Chapter 7

CHAPTER 7

JESSICA

M y body is shaking, and if not for this wall behind me, I’d fall to the ground.

He was going to kiss me, and I was going to let him.

I drop my head back and mumble, “I’m not going to survive this visit.”

Rolling my head to the side, I watch Matthew as he slides into his truck and drives off. My gaze follows his truck until it disappears down Main Street.

I hate that he’s right. I don’t have any other option than to stay in my house. There’s no place to rent and I’ve severed all ties with the friends I had here. I don’t feel right asking one of them to let me crash. If I want to keep my sanity and my resolve, he has to leave while I’m there. I feel bad, especially for his daughter, but what choice do I have?

I head to my car and drive back to the house. When I park next to his truck in the driveway, I let out a slow, even breath. The house looks peaceful and welcoming even though I don’t feel the least bit welcomed.

When I reach the front door, I try the handle and it opens. Gotta love country life. Unlike the city, no one ever locks their doors.

I hear Matthew and his mom talking in the kitchen. If I’m not mistaken, Emmie is crying. I cringe knowing I’m responsible for that. None of this is her fault. She’s just a little girl, and I’m being so unfair to her.

Instead of going to the kitchen, I head upstairs to my old room. When I reach the door, it’s closed. I hesitate before I open it, unsure if I’m ready to face the memories of Matthew and me together in my childhood room.

When I open the door, I gasp. Nothing has changed. It looks the same as it did the last time I was home. Same yellow bedspread with matching curtains. All my ribbons and pictures from my horse jumping competitions are still on the shelves. I can’t believe he left it untouched. I spin around and glance down the hall, wondering what else hasn’t changed.

The door across the hall from my old room is ajar, and I catch a glimpse of pale pink and purple decor. I leave my room behind and head across the hall to what used to be my mom’s crafting room. The windows are covered with lace curtains and the bed has a matching lace bed skirt and fluffy purple comforter. Several pink and purple lace and sequin pillows are arranged at the top with a few stuffed animals in the mix. The walls are covered in images of horses. Most of them of real horses, but a few are cartoon drawings.

But there’s one photo that catches my eye. It’s mounted above the headboard just below dark purple block letters that spell out Emmie.

It’s a picture of me after I won my first blue ribbon for junior show jumping. I was fifteen. I run my fingers along the bottom of the frame and smile. I looked so happy back then. Hell, I was happy. After winning the ribbon I remember thinking I was the luckiest person alive. That my life would only get better. I loved riding, I had a boyfriend who loved me, and parents that supported my dream of taking over the vineyard someday.

I sit down on the edge of the bed and pick up a framed picture from the nightstand. It’s Emmie with a huge smile on her face sitting in front of Matthew on a full-grown horse. She looks so tiny in the saddle, and I can’t help but smile. I was just like that at her age. All I wanted to do was ride big horses like all the women I watched compete. Forget ponies. Those were for babies. I wanted to be just like those women and win all the ribbons .

“This is my room.” I look up, and Emmie is standing in the doorway. She wipes her cheeks dry and stands tall like she’s trying to be brave.

“This used to be my mom’s crafting room.” I glance around and smile. “Although, I don’t recall it being this pretty when I lived here.”

“You’re the lady making us leave.” She’s not asking, she’s telling me she knows who I am.

I turn around and point to the picture of me above her bed. “Where did you get that picture?”

She relaxes a little and walks over to me. “It was already here. I like it and Daddy said I could keep it. One day I want to be like her and win.”

I smile. “I’m sure you will someday.”

“Are you really going to make us leave?” When I look back at her, I meet the same dark green eyes of the man I fell deeply in love with. The man I still love, and probably always will.

A single tear falls from her eye, and her bottom lip pops out like she’s perfected this pouty look.

I close my eyes and shake my head. David’s right. I’m a softy. There’s no way I can make this girl leave. “Of course, not. I could never make you leave this room. It looks like it suits you.”

She lunges forward and wraps her arms around my waist. I’m so taken aback by her hug that my arms fly out to my sides, and I stiffen. “Thank you. I knew you were too nice to make us leave.”

My arms slowly fall, and I return her embrace. There’s a part of me that really needed a hug. I love the feel of her little arms around me. But there’s another part of me that’s freaking out because of who this is. Regardless, I feel better. “Why do you say that?”

She looks up at me and smiles. “I can just tell. You have kind eyes. And you’re too pretty to be mean.”

