Chapter 29

29

J osiah flipped over on his bed for the hundredth time that night. His crumpled sheets and the summer humidity didn't help, but it was his racing mind that wouldn't let up.

He didn't know what to think of Colby's leaving. Part of him was overjoyed that the main point of distraction in his marriage would be removed. But another part of him knew it was unlikely Katherine would ever trust him again, so Colby's leaving was pointless. Now, he'd lost not only his wife, but also his best friend and business partner. And he couldn't risk the pain of another broken heart. It hurt way too much.

So why did he keep thinking about her? Why did he keep asking himself, if she would even want him after all this time? He had the papers, why didn't he file for the annulment?

He forced his mind away from Katherine, but where it settled was no better. Managing without Colby was like plunging over a waterfall in a canoe, not knowing how or if he would surface. Staff were coming at him during the day with more problems than he could handle. The only good thing about it was that he didn't have to think about her. Until the night.

Love and hate twisted together in rope-like strength. Josiah loved Colby like a brother, yet hated what had transpired between Katherine and him. He loved the man's work ethic. No one could ask for a better partner. But he hated that Colby could make Katherine happy when he'd failed.

He loved the new man Colby had turned into, so filled with Christian love that he would leave so their marriage would have a chance, but he hated Colby for ditching out on their plans to build the best horse ranch ever. And what was the point of that, anyway, with no heirs, no wife, no reason to slave the day away? Why did he bother?

Loneliness pressed in, sucking the air from the room. He missed Colby more than words could say. So maybe love burned stronger than hate.

He heaved his body out of bed and pulled on his clothes. Though still pitch black, he might as well get an early start to the day. Sleep was impossible.

Katie stared into her full-length mirror as she combed her hair and twisted it into a bun at the nape of her neck. That talk with Pa, and then with Colby leaving, had shown her she must find the gumption to go on. She'd survived sorrow before, and she could do it again.

Her clothes hung on her frame, her dress now at least two sizes too large. She gave herself a long stare in the mirror. This moping about had to stop. The least she could do was help Delilah until the annulment or divorce papers arrived, whichever Josiah filed for. A shudder ran from tip to toe at the thought.

She didn't dare do the bookkeeping for fear of running into Josiah. But she missed that job and the stimulation of her mind more than the rest of her chores put together. The fact that she was good at it and often found ways to save the ranch money only added to her loss.

No matter how Katie mixed the stew pot of her life, she came up with confusion. She'd been relieved to confront Josiah about their dying marriage, but surprised at the pain his suggestion of a divorce brought. Was her sadness the result of failure, or the loss of what could have been? To hear from everyone, including Colby, that Josiah still loved her—everyone but Josiah, that was—added to her bewilderment. How could he love her and part ways at the same time?

Fear nipped at her mind as she closed her bedroom door and headed down the steps. Where would she go? What would she do with her life once the divorce was finalized?

She entered the kitchen where Abe and Delilah were having breakfast. Her hands twisted in the folds of her work wrapper.

One look in her direction, and they jumped up and crossed to her. Delilah engulfed her in a warm hug, and she fought the urge to cry.

"We missed you, yes'um, we did." Delilah pulled back, tears sparkling in her black eyes. Abe stepped in for his own hug.

A corner of her broken heart mended, and she hugged back. "I want to help today." Her voice cracked. "It's not been good isolating myself like I have."

"Praise be to Jesus." Delilah threw her arms heavenward. "And these creaky ol' bones could surely use the help."

Josiah walked into the room as they drew apart, and Katie tensed. But she didn't expect the pained expression on his face, before his mask slid into place and he nodded quickly. "Good morning." He helped himself to a cup of coffee and left.

The slam of the back door sent a tremble to her hands. She hated she'd made him uncomfortable in his own home. That familiar dull ache returned. How long would those papers take? They couldn't go on like this.

Katie waited for Josiah to return from a long day at work. But the moment he walked into the kitchen, guilt washed over her. He looked so haggard. If Colby were still around, Josiah would not be working at this backbreaking pace.

But she had a plan.

