Chapter 21

I never thought this would be easy. In fact, the reason Adrian and I wanted to try and have our own family in a more natural way was to avoid the heartbreak of this situation.

“When are you going to talk to Dr. K?” Adrian asks as he crawls out of bed and throws a shirt on.

It really is a damn shame to cover this man up, he’s fucking beautiful.

“Right after I’ve had a cup of coffee, maybe some of the good herbs, and a drink or two?” I say, throwing my arm over my eyes and sighing.

The bed dips a moment later as I feel Adrian next to me. I’m about to move when suddenly, my arms are being locked above my head in a vice grip and my hot as hell boyfriend is straddling my waist. I bite my lip, eager to see where this goes.

“Can I help you?” I ask in a husky voice.

He grinds his erection into my stomach. “You tell me.”

Before I can say anything, he leans back, trailing his fingers down the side of my face like he so often does.

“Baby, you have to take this seriously. No alcohol. No drugs. If we really want to adopt these girls, we need to prove to Dr. K we are serious.”

I huff a breath. “I am serious, that's why I need a drink.”

He chuckles before getting up and pulling me to stand at the side of the bed with him. Skating his hand around the back of my neck, he pulls me in for a punishing kiss.

Our teeth clack together in a frenzy. It’s always like this with him, the desperation to show each other how much love there is between us. Our true selves were suppressed for so long and now that we finally have the freedom to show it, it’s like we can’t get enough.

When we finally break apart, we’re breathless and panting for air.

“We’re going to figure it out, baby.” It’s a soft whisper against my lips that fills my chest with a surge of hope. I’m no longer worried that we won’t build a family. I’m worried that we won’t get to keep the girls that have stolen our hearts.

“Let’s go talk to her together.”

Hand in hand, we go to find out if we can create the thing we’ve always wanted. A family.

=====

I knock softly on the door to Dr. K’s office. It takes a second, but eventually, it opens and Dr. K’s knowing glance lands on the both of us.

“Come on in,” she says, but her tone has my anxiety peaking.

It’s like she’s preparing herself to tell us no. Thankfully, Adrian speaks first because I was about to start off with an attitude.

“I assume you know why we’re here.”

Dr. K nods, taking a seat and gesturing for us to do the same.

“I think I do, but I would like it if you could tell me in your own words.”

“We want to adopt Ami and Ani,” I blurt out before my ass has even touched the cushion.

Adrian smirks at me before agreeing with a dip of his head. Dr. K sighs heavily before pulling out her notebook.

“I know you’ve all formed an attachment, and while I would love to encourage that, I’m not quite sure the girls are ready for this step.”

Adrian reaches for my hand and squeezes.

“Can you please tell us what you mean by that? Because what we’re hearing is that we’re not good enough or that something is wrong with us.”

He’s so calm. Adrian has done a lot of work with Dr. K to process feelings related to his family abandoning him and trying to kill me. He has always been the level-headed one. While I jump into things head first with every ounce of my being, Adrian takes it one toe at a time, assessing every inch of water before going deeper.

I think that’s why we make a perfect pair. He knows when to tell me to slow down, and I know when to tell him to speed up. Dr. K places a hand over her heart, her face cracking into a sorrowful frown.

“I’m so sorry my words caused that feeling to arise in you. That was not my intention at all. What I mean by ‘not ready’ is that the girls are still very focused on their trauma. Adoption is hard because the attachment disruption by itself is trauma. Ani and Ami also have several other adverse childhood experiences, which adds more layers to an already difficult situation. Their speech, their minds, and beliefs have all been formed by trauma.”

I nod my head in defeat, knowing what she’s saying is true. I would hate to hurt the girls by making a move too quickly for them.

“I understand your reasoning here,” Adrian says as tears threaten to escape my eyes. Hope really is a horrible thing. “However, I have a counter to your thoughts.”

I tilt my head in surprise and Dr. K pinches her brows. “Alright.”

“These girls have been through a lot and we understand that. We know what it’s like to have your true self suppressed for another’s gain. While the root of their trauma is much deeper than ours, I think that giving them a stable environment to grow and heal in with consistent, supportive adults would be better for their recovery.”

My mouth drops open and Dr. K nods thoughtfully. “You’re not wrong there.”

“We understand they still have healing to do, that they probably always will, and we want to be there for them. Not as white knights or heroes, but as parents who will acknowledge their hurt and their struggle and love them through it.”

I can’t help myself. The tears fall and I wrap my arms around Adrian, practically folding myself into him. He squeezes me back lovingly.

When I sit back, I look at Dr. K. “We have been there for them for a few weeks now, and we want to be there for them through all of it. The nightmares, the speech therapy, and even when they decide to try and scratch another kid’s eyes out for taking their toy. We want to be there, cheer them on, hold them when they cry, and make sure they know they have support for every emotion in between.”

A soft smile crosses Dr. K’s features before she writes a few things in her notebook.

“They are going to need therapy three times a week with me,” she says, pulling her laptop out and turning it on. “I have appointments for them for speech therapy twice a week. It will take me two or three days to draw up the paperwork and finalize it with the system Boris has put in place.”

I stare at her, dumbfounded. “Wait, you’re saying yes?”

She chuckles under her breath as mine all but leaves my lungs. “Yes. Your growth and acknowledgements have shown me that I do not need to worry. Trauma leaves scars, ones that don’t always fade. You understand and clearly already respect that.”

