Chapter 30

30

K atie woke the following day with a lightness in her soul she couldn't explain. She slipped from her bed and swung open the curtains. The early morning light streamed in, and she welcomed it with a smile. Somehow, the weight of her troubles lifted as if she no longer carried them, and, although her circumstances were the same, nothing was the same. The constant despair that had nipped at her mind was gone, and joy bubbled inside her.

She should dress and go in search of Delilah. She couldn't wait to tell her.

Katie rushed from room to room in excitement. Where was that lady? And then, it came to her. Thursday morning was Delilah's bread-baking day. Katie picked up her skirt and ran to the summer kitchen.

Delilah's large frame was bent toward the oven as she slid the well-formed rounds of dough in.

"Delilah."

Delilah whirled around with her hand to her chest. "Land sakes, child. You scared me good. Why you up so early?"

"I have something wonderful to tell you. We now share the same Father."

Delilah's face brightened as if the sun shone right on it. "Well, I be jiggered. Praise be to Jesus." She lifted her arms to the heavens, then opened them to Katie.

She stepped into the warm embrace. The smell of bread dough and lavender soap filled her senses as Delilah held her in her fleshy arms. After a moment, she pulled back. "We're going to have a special dinner tonight. And you tell that husband of yours to show up. Don't you be taking no for an answer either." She raised her eyes heavenward. "Let the miracles begin."

"What do you mean?"

"Sweet Jesus can bring healing to your marriage. Yes, He can." She squeezed Katie's shoulders. "And it starts with that boy joining us for supper."

A new hope flared in Katie's chest. "I'll go find him straight away."

She couldn't explain the boldness, but she wasn't afraid to approach Josiah when she found him in the barn. "Supper is at six today, and I'd like you to join us."

His brows shot up, and she stifled a grin. "See you then." She turned and sauntered away with her head held high and a bounce in her step.

With extra care, she readied herself, requesting for the first time in many months that Ruby spend time on her hair. She needed more than the usual knot she did herself at the nape of her neck.

As Ruby fussed with Katie's rich, thick tresses she huffed. "You'll have to forgive me. I'm hopelessly out of practice."

"You'll do fine. Anything will be better than the way I've been looking as of late." She laughed as joy bubbled in her soul. She felt so alive.

Josiah was not prepared. The dress, the upswept hair—Katie's dazzling beauty sent him reeling. But her smile downright undid him. He hadn't experienced her genuine smile in so many long, cold months, and when she directed it at him like she was doing now, it felt like a hammer slamming into his frozen heart.

They sat in the formal dining area, and Abe, Ruby, Annie, Katie, and Delilah all looked as if they shared a secret he wasn't privy to. "What's the occasion. Did I miss a birthday?"

"No occasion," Katie said. "I've just made a new rule. Starting today, all those living under this roof will eat together. We're supposed to be a family, and it's time we start acting like one."

Was she so afraid he would throw her out that she was trying to resurrect a sense of family?

"As it should be." Abe nodded.

"Hallelujah," Delilah echoed. "And no more special meals kept warming on the stove. You don't show up for dinner, you don't eat."

Even Annie and Ruby's heads bobbed.

"I can see when I'm outnumbered." Josiah raised an eyebrow but kept his mouth shut. Whatever was going on, it was a change for the better. Anything that got Katherine out of her bedroom and brought life into her expression was worth the effort. "I'll have to make some adjustments in my schedule."

"Your bad habits, you mean," Abe said.

"Working like a crazy man has got to stop," said Delilah. They all nodded again like a bunch of puppets on the same string.

"This means every supper." Katie hit him with a dazzling look of tenderness that made his heart lurch. What was he to do with the wild thumping of his lonely heart? Make a good excuse…and fast.

"There's an awful lot to do with Colby gone, and with you no longer doing the bookkeeping?—"

"I'll gladly start back up. I've missed that work."

