Chapter 29

I grabbed a hoodie, not the one Kal had taken since I hadn’t spoken to him yet. I felt petty, ridiculously petty. Kal shouldn’t have to tell me what he struggled with when he wasn’t ready. This wasn’t tit for tat, or I showed him mine so he would show me his. I hadn’t revealed my past because of that. I did it because I trusted him.

Nevertheless, the anger and insecurities persisted. I needed him to tell me, and it frustrated me that Kal wouldn’t share.

“Seth,” NAID said. Last night, she’d tried to get me to speak with Kal while, simultaneously, defending him.

“I know I need to talk to him, and Edith Smith says ‘Anger is corrosive’ and shit, but I’m mad.”

“I wasn’t going to say that.”

“Sorry.”

“It’s okay. I was going to say you’re allowed to have your feelings.”

“Thank you.”

“But so is Kalvoxrencol. Just because you’re ready to open up, doesn’t mean he is.”

She was right. I wasn’t owed his secrets or past because we were together. “But that doesn’t mean I’m not allowed to be upset or that I can’t decide I’ve had enough of this shit.”

Her mouth fell open. “You’re giving him up? You’re going to go home? Leave us?”

My very heart revolted at the thought. I couldn’t imagine leaving Kal, NAID, Urgg, or Wyn, though needing them scared me. It hadn’t taken much time for so many people to become important to me.

“I’m saying I’m allowed to be frustrated,” I finally answered.

“Let me know if I can help.”

“Sure,” I said.

When I stepped into the living room, Kal peeked up from his tablet. He was still wearing my hoodie. The black color looked amazing against his steel-blue scales. I wanted to drag him into my arms and kiss him senseless, but I didn’t.

“Husband, do you want to eat?”

“No.”

His tail flicked and his expression tightened. Lucy headbutted his leg, but Kal didn’t pay her any attention. His eyes followed me as I went to the door. “Are you going somewhere?” he asked.

“I need to talk to Urgg.”

Kal’s shoulders slumped, and his tail hugged his leg. With a long sigh, I moved to his side. I ran my fingers through his hair, but when he tried to put his arms around me, I pushed them away. I didn’t want to be held. He stared at me with sad eyes.

“I’m mad,” I confessed, and it didn’t hurt as much as I’d thought it would. Talking to Kal was getting easier and easier. I trusted him. He wasn’t going to retaliate. “Let me calm down, alright?”

As I stepped into the hallway, Kal said in a quiet voice, “I will be here.”

Urgg and I sank onto stools in the corner of their shop. They prodded a plate of cookies with bugs scattered throughout them like chocolate chips. Swallowing a gag, I ignored the offering and focused on Urgg who wet their lips.

“What’s wrong?” they asked.

“You saw what happened in the training session.”

“Are you concerned for your safety?”

“Kal would never hurt me. What he won’t do is talk. I need to know. How am I supposed to decide to be with him when he won’t let me know him?”

Urgg patted my wrist.

“It’s not crazy. I’m not asking for the impossible. I want a little communication. Is that too much? I don’t think so.”

“Been holding on to that for a while, I’ll wager.” Urgg ate a crunchy cookie, sending crumbs all over their shirt and the table.

I sighed. “I like Kal.”

“Of course you do.”

“But I need more.”

“Which isn’t insane, but he might not be able to give you more, at least not yet.”

“So what do I do?”

“I can’t tell you that,” Urgg said, brushing the crumbs off their shirt, which included a bug leg. “You have to accept it, or decide this relationship isn’t for you.”

That was the question. “So nothing I can do right now.”

Urgg grinned. “Come with me.”

I followed Urgg to the experience shop. Urgg smacked the counter. “Emergency, Vik. I need a suite.”

He tapped a few keys and gave Urgg two poles. “Suite one.”

“Thanks,” Urgg grunted, slapping him on the back. Vik jolted forward, shook himself, then turned back to his tablet.

Urgg ushered me into the suite and turned to the panel, picking something. The walls, floor, and ceiling flickered before the room changed. A cave formed of jagged, red rock appeared, filled with thousands of pots of different sizes, some as small as my fist to ones as tall as me.

“I don’t understand,” I said.

Urgg swung a wooden club that used to be a plastic pole at a pot with a scream. The pot shattered, sending shards all over the sandy ground. They set the head of the club on the ground and leaned on it.

“I come here when I’m angry and have no outlet. Barbarus are a violent species, but we’ve found ways to combat it, usually through rigorous training and exercise, hunting, or mock fights. Here or in other places Talvax has been assigned, I don’t have that. So I developed this program. I come here, break shit, and scream.”

Urgg handed me the club. “No one can hear you besides me, and I won’t judge you. Let it all out.”

My fingers tightened around the weapon. I could feel the plastic stick, but it looked like a wooden club with metal spikes. Swinging the club like a baseball bat, I smacked a pot, which shattered into thousands of pieces. Panting, I looked at the broken pot, then yelled as I smacked another one, “Fuck Kal.”

“Stupid yeast that won’t rise. I shall defeat you and give Talvax the softest bread,” Urgg screamed before hitting another pot.

I raised my eyebrows, but if Urgg wasn’t going to judge me, I could hardly judge Urgg for the things vexing them. Lifting the club again, I smacked another pot and yelled, “Fuck the Crystal that brought me here.”

“Stupid bugs that infest my flour,” Urgg yelled. “I shall bake all of you.”

One by one, we broke the pots filling the cave until nothing was left but shards covering the red sand.

The book on my screen remained unread as I stared at one of my paintings. Seth was still gone, and it was late afternoon. I should’ve talked to him this morning, yet I hadn’t. The fear he would reject me wouldn’t abate, but nor would Monqilcolnen’s words.

I was me, regardless of what the Crystal said. I had always been me. And if I’d been given a choice, I would’ve chosen Seth. I would choose Seth every time. He deserved to know who I was in my past, and hopefully, he would want to share my future.

The very thought of losing him stole my breath, especially if it was from the stupid mistakes I’d made.

A gust of air came from behind me, and I turned. Seth strode in, sweat dripping from his forehead and darkening his shirt.

“Seth, what’s wrong?”

He didn’t answer.

I opened my mouth to repeat the question, but suddenly, I was busy. Seth pressed against me, fisting the hair at the nape of my neck. His lips were harsh against mine, but I didn’t mind in the slightest. I groaned, and his soft tongue invaded my mouth, demanding a response from me. Seth climbed onto my lap, and I grabbed his hips, holding him in place.

“When you’re ready, I will be here,” Seth said, breathing hard. “But I am going to have to know at some point.”

I glowed at his fierce tone. Slowly, Seth had been flinching less and he was steadily becoming less hesitant. I loved it.

He captured my mouth again and drove all thought from my mind.