SIOBHAN

Indigo doesn’t return to the farm. I hear from Hunter how Tack drove the dogs and a suitcase of clothes up north to Caveman’s house.

Choosing not to ask any follow-up questions, I figure she’d share additional information if she thought it was important. Mostly, I fear if I seem too curious, I’ll give away what happened. So far, only Mom and Dad know.

Rather than obsess about Indigo, I try to focus on my life. I can’t stop being a mom or working a job just because of my crazy, sexy twenty minutes with Indigo. I still have responsibilities. I’m not planning to hide, even if he does.

As days spill into weeks, I struggle to keep his name out of my head. From time to time, people mention him around the clubhouse. One night, when the place is filled with only club guys and the loose women looking to get a taste, Scarecrow announces Indigo might be switching chapters.

“Fuck that,” Zoot snarls.

His dark eyes flash toward me as if he knows I’m the reason trouble has come to the club.

“Have you talked to him?” I ask my uncle.

“I texted him to say he deserves better than Caveman. He replied with ‘okay.’ I assume that means he’ll be back soon. No reason to ride up to the hills when I know he’s not staying there.”

Zoot’s certainty ought to make me feel better. I wish Indigo would come back. Not only because I feel guilty for upsetting him, but I also want to see him again. Everything happened so fast at the clubhouse. I never got a chance to think. I’d very much like Indigo to stand in front of me again while my wits are about me.

Mostly, I’m curious if we can make something real between us. I’ve longed to share my bed with a man who looked at me like Indigo did before everything went wrong. I feel like I lost more than a chance at a great adventure. I might have lost the love of my life.

“What?” Sync asks when I arrive at his house to pick up the girls after they’ve spent time with their dad. “What’s got you pouting?”

“Indigo still isn’t back at the farm. I’m worried he’ll give up his life here and stay in the hills. ”

Sync rubs at his bearded jaw and looks out at the road. “You know how the foster boys get tangled up in their heads. I’ve gotten lost a few times myself.”

Sync was always high-strung himself. His mom was an evil bitch while his dad was a sneaky weakling. She would lash out, and he would play mind games. As a teenager and young man, Sync couldn’t shake the anxiety their bullshit created inside him. He only started to settle down once the twins were born.

I don’t know much about Indigo’s family except his mom wasn’t right in the head and his little brother got adopted but he didn’t. Did I do something the other night to remind him of his mother?

“I think you and Indigo have the same problem,” Sync says, startling me. His gaze is on Deirdre dancing around me. His fingers are messing with Kiera’s ponytail. When he focuses on me, he sighs. “You’ve been in a state of hysteria for a while.”

“Excuse me?” I cry, irritated now.

The girls’ brown-eyed gazes flash to me. Protective of their mom, they frown at Sync. He notices them taking my side and steps back.

“When Natasha returned to Banta City, you believed things would be easier. Instead, everything has been nuts. All that stuff with Hunter. It’s getting normal again, so you and Indigo are rattled over what’ll happen next. That’s all this is, Siobhan. It’s okay to feel weird about the world changing. Everyone’s moving off the farm and having babies. Change has rarely been a good thing for Indigo, so he flips out. But you’re smarter and stronger than he is. That’s why you need to stow away your crazy and stop looking for reasons to get upset.”

Sighing, I shake my head. “You soggy fry, you were being so sweet until the very end.”

“Sweet only gets you so far. Sometimes, you need to tell the truth.”

I wonder what Sync would think if he knew I hooked up with Indigo. He acts like I’m free to ride anyone I want.

Once we’re home, the girls keep my mind busy. We play outside, take a walk, and do laundry. They tell me about school. I share my plans to try a new recipe. The twins laugh at how I loathe cooking.

I wasn’t always such a disinterested cook. I used to make Sync big home-cooked meals like he never enjoyed when he was little. But Sync doesn’t care about food. He’ll eat anything. As our relationship soured and I began to feel trapped in a love affair long past its expiration date, I’d toss a cold grilled cheese sandwich on a plate for his dinner. Sync never complained. He just shoved it down his gullet and created space between us.

“I sometimes forget how terrible the end of my relationship with Sync felt,” I tell Natasha through the bathroom door days later.

I’m currently peeing on a pregnancy test at the large Douglas Fir timber frame home she shares with Bear. Hunter and I came over for our weekly lunch here. I hadn’t planned to fess up about Indigo but keeping a secret is killing me.

