Chapter 3

étaín wanted to remain firm, but even as she stared down at her plate while eating, the silence and the harsh way she had spoken the words made her blush heavily. It was not that she cared for Bhaltair's feelings, but she was embarrassed for Marcus as well as her brother for having heard what she had just said. She knew that it would only lead to Kaden asking her later what she was talking about, and he might even scold her.

Why? Why did I let me feelings take over me mind? Nice work, étaín…

She knew that she couldn"t possibly tell her brother what had happened at the riverside those five years ago. She was so ashamed. She felt so different from the child who had gone after Bhaltair that day desperate to share her feelings, desperate to hear if he cared for her as well before he left for the Lowlands. And now he was back, and he thought that he could simply ask her a question and expect a simple answer in reply, as if he didn"t remember the way his words had cut her. It infuriated her and embarrassed her. She wished that someone, for God"s sake, would speak.

"I… well…" Kaden began, but then he quickly cleared his throat and he said, "étaín has been enjoying bein' the lady of the house after Líadan left. But as I told ye, Bhaltair, she has gained an affinity and a skill with cards which I cannae say that I appreciate."

At that the mood lightened, but étaín still kept her eyes downward, not wanting to look up at Bhaltair for she feared that her foolish heart would feel guilty. She had noticed the shocked look on his face after her words, but she had quickly turned her eyes down, afraid of what else she might see behind that gaze of his.

"Aye, she has also beaten me a number of times, and taken money as well," Marcus added cheerfully, which only contributed to étaín's foul mood. She was hoping that she could commiserate with Marcus at the arrival of Bhaltair. But no, it seemed the man was determined to be suddenly buoyant.

They spoke of other things, and Kaden and Marcus asked Bhaltair a couple of questions while she remained silent. She finished her meal, eager to go upstairs and get away from it all, but she knew that her brother would not allow that. And so, when dessert arrived, she felt at least she had to eat some. Apparently, someone in the kitchens had decided that Bhaltair's arrival was to be celebrated, for she saw a cake coming across the room in the hands of a servant, her eyes watching it the entire time.

Cook's cakes were the best in the Highlands, so she and her family had always sworn, but cook would only make them for a special occasion, and she watched the cake greedily as it got set down on the table.

Kaden burst into laughter. "Bhaltair! Mrs. Gibbons is glad ye've returned, it seems."

étaín couldn't help but look up at Bhaltair at that moment. He was smiling. Still, there seemed to be a weight upon him, but his smile transformed his face. Instantly, it threw her back to that moment at the river when she had fallen, and he had peered over the bushes down at her with a confused expression as well as an indulgent smile.

He had been so kind one moment and then so terrible the next.

She looked away from him and shook her head.

Ye must be strong! Ye have been strong fer five years. Ye can continue! In a few weeks at the most, he will be gone again, and ye can return tae the life ye had afore.

She swallowed, hoping that after the cake her brother would allow her to leave. Marcus was talking about… well, something, étaín couldn't pay enough attention to concentrate on, as Kaden cut the cake and passed out pieces to each of them.

As the slice was pushed in front of her, she realized it was Bhaltair's favorite. She paused, and then, feeling eyes on her, she looked up. Bhaltair was watching her from across the table with those dark brown, fathomless eyes. She wondered what he saw when he looked at her. He did not seem angry at her words but perhaps a little confused, and there was something else, something she could not identify and never had been able to.

Annoyed that she"d remembered it was Bhaltair's favorite cake, she looked away again before she took her fork and took a bite. It made her want to groan aloud, it was so good.

"So, how have things been on yer lands?" Bhaltair asked, and she was grateful that she could continue to remain silent.

She was glad not to be asked any more questions by him and that his gaze was turned to the others.

"Well, things are much better now that everyone believes Líadan's curse tae be over, nae that there was a curse tae begin with."

The men spoke of that for a little while, and Bhaltair ate his cake. étaín couldn"t help but watch. She was glad he wasn"t looking at her, for her cheeks were heating up at the way he ate the delicious confection. He had large hands, so they were not graceful in any sense of the word. But when the cake drew to his lips, she was reminded of his mouth and the way it had felt pressed against her own that day at the river"s edge.

He kissed me back that day. I"m certain of it. Och, but what does it matter now?

Furious at herself, she quickly finished her cake, and then she rose, a little embarrassed that she"d done so right in the middle of the men"s conversation. They quickly turned to her, and then all rose as well.

"Forgive me," she said, her cheeks still feeling pink, wishing she wouldn't look so like a little girl in front of Bhaltair. "But I wish tae retire fer the evening if that would be all right, brother. I"m nae feeling very well."

"Of course," Kaden said, looking surprised again. She would have to deal with him later.

