a fraud.”

“Are you kidding? You never had to pine. Or fantasize.”

“I fantasized too. About other things. Because I was getting into fights, chasing girls, jerking off in the john. Always scrapping and lying to get respect from people I didn’t respect at all. Doing what everyone expected me to do so they’d leave me alone.”

“Gorgeous, confident, capable. The whole county worshipped you,” Josh said. “Untouchable.”

Tyler laughed at that, sour inside. “I guess it looked like that. Books and covers.” He shook his head, old insecurities rising. “At school, maybe….” He trailed off.

He didn’t know how to make Josh understand. High school had taught him plenty, given him a chance to create a useful image that kept him safe, a fancy escape hatch that led anywhere else.

Josh touched his face. “You know you’re way more than that, right? Forget football; look at all the things you’ve accomplished. You’re a hero to a lot of people, a lot of kids out in the sticks.”

“Maybe now, but big and dumb as I was….” He frowned.

“Hey. Stop beating yourself up.” Josh poked him, frowning.

“Football was my only way out. Beating the shit out of meatheads like me over a ball. My mom hated me getting hurt like that. The violence of it.” He looked down and shook his head.

“You’ll never convince me you weren’t amazing.”

“I don’t think—” His face wouldn’t do what he wanted. His therapist had hinted that they would get here eventually, that he’d have to explain to Josh at some point, but suddenly he wasn’t sure he was brave enough to do it. He shook his head again in mute pain, terrified of how Josh would see him after tonight. “I’m not.”

“Not what?” Josh propped himself up on one elbow, brows furrowing with concern. “What is it?” he asked gently.

“Special. I wasn’t special. Or untouchable.” He sighed and took the plunge. “I was terrified. I mean… violence is in me. Inside me. She knew. My mom.” Tyler pressed a hand against his own chest, over his screwed-up heart. “Ugly. Scary. Bad.” He scowled, struggling to make Josh understand but not sure even now if that was such a good idea.

“Not football.” Josh got very quiet then, his deep blue eyes confused and a little wary.

“No. Well, later maybe, but not like you’re thinking.”

Josh just watched him, waiting.

“My father was….” Tyler took a shaky breath. “Not a nice person. Ever. He hurt us, a lot. My family. And I couldn’t stop anything.” Hot tears pricked his eyes.

Josh nodded, his face tense.

“An honest-to-God monster,” Tyler whispered. “A drunk. A mean drunk and worse, but we didn’t understand that stuff when we were little. Just the hurting and yelling.” He glanced up but couldn’t fake a smile. “He wasn’t home much, and he could be fun, but then some little thing would… set him off. And he’d go after my mom till she screamed.” He shook his head like he could dislodge the memory. “They knew us all pretty good at the ER.”

“I didn’t know.”

“Good. Good. I’m glad. Because that means I played the game right.” Tyler offered a grim grin that didn’t reach his eyes. “High school hero. Big man. What a joke. My therapist said I probably just shut down. Dr. Bailey, I mean.”

“You were just a kid, Tyler.” Josh pulled him closer, holding him carefully and stroking his hair. “It wasn’t your fault,” he said firmly.

“I almost killed him. True story. Bare hands and a belt.”

Josh didn’t react. Maybe he didn’t know how to react.

Tyler took a deep, shaky breath. “One night when I was twelve, he was worse than ever. He had Mom cornered, hitting her again and again while he foamed at the mouth. I just… lost it. Completely lost control. He raised his arm, I caught the belt he was swinging at my mom, and I took it away. Zip. He hadn’t noticed how big I’d gotten. I hadn’t even noticed, I think, until I caught the strap in my fist and just yanked it out of his hands. He turned, shouting ugly crap, and I started hitting him back, with the buckle end. And I meant it. I beat him and beat him until he fell down with blood running into his eyes, until he begged. Then I threw that evil bastard out into the street. I thought I was protecting us, but….”

The room felt dead silent, as though even the moon had stopped rising. Josh’s face was wet too.

Tyler’s voice broke. “He left two days later. Emptied the accounts, smashed the house up, and abandoned us. And Mom, she… she was never the same. We don’t even know if he’s still alive. I assume, but….” He shrugged. “It broke her heart, him walking out. I thought I was saving her, but I just destroyed our family.”

“That’s not true.”

Tyler finally met Josh’s calm eyes, tears streaking his cheeks. “I’m like him, you see. You must think I’m a monster too. But I promise, I just—”

“No,” Josh said firmly. He cupped Tyler’s face in his hands. “You listen. Tyler, look at me. Do you know how young twelve is? You were a little kid. What you did was impossible. You stopped him from hurting people you loved. Your father was the monster, not you.”

“I never wanted to hurt anyone. I think about that belt all the time.” Tyler twisted his fingers together to stop the shaking.

Josh nodded. “Violence. That’s what you meant, before. If you could have talked to someone like Dr. Bailey back then, it might have helped you deal with it.”

“Sucks.” Tyler took a shaky breath, composing himself. “I always figured football would be my ticket out. A chance to do right by my mom and Nadia. A way to prove I wasn’t like that son of a bitch, that I could be something good. And it was, for a while. But now….” His face crumpled, and he looked down.

