Chapter 23

Never in my life would I have said I needed a damn shrink. But after two months with this Dr. K lady, I have to admit we need this woman.

I didn’t think it was possible to let go of all the anger and resentment in my life, but man, do I feel light as a fecking feather now. There are still moments where I feel crushed by the lack of control I had for the majority of my life, but it’s so much better than it was before.

I thought saying goodbye to our daughter was going to completely break us, given the way Nessa clung to our bodies when we got back from her memorial. Yet, she surprised me. Hell, she surprised everyone. She hasn’t been perfect, but none of us ever expected that from her.

Nessa has made an effort to be present for everything, though. She makes meals with the kids and helps teach them new things during the day. She even takes some of them on short jogs around the property in the evenings. At night, Kai, Boris, and I settle in her room in front of the window to watch our little flame flicker in the night.

It’s not what I would have wanted for us, but it’s something I have come to appreciate.

Kai and I have grown close. We train together a lot, and even though Nessa, Evie, and Laney try to stop us from training the kids with weapons, we still do. Or at least, Boris and I agreed to train Kai in whatever way he asked.

Kai has gotten pretty good with a knife and has been learning some great sleight of hand moves lately. The kid absorbs information like a sponge. Boris was telling him about how businesses can be both profitable while still fully funding charities. I nearly fell right the feck to sleep.

Not Kai though, no. For a minute, it was like they spoke the same old man language. It freaked me out a bit. What really had my jaw dropping was when Kai pointed out a new strategy for marketing the oil enterprise Boris runs.

Not going to lie, I think Boris loved Kai more than Nessa in that moment. Don’t worry though, I’ll keep that bit just between us.

Truth be told, I love having the kid around and really enjoy seeing the way Boris is with him. He’s not as uptight as he is with me. In fact, he treats Kai more like an adult than he has ever treated me.

I’m not bitter, per se. Okay, maybe just an itsy bit. But not really.

When Boris is happy and thriving, Nessa is too, which means so am I. Kai also seems to be finding his groove with us, and that makes me really happy. He feels like family in the same way that the others do.

“Hey,” Nessa says, walking out of the office. She looks a little better than before when I drove her home from her appointment. I have a feeling I know what it’s all about, but I plan to let her come to me.

“Hey there, Sweetheart.” I stand and wrap her in a hug. I didn’t realize how draining therapy can be before all of this, and I can tell that today was more exhausting than most. “Boris already has a bath drawn for you with your favorites. Why don’t you head over there while I have a little sesh with K?”

“It’s Dr . K,” she says, grinning and looking up at me with tired eyes. “How did Boris know?”

I shake my head, unable to take credit for this one. “He’s your old man, you know how he is. He knows what you need even before you do.”

She chuckles under her breath, leaning into me once more. I pull her close for just a moment, savoring the feeling of her pressed against me. With a house full of kids, it’s rare we get to really be together anymore. I’m hoping that changes soon.

Kissing her forehead, I pull back and tap her sweet arse. “Go get your old man.”

Shaking her head, she walks away and I watch until the very last second.

Hey, once a stalker, always a bit of a stalker.

I enter Boris’ office and grin at K.

“Hey there, pretty lady,” I greet, flopping into a chair.

She rolls her eyes, but I notice the way her cheeks turn a bit pink. I don’t think she likes me, but what woman doesn’t love a compliment now and then?

“Hello, Cillian. What do you want to talk about today?”

I rub at my chin, thinking. We have already discussed my past and my parents' deaths. We talked through a lot with Aiden and even a bit about being in a throuple.

“Can we go a little off script today?” I ask.

“With you, I have never truly felt on script.”

I laugh out loud at her little joke. Okay, I see you, K.

“How’s Nessa?” I ask.

I know what you’re thinking, but listen, Nessa gave K here permission to talk to Boris and me at any point if it would allow us to help her, so I’m not violating her privacy by asking.

Dr. K sits back. “I’m actually glad you asked. She gave me permission to speak about this, which is why I’m going to tell you what I know.”

Sitting forward, I allow my face to reflect how serious I’m taking this. It’s rare for me to let my mask slip and truly show others the mood I’m in, but I trust my buddy K here.

“Doc called me after he spoke with Nessa today and told me she was in a state of mental shock when he said she was clear to resume having intercourse again.”

I figured as much. But what I don’t understand is why she seems afraid. We were good to her before, right? I mean, you heard her screams. She was not faking that. Right?

“Why is she afraid of us?” I ask absentmindedly.

