16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16

Like minds.

I stared at the door, wings rustling. Caleb had gone back to the medical facility to check on Tinlorray and her brain-dead brother. I’d wanted to go with him because, for some reason, whenever he was out of my sight a pit would grow in my stomach and energy filled my veins. I needed to see him. Be with him.

The thought made me swallow and my cock twitch. I looked down. That was unexpected.

“This is not good.”

While not many mediums had lived in our recorded history, there had been enough. More than one had documented the danger of growing too fond of a spirit and hindering their journey.

If I tried to romance Caleb, it would definitely be a hindrance.

Did I even desire to court him?

His contagious smile and laugh resounded through my thoughts. He was always bouncing around, interested in everything, no matter how small. There was an energy about Caleb that had drawn me in from my first glimpse of him.

Could I imagine my life without him?

My knees trembled, and I sank to the couch. I placed a hand over my throbbing soul. I didn’t wish for Caleb to leave. I hoped to court him. No. That wasn’t enough—not near enough. I desired to claim him as mine. It was foolish. It was impossible. Yet that didn’t deter my desires.

In the last few days after I invited Caleb to watch me in hand-to-hand combat class, I’d been flirting with him and allowing him to touch me. The soft chill that swept over me whenever he brushed me was addicting, and I craved more.

Caleb made me laugh. He made me smile. He drew me out of my head with an ease I didn’t understand.

I yearned for him to be mine, even though I knew in the end, we couldn’t be, not truly. This was doomed to end in soul-rending agony.

If I admitted my feelings, especially to him, I could become an impediment to his journey, which was dangerous. If the soul remained on this plane for too long, they faded, slowly disappearing as time passed. It was believed the soul came apart, unable to stay together, and vanished. One of the mediums who came before me had been a spiritual soul who’d written that the vanished soul didn’t pass on to the next plane. They were gone. Ceased to exist.

How could I allow that to happen to Caleb? Yet at the same time, how did I let him go?

The door chimed. I didn’t want company, not in the slightest. Still, I went to see who was here.

“Fyn,” Seth said, hands buried in his thick jacket. Humans must have a warmer planet than ours because Seth usually wore the same cloth jackets that came in a variety of dark colors. Sweat dotted his temple, though. I should ask Kalvoxrencol what temperature humans were used to. While I doubted it affected Caleb much in his current state, I would enjoy knowing.

What I truly needed was to have access to the human database to research for myself. But to be granted that, I would have to tell people of my affection for Caleb, and we were nothing. Not yet at least. Besides, I didn’t know if Caleb felt the same as I did. At times, I caught glimmers of attraction in his eyes or detected the fervor of desire in his voice, but still, I remained unsure.

“Seth, where’s Kalvoxrencol?” My brother hated to leave Seth alone; something I now understood.

“Meeting with the Ranks.”

“Again?”

Seth swallowed. “They want to meet with me. I don’t want to. Your parents are trying to mediate between Kal and them. Hal and Gil are there too.”

Mediation , I thought, stifling a snort. Kalvoxrencol wouldn’t negotiate when it came to the people he loved. Seth was the most important person in his life, and Kalvoxrencol was excessively protective; he wouldn’t allow anyone near Seth unless Seth agreed.

“Did he send you here?” I didn’t mind protecting Seth.

He lifted and lowered his shoulders. I still didn’t know what that motion meant. “I was going to hang out with Urgg, but they’re with their mate. Wyn has meetings all day. Kal doesn’t want me to stay in our apartment alone in case someone comes. He likes to worry.”

“No one, not even the Ranks, would try and force you to leave, Seth. You are safe here.”

“I know. Kal was paranoid about leaving me, though, so I figured I would hang out with you and Caleb.”

“He’s not here at the moment.”

“Oh.” he said, and I motioned for Seth to sit, but he asked, “Can we go to the garden?”

“Of course.” We headed outside as I said, “Caleb went to check on someone.”

“What? He’s haunting someone?”

Not how I would have phrased it, but it was accurate, I supposed. “It’s complicated.”

A gust of air tousled Seth’s short hair, and I wondered if it was soft. Was Caleb’s? It was on the tip of my tongue to request Seth’s permission to touch him so I would know more of what Caleb was like, but that was odd.

I opened my mouth to ask anyway because I was a selfish creature, but I paused. Seth’s expression was tight as he took deep breaths.

“Are you quite alright?”

“What?” he asked, whipping toward me.

“Are you alright?”

Seth released a long gust of air—another human thing I didn’t understand. “No.”

“May I ask what’s wrong?”

His shoulders hunched.

Perhaps I shouldn’t have asked. Guilt prodded me. I didn’t want to be a bother to him; I wanted to help. Not that I was much help. I never helped anyone.

“I have anxiety,” he said in a low voice.

Kalvoxrencol had mentioned that to me.

“To put it simply, my brain sees threats when there are none. I always think of the worst-case scenario or what could happen. I second guess every decision, and making one is extremely hard.”

This I understood.

“I’m fighting my brain,” he said. “Some days I don’t win. Today is a bad day.”

“Did you tell Kalvoxrencol before he left?”

He shook his head. “I didn’t want to worry him.”

I led Seth into my greenhouse. It shocked me that I didn’t mind Seth in my greenhouse. I didn’t even allow Kalvoxrencol in here very often, but somehow, Seth was different. He wandered around, and I allowed him to explore for a few minutes before giving him a metal tub.

