Chapter 5

As soon as Bhaltair left the room and shut the door, étaín jumped into Elspeth's arms, holding her tightly, barely giving her enough time to put down the tea tray . The tears were coming. She had had enough strength to hold them back until then, but just enough to keep them hidden until Bhaltair left.

"God in Heaven, me lady, what is it? Why was Bhaltair here?"

"Ye were right, Elspeth," étaín said with a groan between sniffs.

She had known Elspeth for years, but ever since Líadan had left, they"d become closer. She was the only woman in whom étaín felt like she could confide.

"What dae ye mean?" Elspeth said, pushing her away until she could stare into her eyes, holding her shoulders tightly.

"Forgive me," étaín said, trying to get a hold on the rush of emotions that raced through her.

Why did they seem to be just as strong as they had been five years ago, as if all the work she"d done had been for nothing?

"I only meant that ye were right. Bhaltair is far more handsome than he was before," she said and then burst into tears again, turning away from her, hurrying to find a handkerchief.

"Blood. Why is there blood?" Elspeth asked in horror as she stepped closer to the chairs by the hearth. "Are ye all right?"

"Aye, aye, I am all right," étaín found a handkerchief on her dressing table and grasped it before going to sit down by the fire again and dabbing at the tears on her cheeks. She sighed wearily, and was grateful that the tears were slowing. "It is a long story, if ye're ready tae hear it."

Elspeth grinned. "I am always ready tae hear stories, especially mysterious ones with blood and handsome men. I will pour the tea."

Once the tea tray was settled between them and two cups poured, étaín began the tale. Elspeth had known of étaín's regard for Bhaltair, but she had not known about the embarrassing rejection. She was horrified at his cruelty.

"I think ye really did ken it was him when he grabbed ye earlier, and that is why ye hit him."

"Aye, perhaps so," étaín said with a morbid laugh.

Her eyes were dry now, but her heart was aching. She had found some modicum of peace in her life, and now Bhaltair had come to shatter it in a matter of moments.

"But now, he is here fer God kens how long. How will I survive tae look at him every day?" She put her face in her hands and groaned. "I worked so hard tae forget him and now…"

"Now that he is back, ye cannae help but think of the past," Elspeth suggested, and étaín removed her hands and looked over at her.

"Aye, quite. Help me, Elspeth. What can I dae tae show him I dinnae think of him any longer? I need him tae ken that I care naught fer him. I cannae afford tae be so hurt again or so looked upon as a foolish young girl."

"Och." Elspeth nodded knowingly and tapped her finger to the side of her nose. "Then dae what ye planned tae dae. Be civil, but dinnae spend time together. Dinnae seek him out, but when ye are all together, speak and ask questions as if ye were simply bein' polite, nae because ye care fer him." Elspeth scrunched up her nose. "Ye ken what would be even better? If there were some handsome man comin' round tae court ye at the same time."

étaín crossed her arms and laughed. "Aye, true enough. Ye are quite skilled at this, it seems. But there is nay one."

"Nay… but perhaps we could find someone. I am sure yer braither wishes ye tae wed sooner rather than later."

"He has hinted at it, but he's never pushed me." étaín blew a strand of hair out of her face and sank lower into her chair. "Well, I shall think about it. I hope he leaves soon, however. Then I willnae need tae think of a plan at all, and things can go back tae the way they were."

Elspeth was quiet, sipping at her tea and staring at her lady. "I suppose," she said.

étaín had far too much experience with an older sister to know what that kind of tone meant. And Elspeth, a few years older than her, was very nearly like an older sister.

"Ye think I am wrong? That I shouldnae punish him?"

Elspeth shrugged. She put down her teacup and picked up one of the biscuits on the tray. "From what ye have said about what he did taenight, it seems that he insulted ye back then, but fer a reason."

étaín snorted. "Because he wished tae push me away fer bein' the younger, foolish sister of his friend."

"Perhaps in part, but…" Elspeth sighed. "What dae I ken? But ye said that he touched yer mouth taenight. Nay man touches the mouth of a woman he doesnae wish tae kiss."

étaín rolled her eyes, the feeling of his thumb on her lip still lingering. She tried her best to push it away, to ignore it, because what good would it do?

"It doesnae matter, Elspeth, I cannae care fer him again. I cannae dae that again."

"Then dinnae," she said with a firm nod. "As I told ye, be civil but ye dinnae need tae be friends or anythin' of the sort. And if ye can find that other man soon, then all the better." She winked at étaín, and to her surprise, étaín started to feel a little bit better.

Without Líadan, things had been lonely. She was happy for her sister and her deep love for the charming Rae, but they had been so close for so long. Now she felt lucky that she had Elspeth to share things with. That made things more bearable, and ever since Bhaltair arrived, things had been utterly unbearable.