Oh, great. That hadn't gone the way he'd planned. He didn't want to be thrust working closely together with her, discussing the finances. He'd been glad when, months earlier, she'd refused to carry on with the bookkeeping. Suddenly, she wanted the job back. What was she up to? Why the sudden change of heart?

"Would that be a help?" she asked, her voice and eyes speaking both kindness and hope.

He nodded, but everything within him wanted to run. Weariness sank through him. How in the world would he keep a safe distance?

But why…? Understanding dawned in his tight chest. She hadn't expected Colby to become a Christian. His sudden bout of conscience and consequent departure had spoiled her plans. She no longer had a future wrapped up with Colby, so Josiah had become the default.

No, thanks. Sure, he had messed up, he was willing to admit his part. But he doubted he could ever trust her again or open his heart up to love. And he certainly didn't want to be second best.

She drove him stark raving mad, and he had to protect himself. He stood from the supper table with determination. "Supper's over. Back to work I go." He walked out without a backward glance.

Katie winced when the back door slammed as Josiah once again disappeared after supper, as he'd done for a week now. Delilah shook her head, and Katie sighed. "He simply cannot contain the joy he feels in our company."

Delilah harrumphed as she walked by with a stack of dirty dishes. "Dear Jesus, help me. 'Cause I've plumb near run out of patience. I'm thinking a switch to his behind might be just what he needs."

Katie laughed. "If anyone could do it, you could."

"You run along to your pa's. Annie and I will finish up. That nightly Bible study is giving you the patience of a saint, and with him"—she cocked her head toward the door—"you're going to need it."

Katie sobered. "That's as much my fault as his. I'm truly sorry for all I've done to bring about this mess. I wish?—"

"No wishing. You just pray, and he'll come around. And ask your pa to study First Corinthians chapter thirteen with you. It will help."

"Thank you." Katie planted a kiss on Delilah's chubby cheek and moved toward the door. "I'm learning so much, and now, Ma is even listening in. She keeps busy but is always within hearing range."

"That's how it happens, and the good news is spread."

Katie threw on a shawl and headed out. She loved her evening walk through the orchard in the fresh air. The only downside was that, every night, the memory of her first real kiss, of Josiah's arms around her, reminded her of all she'd lost. A longing to start over with Josiah as a Christian woman overwhelmed her.

You can start over, the Spirit whispered in her heart. I am the God of second chances.

"Time for dessert." Pa slapped the Bible shut and rose from his chair in the parlor. "The girls have been waiting to spend a little time with you. They sure love that you're visiting more."

"I've neglected them this past year."

Pa swung an arm around her shoulders as they moved into the kitchen. "Never you mind that now. We can't look back, only forward." He pulled out a chair for her, then sat down in his usual spot at the head of the table.

Katie smiled at the instant uproar as the girls poured in. "Dessert time," Gracie said, jumping up and down before throwing herself onto Katie's knee. The longing for a little one of her own hit afresh each time she held her sister. She worked hard to squelch that longing. What was the point when she didn't even know if her marriage was going to survive?

"Ma, do you need help?" Katie tried to make herself heard above Gracie's all too exuberant chatter.

"Jeanette is helping. We'll have it ready in a snap."

"I was thinking we should try and get to church on Sunday in Lacey Spring, as long as the weather holds," Pa said. "The singing is a joy to behold. Want to join us, Katie girl?"

Her spirit jumped within her. "That's a splendid idea. You'll come too, won't you, Ma?"

She turned from cutting the pie and shook her head.

Katie rolled her lower lip out, and Amelia laughed.

"You know how I feel about all that religious stuff," Ma said. "When I lost the twins, I lost all hope God cared about what goes on down here."

Pa's face dropped, but he said nothing.

"I'll come," Amelia said.

"You just want to see your beau, Edmund," Jeanette teased.

Amelia turned a bright shade of red. "So what if I do?"

"Now, girls. Whoever wants to come can come for whatever reason they like." Pa winked at Amelia, and she smiled.