Together we plucked dying flowers off the many plants.

“Do you know why my brothers call me ‘Bloom?’” I asked.

“No. Kal’s never said.”

“I’ve always liked plants,” I said. “Even when I was very small. When I was perhaps two, Serlotminden and I were playing in the garden, and he raced over a flower, crushing it. He’s called ‘Speedy’ because he is always running from one place to another.” It was no shock when he became a shuttle racer. “I cried.”

“What?”

I repeated, “I cried. Not small tears, but heaving sobs as I clutched the ruined bloom. I was utterly distraught that it was gone, that I couldn’t help it. Serlotminden tried to comfort me, but when he couldn’t, he fell to the ground beside me and cried as well.”

Seth laughed.

What a sight we must have been. “Dontilvynsan found us like that. He was eleven at the time, and his inner fire had already manifested. He knew from my thoughts why I was upset; I was mourning the flower. Dontilvynsan picked me up and grabbed Serlotminden’s hand. He told me, ‘Don’t worry. This flower will go to the ground and be reborn. In the meantime, I will find you another.’”

“That’s sweet.”

“Dontilvynsan might be the largest of us and a captain in the navy, but he is by far the most understanding.”

“Did he call you Bloom?”

“He did,” I said, gesturing to the plants around me. “I’ve always liked plants because I understand them. They don’t confuse me.”

“I get that.”

“I understand fighting your own mind,” I whispered. “I understand having days so bad you wonder if it’s worth it to continue. If not being here would be easier for yourself and those you love. I understand the fear of every choice. I understand the guilt of every mistake and the worry that you are the worst thing in everyone’s life.” I took a deep breath to steady the rapid beat of my soul and to silence my words. “I receive injections and speak to my doctor, usually, but it doesn’t take them away.”

Seth patted my arm, making both of us uncomfortable. “I know. Kal told me you have… I think he called it moroseness.”

“Yes.”

He said, “You can always talk to me.”

“You as well. I would be honored to keep you company on bad days.”

“Me too.”

“I would like permissions.”

“That’s right,” Seth said. “Friends require permissions.”

“So do family. I’m not physically affectionate, but I don’t mind if you occasionally hug or pat me like you just did. I don’t wish to snuggle or to be touched often, though, especially my tail or wings.”

“I’m the same.” Seth’s eyes darted away from me. “Don’t surprise me, though. Sometimes I don’t do well when I get randomly grabbed.”

Anger curled in my gut as Kalvoxrencol’s words came back to me. Seth had been abused by his caregivers and past partners. A burning desire to shred those people apart and keep my little brother’s mate, my new mate-brother, safe swept through me. Nothing would ever happen to Seth again. Not ever.

“You know Kalvoxrencol will never harm you, right?”

“I do,” he replied. “Trust me, I know.”

I started plucking wilted flowers, and Seth followed suit. We stayed silent, but I felt no pressure to fill the quiet. It was peaceful. Often when people were with me like this, and we weren’t speaking, I had the urge to say something, anything, but not with Seth.

A knock on the glass made me start, but Seth leaped, sending the metal compost bin to the ground; dead leaves and withered flowers littered the moss-covered floor. I patted Seth’s arm and curled my tail around his wrist, squeezing him, then I turned to the doors, expecting one of my brothers—but it was someone else.

“Urgg,” Seth called.

We stepped outside, and the wind ruffled my hair. I hadn’t realized how hot the greenhouse was until I was out in the free air. Urgg was dressed in their usual leather vest and trousers, but they were bright orange which contrasted against their green skin and black tattoos.

“Seth,” Urgg said, clapping his shoulder.

Seth staggered under the hit, but he gave Urgg a smile.

“Zoltilvoxfyn,” they said, not touching me, as I didn’t like it.

“Urgg, what are you doing here?” I asked, peeking around for Caleb, even though I knew he wasn’t present. He had, on several occasions, mentioned meeting Urgg, and now, he wasn’t here when they were.

“I can’t visit Seth? He even pinged me earlier, but I had plans with Talvax, who’s the best and must come first.”

“Naturally,” Seth commented dryly. Urgg was effusive in their love of their mate.

“But then Talvax got called away regarding the Admiral Ven. She tried to get out of it, but she had to go. So here I am for Seth. We’ll eat, we’ll drink, and maybe we’ll break something or spill blood,” Urgg finished with a broad grin, smacking Seth’s shoulder again. When he winced, I tugged Seth to my side with my tail around his wrist.

Seth asked, “Do you have a date for when you and Talvax are returning to the Admiral Ven?”

“Not yet,” they answered. “But she’s hoping soon. She’s bored. My lovely Talvax doesn’t like staying still. I’ve been keeping her occupied, though. Very very occupied.” Urgg wiggled their eyebrows, leaving no doubts about how they were keeping Talvax busy.

“I’m glad you haven’t left yet,” he said, cheeks full of color, and Urgg ducked their head, smacking Seth’s back, making me step partially in front of Seth.

“Ah, you're so nice. After Talvax. She’s the nicest.”

“Naturally,” Seth said again.

I gestured to the path and both of them followed me—talking. It was nice. Seth fit into our family, and I was glad he was here.