Chapter 9

That morning, Cathleen woke up groggy, staying in bed several minutes after opening her eyes. The events of the previous night rushed back to her, warmth pooling in her stomach at the thought of Macauley's request. A part of her regretted not giving him what he had truly wanted, not giving herself what she wanted, but it was better that way. She couldn't let herself become attached and a kiss was a bad idea.

After she had dressed and prepared for the day, she left her chambers to find Bonnie already up and about, keeping herself busy with the supplies. It was like a compulsion, Cathleen knew. She needed to remain busy or she would begin thinking about their predicament and she would risk another episode of panic.

"Och, ye're awake," Bonnie said as she beckoned her closer. "Look."

As she spoke, she pulled a large key out of her pocket, a red tassel hanging from the loop at the top. Cathleen examined it, but she didn't know what, precisely, it was used for.

"What is this?" Cathleen asked.

"The key tae Kian's study," Bonnie said. "Well, one o' them. I took it from the head maid when she wasnae lookin'."

Cathleen could hardly believe her own eyes. She knew that was why the two of them were there, but she had never thought it would be so easy for Bonnie to get the key. She had expected everyone to be much more suspicious of them, to be on guard when they were around, but once again, their friendliness had proved limitless. No one suspected them. No one was keeping a close eye on them, worried they might have a more nefarious purpose in mind.

"How did ye get it?" Cathleen asked, looking at her sister with wide eyes.

"They hardly guard it," Bonnie said. "The maid left it on the table as she cleaned an' then forgot all about it so I took it."

O' course. They dinnae expect tae have an enemy in their own castle.

"So we must find the right time tae go intae the study," said Cathleen with a sigh. They were one step closer to their goal, but that brought her little joy. The closer they were to discovering the information they needed, the closer they were to the day when they would have to help Faolan kidnap Deirdre.

The sound of the door opening pulled Cathleen out of her thoughts and she quickly shoved the key in her pocket before she turned to see Kian there, the half of his lips that was visible under the mask quirking up in a small smile. He was always a strange sight with that mask glinting under the light, covering half of his face and making him appear more menacing than he was, the bulk of his expressions hidden behind it. Kian himself seemed to know this and sometimes, when he wanted to put people at ease, the pitch of his voice changed, turning into something gentler than his usual gravelly baritone.

"Good mornin'," he said as he entered their quarters. Bonnie gave him a bow and Cathleen was quick to follow, reminded of their position in the castle. "I came tae tell ye Lachlan is doin' well an' tae thank ye both fer takin' care o' him. His maither is very grateful."

"We're glad he's well," Cathleen said, relieved to hear the boy was fine. When they had taken care of him the previous night, there had been a nagging worry at the back of her mind that perhaps there was an internal injury that would only reveal itself with the passage of time, but it seemed that he was sturdier than he looked.

"I'd like tae ask ye tae show the maithers how tae care fer small wounds," Kian said. "The bairns… well, they are bairns. They'll climb walls an' trees, an' they'll chase each other. It's best if their maithers ken how tae care fer their wounds properly in case ye're too busy tae help or if ye're nae here."

Cathleen couldn't imagine why one of them, at least, wouldn't be there but then she remembered that the time would soon come when neither of them would be able to help. Besides, if there was a war coming, then they needed to know how to best care for their wounded—not only their children, who Cathleen could only hope would remain safe, but their soldiers, as well.

It was a good idea to train the servants. With Cathleen and Bonnie gone, and Deirdre captured, they would be the only ones there able to help.

"O' course," she said. "We will teach them as much as we can."

"Excellent," said Kian. "Deirdre has a table set up already fer ye outside. The maids will soon come tae meet ye."

"Right now?" asked Cathleen. "We must gather supplies."

"Ye have everythin' ye need here, dae ye nae?" Kian swept his arm around the room as if to point at all the supplies it contained. "This is very simple, I assure ye. Ye dinnae have tae teach them about the craft, only what tae dae tae keep the wounds clean an' help them heal. An' Deirdre will help."

With that, Kian guided them outside where there was a large table indeed, already stocked with a few items they would need. Deirdre rushed about, getting everything ready, and when she spotted Cathleen and Bonnie, she gave them a smile so warm that it seemed to rival the sun, even on this bright day.

