Chapter 4

Bhaltair cried out and pressed a hand to his face while étaín stared wide-eyed at him, her mouth agape.

"Bhaltair?" she asked. "What are ye daein'?"

"What are ye daein'?" he said, his voice kind of muffled.

"I am hittin' a man who thinks tae seize me right outside of the bathin' room when I am dressed as I am," she hissed in a whisper, pointing to her night rail.

She hoped it was dim enough that he could not see her nipples hardened to points. The fabric she wore was practically translucent, and yet he'd grabbed her at her waist, with hardly anything between them.

"Dae ye think there are vagabonds hangin' around the castle ready tae take ye?" he asked in that still-muffled voice.

"One never kens." She crossed her arms and lifted her chin. "And it seems I was right tae take care of meself."

He rolled eyes at her, and for the first time in a long time, it felt like they were their old selves, arguing like brother and sister. For a few moments, no time had passed.

"Dae ye really think I would hurt ye, étaín?"

"Havenae ye already done so?" she asked before she could hold it back, and then when she saw blood trickling out from under his hand, she sighed. Cursing, she reached out for his arm. "I will take ye tae the healer's."

"Nay, I dinnae need that. I have been punched afore, I will survive."

"Then come with me, ye cannae walk around with blood covering yer face" she said forcefully, pulling him along down the passage towards her room. She knew it was foolish to bring him to her chamber, but she had only added to the mess by making him bleed, so she would care for him and then send him back from whence he came.

Once inside the chamber, she locked it, and she led him to a chair by the fire, pulling the other chair up close so that she could sit across from him. She went to her dressing table and grabbed two handkerchiefs. One she dipped in a bowl of water and the other she brought to him. He dabbed it at his nose and then held it there for a little while, his eyes watching hers. She looked at him with furrowed brow, before she asked him to move his hand so that she could take a look at his nose. And when he took his hand away, she peered closely at him.

"Nae broken," she said, and then she reached up with the wet handkerchief and began to wipe the blood away. "The blood has stopped easily enough. Thank goodness fer that." She tried to keep her eyes fixed that spot, but she could feel his eyes watching her, and it was so tempting to look at him.

They had not been this close to one another since that day, and now, five years later, having grown and changed, having gone through so much grief, étaín still felt that same buzz between them. When she was younger, she had thought it was two hearts understanding one another, a little flutter in her that responded to Bhaltair's.

But nay, ye had just been a fool in love.

She had realized later it was only a physical attraction, a desire, but it seemed far more than that now. She wiped away the rest of the blood, some of it having trickled into his beard, and then slowly sat down across from him. Their knees brushed against one another. She closed her mouth, afraid that he could hear just how hard she was breathing. She laid the handkerchief aside, and Bhaltair leaned forward a bit.

She stiffened, placing both her hands on the arms of the chair and grasping them tightly. Oh, why was he here, so close and yet forever far away?

So sensitive, shy and timid, inexperienced.

She gritted her teeth, thinking of his terrible insults, trying to remind herself of why she should not think of him, of why her heart should not call out to him as it did. His eyes moved down her face, over her thin night rail. They were both sitting in front of the fire, so she knew that her nightgown was practically transparent. That old desire returned with a vengeance, pressing between her thighs, demanding satisfaction.

"Why did ye come after me, Bhaltair? I dinnae understand."

He swallowed, and she watched his Adam"s apple bob up and down. His nose was slightly swollen at the bridge, and she knew that he would likely get a black eye on the morrow, but for now, he still seemed to be the same Bhaltair.

"I had tae talk tae ye after the dinner. I had tae ask ye somethin'."

"What?" she asked harshly, trying to ignore just how much closer he got when he leaned forward, putting his elbows on his knees. His hands folded together, his fingers nearly brushing against the top of her thighs.

"I want tae tell ye that I'm sorry, étaín. I'm sorry fer what I said tae ye at the river. It was cruel of me, and I swear, I didnae intend tae hurt ye. It has plagued me mind fer so long, yet it's only now that I have a chance tae tell ye this."

étaín felt pressure behind her eyes, and so she bit the inside of her cheek to focus on something else. Her tongue might run away with her and say things she did not wish to say, but she would certainly not cry. She said nothing, not sure what to say to such an apology. Had he really thought of it all these years? Or had he only just been reminded by her words at the table? She should not have said such things, and she cursed her foolishness, a trait she did not realize she still had.

"I beg ye would forgive me, and we can start over. I beg that ye willnae hold a grudge against me."

"Ha!" she said aloud and leaned back in her chair, her elbow on the arm, her fist pressed under her chin, and she turned to the flames in the hearth. It would be easier to look there than into his kind, brown, apologetic eyes, eyes that lied to her, no matter how comforting his voice sounded in that moment.

"As I said at dinner, I am sure ye shouldnae think of me. Besides, dinnae fash yerself. Ye did hurt me back then but many years have passed. I may still hold grudge, but I dinnae hold pain because of ye any longer, Bhaltair. Surely, after all this time, ye wouldnae expect me tae be sad because of ye, when I have other suitors, men tae think of."

She was rambling now, and she knew it. She closed her mouth tightly.