“I mostly remember the dread of being in the same room with someone who didn’t want me anymore.

I rest the test on the countertop and flush the toilet. Opening the door, I find a sad Natasha waiting for me.

“What’s wrong, Siobhan?”

When I gesture back at the countertop, Natasha’s blue eyes widen. Her hands move to her round belly where baby Olívie waits to be born.

“How late are you?”

“A few days. It might be stress.”

Hunter appears from a hallway leading to where Tack and Bear hang out with four-year-old Jacinda and Hector. My friend’s red hair is currently unruly while growing out a pixie haircut. She has it pinned back with an array of colorful barrettes. Her baby bump is small yet perched high, making it seem more noticeable than Natasha’s was at this point.

“What is happening?”

Shrugging, I mumble, “I might be pregnant, but I’m probably not.”

“How?”

“Indigo.”

My friends put the pieces together without me needing to dumb it down for them.

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Natasha asks.

“He got upset!” I say as my voice turns into a squeal. “He got cold and hurt my feelings! I was ashamed! Then, he ran away and hid! I feel guilty! I don’t want to be the bad guy!”

Natasha and Hunter stare at me like I’m insane. That’s how I’ve felt lately. My crazy has only gotten worse since I realized my period was late .

“It’s not your fault,” Hunter insists.

“You don’t know!” I cry and back away. “I was so horny and wild. He got scared!”

“Scared?” Natasha asks, giving me a weird look. “What did you do?”

“I got naked and enjoyed his hot body. But it was fast and not romantic. Is that what he wanted?”

Hunter takes me by the shoulders. I expect her to shake some sense into me. Instead, she stares into my eyes.

“Indigo has wanted you for years.”

“How do you know?”

“Tack told me.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“It was a secret.”

I open my mouth to complain about how friends don’t keep secrets. Hunter cocks an eyebrow, just waiting for me to say the words. I glance at Natasha and consider how we kept her whereabouts a secret from Hunter for two years.

Sighing, I nod. “Secrets are okay, sometimes.”

“Uh-huh,” she mutters. “Now, let’s calm down and wait to see the result.”

I nibble at my thumbnail while the minutes tick away. Outside in the backyard, the nanny entertains Jacinda and Hector. I imagine my girls at school. What will Kiera and Deirdre think about a baby? I’d been considering getting knocked up. My sister’s baby is so pretty. Both of my friends will have babies soon. Did I mind-control Indigo’s sperm to hit paydirt? Do I have that power? No, I do not.

“I feel like I’m going crazy.”

As Natasha eases onto the dark leather couch and tries to find comfort for her big belly, Hunter asks me, “Because of the test or Indigo?”

“Because he came to me and wanted me to see him and accept him. And I just thought he was hot and tasted so good and smelled great. He wanted something beautiful, and I made it cheap.”

Ashamed, I slide down the wall and cry against my knees. The regret has eaten at me no matter how much I try to distract myself.

Natasha tries to get back up to comfort me, but her belly gets in the way. Hunter walks past me into the bathroom. A moment later, she returns and reaches out her hand .

“You need hugs, and we can’t sit on the floor. Come to the couch.”

I crawl over to the expensive leather couch Bear bought years ago after Natasha ran off. He picked this big house with her in mind. Once she came back to town, he made his claim. Now, they snuggle up on this couch each night. I’m thrilled they found their joy together, but I also get admittedly jealous.

“Indigo is troubled,” Hunter tells me after she sits at my right side while Natasha snuggles on my left. “He wanted you but believed you were still hung up on Sync.”

“I’m not. I just miss the closeness we shared. I would have dated long ago if my foster brothers would let me.”

“Mostly, it was Indigo causing trouble, right?” Natasha asks. “Because he liked you and didn’t want you with anyone else.”

“Is that sweet?” I ask. “Can I think of his behavior as charming rather than infuriating and sinister?”

“Do you want Indigo?” Natasha asks.

“I don’t know. He ran away. If I saw him, I’d know what I felt.”

Hunter takes my hand and says softly, “Well, I think you might need to talk to him soon.”

“Because he won’t come back to the farm otherwise?”

“No, because your test is positive.”

I place my hands on my belly. “Can I be happy or should I feel guilty?”

“Why do you feel guilty exactly?” Hunter asks, embracing her role as the voice of reason. “I understand you were horny, but I’m sure he was, too. Hasn’t he spent years without sex?”