"Come," Deirdre said, beckoning them closer. "Tell me, what else dae ye need? How can I help?"

"Deirdre, ye've already helped so much," Bonnie said, wide-eyed as she took in the scene in front of her, hands reaching out to explore the pastes Deirdre had laid on the table. "Who made these?"

"I did," said Deirdre. "It's nae much, only a few helpful pastes."

"Ye made them all yerself?" Cathleen asked. There were over a dozen jars there on that table and all of them seemed different.

"Aye," said Deirdre. "I learned some things in a nunnery while I was growin' up, but I dinnae ken as much as ye."

Though Deirdre claimed she didn't have much knowledge, Cathleen couldn't help but disagree. She certainly knew more than she expected and more than Deirdre herself seemed to think.

Soon, the maids joined them, gathering around the table. They were all young women Cathleen had seen around the castle, some of them working in the kitchens, others tending to Kian and Deirdre, others yet dealing with the cleaning. Cathleen tasked some of them with helping her and Bonnie to bring a few more supplies out from their own prepared resources and soon enough, they had everything they needed and more.

Once they were all ready, Cathleen and Bonnie began to explain to the women how to clean and treat the wounds, showing them the uses for each paste and teaching them how to make their own.

"There are several things ye can use," Cathleen told them as Bonnie passed a few jars around, letting the women inspect them. As she glanced at the group, she noticed Macauley standing by a nearby wall, leaning against it, watching intently. "Honey, yarrow, chamomile… they all keep the wound from gettin' infected as it heals."

As she spoke, Cathleen saw Deirdre mouthing the ingredients to herself, though she must have already known what to use. She listened carefully, absorbing everything Cathleen and Bonnie taught the women, and when they put the women into groups and showed them how to dress wounds, she worked quickly and meticulously to wrap her partner's arm, her movements precise and confident. Once she was done, she proceeded to help the other women, guiding them with the patience and simple instructions of someone who was meant for teaching.

Cathleen had to look away. A lump formed in her throat and her eyes stung, tears gathering in the corners. She hoped she could blame it on the sunny day. How else could she explain the sudden shift in her expression?

She felt weary, her limbs heavy as though made of lead. The mere thought of what was to come frightened her, not only because she knew she would have to face Macauley and Kian and everyone else in that clan after they would find out what she had done, but also because she knew the kind of man Faolan was. What if he hurt Deirdre? What if he hurt them all?

He will hurt them all. There will be a war.

People would die, Cathleen knew, if not from a sword, then from what was to follow. She wouldn't put it past Faolan to let them starve to death or to burn down the castle with no regard as to who was still inside.

Would he even hesitate to hurt the children if it meant he would get what he wanted?

By the time they were finished instructing the women, they all seemed a lot more confident handling the healing supplies. Cathleen was relieved to see they had enjoyed it, too, and that they were already planning to make some pastes and salves to keep in the kitchens.

The thought that followed wasn't as pleasant.

They will need them.

As they all cleaned up, Cathleen walked up to Deirdre, a curious frown on her face. "Ye seemed very focused."

"Aye," Deirdre said with a smile. "It was very interestin' tae learn all this."

"But ye already kent much o' it, did ye nae?" Cathleen asked. "Why were ye followin' us so closely?"

Deirdre gave a small shrug. "I may have had some knowledge, but I'm nae a healer like ye an' Bonnie. If I am tae help me people, I must ken as much as I can."

Cathleen didn't know if there had ever been another lady of the clan as admirable and as helpful as Deirdre. She truly cared for all her people, never once refusing to do the hard work, even if she could leave it in the hands of another. Cathleen had never encountered such fierce kindness before and she couldn't imagine how she could ever hurt such a woman.

"Ye said ye learnt some o' it growin' up?" Cathleen asked, just so she could talk about something to distract herself. "Who taught ye?"

"I grew up in a nunnery," Deirdre said. "The sisters there taught me everythin' I ken about. They raised me from the time I was a wee bairn."

Cathleen looked at her, mouth hanging open in surprise. "A nunnery?"

