Chapter 22

Over the past two months, things have started to get better. Dr. K and I have chats one to two times a week, and we finally got the last kid back to her family of those who weren’t sold off.

Lev and Damien wanted to be thorough in checking all of the parents’ backgrounds and connections, and Dr. K helped them a lot with the transitions back home.

I feel like she’s really thriving here with us. She seems happy and has built a lot of good relationships with the kids. They trust her completely, and she is there for them every time they need her.

Damien started taking some coaching from Dr. K and has been helping a lot. Cillian has been in therapy with her too, and the ways he’s grown is nothing short of incredible.

He’s still sarcastic and downright psychotic half the time, but the weight that seemed to constantly press on his chest is gone. We are still struggling with the loss of Aiden, but working through our feelings together has made all the difference.

Lev continues to search for the other camps with Kai’s help any time he remembers new information, but so far we haven't found much.

Kai spends most of his time with us. Between working with Lev, helping out with the kids, and sharing meals with us, it feels like he’s always been a part of this family. My favorite moments are when he comes to my room, sitting with me as I drink my tea and we watch the flame in the garden burn brightly every night.

The first few nights were the hardest, but he always came by. Eventually, it became a chance for us to talk. I learned a lot about him growing up in foster care, and I told him about my past in Ireland, including Enya. He loves hearing stories about us the most.

After the first week or so, I caught Cillian and Boris sitting outside my door when I was telling Kai about how Enya and I would race home from school, taking different shortcuts through our village to try and beat the other.

When we both got too fast, we started doing scavenger hunts along the way. The best day was when we both had to find something that could make noise but wasn’t alive. It couldn’t be as simple as two sticks being tapped together either.

Enya got this look on her face that made me curious as to what she was plotting. When we got back to the house, she was grinning from ear to ear. I showed her the racecar of the boy down the street who let me borrow it. It had sirens and made noise when it moved.

Then, Enya pulled out a chicken shaped dog toy from our neighbor. The toy was hypersensitive and squeaked anytime it was lightly touched or the wind blew the right way. We were miserable and wore headphones for three days straight as the dog played with it constantly outside of our bedrooms in the backyard.

I laughed so hard I thought I was going to pee my pants when Enya showed me the toy. She returned it right away, but she was so proud. She won that day, since she completed the task and got back first.

Winning isn’t nearly as good as hearing you laugh, sis. Those words burned in my mind as I tucked them back neatly into the folder I have been learning to open more often. The one labeled ‘good times with my sister’.

After catching Boris and Cillian that night, it’s been the four of us together, sharing stories.

Right now, I wish I could be curled up in my cozy chair with them around me instead of meeting with Dr. K.

I met with Doc this morning, and he knew I was struggling with the news he gave me. He called Dr. K for me, which led me here. Sitting in Boris’ office in the main part of the house, waiting for her.

“Sorry I’m late.” She rushes in, tying her hair up as she goes. “The bloody cook and I had to have a chat about when you say there is no spice in a dish, it actually means there is no spice in the blasted dish.”

Her eyes widen as she faces me, clearly not meaning to ramble, and I snort a laugh. Dr. K is usually very formal and put together, it takes a lot to ruffle her feathers, so I highly doubt the only problem was the food.

“You okay?” I ask her. She sighs as she sits down.

“I’m supposed to be the one asking you that.”

I shrug, loving when the attention isn’t on me.

“You’re the only one that asks that, so now I am asking you.”

She thinks for a moment, turning her head to look outside before taking a breath.

“Yeah, I’m okay. Things are starting to settle down here with the last of the kids getting to go home.”

“There are still thirty four kids here,” I say, running my hand through my loose hair. It feels nice not having it up in a bun like normal. It’s gotten so long in the past few weeks.

“Doc and I have been looking into ways to create adoption plans for them, but this situation is strange. We need to make sure they’re with the right people, not ones who will take advantage of them. A lot of them have expressed that they don’t know if they can fit in with normal kids, and would rather stay with us until they have time to process everything that has happened to them.”

I nod, knowing it’s been hard for everyone. “They train with Damien and Alexi most days. Boris and Cillian help too, but Evie and I have been pretty adamant about the no weapons policy. It makes me feel like we failed them somehow.”

Dr. K tilts her head. “What do you mean?”

Blowing out a breath, I sit forward. “Well, we were supposed to save them from being child soldiers. Yet, that’s exactly what we’re doing by letting them continue to learn to fight and allowing them to see the depths of the underworld. I’m afraid that they’ll never be able to find a sense of normal now.”

Dr. K must agree because she begins to strum her fingers on her chair, deep in thought.

“I see what you mean.” Our eyes connect as her lips lift. “But we’re still different. Every day they have a choice. They can work on their schoolwork, catching up in learning where they can pick what they find most interesting, then we allow them to train. We’re providing choice and education. I know it is hard to see, but that is healing for them.”

“How so?”

“Think about this. From a young age, they were told that their worth had a price tag. They were told to train to be worth that price tag. But not here. Here, we are telling them that they are worth everything, and we will still provide what makes them feel the most comfortable.”

Sitting back, I see what she means.

“I’m glad they’re comfortable. Akio called me last week when Ami and Ani put their old bunny in the trash. He got them new ones and said they sleep with them every night.”