K shakes her head quickly. “She is not afraid of you, she is failing to see the point of being with you intimately now that she has lost her ability to conceive.”

My brows scrunch. “But that makes no sense. We weren’t trying to conceive before, and we were having tons of fun.”

K tries to not roll her eyes at the way I mocked her word choice, but I couldn’t help it. Sometimes she’s so damn formal that it grates on every nerve. I thought Brits were supposed to speak their minds and be sassy.

“Feelings rarely make sense, Cillian. Society preaches to women that their purpose in life is to have and raise children. No matter if she never wanted to have a baby, or even if she did, that pressure is still placed on us all. Mix that with feelings like fear and hesitancy, it can create a toxic combination.”

I nod, knowing she’s right. Society is so arse-backwards. If we helped more women find freedom in who they are, and what they really want, instead of forcing dated western religious ideology on them, I’d swear on my left nut we would all be much better off.

“So how can we help her?” I ask.

“Remind her that sex is not about conceiving. It’s about pleasure and satisfaction. It’s about intimacy and love. It is the tool we use to vent our frustrations as much as it is used to show our care.”

“Wow, that should be on a billboard or something,” I say, only partially sarcastic. This time, I think she might actually reach out and hit me. “Hey, wait, you taught Damien how to use kink to help him take back control in his life. Could we do the same with Nessa?”

Not going to lie, I had zero interest in seeing the shrink until Damien told me about how she’s a real life dominatrix. Apparently, when working with children stopped being possible for her, she dove into the world of BDSM and kink. She has a blog of videos online that millions of people pay to see, and that was how she gained her footing while running from her own demons.

Her whole persona online was anonymous, but it worked well for her. The devil horned hood mixed with the black mask and leather bodysuit was alluring even to me. I wonder if she still does any of that stuff, or if it was just a means to an end for her.

“It could, but practicing those things takes time and is learned best when everyone can trust that when safe words are used, it will never result in punishment or shame.”

I nod my head because, duh. I don’t know a lot about that world, but I’ve dabbled with toys and taken a few shibari classes where it’s important to have safe words.

“I can do that, what else?”

“I will give you some starting points. Exploring a BDSM or kink checklist is typically my first step. After that, build on the things you all seem to have in common. I can send you all an email with the information, and I will give you and Boris a list of affirmations that help people dealing with trauma. Using these when there is vulnerability can help someone heal quicker.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, think of it like this. I told Nessa and you that you cannot heal in the same environment that hurt you. To her, right now, pregnancy hurt her. So, in order to help her heal, try taking her away from that thought process and remind her that pleasure is the focus. It can help her learn to trust your words of affirmation when doubt creeps in, instead of listening to the little voice that tries to haunt her mind.”

Well, holy shite balls. That is fecking genius.

“Okay, let’s do it.”

“Perfect, because I recently suggested you three take a vacation. I think I know just the thing to help her feel better.”

=====

One perk of having a big time ex-mafia don in our relationship is that the funds are unlimited and the influence to get what he wants is effortless. All the man has to do is snap his fingers at someone, and it's done.

Random vacation plans a day in advance? No problem, we already have a room reserved in our private hotel on the beach in Barcelona. Need last second plane tickets? Don’t worry about it, we’ll just take the private jet.

Need some clothes for the hot as feck weather you’re never prepared for? Daddy B has a black card.

And for your information, no, I will never get tired of that nickname. Also, for the record, I have my own money, so I didn’t use his black card for myself. I just used it to get Nessa a ridiculous amount of stuff and maybe like ten new toys.

Okay fine… twenty new toys.

Shite on a pickle. You caught me. I used his black card to get sixty-nine new toys because there is no better number, and I am not ashamed of it, so stop looking at me that way. *heavy sigh* You romance readers are something else.

Anyway, getting back to the story at hand. Get it, because it’s literally in your hands… Okay, I’ll stop now.

With packed bags in hand, we’re heading out to the cars when a frantic voice stops us.

“Wait!”

We all turn to see Kai running towards the door, tears in his eyes. Instantly, I drop my things, panic hitting me the moment he stops in front of us.

“What is it?” I practically growl, looking around for a threat. I see Boris out of the corner of my eye, moving as if to shield Nessa and she grabs at the new gun he got her on her side.

She gave her other one to Kai, and he has had it on him ever since. I think the kid actually sleeps with it.

“You guys are leaving already?” He looks so hurt that I can’t help but pull him into a hug.