She would have never guessed that Deirdre had spent her first years of life in a nunnery, though perhaps it shouldn't have come as such a big surprise, considering how kind she was. Perhaps the very same sisters who had taught her the craft of healing were also the ones who had taught her goodwill and selflessness.

"Aye. Me faither sent me there when I was very young, after me maither's death," Deirdre said. "I was supposed tae take the vows meself but then I met Kian an'… well, I couldnae. I wished tae be with him."

Cathleen could imagine Deirdre as a nun. She had the right disposition for it, she thought. "An' how did ye meet Kian? At the nunnery?"

"Och nay," Deirdre said, laughing. "Nay, I went tae the castle. I was lookin' fer Macauley, actually. It is a long an' odd story."

"I have time tae listen tae it." Cathleen shrugged, slowing her movements as she helped clean up the table. She was curious now. She wanted to learn more.

"There was a man, Shane," Deirdre said, and for the first time, there was venom in her voice. Whoever that man was, he certainly wasn't a good one, Cathleen thought. "When me faither died, Shane pretended tae be a distant cousin who was taking over the clan. He wished tae marry me tae make sure that nae one could take the lairdship from him, but he… he was a very unpleasant, violent man. Macauley had helped me an' me sister rebuild our clan after our faither was gone an' we became good friends, so I kent he would help me if I asked. However, he wasnae here an' so Kian decided tae help me himself. I suppose everythin' happened backwards fer us. First, he married me so Shane couldnae have a claim on me or the clan an' then we fell in love."

Cathleen had stopped cleaning up as she listened to the story, too engrossed in it to move. For a few moments, she remained quiet, in disbelief. "Ye're jestin'."

Deirdre laughed, the sound bright and happy. "Nay, I promise ye, that is precisely what happened. I was lucky Macauley wasnae here. I dinnae think I would have married Kian if he was."

Cathleen couldn't imagine Deirdre and Kian with anyone but each other. They seemed to be so in love still, always in each other's orbit, always drawn to each other. Somehow, though, it was easy not to envy them but to admire them instead. Cathleen could only hope she could have that kind of love one day.

But how could she? She didn't deserve anything like this, not when she was about to destroy it.

For a while, Cathleen fell silent, not knowing what to say, but then Deirdre asked, "What about ye an' Macauley?"

It wasn't a question Cathleen had expected to hear. Was it so obvious, after all, that she had feelings for him? Did Macauley himself know?

She had tried her best to stay away from him, to put enough distance between them so as not to fall into the trap of an infatuation, but she had failed. Perhaps it was punishment for what she was about to do—a cruel joke of the universe, giving her what she wanted the most when she knew she couldn't have it.

"I dinnae understand," Cathleen said, deciding that the best course of action was denial.

"O' course ye dae," Deirdre said. "I've seen how ye look at him. An' I've seen how he looks at ye. I may nae ken ye that well yet, but I ken him. He likes ye very much, Cathleen."

Swallowing drily, Cathleen glanced at Macauley, who was still hovering near them, chatting with some of the maids. He was cheerful, smiling at them, but when their gazes met it was as though something shifted inside him, the joy written plainly across his handsome features.

Cathleen never once stood a chance.

The moment she met his eyes, Macauley excused himself from the crowd of women and approached her, and Cathleen didn't miss Deirdre's subtle departure, leaving the two of them alone. A part of her was glad for it, since she wouldn't be there to witness all of Cathleen's embarrassing and half-hearted attempts to keep Macauley away, but another part of her wished she had stayed. She desperately needed someone to act as a buffer between her and Macauley, someone to lessen all that tension.

"Ye did great work here," Macauley said. "I think I may have learnt a few things meself."

"Did ye? That's good. Useful," Cathleen said, trying to appear busy in the hopes that Macauley would leave. Of course, she doubted she would be that lucky. "Did ye watch from the reparing'?"

"Och aye," said Macauley. "I like tae watch ye talk about all this. Ye seem tae love what ye dae."

"I like tae help people. That is all," Cathleen said, the words almost choking her. It wasn't a lie—at least she didn't think it was. It did give her joy to help, to take care of others, but her choice to obey Faolan unsettled her.

Am I a terrible person, after all?

If she could have, she would have offered to marry Faolan herself, but she knew he would have never accepted. Bonnie was the first-born. She was the one he needed in order to secure his claim to the clan.

