Ash

On Tuesday, Jessewas already at the office when I arrived. Nothing about hisbehavior was unusual and I was relieved that what had happened between us at dinnerappeared to be over and we could go back to our professional, yetfriendlyrelationship. Still, I wasn't sure what he'd be like outside of routine business interactions. The way he'd looked at me with something akin to pity had hurt.

I took my time in the shower at the end of the day. His schedule was demanding and when I lingered, he was typically gone before I emerged. I was surprised, and a bit nervous, to see him sitting in one of the wingbacks waiting for me.

He stammered at first, as I'd found he often did when he beganspeaking about something serious. "I …ummm…so…"

I offered an encouraging smile as I settled on the edge of the couch and waited. He paused for a moment, calmed down, and found the words he'd lost. He always found them if I patiently gave him a moment. Seeingsuch a large, strong man in this state was endearing to say the least. I wanted to hug him when he struggled. I wanted to run my hand along his back and kiss his shoulder and tell him to take his time, that there was no rush and no reason to stress. Pull yourself together, man. You don't need to repeat what happened at dinner.

"I had a really nice time on Saturday. I haven't had muchtime to make friends since I got to the city, and I was wondering if maybe you'd like to make it a regular thing. You're a nice guy, and boss or not, I think you'd make a good friend."

Something in my chest clenched tightly and those fucking butterflies made an appearance again. I don't think I'd ever had someone say something like that to me.

"I'd really like that." My broad smile was completely genuine.

He grinned, nodded, and made for the door. "See you tomorrow, Ash."

As the door closed behind him, I sank down on the back of the couch and tried to convince myself he had no more effect on me than any other man. To say I was unsuccessful would be the understatement of the century.

By unspoken agreement, we kept conversation at our new weekly dinners light. I found I greatly enjoyed his company and sense of humor, and while I wasn't the best judge of such things outside of a professional setting, it felt as though he enjoyed mine as well. I spent more time than I'd care to admit trying to convince myself that what I felt when he laughed at my jokes or smiled at me over the top of the computer at work wasn't anything more than friendship. I'd never really had a close friend before, maybe that's all this was. Yep. This was definitely only friendship.

A couple of months later, in the middle of dinner, his suddenly serious gaze met mine.

"Can I ask you a question?" he asked hesitantly.

"Whatever you'd like."

"Do you like what you do?" He looked a bit concerned that I might be offended.

"Actually, I really do. I've always been a pretty sexual person. I enjoy the act, and I like that I'moffering a service people appreciate. The money's not bad at this point either. I figure in seven or eight years I'll have enough to retire."

He looked shocked. "Seriously?"

I nodded.

"You'll be what…like fourty?!"

I laughed loudly enough that several other diners turned to look in our direction."Thank you, but no. I'm thirty-seven now. I'll be edging in on fifty by the time I can manage it."

He narrowed his gaze, and I felt a wave of warmth wash over me as his eyes raked slowly down my body, looking closer than perhaps he had before. "You're thirty- seven?"

I nodded.

"Lord!" He laughed. "You are doing something right. I'll have to start eating whatever you do." He eyed my plate doubtfully. "As awful as it looks."

Iflipped a pea at him, and he threw his head back in laughter. I'd only seen him do that a handful of times. It was a deep, warm sound that vibrated along my skin and resonated in my bones. I shivered as gooseflesh roseacross my arms. I hoped he hadn't noticed.

"Can I ask you another question?" He asked.

I nodded again.

"The first time we came here, Cherie implied the world would end the day you bring in a date."

Fuck.

"You don't date, or you don't bring them here?"

Fuck. Not this.

"I don't date." I said without elaboration.

"Ever?" His golden eyes narrowed in confusion as he watched me closely.

Please don't make me explain. I don't want to see the look in your eyes when you realize.

"I had a boyfriend once when I was like seventeen. But no, these days I don't date."

He looked thoughtful for a long time before asking,"Why not?"

Please. No.

I chuckled awkwardly and attempted to change the subject. "You're just full of questions tonight, aren't you?"

He blushed and dropped his eyes for a moment as he mumbled. "Sorry."