“You’re okay.”

“It’s just slamming people around because I’m so big and nuts. How am I different?” He gestured at his chest, at the heart ticking like a bomb inside him. “It’s wrecking me. So when they want me back out there, it’s not just my heart holding me back. Here I am: thirty-three, busted up, held together by scars. And I can’t help thinking, is this punishment for what I did as a kid? Karma finally catching up.”

“It’s not a trade. You can’t think that way,” Josh said. “You were a kid forced into an impossible choice. No one should have to go through that, especially not alone.”

“Maybe. But I still wonder if just keeping quiet would have been better. She didn’t mind so much. If we’d suffered a little longer, would my father have stayed? Would Mom have been happier?” Tyler’s eyes stung.

“Don’t do that to yourself.” Josh squeezed his hand. “No. You were so young, just defending your family. You can’t blame yourself for any of this.”

“You make it sound noble. All that blood. They had to sew his face back together. It didn’t look noble when I was twelve.”

“What you did was impossible. Brave. At twelve years old I was afraid of changing in the locker room, and you fought an ogre.”

“Maybe.”

How do you lose years of pain and shame?

“You saved them, Tyler. I have never lied to you, and I never will.”

Dim as it was, the bedroom felt too bright. Tyler pressed the heels of his shaking hands into his eyes and let out a sob. “I didn’t know.”

“Don’t. You did know. You knew what was right.” Josh held him as he wept, murmuring at him. “I’d give anything to take all that back, what he did, but you didn’t need me or anyone. You were strong.”

Tyler took a shuddery breath. “So sorry. What a mess.”

“Listen to me. Tyler? I will never, never think less of you for protecting the people you love.” He kissed Tyler carefully, brushing their lips together.

He got so quiet that Tyler finally looked up into his eyes.

“I love you.”

Tyler’s breath hitched. No. You can’t. You shouldn’t.

“I love you, Tyler Fantana.” Josh held his face. “Every second of every day for most of my life, even when we were apart, I loved you. Even before I had a real reason, I knew. You were it for me. My once and forever.”

“Don’t.” Tyler wiped his face. “I’m not worth it.”

“Tough. Because I will never stop loving you. Not just the smart bits, the sexy bits, or the nice bits. The ugly bits too. All your pieces. Everything you got in there.” He poked Tyler’s chest. “Look at me. And if it takes me the rest of my life to prove it, I’m ready. So help me.”

Tyler scowled. “I don’t deserve that.” He started to shake his head, to explain why that was impossible, but Josh wouldn’t let him.

Josh stroked his cheek. “The only thing that matters now is who you’ve become, no matter what they threw at you. You’ve got nothing to prove to anyone, least of all me.”

Tyler gave a small, grateful smile. “I don’t deserve you.”

He held Josh close, overwhelmed with gratitude, with relief. Josh still wanted him… all the messy, broken pieces, even knowing the ugliness under the surface. Maybe his father would finally let go of him.

“I know you, Tyler Fantana, every rude, beautiful bit of you. And you know me. That’s all. I need you to hear me, because that’s the only thing that matters. No games. Just us.”

Tyler sniffed, then nodded. “Agree.”

Josh pulled him close. “I want all of you. Always.”

Tyler tugged Josh down onto his chest, holding him still for a moment, just breathing together, fitting into each other puzzle-piece close, one heart beating in the dark. This was what he wanted. This was the part he couldn’t explain away or avoid.

The tender silence that he only ever felt with Josh settled over them.

Josh gave a big, contented sigh. “You and me. Whatever it takes.”

Tyler asked, “Josh?”

“Mmmh.” Sounded like someone was getting sleepy.

“I love you too.” Tyler pulled back to gaze at Josh. “So much. Even if you didn’t, I would love you.”

Josh smiled. “You don’t have to.”

“I just wanted you to know.” Tyler chuckled at that. “Jeez.”

“I don’t mean like that. Sorry.” Josh pressed lips to his temple. “Hey, I loved you even when you were imaginary. But real Tyler is a million times better than my fake made-up facsimile.” His smile turned rueful. “I just wish I’d told you sooner. Can you imagine? We wasted so much time.”

“Not wasted,” Tyler said. “Maybe we just… needed to grow into this. To be ready for each other. Live some. Grow some. Time isn’t always a bad thing.”

“Amen. Every minute I get, I get to have with you,” Josh whispered.

“I don’t know what’s going to happen with the Swells. My contract is up soon, but I’m pretty confident they’ll renew. What I don’t want is any of that crap getting between this. Us.” He moved a hand between them. “We talk. We figure it out. We find a way.”

Josh blinked. “Okay.”

“Nothing wasted.” He tilted his head up, meeting Josh’s gaze. “Together from now on. Deal? We’ll figure it out. Promise me.”

Josh kissed him, a sweet and binding silent oath that set the world right. “Deal. Together. Through everything. I promise.” He dragged a firm X over his heart. “Hope to die.”

Here, in Josh’s arms, the past didn’t matter. The future was hazy. What he could see was this perfect moment of being understood and accepted completely.

Tyler knew one thing for sure: they would face each challenge side by side. And with Josh beside him, he could overcome anything.