Chapter 4 - Ash

By early afternoon, everything was finished except the rolls that I had proofing on the counter.I was cutting limes to make limeade when there was a knock on the door. I glanced at the clockas those fucking butterflies flared to life once again. Guess he couldn't live without seeing me earlier than we'd planned. I groaned audibly at myself for the thought as I wiped my hands on a towel, slung it over my shoulder, and made for the door.

Jesse stood there looking like he'd just been delivered by the folks at a mail order ‘pick your perfect man' catalogue. His attire was similar to my own,casual linen pants and a simple grey t-shirt. His arms were loaded down with several bags he'd had to carry the eight blocks to my house from the train station, and his shoulders were straining slightly under the weight. I nervously grinned and stepped back from the doorway, gesturing for him to come in.

My home was a modest one-level, semi-track style build. It was only twenty feet in depth and each room simply sat alongside the next like one long hallway of rooms. The front door opened into a small dining area, with the kitchen the only room to the left. Opposite the front entrance was a sliding glass door that led into theback yard. To the right of the doors, at the tables edge, was a three-quarter wall that separated the dining area from a small living room in which I had an entertainment screen I rarely used, a plush sofa long enough to nap on, and a reading area with a small table and two older, overstuffed, comfortable wingback chairs. Another three-quarter wall separated the living area from the bedroom. The bedroom was small, nothing like the room I used at the office, but the bed was fluffy and comfortable. At work I needed thrusting support, but on my own I just liked to float on a cloud. There was something comforting about that. It felt almost like being held as I slept. Not that I actually knew what that felt like. Small glass end tables were placed on either side of the bed, and a small wardrobe stood at its foot. One last three-quarter wall, this one with drapes to complete the separation, led to the bathroom. I'd splurged a bit and had a large jetted soaking tub as well as a slate shower similar to the one at the office installed. What can I say, I'm a water bug and there is no water nearby. The whole place was decorated in calm sands and deep greens with white accents.

Once in my youth I had visited the coast. At the edge of the world where the vibrancy of surf and sand had met the tranquility of old growth forest, I had found peace. I'd wanted my home to be a reminder of what I'd felt that day. It had taken me several years to fully decorate, and I'd chosen each paint color, each piece of furniture, each painting with care. I'd tried to make the place feel warm, comfortable, and relaxing. I'd wanted it to feel like a home.

I led Jesse through the kitchen and opened the fridge for him. I'd cleared an empty shelf earlier, and he easily slipped the large bags in to cool.

"I'm a bit behind on the rolls, they have a half hour before they can go in to bake," was the only thing I could come up with as I lost myself in his light, happy smile.

He grinned. "You in a hurry?"

"Not at all."

God, I was enamored with him.

As he looked around the room, he caught sight of the limeade. His shocked gaze shifted to mine. "Holy shit, it's just the two of us, why would you spend that kind of money?"

It was the first time I'd heard him swear.

Many things had changed as the world had put itself back together. Energy came primarily from the sun and the wind and the sea. Textiles were mainly from natural, renewable resources, and food was locally grown and sourced. It was expensive to import food from other settlements, so it was unusual to eat anything that wasn't locally available. Limes weren't grown locally. As we had snow and freezing temperatures for a few months during the winter, they wouldn't survive outdoors and while a lot of produce was grown hydroponically and in greenhouses, the amount of greenhouse space it would take to grow citrus - which, let's be honest, is good, but not exactly nutritiously dense - simply wasn't worth it.

I felt my lips quirk into a small smile as I poured him a glass, slipped it into his hand without a word, and gestured with my head for him to follow me. He took one step into the back yard and froze in his tracks.

I'd worked hard to create a sanctuary for myself, and during mid-summer, it wasglorious. I had planted large thin shade trees around the perimeter so that I was sequestered from the world. You couldn't see the city, nor tell that I had neighbors either by sight or sound. Along the center of the back fence were fiveadditional trees. An apple, pear, lemon, lime, and cherry. I took a great deal of time each year to build small temporary greenhouse structures around the lemon and lime to ensure they survived the winter.

The far-right corner of the yard was filled with both decorative flowers and vegetables, and the far-left corner was full of overgrown blackberry and raspberry bushes. Under them was a patch that looked simply like greenery, but was, in fact, strawberries, which weren't grown locally either. I'd always thought they could probably be grown hydroponically without a lot of space, but I wasn't a farmer, so what did I know.

Jesse set his glass down on the patio table and walked toward the plants. He looked back at me, stunned as I followed a few steps behind. I was thrilled that he was so impressed by my collection. He walked up to the lemon tree, and I shivered as I watched his fingertips caress a nearly ripe lemon. I wanted them to move across my skin that way.