The chatter and love of family conversing and eating pie seeped into Katie's heart, filling some of her longings. The past year, she'd given up the dream of having a family of her own, but since she became a Christian, the idea kept pressing in. Did their marriage have hope?

She pushed back from the table. "Ma, you've got to stop feeding me all these yummy desserts every night. My dresses are getting so tight."

Her ma waved her hand. "Fiddlesticks, Katherine. You could eat until the chickens roost and you'd never gain weight. Just like your?—"

"Nope." Katie placed her hand on her abdomen and pressed her dress in to prove her point.

Ma's eyes popped wide. She rose from the table and busied herself with cleanup.

"Should I walk you home?" Pa asked.

Before she could answer, Ma cut in, "Jeb, I need a break, and since you monopolize all the conversations with Katie these days, I'd like her to join me out on the porch to enjoy one of the last warm evenings before she runs away."

The girls got up to follow, but Ma waved them away. "Just the two of us." She pointed to the pile of dishes in the sink. "That'll keep you busy."

"Aw, Ma."

But Ma ushered Katie outside, and the screen door slammed behind them.

"How I remember those days." Katie laughed as she settled in a rocking chair beside Ma's.

Silence slipped over them, and Katie enjoyed the singing crickets, even if the breeze was a tad chilly.

"Did you want to talk about something, Ma? You had a funny look in your eyes, and I know when something's up." She smiled to keep things light and leaned forward in her rocker.

Something in Ma's sly smile gave her pause. "Could you be in the family way?"

The words slapped her backward. A baby? She shook her head. "I had hoped so long ago...but it never happened. And Josiah and I haven't been close for a long time. We uh… It's a long story." A heated flush washed over her. Good thing the lighting was dim.

"Have you been sick to your stomach?"

"My goodness, yes. A lot. But that's from all the turmoil in my life."

"Colby?"

Katie sucked in a breath. Was Ma suggesting that Colby and her…? No. "Colby was part of the turmoil, but we didn't… Never."

Ma's brow creased. "And you and Josiah haven't been together at all?"

A hand flew to her mouth as realization slipped through her. "There was one time a few months ago. But surely that wouldn't do it?"

"I'm a thinkin' it took." Ma giggled. "I know I shouldn't be laughing when obviously you're shocked, but I'm going to be a grandma, and I'm tickled pink." She reached over and smoothed a hand on Katherine's abdomen. "I assure you, with that decided bump on your slim frame, you're in the family way. I'd guess a good four months."

Her heart picked up speed. She'd missed her last few monthly cycles, but she'd blamed it on stress and lack of eating. She clutched at her ma's hand, her knuckles turning white. "You have to promise you won't say a word, not to Pa, not to anyone. At this point, I don't even know if Josiah wants me, and the last thing I need, is for him to pretend for the sake of a child."

Ma squeezed her hand. "I understand. Pa shared how difficult things have been between you two. I hope you don't mind that I know?"

"No, I expected him to tell you."

"I won't say a word, but you have to tell Josiah. Sooner than later."

"I will. I will. I just… I can't quite believe this." Katie rose and paced the porch. "I need time to wrap my mind around it."

"Sorry to say, girl, but time is ticking. Don't wait too long." Ma stood and gave her a quick hug. "I'll go get Pa to walk you home."

Katie soothed a hand down the front of her dress—over the bump. "Dear Jesus." She looked up to evening sky. "A baby? God, I want this child so much, but things are so messy. The timing is all wrong. Josiah is going to think I'm interested in the marriage only for the sake of the child. The truth is, I'm trying to love the man you gave me. I need help."

Her pa's steps came up behind, and she sent him a smile as they started walking.

The churning in her mind would take a while to sort, but there was one thing she knew she needed. "Pa, I haven't told Josiah about becoming a Christian yet. Can you pray for me? I'm not sure where he stands, and I was hoping to show him the changes in me rather than tell, but now?—"

Her father turned a questioning gaze to her. "What?"

"Just pray for me?"