"Am I wrong tae be so hurt by what he did?" she asked softly, wondering if she was still that same little girl who'd been immature enough to think a man like Bhaltair, a ladies' man that was nearly ten years her senior, would ever consider her.

"Nay!" Elspeth cried, her eyes wide. "Men can so often be cruel and needlessly at that. And ye were so bold tae tell him of yer feelings, and he should have been gentler with ye. I dinnae ken if I could ever be so bold." She shook her head, her eyes wide.

"But ye and Angus…" began, and Elspeth looked down at her hands. "We havenae said much between us, only that we enjoy spendin' time together. He likes tae talk tae me of his time here, and I like tae talk tae him too."

étaín blinked. She could not imagine her bold lady's maid being unable to share something, even something as delicate as feelings.

"Forgive me, I didnae realize. But Elspeth, ye are always so courageous. I'm surprised. Perhaps…"

Elspeth held up a hand. "Nay, nay, nay, we are discussin ye." She smirked. "Drink yer tea and go tae bed, lass. Ye look exhausted. Think on what I've said. We need another man here and soon. That'll be the way tae punish Bhaltair if I ken men, and I dae." She winked again.

étaín stood, chuckling, and she pulled Elspeth into a hug. "Ye have done so much fer me, Elspeth. What would I dae without ye?"

"Keep hittin' men in the nose, I suppose," Elspeth suggested, and they both fell into fits of giggles.

But by the time Elspeth left, étaín felt serious again. As she slipped into bed, her mind could only focus on the fact that Bhaltair was back in her world again, and he had come to stay for God knew how long. He"d not even been back for a full day, and he"d already touched her, nearly kissed her too. Their bodies had been close, and she"d smelled the scent of him. He'd looked at her mouth; he had even touched it with her fingers, and he had brought up the past.

She felt like an abandoned pasture living in peace until someone had come and tilled the soil, bringing things up from deep down so they were exposed and vulnerable on the top. Yet again, it made her feel weak in his eyes, and she needed to somehow stand strong again.

Remember yer promise, étaín. Ye can dae this. Be civil, but there is nay need tae fall in love with him again.

étaín worried now, however, that she had never fallen out of it.

* * *

The next day, Bhaltair realized that he had actually slept a little because he was woken up suddenly. Adrenaline rushed through his veins, but when he turned and saw it was Kaden shaking him, he relaxed a little. However, he was confused by the rude awakening.

For a moment, when he saw Kaden's stern-looking face, he feared that he"d found out about him grabbing étaín, nearly naked, outside of the bathing room. He hadn"t thought up any excuse, for he"d spent most of his time the night before thinking about étaín and what she"d said as well as the way her skin had felt once more under his fingertips.

Oh, and he had to take care of his aching member, which stood tall and hard for a long time at the thought of étaín's soft lips.

If the consequences of the last five years didn't kill him, Kaden definitely would if he could see the pictures crossing Bhaltair's mind right then. No, no, not crossing. Piercing his mind. étaín's pink buds under her night rail; her small waist under his han–

"Sorry, lad," Kaden interrupted Bhaltair's thoughts and Bhaltair felt a blush painting his cheeks. Damnation. "Ye went tae bed early, and so I thought I'd come and wake ye this morn. Will ye come and have breakfast with me in me study? I ken I'm eager but it has been a long time."

It wasn't like Kaden, but perhaps his friend was simply eager to see him. Bhaltair sat up in bed hiding his blush. "Aye, surely."

He glanced at the window. It was early yet, and unfortunately, he felt just as tired as he had been the night before. The little sleep that had come to him had been tortured with dreams of a past, dreams of an impossible future, both filled with étaín. He thought he"d forgotten her entirely, that he had been able to push her out of his mind because of Kaden's long-ago warning. But now, seeing her again, touching her, speaking to her, had made it all come back with a vengeance. And he had no bloody idea what to do about it.

"All right then," he told his friend, getting out of bed. "I will meet ye there."

He washed and dressed, and then went to the study. Kaden and Marcus were already there, sitting by the hearth. There was a small table with food before them, and Bhaltair joined them, still feeling weary about the early morning awakening.

Marcus looked pleased. "I havenae seen Kaden like this in years, Bhaltair, cheerful and happy. Yer return has done wonders for me friend."

At least someone is pleased by me return,he thought glumly.

"Well, I've missed him dearly too," Bhaltair said and Kaden pushed a plate of food towards him.

"He was just tellin' me about a few stories from the past," Marcus added, leaning back in his chair and crossing his arms, smiling at them both.

Bhaltair looked up at Kaden, and he smiled at him. "Aye, there are many," he said, but what had happened in the past hurt too much and he didn"t really want to dwell on any of it, not right then anyway. He still wasn't ready to dig it all up, whether it a happy part of his past or the part that was dark and tortured.

