INDIGO

I wake up to the feel of Tangina’s snout poking my forehead. The black miniature pig grunts when I open my eyes and moan. A retreating Tangina makes room for an Australian shepherd to lick my face.

Sitting up, I wipe my forehead and notice three elementary school-aged children watching me. They aren’t familiar to me, so they’re likely Caveman’s newest temporary kids. The blond boy standing nearest to me must be related to the blonde girl at the door. They have essentially the same face and pale blue eyes. The other boy is taller with dark hair and a face full of freckles.

With the drapes pulled back and sunlight spilling in, I notice the beige wood paneling on three of the four walls. A stone fireplace is to my right. The sliding glass doors are to my left. The three kids step directly in front of me. Though wary, they snicker at how the Australian shepherd mutt climbs half on the couch to lick me again.

“You’re supposed to get up and eat,” says the girl.

“Who are you?” I ask. “I don’t think I’ve seen any of you before.”

The blond boy leans forward and challenges me with, “We haven’t seen you, either.”

“I’m Indigo. I used to live here a long time ago,” I say and run my hands through my hair. “I’m going to be around more. If you want me to call you anything besides ‘kid,’ you best tell me your names.”

“I’m Vanilla,” announces the blond boy, seeming proud of this fact. “That’s my sister, Chef.”

“I’m going to make you flapjacks,” she explains and spins to make her yellow flowered dress dance around her knees. “Caveman said you need four of them and a big glass of orange juice. He said you don’t eat bacon.”

I glance at Tangina sniffing the kids’ hands and shake my head. “No bacon.”

“What’s your name?” I ask the boy with all the freckles.

“Caveman calls me Farmer because I’m going to buy a cow one day.”

Standing up, I nod. “Makes sense. He gave me my name, too.”

“What does Indigo mean?”

“It’s a shade of blue. ”

“You’re a color?” Chef asks.

“No, he’s sad,” Dot Callaghan says as she enters the room. “A sad little boy in a grown man’s body.”

I look at Aunt Fred and Caveman’s sister. Her thick brown hair is pulled back with a wide red headband. Her dark brows are arched, waiting for my response. A smile warms her beautiful face. She looks ready to laugh at me.

Feeling on the spot, I mumble, “I’m fine.”

“Then, how come you’re hiding from Winifred?” When I just shrug, the three kids glance at Dot who laughs. “He’s shy but don’t be fooled. Inside that quiet man roars the heart of a beast.”

Rolling my eyes at her teasing, I’m mostly relieved she isn’t asking a bunch of questions. I assumed my fuckup was already widely known based on how Siobhan has a big mouth and noon is just around the corner.

I hide out in the bathroom for a long time, washing my face, using my index finger as a toothbrush, and hoping to outlast the people on the other side of the door.

I finally exit to find the four of them still waiting for me. Even the dog and Tangina sit nearby.

“No hiding, Indigo,” Dot says and gestures for me to follow them. “Chef wants to make you flapjacks. Farmer will pour a glass of orange juice. I’ll get you coffee.”

After I’m ordered to sit down, I check my phone. Aunt Fred and Elvis have texted me with supportive messages. They promise to visit me soon.

Dot stands behind me and brushes my hair. I want to tell her to stop, but she’ll just pitch a fit until I let her do whatever she wants anyway.

“Are you paying rent to stay here?” Dot asks as she ties my shoulder-length hair into a ponytail. “Or will you earn your keep?”

“Like with chores?”

“I was thinking you’d make a fine babysitter.”

“I don’t need a sitter,” Farmer says immediately. “I’m old enough to drive.”

“Of course, you are,” Dot lies and hands me a cup of coffee. “But the house needs supervision with the smaller kids and the pets. Most nights, Caveman is busy yelling at people and playing darts at the clubhouse. ”

“So, you want me to stay here in the evenings and watch these little kids, except for Farmer who is old enough to be on his own?”

“Exactly. I had a girl who was supposed to do it. The barely legal doll would come around in the evenings. But she recently learned men have different parts than women, and that’s quickly changed her priorities. Now, she’s always at the clubhouse, scenting every man she meets.”

