Chapter 8

CHAPTER 8

MATTHEW

“ C ome on, kiddo. Why don’t you sit up here and watch?” I lift Emmie up and sit her on the counter next to the stove. She giggles and reaches for the bottle dispenser I use to hold the thinner pancake batter.

About a year ago, I learned how to make faces and designs in pancakes by using a squirt bottle. Emmie loves it and asks for pancakes almost every day. I typically only agree to it on the weekends, but after the day we had yesterday, I couldn’t refuse her.

“Can I squirt it in?” She looks at me with wide eyes, clutching the bottle with both hands.

“Sure. What do you want to make?”

“A smiley face.” Her own smile grows as she uses the bottle tip to draw eyes, a nose, and a big grin out of pancake batter. I give it a few seconds to brown before I spoon a larger dollop of thicker batter on top. Once the batter starts to bubble, I flip it. Emmie claps and kicks her legs in excitement. This never gets old.

“Well, would you look at that?” I grin and kiss her cheek. “This just might be the best smiley face I’ve ever seen.”

“Let’s make more.” She holds the squirt bottle close to her chest waiting for the first one to be done.

“What do you want to make next?” I ask as I flip the finished pancake onto a plate .

“More smiley faces.” She starts to draw the face before I have a chance to question her.

“Really? You don’t want me to make you a horse?”

“Nope.” She shakes her head and grins. I put on a forced frown because she always wants horses. The whole reason I learned to make pancakes like this was so she could have more horses. She looks up at me and laughs. “Stop it Daddy. We need happy faces today. I think Jessica will like them.”

I freeze midway through adding the thicker batter on top of the current smiley face. Emmie nudges my arm and points at the skillet. “Daddy, hurry up before it burns.”

“Oh, sorry.” I quickly spoon more batter over the face and watch Emmie carefully. She looks really happy considering what happened yesterday. “So, we’re making these for Jess.”

“Yep.” Emmie doesn’t even break her gaze off the skillet. She’s ready to make another face as soon as this one comes off. “She’s sad, and we need to make her feel better. Smiley faces will help.”

I brush her hair back from her face and kiss her forehead. “You’re a good kid, you know that?”

She shrugs. “I know.”

“And modest.” I laugh. “You’re also very modest.”

She looks up at me and frowns. “I don’t know what that means.”

“It means—”

“Jessica!” Emmie yells in my ear, causing me to flinch. She starts bouncing and kicking her legs on the counter. “Let me down, Daddy!”

I look over my shoulder, and Jessica is standing in the entryway with her hands on her hips. Her hair is wet, and she’s not wearing make-up. I like her better natural. She’s also wearing a bright blue t-shirt and jeans. I thought she looked good in the dress she had on yesterday but seeing her like this is way hotter.

My mouth runs dry, and it feels like sandpaper scratching my throat when I swallow. I feel a strong tug inside me to go to her, to pull her close and hold her tight against me.

“Morning,” she says. There’s a faint smile on her face when she makes eye-contact with me. I open my mouth to respond, but nothing comes out. Instead, I flip the pancake before it burns.

Emmie starts bouncing on the counter even more. I lift her off and put her down, so she doesn’t fall. She immediately runs over to Jessica and wraps her arms around her waist. I can’t even find the words to explain how it feels to see my daughter hug Jessica like that. It’s everything I’ve ever dreamed could be real, and yet it feels like a nightmare since I’m pretty sure Jessica hates me.

“We’re making smiley face pancakes just for you.” Emmie’s beaming face draws a bigger smile out of Jessica, and my chest tightens.

“For me?” Jessica leans down until she’s eye-level with Emmie. “Are you sure they’re just for me? I bet you like pancakes, too.”

“I do. I guess they’re for both of us. But they definitely have smiley faces for you.”

“Smiley faces, huh?” Jessica wrinkles her brow, putting on a playful, suspicious expression just for Emmie. It’s more than I could ever have hoped for from her and makes my chest tighten even more. “I can’t say I’ve ever had a smiley-face pancake.”

Emmie claps her hands and runs back to me. “Did you hear that Daddy? She's never had them before! Can I show them to her?”

“How about you do one better and let’s make her a plate?” Together, we plate up a couple pancakes. Emmie carefully walks around the island to the stools on the opposite side. The butter and syrup are already out, and I sit a plate of bacon in the middle.

“Here,” Emmie says as she sits the plate down. “You can sit next to me.”