His gaze caught mine, and the ache in the pit of my stomach grew. I felt like I was going to be sick. I tried to tell myself that my fish was a bit off.

"Because who'd want to date me?" My whisper escaped before I could stop it.

"You can't be serious?"

I felt my face soften as I fought to keep my smile light and respond gently. He clearly saw me as his friend, and he hadn't fully contemplated the situation.

I struggled to keep my voice from cracking. Being alone had never bothered me. I enjoy my own company. I had my plants and my books. For twentyyears now, it hadn't bothered me. Why was I this choked up? Why was he making me explain? It felt like those honey eyes pierced my soul when I finally allowed myself to look up.

"Jess, who wants to come home to a man who'sfucked fourother people that day?"

As I watched, realization slid into those beautiful pools of amber.

"Yeah, I guess not most people." he said quietly.

I let my eyes soften even further as I tried to keep the hurt at bay. "Not any people, Jess."

He was quiet for a long moment. "Aren't you lonely?"

I ached. I was desperately lonely; I just hadn't realized it until now. I didn't want any more of his pity.

"I've always been sort of a loner. I like reading and gardening and art. I have plenty of sex." I laughed a bit at that. "And, now I have you as a friend." Fuck, why had I let that slip out. "How could I be lonely?"

He looked unconvinced but smiled gently, nodded, and quickly changed the subject. I was somehow both grateful he'd accepted my explanation as the full truth and dismayed that I hadn't been honest with him.

Six weeks later, I found him waiting for meon a day we weren't scheduled to have dinner. I walked out as I was pulling my hair back and raised an eyebrow at him in question. Over the last few months, we'd learned to communicate with simple gestures like that. He smiled and began one of his awkward stammers at which I found myself grinning broadly. Fuck, it was adorable when he did that. Fuck! Yet again I'd thought of him using a word like adorable. I had finally admitted to myself that I had feelings for him, and I was trying my best to berate myself whenever I noticed I"d responded in an emotional way.

"So…I was thinking…I looked at…"

I waited quietly.

After a moment, he continued smoothly. "I noticed you don't have any clients on Thursdaybecause of the Holiday. Do you have plans?"

Every year there was an annual world Holiday celebrating the ending of the third world war and the rebuilding of a unified society. From what I understood of historical holidays, it was a bit like the old world's American Thanksgiving or Independence Day. Families and friends got together, cooked large meals, played games, and socialized. I cringed internally. It was a time to be with family. Why would he ask me that? He knew I didn't have any family.

I attempted to keep things light. "Nah, my first few years in the city I worked that day, but those encounters were always just people who were desperate not to be alone and it was depressing. Total boner killer. Not good in my line of work."

I wiggled an eyebrow suggestively and he laughed. He now found my sexual jokes amusing rather than embarrassing, which I was thankful foras I made them often.

"Now I just sort of take the day to read or sit in the sun."

He looked pleased with my answer. "My only other friend in the city, my roommate Bethany, is going to be out of town and I can't afford to go home this year, so …"

I cut him off with a frown. That wasn't ok.

"Jess, no. You should be with family. I'd be happy to front you the money."

He glared. "You wanna cut me off some more?"

I hung my head;sufficiently reprimanded.

He cleared his throat,"As I was saying," he continued in an affronted tone as he forced his face into a serious expression even though the smile lines around his eyes were deep and the pools of amber nearly glowed with amusement.

I wanted to kiss him.

"The dorms are tiny, but I'm an acceptable cook. I was wondering if you wanted to come spend the day with me?"

I felt my breath catch and my heart race. What was I supposed to do with that? Yes. God yes. More than I've ever wanted anything.

I replied quickly before I could talk myself out of it. "My place is only a thirty-minute train ride away. It's not big, but probably larger than a dorm, and there's a nice yard. A farm boy like you must miss that living in the city. Why don't we each cook half, and you spend the day at my place?"

I don't think I've ever seen anyone look happier, and I was completely hooked. He could have bent me over right there on the sofa and I'd have simply melted and moaned his name. The way those golden eyes glowed when he smiled was all I could think about as he left.