She said good night to Marcus as well as to Bhaltair and she heard their murmured replies. She then walked to the hall door. Elspeth was just passing by, and she hurried out to her lady"s maid as if the woman was a lifeline in a wild sea.

* * *

Bhaltair stared at the door for a few seconds after étaín left. He thought he"d heard her tell her lady's maid that she would bathe that evening, and while her brother was not too far away, he tried to push the image of a beautiful étaín bathing naked out of his mind.

So, at least I ken she is still angry about what happened at the river.

It was as clear as day. He"d known she was angry then, or rather, hurt. She had not said anything before she'd raced off into the woods, and they had not spoken before he left. He had been terribly rude that day, but still, he thought she would have forgotten about him, hers just being young love, a silly crush. He'd so badly bungled her love confession. He had been rude, hopeful that it would make her forget about him for good.

"Perhaps ye too wish tae go tae bed?" Kaden asked him, and with a slight flush, which he hoped was not obvious to Kaden or Marcus, Bhaltair whipped back around to look at his friend.

"Aye, I think so. If it is nae too much trouble. I think I will be far better company with a bit more rest and a bath."

"Of course," Kaden said. "I"ve also put wine and whisky up in yer room if ye wish tae indulge before ye sleep."

"God bless ye," Bhaltair said with a chuckle. "I will have tae thank Mrs. Gibbons on the morrow fer her beautiful cake. Again, she has outdone herself."

"Good man."

Bhaltair left the gentlemen in conversation, and he went back to his room. He saw that his things had been unpacked and the wine and whisky were sat on the table in the corner. He went to it and poured himself a glass of whisky. Taking a sip, he stared out of the castle window, into the dark night. Patches of the ground outside were lit up by the torches that hung on the wall and from the battlements.

He was glad to be in the warm and not out there in the darkness. Briefly, he thought of his brother Tristan, wondering what he was doing in that moment, far away in MacThomas Castle.

Why dae ye think of him? He is a blaigeard, and I doubt he ever thinks of ye.

That was true enough. Tristan had disliked Bhaltair after their mother's death from an illness that Bhaltair had apparently brought into the castle. Or so Tristan and their father, Kieran had sustained. Pushing his brother from his mind, he finished off the whisky and put the glass down with a bang onto the table.

He was feeling bold, and all he knew was that he needed to find out if étaín was still angry with him and why.

Ye already ken she is, the way she brought up yer terrible words at the table.

But he felt like something was scratching at him from the inside, desperate to get out and needed to be resolved. He had no idea how long he was going to stay in the castle, and he couldn"t bear the next few weeks with étaín staring at him as if she hated him. Nor could he bear the thought of Kaden questioning him about why étaín was treating him so coldly.

So, he took off his jacket and poured himself another dram, which he downed before leaving the room. Bhaltair walked quietly down the passage. He knew the castle well and even after his long absence, he was still knew it like the back of his hand. He knew that étaín would be bathing in the common bathing room. It was for the former lady of the house, but now that she was gone, and Líadan was not there either, it would naturally be étaín's to use as she pleased. It was at the far corner of the castle, and Bhaltair knew that there he would be able to get a private audience with her.

The castle felt far more silent than he remembered it being. There were only two of the family left in it now, and as he approached the bathing room door, he felt sorry for étaín and all the pain that she had gone through in the past few years. If only she knew the guilt that he held in his chest, then he hoped perhaps she could one day forgive him.

Or perhaps ye could tell her yer feelings.

He almost laughed aloud at that. No, that could definitely never happen.

Ever since he"d known Kaden, he knew that was never an option. Years ago, a lifetime ago if someone was to ask him now, Bhaltair had been something of a ladies' man. That was why Kaden had told him one day with a serious expression, one of the few times he had seen his friend so serious, that Bhaltair could never touch his sisters or he would have to deal with him. And when étaín had become secretly special to him, he had shoved the feeling down. Far, far down, so that it would never come to light. Feeling her kiss that day at the river had changed everything, and so he'd pushed her away as hard as he could.

Pressing his ear to the bathroom door, he heard voices.

"I will go back on me own, Elspeth, but if ye would bring me tea, I would appreciate it."

"Of course, me lady," Elspeth replied, and then the door opened.

Bhaltair hadn"t entirely given thought to what he was going to do, but he spied an alcove not far away. As soon as étaín came out of the bathroom door, he grasped hold of her and dragged her into the alcove, a hand pressing over her sweet mouth to keep her quiet. She went stiff, and then when he let her go, pressing her first against the far wall of the alcove and stepping back, he realized that she was in naught but a thin night rail.

His eyes widened at the realization and then, before he could say anything, she punched him in the nose.