He slipped an arm around her shoulders. "Of course. I always do."

As they walked past the barn, a shaft of light poured through the crack in the door. The urge to talk to Josiah swept over her, and she stopped and faced her father. "I'll see you tomorrow."

He nodded and kissed her cheek.

After he left, she pushed open the entrance. The sweet aroma of fresh hay mingled with the tangy smell of horse sweat and leather. She moved toward the small tack room on the far end of the barn, where the warmth of light spilled through the open doorway. She gathered her shawl tight around her shoulders. A prickle of tension scuttled up her spine, and she shivered.

In the light of a lone candle, with a blanket around his shoulders, Josiah slept in an old wooden rocker. His face, devoid of expression, took on a little boy quality. The usual lines of fatigue and tension lay smooth and relaxed. The urge to wrap her arms around him welled up.

The fact that he wasn't comfortable in his own home brought a lump to her throat and tears to her eyes. How had their lives become so complicated? She remembered the days when he would hurry in from the fields to eat supper with her, and they would talk for hours. Now he slept in a cold barn, in a storage room, as far away from her as he could get.

God what am I to do? She breathed the prayer into the heavens.

Love him. As clear as an audible voice, the words penetrated her being. She stopped and listened.

Love him.

It didn't take much to realize that the command to love her husband lined up with the word of God, but what did this love look like?

Choose to love.

Love was a choice. How strange a thought. Wasn't love a feeling? Yet, the more she read her Bible, the more she learned how God's ways were so contrary to her previous way of thinking. She and Josiah could not go on as they were. One of them had to bridge the ever-widening gap. It might as well be her.

She dropped a feather light kiss on his brow, then turned and tiptoed away.

The sharp intake of Katie's breath woke Josiah from a light slumber. He was embarrassed that she had found his little hideaway, embarrassed to have been caught doing nothing more than sleeping. He kept his eyes closed so he didn't have to face her.

All was quiet now. Had she left? But then the swish of her dress and footsteps moved closer. His heartbeat banged nearly out of his chest. He willed his body to stay calm, but it tripped, skipped, and picked up speed. When she placed a light kiss on his forehead, he nearly gave himself away. The mere fragrance of her closeness stirred his senses. It took all his strength to remain still and not drag her into his arms. As her footsteps faded, his heart rate plummeted, and he wished that it would stop altogether. The pain was too much to bear.

Why had she kissed him? Did she care, or was he just better than nothing? But then why kiss him when she thought he would not know? None of it made any sense.

He couldn't begin to explain the change in her. It was as if someone had taken all her sadness, wrapped it in a sack, and tossed it to the bottom of the Shenandoah River. The new Katherine was confident, talkative, and peaceful. She'd been attractive before, but now—now she was beyond irresistible.

He couldn't sleep. He couldn't concentrate on his work. And he most definitely couldn't handle her intoxicating presence. He felt like a tongue-tied schoolboy when she was near. All the strength he had was used up in that one hour at supper. He would have made excuses to not join if he weren't afraid of her seeking him out and demanding an explanation. At least in a group, he had the power to resist her.

When he asked Jeb about the changes, he'd just smiled and told Josiah to ask Katherine himself. But how could he when he couldn't bear to be alone in her presence? For, try as he might, he had never stopped loving her. And like a mighty wave crashing over a child's sandcastle, one moment alone in her presence could crumble all his resolve.

In the past few weeks, the sweet agony had only increased. Josiah could not escape. He let out a puff of air as he headed in for supper. How would he continue to hold his composure together? He entered the house and slipped his hat on the hook. With determination, he took the steps two at time in a hurry to clean himself up before the supper hour. On top of everything else, he didn't want to take Delilah on.

His room, which used to bring solace, now brought memories of their time together. He slammed his hands down hard on the marble washstand as he looked at the haggard man in the mirror.

Why was Katherine seeking him out, asking his opinion on everything from Sunday church meetings to hairstyle preferences and supper menu ideas? It was bad enough the bookkeeping was a legitimate reason to thrust them together, but did she have to bother him with one decision after another on subjects she never would have concerned him with before?