I wrap my arms around Adrian in an awkward side tackle that makes him breathe out a laugh. We are going to be parents. We’re going to have the family we always dreamed about.

“I love you,” I nearly shout, slamming my lips to his.

I’m certain he says ‘I love you too’, even if I can’t make out the words.

=====

I’m glad Dr. K gave us a realistic expectation of this situation because nothing has gone to plan. Adrian and I talked to Ami and Ani, and they agreed to come home with us once the paperwork went through. We told them they could call us whatever they wanted, but they tend to just point to us when they need us.

We couldn’t wait to show them their new room decked out in dinosaurs and princesses. Yet, they seemed scared of everything we got them. I had new bunnies sitting on their beds, but it only made them hold their dirty one tighter.

Every battle for the past three weeks has felt hard won, but I can see they’re adjusting. Meal times are the best. They both love sitting at the table and eating with us. We try to tell them stories so they can get to know us, and they seem genuinely interested.

Bedtime is a nightmare. Bath time goes great, but when we put them to bed, all hell breaks loose. If one of them is crying, the other is huddled in the back of the closet scared. Nightmares take place about every ninety minutes through the night, and I swear this is harder than a newborn.

But we wouldn’t change it for the world.

Hence, why we decided to make a very big change in our lives today.

“Are you girls ready to see your special surprise?” Adrian asks as we walk up to a small building. It looks more like a private home than an establishment, giving everything a quaint feeling.

“Yes,” they both answer together. Taking each other’s hands, they follow Adrian inside while I hold up the back of the group. When their eyes land on their new roommate, they look at us with confusion.

“Girls,” I say as I take a seat next to the very large Doberman, slightly older than Az, “this is Bella, your new doggie.”

Instantly, Ami squeals and runs to the pup, arms flying to wrap around her neck. Bella sits there patiently, nudging her head into Ami’s neck as if to hug her back.

It took a little bit of digging, but we were able to find a dog who was trained as a service animal to help them. Bella works with panic disorders and night terrors. She will warn us if the girls are having issues in the night while also being their protector.

Damien helped me find some excellent trainers who work with service animals, and once a week, Bella will spend time with them to train as a guard dog as well. Adrian and I want to ensure that even if we aren’t with the girls, they will have a protector at all times.

Ani is slower to approach Bella, walking up to me to take my hand.

“Safe?” she questions.

Getting onto my knees so that I’m on her level, I take both of her hands in mine. “Bella will help keep you safe, just like we do. She is going to sleep with you just like Az did, and she’ll help keep the bad dreams away.”

We made this decision after Damien pointed out to us that they always slept best when Az was there. The nightmares weren’t totally gone, but they were much better controlled. Bella will be able to sense their heart rate in their sleep and will lay her head on their chests. According to the science journals we read, it has been proven effective in helping the dream subside and aided in placing a person in a deeper, dreamless sleep.

We’re hoping she can help the girls feel safer too. Adrian and I have been sleeping in the room with them, but an air mattress on the floor cannot be a permanent solution.

Ani approaches Bella, who sits perfectly still as she was trained. When she finally touches the pup’s soft head, Bella tilts her snout and licks Ani’s arm. The girls giggle, causing Bella to continue her licking and nudge their hands with her nose, encouraging more pets.

We wanted to find a dog that made them feel loved while still having a job, so Bella has permission to play during the day and nights will be more focused on work.

It only takes about an hour for the trainer to walk us through a few steps and commands with Bella, the girls falling more in love with her with each passing moment. She really is the perfect fit for our little family.

Bella rides in the center seat between the twins’ car seats, the girls petting her for the whole ride. They don’t stop smiling, even when they both nod off to sleep. It makes my heart feel lighter than it ever has before.

I want nothing more than for my man and my girls to be happy, and this is clearly a step in the right direction.

“You’re glowing,” Adrian says, lacing his fingers with mine. I look over at him, admiring the ways his dimples are on full display, and his shoulders look more relaxed than they have in weeks.

“So are you.”

He pulls my hand to his lips, kissing it gently.

“I’ve got everything I could have ever wanted in life. Why wouldn’t I be glowing?”

Shaking my head, I chuckle. “You’re so cheesy.”

He flashes me a grin that makes me melt. “You love it.”

“I love you,” I agree. “And them.”

“We love you too.”

Once we get home, the girls beg us to eat dinner on the couch and watch Olaf. They refuse to call the movie by its real name, and they love singing all of the songs. We may have seen it fifty times by now, but I can’t say no to their adorable faces.

All too soon, dinner is finished, dessert has been eaten, Bella is cuddled up next to the girls feet while they sleep in our arms.

Looking over at Adrian with blurry eyes, I mouth, ‘Family’. He reaches over to squeeze my arm before kissing Ani on the head.

‘Family,’ he mouths back.

I never thought we would get to this day where everything in life felt complete, but here we are. Every battle we fought, every war waged, and every tear shed brought us to this moment. The sleepless nights with the girls, their meltdowns, them fighting. It has all pushed us to see just how much we can handle.

We see the fear, the trauma response takes hold of them so often. Yet, every time, they search for us when it is over, wanting the reassurance that they are still loved despite it all. And they are, they always will be.

It’s moments like this when the trauma finally takes a back seat and makes all of the fighting worth it. All of the bad feelings are there in the background, but we’ll keep fighting it with them and ensuring that it never wins.

That’s what being a family is. Going toe to toe with the enemy until it learns to never rise again. So even though there will be battles ahead that will challenge all of us, we still choose them. We choose us. We choose our family.