Chapter 10

I don’t think I have any tears left to cry. It’s pointless really, it gets me nowhere and only makes me feel worse. My abdomen feels like a thousand knives are playing duck duck goose inside of it, and the crying only makes my face hurt. My throat feels like a desert, but sitting up to ask for water is too difficult right now.

Breathing is too difficult right now.

A soft knock sounds at the door, and I look up to see Evie and Laney standing in the frame.

“Can we come in?” Evie asks.

“Yeah,” I rasp out, my voice sounding like utter shite.

“Ness,” Laney says, shaking her head. “Has no one brought you water?”

I look at her but don’t answer. Without a word, she leaves the room as Evie pulls a chair to my side.

“How ya doing there, babe?”

Again, I don’t answer.

“Do you want to give up?”

That has my brows pinching as I tilt my head up.

“That’s how I felt when everyone saved me that last time,” Evie says, her voice just above a whisper as if we were sharing secrets. “I told Dr. K I was done a few times, but she never let me stay down for long.”

Evie might not know what it’s like to lose a child, but she knows pain more than anyone.

“Does it get easier?”

She rolls her lips together, then sighs. “Some things do. I won’t lie to you, it takes a while for the pain to fade. The memory of the ache always dulls first, then the scars, but those were harder. Every time I saw one on myself or looked in a mirror, I would relive flashes of my past. The night terrors didn’t help with that. But Dr. K encouraged me to lean on Alexi, Damien, and Lev.”

She leans back in her chair, pulling her feet up.

“Some days Lev has to drag me out of bed and force me to write in my journal, and others I can go on like nothing happened.”

I don’t respond, waiting for the moment where she tells me it all gets better. That one day it won’t feel like this anymore.

“I guess, to answer your question, it gets easier, but life for us will always be hard.”

I look down at the bandage on my stomach and place my hand over it. “I thought I could protect her,” I admit.

“Maybe you did,” Laney says as she walks in the room and sits on the side of the bed.

I want to slap her for the remark, but she bends down and puts the straw in my mouth. When the cool liquid greets my throat, I can’t help but sigh in relief.

“You can think about it like your little girl never got to live, but you can also think of it that she never had to live. She will never know the pain of getting her heart broken, or have to deal with the brutality that exists in our world. She will never be looked down upon or talked poorly to.”

Laney gives me another drink, and this time I adjust the bed to sit up and hold the cup for myself.

“She knew you, your voice, your comfort, and your warmth. And when you see her again, she will have only known the good. Some could argue that is the better of the options.”

That was what I thought when I was thinking of aborting her, so why has my mind changed so much?

Maybe because you let yourself fall in love with her. That voice in my head whispers.

“It still hurts,” I whisper.

Laney places a hand on my thigh.

“Then let it hurt, Nessa. No one is telling you to get up and move on. None of us are ever going to forget that little girl, even if we only had a day to love her.”

“Really?”

“Did you have a name picked out?” Evie asks, and I nod.

“I never got to tell them, but I picked Aiden. I picked it before I even knew she was a girl. It means ‘little fire’.”

I smile as I think of my little redhead running circles around me. Maybe this is my punishment for believing in a future for her. Maybe this was the universe’s way of ensuring none of us procreate in this life.

I never could have kept her safe. I was naive to believe she was ever truly protected, even in my stomach.

Laney and Evie sit with me for a while. I tell them how I didn’t see the shooter but saw his gun. I give Evie all of the details so that maybe Lev can trace it. It was a rare gun, and I feel like I’ve seen it somewhere before, but my mind just can’t connect the dots.

It’s like there is a block in my head where anything traumatic is shut out while I process my new reality.

“Want to tell us why your men are sitting on the floor outside the room?” Laney asks.

I sigh. I already told them about the no more kids thing, but I didn’t tell them that I kicked everyone out.

“I told them to leave after Doc explained I can’t have more kids. I just wasn’t ready to see the disappointment in their faces.”

“Disappointment?” Evie questions.

I shrug. “They were the ones who wanted a baby.”