Dr. K smiles. “I was hesitant to allow them to adopt the girls because of the sheer amount of trauma Ami and Ani need to work though, but they are amazing with them. They celebrate every milestone, every new word, and they even got them a dog so they felt safe at night.”

My heart warms knowing that they felt like they got to complete their family. It might not have been what they originally pictured, but I have never seen Akio and Adrian so happy.

“They deserve all of the happiness, all of them do.”

Dr. K nods in agreement before folding her hands in her lap. “So, are you ready to talk about the news Doc gave you?”

I run my hand through my long hair again, quickly allowing this to be my newest gesture to take a moment to think. When my fingers get to the ends, I pull on them slightly, the pressure reminding me I am still here.

“He said I was cleared for sex again.”

It feels weird talking to Dr. K about sex, but after Doc gave me the update, I think I froze. “My brain and body both just went offline for a minute because I don’t feel ready for that.”

“Your body may be ready, but that doesn’t mean your mind is. Knowing that is a good thing, and I would encourage you to wait until your mind and body are in sync with what you are prepared for.”

I nod at her words, grateful she didn’t just tell me to get over it, or that I’m being ridiculous. She would never say these things, but my mind sure as feck thinks them.

“Let’s work on understanding why your mind isn’t ready yet. Can you tell me how you felt once you came back to yourself in the office with Doc?”

Shrugging, I turn away from her. “Part of me feels like it’s pointless. I can’t have kids now, so what are we even doing? I can’t be a mother, so what am I supposed to be?”

I never felt that way before, but for some reason, I do now. I feel like a vital piece of me was taken away, and I will never be able to get it back.

Stripping me of my choice is like wrapping a cloth around my head and expecting me to breathe through it. I can, but it’s difficult, and it feels like all I do is fight it.

“Nessa, your identity is not in being a mother or even in reproducing. Your identity is who you are outside of the things nature gave you.”

I shake my head because how can that be true? And if it is, who does that make me?

“I’m afraid.”

“What are you afraid of?” She waits patiently, giving me time to find the words. It’s hard to say some of this out loud because I feel like I sound crazy. Yet, I know Dr. K. She would never say that the thoughts that torture me throughout the day are invalid.

“I’m scared it’s going to feel good, and I don’t think I deserve to experience pleasure.” Well, I guess if I’m saying the crazy out loud, I might as well throw it all out there. “I’m scared that when we finally do have sex again, that it’s going to hurt because I lost the ability to do what I should be able to do.”

Dr. K’s blue eyes sparkle as she reaches for my hand. I let her take it briefly before she sits back. There are moments where Dr. K is like a stand-in for my mother, and then she slips back into her professional role. It’s almost as if she can sense what I need when I need it. I’m not a very touchy person, except with my men, but Dr. K brings a sense of comfort only a mother is capable of sometimes. It makes me respect her more and trust her immensely.

“Nessa, you are so much more than a womb.”

“Sometimes it doesn’t feel like it. Sometimes, when I wake in the middle of the night, my hand on my stomach and a pit inside of me as vast as the ocean, I just can’t seem to tell myself I’m anything but that and that I failed.”

“Not allowing yourself to feel the pleasure that sex can bring you is self sabotaging. Boris and Cillian love you. They have proven that they are trustworthy, and what you had before the baby was good. You were happy; you did not fail. Your future was stolen from you. That is different.”

My eyes burn and my throat feels thick. “How is it different?”

“Let me give you a scenario. I’m out on a walk with my dog, we’re on the sidewalk and following the rules, yet a car swerves and hits the dog. Would it be my fault?”

My brows pinch. “No.”

“Then how is it your fault that your crazed ex-fiancé shot you?”

Raising my shoulders, I tense. “Because I should have seen it coming.”

“Because you’re obviously psychic with the clear ability to do so.”

That makes me laugh, and I kind of hate her for it. Not really, but I want to. She has this way of validating my feelings while also pointing out how unreasonable some of them are.

She never tells me not to feel that way, but instead helps my brain learn why it shouldn't feel that way.

“Just,” Letting out a heavy breath I sink back into the chair, “Just tell me how I should be feeling. What should it be like?”

She leans forward and takes my hand. “First, it is supposed to hurt. That pain will make the days seem longer, and the things you once loved feel pointless. Much like you’re feeling now.”

Looking down at where she squeezes my hand, I squeeze back. “Then, you’re going to change. The agony this life can bring upon us is capable of destroying anyone. It can decimate your sense of self, your yearning to live and love. It has the capability to take away everything you are. But, do you want to know the secret?”

I nod my head frantically, needing to know how to get past this as my vision blurs over.

“The pain can turn your life upside down if you let it. But, if you stop and take all of those feelings and confront them, cutting them down at the root, you can grow a garden more beautiful than Persephone herself.”

Tears fall as I look up at her, cloudy vision making me feel like I’m swirling under water.

“I don’t want it to destroy me.”

A soft smile touches her lips as her hand gently squeezes my shoulder. “We won’t let that happen. You’ll have to work for this, but I think I have an idea.”

Taking a few deep breaths, I gain my composure.

“Okay, what’s that?”

“You guys need to take a vacation.”