“I can stay here and watch them.”

“You’re not weird, right?” Vanilla asks and narrows his eyes. The boy leans closer as if searching for any sign of my weirdness. “Men wanting to babysit my sister are usually weird.”

“That one man was weird about you, too,” Chef says happily as she flips a flapjack. “I’m going to own a restaurant one day. I’ll be rich.”

“Of course, darling,” Dot says and strokes the child’s head before smiling at me. “I’m glad you’re sticking around, Indigo. I don’t need to know why you’re hiding out. I think it’ll be good for everyone.”

That’s how the rest of my day goes. Dot leaves the house for a few hours before returning for dinner. Caveman’s permanent kids give me a wide berth. His daughters are going through a “men suck” phase. His sons are going through an “everyone sucks” phase.

“Sullen little shits,” Caveman says when his permanent kids take their meals and retreat to their rooms in the massive old house. “I was only moody for three weeks at the age of fourteen. I suspect I might have just had the flu. No idea why you’re all so grumpy.”

“Uh-huh,” Pinkie says and rolls her eyes with great flair. “You’re perfect. We know.”

Caveman smirks. “It’s true. I am perfect. Never has a better man existed. But I still think you’re melodramatic.”

“No,” Mouse insists before scurrying up the stairs to her room.

Shaking his head, Caveman looks at me. “You’ll watch the little ones tonight, yes?”

“Not me,” Farmer insists, having spent the entire afternoon explaining to me how he is a grownup in a child’s body. I assume his parents left him to raise himself a lot. “I will supervise him supervising them.”

“Good man,” Caveman says and pats the child’s shoulder. “Gotta have everyone keeping an eye on everyone else. That’s how we keep people in line. ”

For most of the day, I barely have the time to nurse bad feelings over how I fucked up with Siobhan. The kids are distracting. Chef talks endlessly about her future restaurant. Farmer has big plans for three cows.

“If I save up enough, I might get four,” he tells me before going to bed.

Vanilla just agrees with everything. He reminds me of Tack when we were kids. Of course, under my friend’s easygoing exterior beats the heart of a broken child. I can’t be sure if Vanilla is that complicated.

At the end of the evening, I watch them brush their teeth and get in bed. I worry they’ll want me to read them a story. Bubby used to like those The Berenstain Bears books. I’d hated school and never cared if I could read until the day my brother wanted me to read him the stories.

These kids have zero interest in books. They get thirty minutes on their tablets before bed. I guess they might read to themselves, but they probably play games or watch videos. I wait around by the stairs until the alarm goes off and then check to see if they turned off the devices.

“Don’t be sad,” Chef tells me when I start to shut the door to the room where she and Vanilla sleep. “You did good today.”

Though I smile at her comment, her words can’t save me from what’s coming. As soon as the house is quiet, I sink into regret. I end up watching a video of Siobhan with her girls last Christmas. Resigned to my unhappiness, I fall asleep curled up under a blanket and pretend I exist in an emotionless void.

Tangina wakes me the next morning. I open my eyes to find Tack and Bear leaning over me rather than the kids.

“You sleep like an angel,” Bear taunts, and his blue eyes shine with amusement.

Tack smirks at our friend’s comment while I sit up and frown at them. Bear’s brown hair and Tack’s blond hair are wild from the ride up to the hills. I think of them hearing negative shit about me from their women. Has Siobhan ratted me out to her besties yet?

“Did you bring my dogs?” I ask despite knowing they rode their motorcycles here.

“As Sleepy’s legal owner,” Tack replies immediately, “I’m not sure how I feel about him relocating to this untamed land. Will he get bullied by Tangina over here? ”

The pig hears her name and shuffles over for affection. We take turns petting her before she decides she’d prefer smaller hands. Once the pig trots off to find the kids, my friends turn their gazes to me.

“What’s this about?” Bear asks as he stretches out in a nearby recliner and rubs at his bearded jaw. “Why are you hiding out here?”

I’m surprised by how he doesn’t know the answer. However, one glance at Tack tells me he understands how I’ve fucked up with Siobhan. Based on his expression, he doesn’t know the details. Did Siobhan feel such shame over our quickie that she’s hidden the truth from her friends?