"It is admirable," Macauley said, and when Cathleen couldn't find it in her to respond, he opened his mouth as if to speak again, but he didn't manage to say anything. He only hovered awkwardly near her, shifting his weight from one foot to the other nervously.

For someone who was so popular with women, he certainly seemed to have trouble talking to Cathleen, but it was better that way. The less they talked, the better.

"Well," Cathleen said, drawing in a sharp breath. "I must take these inside. Excuse me."

With that, she fled, her arms full of jars and vials, hurrying to her quarters. The moment there was a wall between her and Macauley, she could finally relax, shoulders dropping and heart calming in her chest.

Bonnie, already sorting everything back into the shelves, looked at her over her shoulder. "What is it?" she asked, concern tinging her voice. "Why dae ye look like that?"

"Like what?" Cathleen asked as she placed everything on the large table.

"Frightened," said Bonnie. "Did reparing' happen?"

Cathleen shook her head. For a brief moment, she dared to glance out of the window, her gaze seeking Macauley. He was with Deirdre and Kian now, the three of them talking quietly, and from the smile on Deirdre's face Cathleen was quite certain she could tell what they were discussing. Perhaps she was even encouraging him.

Cathleen shifted her gaze before Macauley could spot her. "I am frightened," she told Bonnie. "I am very frightened, sister."

* * *

Talking to Cathleen was, as usual, a maddening exercise.

Macauley couldn't understand how she could sometimes seem so receptive to his advances and other times so disinterested. Had it been anyone else, he would have thought it was all a game to her, but from what he knew of Cathleen, he doubted she was simply toying with him.

Because toying, he understood. What he didn't understand was whatever was now happening between them.

"Ye're watchin' her again?" Deirdre teased as she and Kian slid up to him where he stood by the table outside the healer's quarters. "She must be the safest lass in the Highlands with ye watchin' her all the time."

Macauley rolled his eyes. He much preferred the days when he was the one teasing Deirdre about Kian, but now it seemed there was no escaping her running commentary. Every time he saw her, which was frustratingly often, she had something to say.

It was revenge, he knew, for all the teasing to which he had subjected her.

"Ye make me sound like I have bad motives," Macauley said. "I'm simply… gazin'."

"Gazin'," said Kian, sounding entirely unimpressed. "Is that what ye call this?"

"Did ye want reparing' or did ye only come here tae make me suffer?" asked Macauley, much to Kian's and Deirdre's delight. They laughed, the sounds eerily similar. The longer they were together, the more they began to resemble each other in their mannerisms, in the way they spoke and moved.

"I only wished tae tell ye I'm sure she feels the same," Deirdre said.

"I doubt that." It seemed like it sometimes, but how could Macauley convince himself it was true when she was acting so cold towards him now? "She wouldnae even let me kiss her."

Gasping, Deirdre grasped his arm in an iron grip. For such a small woman, she surely had plenty of strength when she wanted it. "Ye tried tae kiss her?"

"I did," Macauley said, trying to pry his arm free. "I took her tae the roof tae see the stars."

Judging by the incredulous look Deirdre gave him and the weary sigh that left Kian's lips, they thought it had been the wrong thing to do if he wanted to kiss her. He couldn't see why, though. It had been romantic under the stars, or at least so he had thought.

"Ye should court her properly, Macauley," Deirdre said. "She's nae some courtesan ye can expect tae kiss without any effort! Kian, tell him."

Before Kian could speak, Macauley held up a hand, stopping him. "I thought I made an effort. I told ye, I showed her the stars."

"It's nae enough," Deirdre insisted. "Ye must dae more if ye wish tae charm her. An' ye wish tae charm her, dae ye nae?"

Macauley couldn't even deny it. His cheeks heated as he lowered his gaze, too embarrassed by his own feelings to look at anything but the ground. Two hands grabbed him then, one small and the other big and Macauley glanced up once more to see Kian and Deirdre regarding him like concerned parents. With a scowl, he shrugged them off, turning on his heel to get away from them.

"Remember what I told ye!" Deirdre called after him. "Court her properly."

Macauley didn't even look at her. He only waved his hand dismissively, all but running as he headed back into the castle.

"Fine!"