“Oh wow, these look too happy to eat.” Emmie runs to the drawer on the opposite wall to grab the flatware. Even though Jessica is smiling while she watches her, I see sadness in her eyes. I hate that my greatest joy in life is making her sad. Jessica and I talked about having kids after we got married. She wanted two and I wanted four. Seeing how she looks at Emmie is just another reminder that I lost the one woman I truly loved, and I may never get her back.

“Here you go.” Emmie hands her a fork and knife

“Thank you.” Jessica takes the flatware and they both sit down. Emmie stares at Jessica with a constant grin on her face.

I sit a plate of pancakes down for Emmie and pour her a cup of orange juice. I grab an extra coffee mug and pour some coffee for Jessica. “You still drink it black?” I ask .

She nods but doesn’t look up at me. I’m grateful she’s being kind to Emmie, but she’s still keeping her distance from me. All I can think about is taking her into my arms and hugging her until that distance between us goes away. It’s what I should’ve expected, though. But a part of me—a very foolish part—had hoped she’d be ready to talk to me today.

“Do you like horses?” Emmie asks as she stuffs a bite of pancakes into her mouth.

“I do. Riding is one of my favorite pastimes.”

Emmie’s face lights up and makes me smile. “Really? Me, too! I want to ride a big horse, but Daddy won’t let me.”

Jessica gives her a fake pout. “My dad was the same way when I was your age. It used to make me so mad, but he just wanted me to be safe.”

Emmie looks at me and smiles. “Yeah, that’s my daddy, too.”

“Give it a couple years, and I bet you’ll be riding circles around your daddy.” Jessica glances at me as I sit down across from her and Emmie. She looks a little more relaxed than when she first walked in and that makes me feel a little more at ease. Even though I know she’s not staying, I really want her and Emmie to get along. “You just have to be patient.”

“How old were you when you were allowed to ride big horses?”

Jessica taps her finger on her chin and looks up at the ceiling like she’s thinking hard. “I think I was six, no, seven years old, before my daddy let me loose on a big horse by myself.”

“Seven! I can’t wait that long. That’s so far away.”

“Sure you can.” Jessica nudges her shoulder as she takes a drink of her coffee. “You’ve got so much growing and learning to do. Especially if you want to be a show jumper.”

“Oh, I do. But if I want to win ribbons like that girl in the picture, I need to start now.”

Jessica chuckles. “I can understand why you think that, but can I tell you a secret?”

Emmie nods. She’s hanging on every word Jessica says. I can’t remember the last time Emmie’s been this excited around a new person. The more excited she gets, the more Jessica relaxes. And the more it makes me want to go to her and wrap my arms around her waist and press my lips to hers. These are thoughts I shouldn’t be having if I want her time here to go smoothly.

Jessica leans close to Emmie’s ear and whispers. “That girl in the picture is me.”

Emmie gasps, her eyes wide, and covers her mouth with her little hands. “Daddy! Did you know that was Jessica?”

I smile. “I did.”

“Wow.” Emmie looks up at Jessica in total awe. This is what I’d always hope could happen but instead of feeling relieved, I’m saddened. This is what I wanted with Jessica but never got.

I’ve been such an idiot where she’s concerned. If I could go back in time and stop the eighteen-year-old version of me from breaking up with her the first time, I would. No hesitation.

“Emmie, you need to finish your breakfast. Grandma will be here soon to pick you up.”

Emmie’s shoulders sag and she groans. “Can I stay with Jessica today instead?”

I shake my head. “I’m sure Jess has other things she has to do today.”

“He’s right.” Jessica brushes Emmie’s hair over her shoulder, and my heart aches at the kindness she’s showing my daughter. “I’ve got meetings I have to attend today. But I’ll be in town for a couple of weeks. Maybe we can go riding together while I’m here.”

“Really?”

“Sure. As long as your daddy doesn’t mind.”

Emmie looks at me with wide eyes like there’s a chance I would say no. This kid knows me better than that. “I don’t mind. Now finish eating so you can go get ready for Grandma.”

Emmie smiles and stuffs the last of her pancakes into her mouth before she runs off to get dressed. Now that she's gone, the silence in the kitchen is awkward.

I glance up at Jessica and she’s pushing her food around her plate, looking just as uncomfortable as I feel. I clear my throat and take a drink of my coffee, mostly for courage, before I say, “Thanks for being kind to Emmie. I appreciate that.”

She looks up at me, her eyes wide like she’s surprised I spoke. She wipes her mouth with a napkin and nods. “She’s a sweet kid. You did good.”