"Holy fucking shit…how…I mean…you..." He just trailed off.

I laughed. I liked the way it sounded when he swore. I wanted to hear him swear for other reasons.

"Years ago, I had a very good client who worked high up in the agricultural department. He gifted me a few things over the years before his position took him elsewhere."

Jesse moved from plant to plant, his fingertips tracing fruits and leaves, his smile widening inpleasure at each new scent. He was moving along the trees toward the berries, so I made my way over to the corner of the yard and stretched out on the grass. For a long few moments, I watched him lovingly examine the specimens in front of him. I felt the same way about my view. When he got to the berries, he smiled so wide it must have hurt his jaw as he looked down at me.

"You have berries too?" he asked incredulously as hesank to his knees so close to my leg that I could feel the heat of his body. The scent of citrus floated in the air, and I wasn't sure whether it came from the plants he had touched, or if it was the subtler notes that I'd always noticed clinging to his skin at work. God, I wanted him.

As his fingers delicately traced the ripe blackberries, I plucked a handful and offered them to him. "They're ripe, knock yourself out."

He didn't move to take them. He just looked at me like I'd offered him a pony or a million credits. I laughed, took his wrist, twisted his palm up, and dumped them into his hand. I grabbed a handful of raspberries and deposited them there as well before he could say anything. I shivered visibly and fought thedesire to let my fingers linger on his skin as I touched his wrist. I hoped he hadn't noticed. I stole a berry from his palm and munched it with a grin. He simply stared as if I were crazy.

I laughed harder."They all ripen at once. I make jam with some, but I usually just gift most toclients. Please, take what you want."

He graced me with the most heartwarming, sincere smile I'd ever seen, settled in on the grass beside me, and slowly began to eat them, making exaggerated sexual noises with each one. I had to shift my seat and bend a knee to keep him from noticing what his noises were doing to me. As he was rolling his head around making his berry sex faces something caught his eye and he froze, shifting his gaze lower. He pressed back the greenery, exposing a few ripe strawberries. He looked at me, then at them, then at me.

"You have GOT to be kidding me!"

I leaned over, plucked a couple, and deposited them on the top of the others in his hand.

"I've never had a fresh one of these." In the bright sunlight, his eyes looked like molten gold.

"There aren't many ripe yet but go for it. I'm going to go put in the rolls." I rushed to stand, awkwardly rolling away from him and heading to the house as I tried to adjust myself without being too obvious. The rolls could have waited. In truth, I simply had to stop looking at him for a moment to get myself under control.

I put the rolls in the oven and grabbed his abandoned drink from the small outdoor table as I made my way back. I handed him the glass, now slick and cold, beads of condensation running along its sides, and settled in with my back against a tree trunk, deliberately a bit further from him than I had been previously. He took it, staring at the glass, then at the berries, then at me, back at the berries, and then back at me. His eyes looked glossed over, almost as if he was fighting tears.

"You ok, Jess?"

He just nodded. "You never stop surprising me."

I melted into a puddle on the grass. I wanted to make a joke, but it meant too much for me to push it aside even though I wanted to deflect. An awkward "Thank you." was all I could manage. I sipped my drink and leaned my head back against the tree, enjoying everything about this moment, filing it away and trying not to remember that in a year and a half he'd be out of my life.

Berries eaten; Jesse stretched out in the sun with his hands behind his head. From the corner of my eye, I saw his eyes close, and I let my gaze slide lingeringly along his lean form. His face was gorgeous and peaceful. His body was perfect, and fuck, that bulge, even in its resting state. God damn it, Ash. I was half hard again. I closed my eyes once more and for one brief, stolen moment let myself wonder what it would be like to be with him. How it would feel for him to touch me. For him to be mine.

I was torn from my revelry by an odd smell. I opened my eyes and sniffed.

"Mother fucker!"

I didn't realize I'd scared Jesse shitless as I jumped up and ran to the house. I opened the oven to a cloud of smoke and was throwing the pan ontothe stove as he came through the door behind me looking deeply concerned. When he saw the rolls, he threw his head back and laughedthatresonating laugh that made its way deep into my bones until I couldn't help but join him. We laughed until tears randown our faces and he stepped close, pickingup a black, rock-hard ball. His eyes caught mine as he set it back down.

"Well, it's a good thing you have berries to make up for your baking skills."

I tried to smile, but he was close now. So close. As his amber gaze held mine, suddenly it wasn't funny anymore. Suddenly it was something else. I stood frozen, lost in the warmth that was radiating from his body. He was only a few inches away. I should step back. I couldn't seem to force my muscles to move. I wanted this moment, even just this. Something. Anything. I knew he was my assistant and maybe if I was lucky, my friend, nothing more, but I couldn't help the way my heart sat in my throat.

