Chapter 20

Working with Dr. K has been much more difficult than I imagined. However, she has brought me a lot of clarity about my life and my choices.

Seeing my destructive behavior and tendency to wash my hands of the people and things I cannot control from a new perspective, has helped me learn what I need in order to cope. One great thing that has come from that is the bonding between my son and me.

“Keep your hands up, Father, or Nessa is going to complain about me hurting your face again.”

Alexi has been sparring with me often. Sometimes, the children will join, but the early morning sessions have been just for us. With him, I am able to test my limits while truly working through my frustrations, and he can do the same.

The training keeps us sharp and prepared, which I realize I have been lacking since taking a step back from the role of a mafia don and handing it to my son.

“Stop shuffling your feet so much, Son, or Evie will threaten my life again when you need to ice your ass from falling on it so hard.”

He grins, I grin in return, and we push each other to the limit. Sweat beads on our brows, our gloves draw blood, and through it all, there is a smile on my son’s face. I am thankful because I feel like we are finally getting to know each other properly. He is letting loose more, tossing jokes at me as we spar.

Then, there are the cool downs. Moments of silence pass between us smoothly. Neither of us require talking in order to feel as if we are bonding, but it still came as a surprise to me that these are the moments where I feel closest to him. We sit on the mats to stretch, drink water, and sometimes discuss where we could make improvements.

As I fall to the floor today, breathless from the intensity of our brawl, Alexi looks over as if he has a question.

“What is it, Son?”

He leans into a stretch, reaching for his feet.

“I enjoy this time with you,” he says.

I smile, feeling the same way. “I enjoy it as well.”

“How is Nessa?”

Taking a deep breath, I exhale slowly. “She is better each day, but she still keeps Cillian and me at arms length at times. Dr. K is helping her though. I trust she will find her way again.”

He nods briefly, switching to another stretch while I do the same. “If anyone will be able to help her, it is Dr. K.”

“I would agree with you on that.”

Clearing his throat, he stops stretching to look at me.

“But, she needs you too, Father.”

Guilt hits me square in the chest because I know he is saying that he needed me too. I was not the best father to him after his mother died, and I desperately wish that I could take that back to give him the life he deserved.

“I know, and I have been working with Dr. K as well to learn how to be a better partner for her.” He looks surprised, making me tilt my head in question. “Why do you doubt me when it comes to the psychiatrist?”

Taking a moment to gather his thoughts, he lifts a shoulder.

“I assume it is because I always thought you viewed yourself as someone who had it all together so I never thought you would allow someone to help.”

His blue eyes that look just like mine stare back at me, reminding me so much of his mother. That was the first thing she said to me, that she loved my eyes. It was easy to fall in love with her when she looked at me as if I hung the moon in the sky just for her.

The pain I felt looking into Alexi’s gaze after his mother was gone was unbearable most of the time. Not only did I fail his mother, but I failed him too. Then, I continued to fail him time and time again. Even now, apparently.

“While I prefer to act composed in front of others, that does not mean I have it all together. I have supported you in your search for aid in your mental health since the day you google searched: Is it normal to not feel empathy ?”

Shock registers on his face, but I think it is time he knows the truth.

“It may have been hard to spend time with you because of my own issues, but I never stopped watching you or caring for you. There were days that work would feel so overwhelming that I would pull up all of the information delivered to me that day from your phone or computer and read through it to get to know you better.”

His face is blank now, that mask sliding over it that we all so easily wear in this world.

“So you stalked me and my devices?”

I shake my head, trying to explain my intentions. “It was never about control or punishing you for your choices. Simply my interest in getting to know you the only way I knew how at the time.”

Alexi watches me carefully before finally speaking. “I never knew you had an interest in me outside of what I could do for the Bratva.”

I try to speak, but he holds up a hand. “I hold no resentment towards you for the past, and I appreciate the way you have accepted my life and the choices I have made for me and my family. You have changed since I left for the island, and I must admit that I feel closer to you now than I think I ever have.”

Relief fills me as I begin to realize that even though I have made mistakes, I am making up for it now.

“Thank you for giving me the chance to make things right,” I say, reaching over to pat him on the shoulder.

“Thank you for becoming a man worthy of being called my father.”