Her hands clenched and unclenched as she followed him across the kitchen. A lump stuck in her throat, and she couldn't speak.

He grabbed his plate of food that warmed on the edge of the wood stove and turned to her. "What is it? I can see by the look on your face you have something to say."

She blurted, "Do you know where Colby is?" The question sounded wrong the moment it slipped from her lips.

His jaw clenched and twitched beneath his skin. His brow knit together. "I do not." He slammed the tin plate of food on the table, and his voice turned edgy. "Sorry to disappoint you, but I can't help you in your quest to join him." He dropped his large frame in the chair.

She massaged her temples a moment with her eyes closed. "I wasn't hoping to join him. I…just thought that if you were in contact with him, you could ask him to return. I'm the one who should leave. The two of you need to live your dream. I'm the part that doesn't fit here."

Nausea washed over her. She clutched at her stomach and pressed it down. This was an important conversation. Why did she have to feel sick again? But the sensation wouldn't go away. Instead, a surge of bile rose up her throat. She raced for the door and flung herself out, retching into the bushes at the side of the house.

He was right behind her. "Are you all right? Come, I'll help you." He gathered her close and almost carried her back indoors. "Sit, or do you want to lie down? I can carry you to your room."

The concern on his face was more than she could sort out just now. She shook her head and motioned to the bench beside the table. "Just let me sit."

When she settled, he still stood over her.

She motioned him back. "All this upheaval is causing an upset stomach." She smoothed a hand over her midsection. "It comes and goes. I'm all right now, and we need to finish this conversation." A new rush of tears threatened to fall, but she swallowed them back. The last thing she wanted to do was add weeping in front of him right after she'd gotten sick. She looked down at the floor. "Pa told me my grandparents in Richmond had invited me there. Maybe I could go and find work enough to earn my keep and stay with them."

"Katherine, you'll never have to go anywhere. This is your home until you choose otherwise." His voice sounded hesitant, almost strangled.

She stood to raise herself closer to his level, but she had to grab the table to steady her shaking legs. "But you said you wanted to separate?"

"I have no need. I'll never marry again. The divorce was what I thought you and Colby wanted. I have the papers if?—"

"No." Her answer was swift, and surprised even her.

She gazed at the tall, gentle man in front of her, the man who had become the next thing to a stranger. A little more gray speckled the temples of his thick, russet-brown hair. A few more lines edged his steely-gray eyes, which now held that guarded look she so hated. He hadn't smiled in a very long time.

"I never wanted you to go." His voice gentled. "All I want is your happiness. This is your home as much as it is mine."

She fought to make sense of his words. "One moment you're talking annulment. The next thing, Colby is leaving—and it's all my fault." She rubbed her stomach as another wave of nausea hit her.

"It's not your fault."

The room swayed, and her vision darkened at the corners.

Josiah kept talking. "I think we can all own?—"

"I need to…" She swayed on her feet.

Before she could protest, his strong arms wrapped around her, picking her up and carrying her up the stairs to her room. His strong body next to hers filled her with an awareness she didn't want to feel. He laid her gently on the bed. "I'm going to call Ruby to help you." Then he slipped away.

After the click of the door behind him, her thoughts tumbled one on top of another. He didn't want an annulment or divorce. Did he want to work things out? How far would they have to go to find their way back? Would that even be possible? How could she trust that he wouldn't turn her away again? How could he trust her after what she allowed between Colby and herself?

The next morning, Katie rose from her bed with so much confusion that her head pounded. She was no closer to understanding what she should do, though she had ruminated most of the night.

As she crossed the room, the Bible Pa had dropped off a few weeks prior caught her eye. She paused beside the table where it lay. How could a simple leather-bound book under a thin layer of dust call her name? Her hands quivered as she picked it up and dusted off the cover. She moved back to the bed and sat down.

Hadn't God abandoned her like all the rest? Why should she bother? She flipped open the book. Her eyes fell to, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee. The words gripped her, even as her mind spun. She dropped the book as if it were a red-hot ember, and it bounced on the bed. The pages flipped to a different place. A wash of gooseflesh traveled up each arm. She shivered. It was as if God Himself were talking to her.