Laney and Evie exchange a look.

“What?” I snap, hating when they do this. It’s like they have their own secret language.

“They only wanted Aiden because she was yours. I think all they want now is to be with you.”

I look out the window because I’m not so sure.

“Hey,” Evie says as she stands. I don’t want them to leave.

They make the chaos in my heart feel organized. I don’t want the boxes to tip over again.

“Ness, can Alexi talk to you for a minute?”

My head snaps to her because that was the last thing I expected her to ask.

“Why?” Does he want to yell at me for losing the baby? His little sister?

Evie shrugs her shoulders. “He doesn’t process his feelings well, especially when they’re big. I think he liked the idea of having a half sibling; now that she’s gone, he doesn't know how to feel.”

“And I’m supposed to help with that?” I say, pointing to myself.

She shakes her head. “He just wants to talk.”

Alexi has never been one that I have fully connected with. He has some mental health issues I don’t understand, but he has never been mean to me. Even when he had every right to be back on the island.

I know Evie wouldn’t ask this of me unless she believed it would help one or both of us, so I relent.

“Okay.”

Laney hops off the bed before carefully leaning down and planting a kiss on my head. “We’ll be right outside with your men.”

Evie squeezes my hand before they both leave. I hear low murmurs in the hall before Alexi comes in. He’s in a three piece suit with his hair perfectly slicked back, just like normal. But what I’m not expecting to see are the tears rimming his eyes. This is a man I would have put a million dollars on never seeing him cry.

“Nessa,” he clears his throat, but it only makes mine feel tight.

I nod, unable to say anything at the moment.

“I know you and I are not close, but I want you to know how sorry I am for failing to protect you and your child from harm.”

What?

I thought for sure he was going to be the one upset with me.

“Alexi, it was never your job to protect me.”

He scoffs, turning to the side. I can practically feel his body rippling with emotion.

“It was my job to protect my child. If anyone has failed here, it’s me.”

He turns around so swiftly that I almost flinch.

“Do not say that.” He looks so much like his father as he comes to the side of the bed, but what shocks me the most is that he kneels beside me. This man who hates wrinkles and dirt actually kneels on the hospital floor for me.

His elbows rest on the bed, his face twisting with emotions. I’ve never seen him like this, and I have no idea what to do, so I just do what feels right. I take his hand in mine and gently place it over my stomach.

I haven’t even let the guys touch me here, but this feels necessary. When Alexi’s glassy blue gaze connects with mine, I can’t help but let the tears fall.

“If this taught me anything,” my voice stutters, “it’s that we can’t protect everyone. No matter how much we hope for it, no matter how hard we try. We can’t protect them all.”

My hands shake as my breathing becomes erratic. Alexi stands and leans over, pulling me into a hug. The only person I have ever seen him hug is Evie. Something about this action feels monumental.

“You are important to me,” he says before clearing his throat. “I know I do not always know how to show that like others, but please know that you matter to me. If my father ever does anything to hurt you again, I will personally kick his ass.”

I chuckle even though it hurts and hug him back just as tightly as he hugs me. Maybe even a little more so.

When Alexi finally takes a step away, I feel drained. But knowing that I still have my family makes the tunnel I’m in feel a little less dark.

“You need rest,” Alexi says plainly. I nod because I feel like utter shite.

“I will tell the guys they can come in.”

Before I can stop him, he is out the door. Less than a minute later, both of my men are stepping inside. Cillian gets in the bed with me, and I snuggle close to him, inhaling his sunshine scent like a lifeline.

Boris sits in the chair beside us, the distance he created so large I can physically feel it. Even though I’m angry with him, I reach out my hand and he takes it.

I can save my wrath for another day. Right now, I just need them both here.

But it’s not until Kai walks in and sits on the couch that I feel like everything’s going to be okay. He gives me a half hearted smile, and I return the gesture. I am not okay right now, and no one expects me to be. So, I let the feelings run their course and hope that maybe tomorrow everything won’t feel so damn broken.