He ripped a clean shirt off the hanger and threw it on, buttoning with fierce determination. He needed space and distance. Yet he found himself walking down the steps and slipping into his chair at the supper table, piling his plate high with food, and chatting as if nothing were amiss.

After a few minutes of quiet, Katherine's soothing voice brought his focus up. "No more working in the evenings, Josiah. You need time to unwind after a long day of physical work."

He glanced around the table to see what the others thought of his wife's sudden demand. Abe and Delilah nodded in agreement. Ruby and Annie each kept their gaze on their plate.

He raised his brows at Katherine. "I see you broach these subjects when you have reinforcement."

"When I have to." Her voice gentled. "Josiah, you're exhausted. And it shows. We're all worried about you."

He scanned the other faces again. None argued with Katherine's assessment. He remembered how she had caught him sleeping in the barn. How could he logically argue? The last thing he wanted was for her to bring that incident up in front of everyone.

"Fine." He gripped his fork and knife until his knuckles whitened as he ate the rest of his meal in silence.

When he finally pushed his empty plate away, Katherine rose from the table and came around to his chair. "Come, let's retire to the parlor." She held out her hand.

The thought of touching her brought a mixture of fear and longing inside him. He should stay far away from her, but with her standing there waiting for him, refusing would hurt her, especially in front of the others. Surely he could be strong enough to keep himself in check.

He enclosed his hand around hers and stood. The touch of her soft skin sent a thrumming through his limbs. He tried to pull away, but she braided their fingers together and led him to the settee. She sat close beside him, something she hadn't done in a long, long time.

His heart kicked against his chest as he drew in a deep breath, pulling in her scent. He almost reached out and gathered her close before he caught himself and jerked back, ripping his hand out of hers.

"No need to look so horrified." Her voice dropped, disappointment weighing her tone.

He caught a glisten in her eyes before she looked down and smoothed non-existent wrinkles from her gown.

He couldn't let her know there was nothing in the world he wanted more than her. He couldn't risk the pain of another broken heart.

She made that little inhale that meant she planned to speak again. He steeled himself for what else she might ask of him. "I want to let you know that I became a Christian not long after Colby left."

His jaw dropped, and he snapped it shut. "What is it with you all? First Jeb, then Colby, and now you? I believe in God, but I don't have to make a production out of it as if it's some kind of event."

"It's not a production, it's an everyday relationship."

He frowned. "I don't get it. God's up there. We're down here trying to do the best we can. No more is necessary."

"More is necessary. We need to make a choice to ask Him into our lives and then live?—"

Her words had a familiar ring, one that settled a sour taste in his mouth. "Looks like you and Colby will have more in common than ever, he rattled on to me about the same thing. Why don't you go find him instead of hanging around here?" Even as he spoke the words, he dreaded her response. Would she leave him finally? Could he bear it if she did?

Her eyes shimmered with tears. "You're my husband, not Colby."

He couldn't seem to stop himself from spewing more bitter words. "This past year sure proved that, now didn't it?"

She stood. "I can see I've upset you. I'll leave you be."

Against his will, his hand darted out to catch hers before she moved away. "What do you want from me?" He looked at her upswept hair, her glowing cheeks and her oh so kissable lips. He wanted nothing more than to forget everything but the moment and take all she offered.

"Would it be expecting too much to ask for a fresh start?" Her voice was almost a whisper, and she looked at him with so much sincerity he almost gave in.

But that meant trust, and he couldn't give her that. If Colby returned for her, would she be gone in a flash?

He stood, pulling himself up to his full height so he towered over her. Emotion clawed at his gut. "I can't." He shook his head. "I just can't." He cursed under his breath and dropped her hand.

Tears swam in the depths of her hauntingly beautiful eyes. She turned and hurried from the room. He wanted to go to her, and he wanted to run from her, all at the same time.