I was so focused on his eyes that I didn't notice his hand move. Werethose fingers on my neck? Theytraced the line of my jaw the way he had touched the lemons; the way I'd longed for him to touch me. Goosebumps rose across my neck, down my chest, along my arms. They covered every inch of my body. Every nerve ending I possessed lit up by the softest brush of his skin across my own. His fingertips felt them rise, felt the change across my skin, and his eyes moved closer to mine in response. His fingers kept moving as I stood frozen in place.

This probably wasn't real.

Those warm fingers slipped further behind my neck and his palm cupped the side of my jaw,strong and tender. His eyes were closer. Maybe I was still sitting against the tree, and I'd wake up with a raging hard on and see him lying in the grass next to me, asleep and moaning someone else's name. I'd never wanted to hear anyone moan my name before. Clients did it sometimes, but it did nothing for me. It meant nothing. Those amber pools drew closer still.

His lips brushed mine so delicately I wasn't even sure he'd touched me. Maybe it had just been his breath. Warm and gentle and firm.My heart raced and I panted through slightly parted lips. Lips that were touching Jesse's. Time froze aswe stood together. Electricityran through me in a way I'd never believed possible, and Ishifted my weight closer. It wasn't even a movement, just a shift. His fingers tightened in thehair at the back of my neck.

Someone whimpered. God. It was me. His lips moved; soft, slow, delicate. Barely a movement at all. They parted and my bottom lip was caught between his. Another whimper. God, it was me again. I let myself reach out; my fingertips brushing the side of his hip. He stepped closer. His lips no longer touched mine, and suddenly our foreheads were pressed together as we fought to catch our breath. Fuck. I could come. I didn't.

I cried. I felt the tears threaten and I fought them. It was a battle I quickly lost. It was too much. I slowly pulled my head away from his. The golden, happy eyes that smiled into mine darkened instantly at what he saw. I shook my head as more tears fell. In his concern, those caramel eyes had become a deep, endless brown. He shifted his weight back, but his fingers never left my neck.

"Ash?" Was all he managed. Soft, and shaky, and questioning.

I wanted him more than I'd ever wanted anything. But I had no other skills. No way to make a living. Not enough money to retire. I had to keep my job.

"You don't want me."

There was confusion in his eyes now; hurt, desire. His eyes still wanted me.

"No one wants to come home to someone like me, Jess." My whispered words were barely audible.

Honeyed eyes flashed brightly. There was almost anger there. No. Pity.Desire? I didn't know. His fingers tightened around my neck, and he crushed his mouth to mine. It wasall-encompassing and more intimate than any sexual act I'd ever performed. There was nothing other than his lips andhis fingertips digging into my neck as he pulled me tight. I let my arms slip around his waist and pulled his body close, my mouth sliding away from his kiss as I buried my face in the bend of his neck. Both of his arms were around me, holding me close, fingertips wandering my back.

His whispered words rolled along my skin as he spoke against my shoulder.

"I want you. I've wanted you since you opened the door for my interview. I thought it was a crush. I thought I'd get over it. I didn't. I told myself your friendship was enough. It's not."

He pulled away, locking his eyes to mine. Glowing, molten amber.

His fingers dug into my back as he rambled, "I can't apologize enough if you don't want this and I've ruined our friendship, but I think you might want me too. I didn't know it was possible to want someone like this. You're all I think about. In a sexual way, yes, but more than that."

Fingers brushed along my temple to push back a stray lock of hair that had fallenacross my cheek.

"I want to talk to you about my day, every day. I want to brush this damn piece of hair back from your eyes a dozen times a day. Not because the way it's always falling out of place isn't sexy; it is.But because I want to touch you and it's a reason to. I want to lay in your arms while I study. I want to hear about your day…"

He paused and chuckled a bit,"…ok not too much about your day, but I just want...you. I don't care about your job. For Gods' sakes I'm the one that changes the sheets, I know all too well what you do, and I don't care. I want you. I want you. I can't imagine ever wanting anyone else again. I know that is an insane thing to say to a boss and a friend, and I realize I might be fired and friendless now but I ..."

I believed him. I tightened my arms around his back and let my lips quiet his rambling. They moved gently; like either of us might break at anything more. I'd never known this before. Of all the people I'd held, all the lips I'd kissed, none felt the like his. When we finally parted, we were both panting deeply again.

I smiled softly. "I guess Cherie is going to miss our first date."

His fingers wandered my jaw as his eyes smiled into mine. "She is indeed."