“I want to stay here for a while. Bring the dogs.”

“No,” Tack mutters and settles into a chair. “They can stay at my place.”

“Your land is too small.”

“It’s ten acres.”

“You’re having work done. They’ll be in the way.”

“What is this?” Bear asks again.

Frowning at him, I choose to remain silent. When I stare for long enough, Tack decides to play on his phone. Bear doesn’t break my gaze. We’re having a contest he’s bound to lose. Yet, he doesn’t give in until Tack sighs deeply twice.

“What are you planning to do in the hills?” Bear asks when I refuse to answer his original question. “Will you wear their patch? Have you told Zoot you’re ditching his leadership for Caveman’s? Like, what exactly is the plan?”

“It’s only been, what, two days?” Tack answers before I can. “He won’t be here in a week.”

“Then, why not bring his dogs?” Bear grumbles.

“Because when people take vacations, they leave the kids at home.”

“Not me,” Bear insists. “When I take Natasha on our honeymoon, we’re bringing the kids.”

“How the fuck is that supposed to work?” Tack asks, frowning at our friend.

“We’ll bring a big staff. That way, Natasha and I can be alone.”

“Why not just leave the kids at home?”

“Because I want to see them in between my alone time with Natasha. Being away for a week or more is too long. ”

Tack shrugs at Bear’s words. While the men eyeball each other, I get up and use the bathroom. I again hope to outlast the people looking to hound me, but they’re in the same spots when I exit.

“I don’t want to go back to the farm,” I explain while shoving on my boots.

“Why?” Tack asks.

Bear adds, “Is it Golden?”

“No.”

“Indigo has a crush on Siobhan,” Tack announces.

Bear immediately replies, “I figured.”

“You did not. You thought he was in love with Golden.”

“No, I thought he was in love with you ,” Bear mutters and flips off Tack. “You’re always together, whispering to each other like girlfriends. Yeah, I figured he wanted you, but you were in love with Hunter. That’s why he was sad all the time.” Bear pauses before adding, “I guess I was wrong. Siobhan’s a better choice anyway.”

“Did you finally ask her out?” Tack asks. “If she said no, I warned you not to take it personally. You’ve planted the seed in her head. Just let it grow into a full-fledged desire on her part. She’ll soon be ready for that date.”

Bear frowns at Tack. “Love has made you goofy.”

“Fuck off. I’ve been in love for a long time, and this is the first time you’ve ever called me goofy.”

“Fine. Fucking Hunter has made you goofy.”

“Who’s Hunter?” Chef asks from the doorway.

“My woman,” Tack tells the girl. “We’re talking about gross man stuff. Best run off before you’re scarred for life.”

Chef glances back at someone. I assume Vanilla is trying to talk her into fleeing. He isn’t curious about drama like his sister.

Once she disappears back down the hallway, I frown at Bear. “Don’t talk about nasty shit around those kids.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?” he asks with complete sincerity. “They spend time around Caveman and Dot. Nothing I say will faze them.”

“Whatever,” I mumble and wish I could hide in the bathroom again. “Just go away and don’t come back unless you have my dogs.”

“How about Bear stands outside alone while you and I talk?” Tack offers and gestures for Bear to leave. “We’ve gotten down to brass tacks before. We can hash this shit out so you can come home. ”

Bear narrows his eyes and growls, “Why am I not involved in this?”

“You moved away from the farm,” Tack says dismissively. “You abandoned your family. We don’t trust you anymore.”

Bear nearly looks upset before catching on to Tack’s bullshit. We were always tight, along with Sync, Pork Chop, and Golden. I miss when we all lived on the farm together. Sync left first. Then, Bear bought his big house, even though he lived alone. Now, Tack lives in a Tim Burton monstrosity. I’ve sometimes tried to imagine myself living in their neighborhood with Siobhan. I like her house since it feels like the kind of place my brother got to live in once he was adopted.

“I did everything wrong with Siobhan,” I admit when Tack and Bear start frowning at each other just to fill the time. “I was going to ask her out like you said I should, but I got all messed up in the head and did everything wrong. She’s never going to forgive me. I need to stay away from the farm, so she can visit her family without feeling weird. That’s the end of it. No more talking.”