I smile. “Thanks. It’s not been easy for her with it being just me. But we make do.”

Jessica drinks the last of her coffee before she stands. Her expression is distant, almost sad again. “Well, thanks for breakfast. This was nice.” She picks up her dirty dishes and takes them to the sink. Without looking at me again she walks toward the back door. “I’m going to go for a morning walk. Clear my head and think before I have to go to the funeral home.”

I don’t look up at her as she walks past me. I hear the back door open and close, signaling that she’s gone. Staring at my plate of breakfast, I haven’t eaten more than a couple bites and I’m no longer hungry. I run my hands down my face and let out a low, deep groan.

Having Jessica in the house is going to be so much harder than I thought it’d be. I thought I could handle her being here without constantly thinking about touching her, holding her. But if this morning is any indication of how the rest of her stay will go, I’m in trouble.

I place the last of the dishes in the dishwasher when there’s a knock on the door. I check the time. It should be my momma, but she doesn’t knock. If it were her, she’d come right in.

A sinking feeling settles in my gut at the memory of the last unexpected visitor who knocked on my door. If it’s someone else with bad news, I’d rather they just go away.

But I smile when I open the door. “Ryan!”

“Hey, man.” He opens his arms for a hug, and I welcome his tight embrace. Despite everything that happened between Jessica and me, I’m glad I’ve stayed close with her younger brother.

“It’s good to see you again. How was your trip?” I step back and wave Ryan inside.

“Crazy. It took three flights and over fourteen hours. I had to stay the night in Salt Lake City.”

“Where was your starting point? ”

“Tampa. We were getting ready for a double-header when Richard called.” Ryan follows me into the kitchen just as Emmie runs down the stairs.

“Daddy, I’m ready.” She stops as soon as she sees Ryan. It’s been so long since she met Ryan.

“Emmie, this is Jessica’s brother, Ryan,” I say.

Ryan kneels next to her and smiles. “Hey there, Emmie. We met once a long time ago, but I doubt you remember me.”

She shakes her head. “Do you like horses as much as Jessica?”

Ryan looks up with raised brows. Probably because he’s surprised to learn Emmie knows his sister. “Jessica’s here already. She’s out for a walk. And Emmie here is a tad horse obsessed.”

Ryan nods, his eyes shifting from excitement to worry before he turns his smile toward Emmie. “Well, there’s nothing wrong with that. I like horses, but definitely not like my sister. I’m more of a baseball fan.”

Emmie rolls her eyes. “Baseball’s okay, but horses are way better.”

“Hello.” My momma’s voice rings through the house. She appears in the doorway of the kitchen before anyone has a chance to respond. “Ryan! It’s so good to see you. Get up here and give me a hug.”

“Hey, Rosie.” Ryan’s smile grows. He hugs Momma and she pats him on the back.

“How was your trip home?”

“Long. Very, very long.”

Momma smiles before she turns to me. “Where’s Jessica?”

I point toward the back door. “She went for a walk.”

“I think I better go find her,” Ryan says. His smile fades and a darkness casts over his eyes. “I’m guessing she and I need to talk anyway.”

I nod. “Yes, I’d say you’re probably right about that. Just leave your bag here. I’ll take it up to your old room for you. Momma cleaned it up yesterday.”

Ryan tosses my momma a smile and pulls her in for another hug. “Thanks, Rosie. I could’ve done that.”

“It was nothing.” Momma waves goodbye as he walks out the back door. She reaches down and picks up Emmie. “Geez, you’re getting too big for me to pick up. Are you ready to go to my house?”

“Yep.”

“Say goodbye to your daddy and let's go. We have a call with your grandparents in a couple hours and we have lots to do beforehand.”

“Yay!” Emmie’s smile grows. She loves Emily’s parents. They still live in Colorado, and they only get to see each other a couple times a year. These weekly video calls my momma schedules keeps them involved in Emmie’s life despite the distance.

Momma puts Emmie down and she rushes over to give me a hug. “You be good for Grandma. I’ll see you after work, okay.”

“Okay. Love you.” She wraps her little arms around my neck and kisses my cheek.

“Love you, too, kiddo.” I give her a kiss before I sit her down. I wave goodbye as Emmie and Momma walk hand-in-hand out the front door. I glance out the back window and see Jessica sitting next to one of the large trees in the backyard. A strong urge to go to her overwhelms me. But I see Ryan walking toward her and know this is not the time. He wasn’t kidding when he said they had things to discuss. I just hope Jessica isn’t in a worse mood when they’re done.