"Well then, I am glad fer that," Bhaltair said, far too kindly, and it only irritated her more. "But I did think that me apology was overdue, so I wanted tae speak tae ye alone tae say it tae ye."

She whipped back around to stare at him, and she hoped her eyes were as fierce as she felt inside as she leaned towards him. "It was mostly me pride that got hurt. Ye didnae need tae be so very cuttin' in yer rejection."

"That I dae ken," he said. "I was far too cruel."

"Aye, so ye were."

Bhaltair spread his legs a little so her knees could go between them. It was as if he was making room for her and her fierceness and arguments. She wanted to blame it on the fire, but she could feel the heat from his body, and it only made her skin tingle more, her heart cry out more, and that feeling between her legs becoming more and more demanding. For all the people in the world to love, why did she have to tie her heart to him? And why did it still remember him after all this time? It didn"t make any sense. It went against all reason!

"So ye dinnae care then?" he asked.

"Nay," she said, far more loudly than she expected to.

"I wonder then," he said with a pause, breathing in for a moment, as if hesitating before he spoke, "if ye dinnae care, then why did ye kiss me? If it didnae matter? If it was nothin'?"

To her surprise, he reached out. She hadn"t entirely realized just how close they had gotten in the past few seconds. His hand was rough as he touched her cheek. His thumb came under her lower lip and brushed against it softly, his eyes watching her mouth with fixed attention. In étaín's mind, the rest of the room fell away. It was just the color of Bhaltair's eyes, the feel of his touch against her skin, the sound of his breath, and the smell of him, a smell that made something open up inside her that she"d closed long ago.

When his eyes moved from her mouth back to her eyes, she pulled away suddenly, back to the cold, hard present. Quickly, she stood, not caring any longer if he could see right through her gown because of the light from the fire. She huffed out an angry breath, and then she slapped him.

* * *

étaín's cheeks were far redder now than they had ever been before, as if she too had been slapped.

"What are ye daein'?" she asked. "I thought ye only came tae apologize."

He had known étaín for many years, and she had never been one to get angry. He had only seen her angry that once at the riverside, and now he could see that same fury again. She was practically shivering with rage as she stared at him. What could he have been thinking? But he didn"t believe one word of what she said, that only her pride had been hurt. If that was the case, then surely, she could have spoken to him before he had left for his journey five years ago. And then, when she"d leaned closer, he hadn"t been able to resist reaching out to touch the soft skin of her cheek, even softer than he"d imagined. The feel of her lips underneath his thumb had nearly been his undoing.

But then the sting of her slap had him putting a hand to his cheek, leaning back in his chair, looking surprised. "I did. Is this yer forgiveness?" he asked.

He was not angry, but he was surprised. Why was she pretending not to be affected when she so very clearly was?

She stepped out of their dangerous little circle, and she paced. "Ye are me brother's best friend. Dinnae treat me as one of the many women ye've lured intae yer bed, Bhaltair."

The words stung, each of them feeling like the blade of a knife against his skin. "I dinnae think of ye like that, étaín."

He stood then, too, stiff with embarrassment and anger at himself. She had not forgiven him, really, although she was pretending that it was nothing. However, it was the best he could get, and he knew he had ruined everything with his cold words that day.

What dae ye mean ruined everythin'? Ye cannae have her. Ye can never have her.

His own words shocked him too, for how forceful they were. But they had to be. He needed to get it into his mind that it was never going to happen, no matter how much his heart wanted it to.

étaín paced by him, and as she moved, he smelled the scent of rosewater from her skin. He closed his eyes for a moment. Perhaps he could not stay with her family as long as he wished, for just being near her was becoming more and more difficult. The fact that she was practically naked in front of him, and he could remember the shape of her waist under his hands, was not helping.

"Listen," she said, far more calmly than she"d said anything thus far. She stopped a few feet away from him and put her hands on her hips.

She was so different and yet just the same. There was definitely more than maturity in her eyes, a weight that was not there before and Bhaltair felt himself missing the loss of that innocence when she had shared her love for him.

"I've moved on from wishin' what I did all those years ago, Bhaltair. Ye are here now as me brother's friend, and I think we can be civil tae one another. Fer Kaden's sake. We are both mature enough now tae dae that." She nodded and he nodded back. "But," she added with a bit more sharpness, "that doesnae mean we need tae spend time together, so there is nae reason fer ye tae race after me anymore. Yer words stung, Bhaltair and I willnae forget them. Dae ye understand?"

He stiffened at her cold words, but he knew that this was the only solution. He bowed his head, putting his hands behind his back. He could certainly do civil. That was far easier than this, and he wished he hadn"t come after her. But at least he knew the truth now. Even if she hadn"t said the words, he knew that she hated him through and through. And without her knowing everything, because he could most certainly not share that with her, she would thank him terrible forever.

I will have tae live with that. I have lived with it now fer five years.

"Aye, I understand, lass. I'll bid ye goodnight then." There was a soft knock at the door and Elspeth called out. "Och, perfect timin' then, I think," he said, his jaw tight, his face still stinging, his nose still sore. He nodded again, and then he opened the door. He barely registered the lady"s maid' shocked expression before he squeezed past her and out into the passage.

He planned to drown himself in whisky that evening. For he knew that he would certainly not sleep.