“Fair enough,” Bear says.

Tack shakes his head. “No way. Hunter said she thinks Siobhan and you have a shot.”

“Wait, so your woman knows, but mine doesn’t?” Bear demands.

“Maybe Natasha knows but didn’t tell you, Tack suggests. “How close are you two? Do you and Natasha talk often?”

Bear narrows his blue eyes again while Tack’s gaze turns amused. I watch them and wonder why they aren’t angry at me.

The men glance in my direction at the same time. I frown at them, wishing they would leave. I liked feeling distracted yesterday. I barely thought of Siobhan at all.

“You have one week,” Bear says.

“No.”

“Fine, two weeks, and then you have to get over this shit.”

“No.”

“You aren’t a little kid,” my road captain insists. “You can’t just say ‘no.’”

“Are you sure because I just fucking said ‘no,’ and I meant ‘no,’ and I’m sticking to ‘no.’”

“Dumbass motherfucker.”

“Ooh,” Chef says from the doorway. “You have an angry leprechaun in your mouth. ”

I smirk at Caveman’s excuse for cussing so much. He used to tell us all the time, “I want to speak to you little shits like a Sunday school teacher, but the angry leprechaun in my mouth overrides my genteel intentions.”

“Why are you spying on us, kid?” Bear asks, sounding growly and intimidating.

Chef loses her smile before looking to me for reassurance.

“He growls like a grizzly, but he’s a teddy bear inside,” I say, winning a smile from Chef.

Vanilla appears next to his sister. “We’re supposed to cook for you.”

“I can get a bowl of cereal.”

“But I need practice for my restaurant,” Chef whines in that overly dramatic “I’m about to flip out” way kids get.

“Do you know how to make eggs?” I ask when I think she might cry.

Chef bounces on her heels. “I can make you an omelet.”

“Is Dot around?” I call after the kids when they run off. “Should I supervise?”

When they don’t answer, I follow after them. Tack cuts me off and sends Bear to watch the kids in the kitchen.

Once we’re alone, Tack insists, “I can’t imagine you said anything so bad to Siobhan that you need to hide out. Are you sure you aren’t overreacting?”

“I can’t talk to you because you talk to Hunter and she talks to Siobhan.”

“Hunter has kept your feelings secret for months,” he says and then softens his tone. “You don’t always read shit right. You thought Siobhan still wanted Sync, but Hunter swears she doesn’t. Between the two of you, I’m bound to believe Siobhan’s bestie over her stalker.”

“You were a stalker,” I mutter back.

“Yeah, and I won my woman. Let’s see about doing that for you.”

Sighing, I step back. “I don’t want to be strong or face facts or deal with consequences. I want to be a fucking bitch and hide out here where I can disappear into the chaos. Why can’t I do that? What’s the benefit of acting like an adult right now?”

“You might be reading shit wrong with Siobhan.” Tack’s expression shifts based on whatever he sees on my face. “It can’t be that bad. ”

“I had my shot, and I fucked up. I don’t get a do-over, and she won’t want to be my friend. This isn’t you and Hunter. It’s not Bear and Natasha. It’s just over. I failed. If it was you who wanted to hide, I’d let you.”

Tack’s resolve cracks when I spell things out for him. I’m not one of these fucked up kids with their whole lives ahead of them to get things right. I’m thirty-three. I can’t do much more than ride with the Backcountry Kings. I was never going to win Siobhan’s heart or help her raise her girls. That was all a fantasy I built up and Tack encouraged.

Now, the truth is clear. Why shouldn’t I learn to accept what the rest of my life will feel like? A real friend would realize hassling me isn’t helpful.

Tack and Bear are great friends. That’s why they both stick around through my omelet, talking about stuff unrelated to my fuckup.

When they leave, there are no lectures or guilt trips. Tack says he’ll bring the dogs up tomorrow. I watch them ride off as I stand on Caveman’s front porch. The three kids join me, offering a distraction from the ugly realization of the dream I destroyed.