“Hey, kid, it’s okay. We are coming back. Besides, I’ve hidden a few packs of Twizzlers around the house for you to hunt down while we’re gone.”

He squeezes me tight, almost desperately. Nessa quickly comes to his side, and he pulls her in too.

“Promise you’re coming back?”

“I swear it. We are just going to go get some time to clear our heads a bit. The shrink says it will be good for us.”

Kai scowls before pulling back to look at Nessa. “Will it be good for you?”

“Yeah,” she says as she puts a hand on his shoulder. “I think I really need it.”

He lets out a long sigh before looking at Boris and me. “If anything happens to her, I will hold you both personally responsible.”

“Deal,” Boris says before I can make a sarcastic response. Which is a shame.

He puts out his hand for Kai, and they shake on it. He finally steps back, trepidation in his gaze. “Be safe.”

“Kai,” Nessa steps forward and threads her fingers with his. “I said together, and I meant it. We need a few days to heal and work on ourselves, but we’ll be back because that’s what family does.”

A look passes over his eyes, but it’s gone when he nods. “Okay. I hope you get what you need, Ness.”

“Hold down the fort while we are gone?” I ask.

He scoffs at me, letting go of Nessa’s hand. “I hold it down even when you’re here. For example, I already found the Twizzlers.”

I hold up my middle finger while picking up my bags, causing Nessa to slap my chest and Boris to hit my head from behind.

Talk about a double whammy.

Kai laughs as he heads back into the house, some of the tension lifted from his shoulders.

“He truly cares for us,” Boris says. “We need to ensure we do not let him down.”

Nessa and I agree as we pile into the car. She has no idea where we’re going or what we are about to do, and I can’t wait to surprise her.

Despite Boris doing most of the heavy lifting, I was the one to make sure the place would be stocked with everything we needed. Dr. K taught me and Boris a few things to help Nessa, and I think this will be a good way to remind her of who she is.

While she carries that confidence that is so damn sexy, it’s like a part of her is still trying to break through a shell. I plan to help her crack every last piece open, so the world can see just how amazing she is.

We board the private jet and are in the air fairly quickly, but Nessa seems to drift off more and more as time passes. It gets to be too painful to watch, so I decide to get out of my seat and kneel in front of her, shooting a pointed look at Boris who’s sitting beside her.

She doesn’t move a muscle, just continues to stare out the window.

“What are you thinking, Lisichka ?”

There is a moment of silence, then she sighs. “How broken I feel.”

Neither of us speak as we watch her, letting her open up to us. When her eyes finally look down at mine, my heart squeezes. There are tears threatening to spill over in sorrow, but also anger.

“What’s the point anymore?” She gestures to her body. “If I can’t have kids, then what’s the point?”

Boris and I exchange a glance, this is exactly what Dr. K prepared us for.

“Sweetheart, sex isn’t just about making babies.” I slide my hand up her thigh, not suggestively, but out of comfort. I want her to know how much I mean this. “Just because you can’t get pregnant, doesn’t mean we can’t try and try…” My hand squeezes her thigh, grounding her with us. “And try some more.”

I grin up at her, and a small smile lifts her lips making me feel proud. Boris leans into her side, pressing a kiss to her cheek. “My Lisichka , do you not know? Pregnancy is temporary.” He places a firm hand on her stomach, making her suck in a breath. “But orgasms are forever.”

Oh my gods, I think I just fell in love with the man. That is by far one of the greatest sentences to ever leave his mouth.

How the feck am I supposed to top that?

A mischievous smirk crosses my features as I look up at her, my hand sliding between her legs. She is wearing soft cotton joggers that feel cool under my touch as I graze my knuckles over her center.

“You do know what they say, don’t you, Love?”

Her eyes are hooded, her pupils widening slowly as I continue my movements. “What’s that?” she questions breathlessly.

Biting my lip, I watch for that hitch of breath as I push a little harder. Once I hear it, I respond, my voice full of lust. “When in doubt, eat her out.”

Her eyes widen even as she lets out a breathy laugh. “Oh, that’s what they say, huh?”

My fingers slip into her waistband as I look at her, seeking permission. She hesitates, so I give her time. When she nods, I swear my body tingles in delight.

We all filled out the lists Dr. K gave us, and Nessa said she’s willing to try some new things, but wants to take it slow.

Working her pants down, Boris shifts her in the large chair so she is straddling his lap as he holds her open for me. I toss the clothing to the side.

“No one will bother us back here, right, Old Man?”