“I don’t know if he’s ever had sex. He seemed to know what to do, though.”

Natasha smiles at me. “You’re having a baby.”

Before we can celebrate, Bear appears from the garage with Tack and asks, “Wait, what’s happening? I thought Siobhan gave up men. Is this a sperm bank baby?”

“Hush, you brute,” Natasha hisses at him. “Be kind.”

“Baby, this is me being kind.”

“No, you’re a teddy bear when you’re kind.”

Bear and Natasha share a lovestruck moment. Hunter frowns at them and then looks at Tack and demands, “Stare at me. ”

Tack moves quickly in front of her, drops to his knees, and stares into her eyes. “Oh, baby, I love you so much.”

“I love you more, baby.”

“Our love is good enough to be a contest.”

Hunter and Tack chuckle at their teasing and then start making out. When I realize I might see how their baby was made, I clear my throat. They look around and find Bear frowning.

“Keep it in your pants, Tack,” he growls like a man-shaped bear. “My kids are in the backyard.”

Tack shoves his ass next to Hunter’s on the couch and wraps an arm around her shoulders. “What a prude.”

Natasha laughs before realizing Bear also wants to sit on the couch. “There’s no way we’re all fitting here.”

“I need attention,” I tell Bear. “Go sit somewhere else.”

He replies, “Because of your sperm bank baby?”

“Indigo knocked me up.”

“Of course, he did,” Tack says and smiles at Hunter. “I told him to plant a seed in Siobhan’s head, so he went ahead and planted a seed in her womb. All that pent-up dick energy was bound to make a kid.”

Hunter studies Tack. “You do know how babies are made, right?”

“Of course,” he says and strokes her belly. “Lots and lots of jizz.”

“You only need one jizz,” Bear replies like he’s a wise sex ed instructor. “One lucky jizz and then a baby happens.”

Natasha frowns at him. He frowns back. With my friends so focused on the proper terminology, they’ve lost sight of how Indigo knocked me up.

“Did Indigo tell you what happened?” I ask Tack and then glance at Bear. “Is he angry at me?”

“He’s in love with you,” Tack says, and his words wrap around my heart and squeeze hard. “Of course, he blames himself, not you.”

“How can I know what I feel when he’s hiding in the hills?”

“Go talk to him,” Bear says and smiles at Natasha. “When you came back to town, I was honest about my feelings and everything worked out.”

“I feel like maybe you have amnesia,” Natasha says, stroking his jaw. “Because you were a brute the first and second time we talked. You were also weird the third time. I don’t think you were normal until the fourth.”

“In my mind, I nailed every conversation and that’s why you’re mine. I don’t need the truth to interfere with such a solid memory.”

“Everyone needs to take a breath,” Hunter says and squeezes my hand. “Inhale deeply and exhale hard. Just really center yourself.”

“Your woman is bossy,” Bear tells Tack before inhaling sharply.

Exhaling deeply, Tack replies, “Thank you.”

When I also obey Hunter, she asks, “Are you feeling calmer?”

“No.”

“Let’s breathe more.”

“I need an answer.”

“Bear gave you the answer,” Hunter replies. “Go talk to Indigo. Don’t let his hangups keep you from taking charge of your life.”

“Before you do that,” Tack says, winning a frown from Hunter, “what do you want to happen with Indigo? I think you ought to be driving this ship rather than leaving him in charge. He’s got no experience with a relationship. You practiced with Sync.”

Though I like the idea of Sync being my practice guy, my smile fades when I consider Indigo.

“I don’t know how I feel about him. He was my brother in the same way you two are. I wasn’t checking out his hot bod, but I wasn’t blind to it, either.”

“How did he get you in bed?” Bear asks. “I’m confused about how you went from thinking about him as a brother to turning his jizz into a baby?”

“Simply poetry,” Natasha teases Bear. “You’re an artist with words.”

Bear chuckles and reaches over to smack Tack who is comfortable on the couch while the larger man sits on the arm. I ought to let Natasha sit away from me, but I need my friends to fill me with courage.

“He kissed me. That’s it.”

“You are clearly a horny person,” Bear says, and I frown hard at him. “But he’s a decent-looking guy, right? There’s nothing wrong with you noticing his qualities.”