She flopped on the bed and ventured another peek. Could God be speaking to her? She flipped the pages until her gaze landed on a note in Pa's handwriting. This is a good scripture to memorize, was all it said.

He'd marked the passage with thick lines. I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the Lord.

Katie slapped the book shut. She closed her eyes, put her arms over her head, and tried to think about something else, anything else, because the words cut into her soul in a way that scared her. They danced in her head like raindrops hitting a tin roof. I will never leave you nor forsake you. I have plans to give you hope and a future. You will find me when you seek me with all your heart.

All your heart.

She pushed up to her feet and slipped out of her room, determined to shut out the haunting message. With another bout of nausea hitting her stomach, a walk in the fresh air would be welcome. She made her way past the hen house and smoke house, then through the orchard until she was standing on her parents' doorstep. It had been a while since she'd visited. Not since before Pa's revelation about the woman who bore her. She was about to turn and leave when the door swung wide and Lucinda ran out to greet her. Trailing close behind was Gracie.

"Katie, Katie." Gracie jumped up and down. Lucinda threw her arms around Katie, and Katie soaked in the sweet hug.

"Ma," Lucinda shouted as she stepped back. "Katie's come to visit." Each girl grabbed a hand and pulled her inside and all the way to the parlor. A stab of guilt pierced her heart at the excitement on their faces. Why had she neglected them?

"You're just in time for some fresh apple pie," Ma said. "Come, dear. We're so glad to see you." The foreign endearment pricked at Katie's heart, and she couldn't mask her frown. Had Pa told her that he'd let Katie in on the secret?

A troubled light stole into her ma's eyes as she beckoned Katie into the warmth of the kitchen. "Our first crop of apples, and you know your pa. He had to have a pie."

Maybe it was best not to talk about it. At least, not now. Especially with the others around. She forced herself to focus on the apple pie her mother held up. Was September already here again? In a few weeks, she and Josiah would be married two years, if one could call it a marriage.

Hopelessness filled her heart. She needed to talk to Pa. She needed a future. She needed to know how to seek this God who could give her hope. If He really could do that. But if not, she didn't know how she would survive the long, dark winter ahead. If all the sunshine and warmth of summer hadn't lifted her spirits, then the cold, bleakness of winter would indeed consume her. A chill of concern swept through her thin frame, bringing a shudder she couldn't stop.

She endured her sisters' happy chatter. Her fork circled the plate, and she played with the dessert, unable to pull herself from the smothering pain.

"Katie?"

Pa's voice snapped her to attention.

"I'll walk you back to the house. The days are getting shorter again, and it's almost dark."

She nodded and rose from the chair, doing her best to summon a smile as she kissed each sister on the cheek, then turned to Ma. "Thanks for dessert."

Ma's eyes shifted to the untouched pie and back to Katie. Without words, she pulled her into a hug, her embrace awkward yet sincere. "Come visit again soon. The kids and Pa miss you. I miss you."

Her stumbling attempt at showing she cared soothed the raw edge of Katie's hurting heart. She tried to smile through the gathering tears and nodded. "I will."

She'd forced her tears back into submission by the time she and Pa walked in silence through the orchard. The pungent smell of ripened fruit bit into the air. The moon crested in the waning light of a clear sky. The first star of the evening pierced the darkening horizon.

She remembered another walk in this very orchard, a first kiss, a warm embrace. Liquid warmth stole across her heart and settled in her soul. If only she could turn back the hands of time and change some of her decisions.

"What is it, Katie girl?" Pa asked.

She sighed. The time had come. She had to face this. "I don't know where to begin." She stopped walking and turned toward him. "I need God. I've made such a mess of my life."

A grin brightened his lined face and he pulled her into a hug. "I have been praying for this moment." He clutched her tightly as a chuckle rumbled in his chest. "I can't tell you how much I've been praying. We all need God, but it's getting to the point of acknowledging that fact that's so difficult." Pa kept his arm around her shoulder as they walked on. "Let me tell you a little about the God I've come to know…"