I glance behind us, not wanting anyone else to get to witness this perfect view.

“They have strict orders to only come when called.”

I chuckle under my breath. “Well then, I think it’s time we make our girl come.”

Nessa groans when I lean in, my breath fanning over her perfect pussy. I plan to take this slow, but I’m dying for a taste.

My tongue darts out, swiping between her folds as she lets out the most beautiful sound. Boris’ hand disappears under her shirt as I pull back.

“Tell me you want this,” I say, needing her to use her words, so we know this isn’t pushing her too far. She blinks a few times, taking my words to heart as she checks in with herself.

“Just…just go slow.”

“Hmm, Sweetheart. I could eat you all damn day. If you want slow, I’ll make it last forever.”

Boris chuckles, drawing my attention to him. “Got something to say?”

He presses his lips to her ear, making her head fall back onto his shoulder. “She is shaking for it already. I bet she comes in three minutes.”

Nessa licks her lips as a blush creeps on her cheeks.

“Is that true, Love?”

Tilting her head down, she nods. I take that as a challenge though.

“Look at your watch, Old Man. I plan to drag this one out for at least ten minutes. After all, it’s been so long since someone has allowed me to have any dessert. I think I might have to gorge a little.”

With a wink, I dive in. My tongue licks her from clit to arse, then back again. Boris raises her shirt, so my mouth can dance over her scar, all the way to her belly button.

I circle it the same way I would her clit, teasing her. Her response is immediate, hips trying to push forward as I continue exploring.

“That’s it, Lisichka . Show him what you need. Do not let him deny you.”

Her whine has me all but helpless to obey. Sinking down, I press my tongue into her, allowing my piercing to play along her entrance, right where she loves it.

Within seconds, she is panting, her walls trying to suck me in further, but instead, I sit back and wipe my face, making her huff in annoyance.

“Do you need more, Sweetheart?”

I want her to come out of her shell, to keep chipping away at the pieces confining her to her mind until she demands I give her what she needs.

“Please, I need you.”

Satisfied with her response, I decide to ease some of the ache by sucking on her clit. Her arousal quickly begins to drip down my chin, and I lap it up eagerly.

What can I say, I’m a starved man after all.

I alternate between sucking and licking, keeping her in limbo until the timer runs out. It’s like heaven being between her legs again, but it’s even better when I look up and see Boris playing with her tits, pinching and twisting as she writhes on his lap.

He murmurs soft words, encouraging her, coaxing her out of herself so that she can reunite with who she really is.

It’s like I can see her coming back to us as she comes undone on my tongue. Keeping an eye on his watch, I carefully circle her clit again and bring two fingers up to her entrance. Teasing them there, her hips begin to push down.

“Killer, remind me what you can do. Bring me back to us.”

Slowing my pace, I give her what she needs. Not only the sensual attention on her clit, but my hands gliding around her thighs, centering her here with me.

“I’ve got you,” I say gently.

Her body falls into rhythm with mine, and for a moment, it’s just us. There is no pain, no sorrow. Nothing outside this right here.

Her hands delve into my hair, pulling me closer as she begins to ride the edge of that bliss. That’s when I pull back, grinning up at her with my glistening face.

“You with me, Sweetheart?” I tease.

“Don’t play games with me,” she says, but her eyes are hooded, and I think games are exactly what she wants right now.

Two fingers rub at her center, stroking just lightly enough to stimulate but not enough to give her what she needs. I want her to ask for it, then I want her to take it.

She grabs my wrist, pushing my fingers inside of her as she moves her hips. When she takes control, it’s like a drug. I think my eyes nearly roll into the back of my head from a high only she can create.

Just when she’s there again, I pull my hand back.

This time, she grinds her teeth as those forceful eyes pierce mine. “Give me what I want before I make you.”

Leaning forward, I lick a path up her core while chuckling into her sweet pussy.

“I dare you to make me.”

Before the final word leaves my lips, her legs wrap around my neck, and her hand fists my hair. I can feel her strength in each movement as she becomes more sure of herself and what she wants. And right now, she wants to come.

Even though I know it’s only been eight minutes, I give her what she wants since she asked so nicely. Two of my fingers press into her while a third pushes into her ass. I curl them at the angle I know will have her screaming before rubbing back and forth and sucking her clit between my teeth.

“Yes, yes, YES,” she screams, unraveling on my face like the damn goddess she is.

My fingers are pulled in as she spams around me, begging for more, even when her cum drips down my arm. I give it to her though, I’d give this woman everything.