"Well, I will leave the two of ye be," Marcus said, getting to his feet and patting Kaden on the shoulder. "I'll be trainin' the men if ye need me," he said, and Kaden thanked him before he left.

Even if Marcus seemed cheerful that morning, Kaden seemed a little bit different than he had been the day before. "Ye certainly were eager tae get me up this morn," Bhaltair said teasingly as he bit into a piece of bread.

"Aye, well, I'm sorry about that," Kaden said, shrugging again, making Bhaltair narrow his eyes a bit.

He took a bite as well, and then he was silent for a time. It was a heavy sort of silence. Bhaltair was worried about just what was going on in his old friend's mind. Kaden was never so thoughtful; he usually spoke his mind. He had no doubt that Kaden was a different man than the one he had known, but he also knew that he could not have changed so much.

"I think I'm just eager tae hear everythin', and I dinnae want tae waste any time. I'm sorry." Kaden scrunched up his nose and then he put both his hands flat on the table, squaring Bhaltair with a stark look.

"Tell me, old friend. Why did ye disappear on us? Why could ye nae send word? I find I must ken, and I could hardly sleep last night thinkin' of it. After we lost me faither and stepmaither, we have all become a little tense about losin' people we love in our lives. Even if étaín never says it, the loss of Líadan tae her marriage tae Rae has been a great blow."

Bhaltair put down the rest of the bread that was in his hand. He chewed and looked towards the fire, then he rubbed his hands together to free them of crumbs. He wished he"d spent last evening either sleeping or trying to think of what he would say to Kaden about all this. Instead, he was tired, a deep sort of aching tired, and he felt utterly exhausted that morning.

He wanted to share everything, to unburden himself, but as he began to speak, he felt a weight in his chest, something that made his lungs tighten and his body stiffen. He could practically feel the burn of the scars that were all over his back and partially up his neck. It had been a terrible time and talking about it, all of it, would only open everything up again. He wasn't sure he was ready for that.

But it has been a year since ye'd left that place.

A year of running, of forever thinking that he might be taken again. He bit his lip for a moment before he spoke.

"I ken ye want tae hear about it all because it seems as though I disappeared and didnae say anythin' tae ye because I was angry or because I didnae care about ye all. But that is the opposite of the truth. I dinnae think I am yet ready tae speak of everythin', but I will tell ye this: I… I was a captive, Kaden. I was in the Lowlands, and I couldnae leave. If I had been able tae send word, I would have. I escaped, almost a year ago, and I've been takin' me time comin' back tae hide in various places, but I couldnae wait any longer tae see ye."

Kaden's mouth fell open. "God, I'm sorry, Bhaltair. I had nay idea." He frowned, rubbing at his beard for a moment and then the back of his neck, looking uncomfortable. "Does this have anythin' tae dae with a man named Laird Rendell?" He held up both hands, trying to placate Bhaltair. "I ken that ye are nae ready, but I dae need tae ken that. Me brothers-in-law were all captured by him and held captive fer a time. He is dead now, so there will be nay harm any longer from him if ye are worried."

Bhaltair lifted his brows. "Nay, I have heard the name, but I didnae ken of this. It has been some time since I've been out and about, ye see. It has nothin' tae dae with Laird Rendell. Nae tae me knowledge."

Kaden nodded and for a little bit they returned to eating in silence. "I did hear about yer faither, though, Bhaltair." Kaden cleared his throat, not looking at him. "I'm sorry fer yer loss. It feels strange tae nae have a parent. It's like a piece of ye is missin', whether the relationship was good or nae."

Bhaltair thanked him. "Ye always understood me, and I was always grateful tae yer family fer takin' me in as ye did. I never felt as good anywhere as I did here at Stuart Castle, with everyone laughin' and smilin', and playin' games. It was a second home tae me, me only home if I'm bein' honest. It felt good tae walk through the halls again yesterday after so long away. Even after the pain and grief of the last years, it somehow still feels the same."

But then I ruined it with étaín, and now I will have tae live with her hatred. Can it ever be really home again?

"I'm so glad. Ye are like a braither tae me, the braither I never had. Ye are always welcome here, and I swear tae ye, nay matter how étaín was actin' like last night, ye can stay as long as ye like and need tae. I dinnae ken what has gotten intae her, it's so out of character."

"Thank ye," Bhaltair took a drink, and then when he put the glass down, he said, "I am here tae see ye all, of course. But I must be honest with ye. There is another reason. I escaped, and therefore I am in hidin' and continue tae be so."

"Hidin'?" Kaden asked, still calm but listening intently.

"Aye. And I need yer help."