Bear gives up on finding comfort on the couch’s arm and drops into a nearby chair. His gaze narrows when he sees Tack cuddled with Hunter .

“Do you think Indigo would ever be able to do this?” I ask the men. “Could he cuddle with me while giving you guys dirty looks over who is the hottest for their woman?”

“Sure. You might have to start the cuddling part. He doesn’t seem to know how to instigate affection.”

“He kissed me. I didn’t instigate that.”

Tack chuckles. “I figured he’d go the overly subtle route when he made his move. Then, we’d need to help you translate what his cryptic behavior meant. But the boy went straight to sucking face.”

“It must have been a good kiss for you to end up in bed,” Natasha says. “Did you feel anything besides lust?”

“I don’t know. It’s not like Indigo is a stranger. I care about him. But I don’t know if I want him like I wanted Sync.”

“You were still a kid back with Sync. He was your first boyfriend. You’re not the same person as you were back then. Maybe comparing your feelings isn’t smart.”

“Just go talk to Indigo,” Hunter insists. “Tell him about the baby.”

“Uh, maybe not,” Bear says and frowns at Tack. “He might not be ready for that part.”

“That’s true. He was flipping out about Bear’s kid being weird-looking,” Tack mutters, gaining scowls from Bear and Natasha. “And being compared to Jacinda and Hector who are cute and funny.”

“They are adorable,” Natasha says, smiling now as she rubs her belly. “But this baby will be special in her own way.”

“That’s what I told him, but Indigo might flip out if he thinks his baby won’t be as good as the twins.”

“His baby,” I say, stroking my flat stomach. “We made a baby.”

Hunter and Natasha cuddle with me as I stop worrying long enough to enjoy my new situation.

“I think people should be honest,” Hunter announces. “You two should have told me about Natasha’s situation when she was gone. And Bear should have admitted he was head over heels in love with Natasha instead of acting like it was their duty to get married. And Tack didn’t ask Indigo about his feelings for a long time. Everyone is so afraid of other people’s reactions, that they hide the truth. Let’s stop doing that. ”

“Do you think Indigo can handle hearing about the baby?” I ask her since decision-making feels too difficult right now. “Maybe I can just visit him without mentioning it.”

“No, drive up to the hills and make him face you. Talk to him about what happened. Then, tell him you’re pregnant. Don’t let him hide. He wants you, Siobhan. He has for a long time. Indigo is his own worst enemy. You need to be smart about the things he struggles with. If he hides, you have to choose to face things.”

“What if he yells at me?”

“He loves you,” Hunter says and kisses my temple. “He is so lonely, and he has all these dreams for himself, but he doesn’t know how to make them real. Or he doesn’t think he deserves for them to become real. But we know he’s wrong. Indigo is our friend. He’s family. We need to help him. And by helping him, we can make your life easier.”

“You’re so sexy when you’re bossy,” Tack murmurs to Hunter who smiles.

I hug her and sigh. “Tack’s right. You’re especially hot when you bully people into doing the obviously smart thing.”

“It is obvious.”

“But what if Siobhan doesn’t end up loving Indigo like he loves her?” Bear asks because he’s a negative person and immediately zeroes in on problems. “Indigo wouldn’t let her date. She has been alone for a long time. She might only feel desperate right now.”

Scowling at him, I mutter, “Hey, jackass, I can hear you.”

“I know, but I’m serious. What if Indigo gets his hopes up, but you can’t give him what he wants? How does a man survive that?”

“Too much pressure,” I mumble and hide my face against my knees. “I should wait a few weeks or months until I’m sure how I feel about everything.”

“No,” Hunter says and rubs my back. “You’re bound to obsess until you know. Just go see him and explain how you’re confused about things, but the baby is real, and you want him to know. No matter what happens next, you’re not alone in this. You have us and your parents.” Hunter looks at Tack and asks, “Indigo isn’t alone, either, right? Like he isn’t up in the hills by himself, is he?”

“Caveman keeps him focused on other people, so he doesn’t get stuck in his head. He’ll be okay.”

I look at my friends and ask, “Will you come with me? Just in case, he goes nuts or runs away? ”

“Of course. We’ll bring the kids to see Tangina,” Natasha says. “They’ve never met a house pig before.”

For the first time in weeks, I feel unburdened by guilt. I’ve been pretending to be calm this whole time, yet Indigo marked me when we made love. I both crave and fear him. I need to know what happens next, so I can own my choices again.