My teeth press hard enough around her swollen nub that she moans before crying out again. I can see Boris’ hands moving, driving her wild as the two of us bring her to ruin.

“You are so much more than a womb to us,” Boris says softly into her ear. I see her lip tremble as she battles with acceptance of our words.

Releasing her clit, I pull my hand free so my tongue can clean her up. When I sit back on my heels, my hands spread her open and Boris’ fingers tease her red clit.

“Your purpose is so much more than just being a mother,” I say, remembering all of the affirmations Dr. K taught us.

This time, our eyes lock, and she nods in agreement.

“You are strong,” Boris says before slapping her clit, causing her to jolt. I love watching her like this. It’s these moments where I know that even if she doubts herself, I know she was made for us.

“You were made for more than pregnancy,” I say as I stand and unbuckle my belt.

I can see the emotions swirling in her gaze as if she’s fighting her demons’ voices back. Dr. K said we just needed to be louder than them, so I will get a bullhorn if needed. My girl won’t doubt herself anymore.

Boris reaches for my belt, and I hand it to him. Carefully, he wraps it around her wrists like a set of cuffs, pulling it tight before raising her hands above her head and fastening the end somewhere behind them.

“Do you have hardpoints on this plane?” I ask, shocked I didn’t notice them before.

“Even an old man has a few tricks up his sleeve,” he says, one hand palming her tits as the other spreads her pussy lips. Her shirt is pushed up enough that I can see when he pinches her nipple and her hips circle the air, searching for more as he holds her open.

“Are you going to fuck her?” he grits out, clearly needing her as much as I do.

“Is that what you need?” I question, wanting to take this slow enough that we don’t hurt her more. But when blown pupils meet my gaze, and a needy “yes” leaves her lips, my knees go weak.

I drop my pants and fist my aching cock, trying to stave off my feral need for this woman. Precum glistens at the tip as I stroke myself, watching her body beg for me.

“Fuck me, Killer.” Hearing her beg is enough to have the last tether of restraint inside of me snap.

My hand goes to the head of the seat next to Boris as I look her in the eyes and position myself at her entrance.

“Do you need me to fill you with my cum, Love? Do you need to feel full with us?”

She nods swiftly, her little gasps and moans like music to my ears as she tries to get me to push into her. “Please. It makes me remember. You both make me remember the good.”

“Do you want to take both of our cocks at the same time? We could make you so full your body would never question its purpose again.”

She whimpers, and I thrust deep. It’s been a while, and her body has changed with the surgery, so I know I will have to relearn what she likes. I also know that we’ll need to stretch her a good bit before she actually takes both of us.

“Killer,” Nessa growls, her eyes nearly glowing as they look up at me. I keep my pace slow, stopping once I’m fully seated.

“Say please,” I taunt.

“ Please fuck me before I kill you.”

Damn, she is so hot when she’s feisty like this . It makes me laugh out loud.

“Bold words for a girl who’s tied up,” I tease.

Nessa turns her head to look at Boris.

“If he won’t give me what I want, I know you will.”

What a little brat.

Before he can utter a word, I pull all the way out and slam back into her. She gasps, moaning as she exhales, and I can’t help but do the same.

She feels so damn good. Seriously, you’ve got to try this sometime. Just, like, not with my girl.

My hips thrust, giving her exactly what she needs. I abandon all pretense of taking this slow because my hell cat has finally come out to play.

Boris holds her hips so I can get deeper, and when I find the right angle, so her eyes roll to the back of her head, I hit it again. And again. Until tears spill from her eyes as she looks up at me.

But for the first time in nearly two months, I’m not seeing tears of sorrow or grief, these are ones of undeniable pleasure.

Leaning in, I lick them from her face just as I feel Boris’ hand come between us to play with her clit. He knows what her tears do to me, and he’s helping us come together.

Aw, he really does like me.

When a sob breaks through her lips, one of pure ecstasy, I lose my control. Burying my cock deep inside her, I release two months of pent up need.

Okay, maybe like two weeks because I had to get off the other night when she was rubbing her tits all over me in her sleep.

But either way, it is nearly endless. I’m partially shocked it isn’t coming out of her throat by now. There is nothing quite like coming inside of the woman you love. Nothing.

When Boris pinches her clit, she contracts around me, squeezing my sensitive length until I shudder out a breath of pain.

Her body goes limp between us, but we aren’t done yet.

“Open your eyes, Love. It’s the old man’s turn now.”