A huge smile spreads across my face. “Why, thank you.”

She releases me and bounces on her feet. “Can I go tell Daddy you’re letting us stay?”

“Why don’t you let me go do that?” I pinch her nose and she giggles. “You stay here and play with your horses. I have a few other things to discuss with him as well.”

She runs over to the corner of her room where her toy box is and starts pulling out toys like I’m not even there. She’s already recovered. I wish I was that resilient and could overcome pain and heartache that quickly.

I head downstairs and find Matthew leaning against the counter in the kitchen. His mom is sitting in a stool next to him. They’re talking quietly. I assume so Emmie doesn’t hear.

I take another step forward and a floorboard creaks under my foot. Matthew’s eyes jump to mine, and for a split second I see want and desire burning in his gaze. But it vanishes quickly, and I question whether I really saw it or if it’s nothing more than wishful thinking.

In some sick, twisted way, I want Matthew to still want me. I want him to ache for me the way I still ache for him. I’ve been tortured by this hole in my heart for so long. I guess I want someone else to know the pain it’s caused me. It’s made me miserable over the years, and the idea of a miserable Matthew alongside me brings me comfort. Yep, definitely sick and twisted.

The silence grows awkward. But then Rosie jumps up and pulls me into a hug, easing the tension that’s starting to build. “Jessica, it’s so good to see you, dear.”

She tightens her hold. Even though I return her hug, I’m stiff and uncomfortable. Not because I don’t want a hug from Rosie, but because of the additional pain it drags out of me. She was supposed to be my mother-in-law. There was a long period of my life where I called her Momma. That’s how close we were. Even his family had already accepted that we would marry one day. I had already integrated into their family like a sister, daughter, wife.

I pull away from her embrace and clear my throat. I glance at Matthew, but quickly look down at my hands. “You and Emmie don’t have to leave. I can’t kick her out of her room and home. It’s not fair to her to let our issues impact her.”

Rosie reaches for my hand and squeezes, but I keep my eyes down. If I look at her, I’ll cry again. I don’t want Matthew to see me cry anymore. He doesn’t deserve my tears.

“I made up the guest room for you down the hall,” Rosie says. “I figured you’d be more comfortable there than upstairs, close to everyone else. The guest bathroom attached is a little outdated, but it’s clean and private. ”

I nod and slip my hand out of hers. Without looking back, I head down the narrow hall behind the kitchen to the guest room.

My body is shaking when I sit down on the bed. I’m both mentally and physically exhausted.

I didn’t sleep much last night. I couldn’t get my mind to shut off long enough to let sleep take me. I had too many warring thoughts about this visit—anxiety over coming home after so many years away, the potential of seeing Matthew again, seeing my brother, planning a funeral for a man I loved dearly, yet ignored for the last year. My thoughts weigh me down like a sack of sand is resting on my shoulders.

I physically ache all over.

Seeing Matthew was inevitable. I knew that before I left Seattle, but nothing prepared me for how seeing him makes me feel. I want to hate him so much. If I hated him, it would make not being together so much easier.

But no matter how much he hurt me, I will always love Matthew. He’s a part of my soul, and there’s nothing I can do to change that.

A light rap on the door draws my eyes up. I wipe away the tears running down my face. I’m not surprised I’m crying again, but I was so lost in my thoughts, the tears didn’t even register.

“Can I come in?” Rosie asks.

I shrug and give her a slight nod.

She sits down next to me, and wraps her arm around my shoulder. My body craves motherly affection, and I sink into her. My head falls to her shoulder, and her other arm comes around me. I grasp hold of it with my hand.

I crumble. Again. Full on body shaking sobs.

Only this time I’m not alone with my tears. The harder I cry, the tighter her arms wrap around me. It feels good. For years, I’ve longed to be held like this again. To feel this loved again. I didn’t just lose Matthew when we broke up, I lost my second family, too. I didn’t realize until this moment, I’d been mourning two losses all these years. Two families were ripped away from me five years ago. One by a tragic car accident, and the other by a marriage.

By running away, and never coming back to this place, I’ve never dealt with either loss.

“I’m so sorry, Jessica. Had I known, I would’ve told you myself. I hope you know that.”

I nod because I can’t seem to form words right now.

Rosie squeezes my shoulder and kisses the top of my head. “You know you’ll always be family, dear. No matter how things end up with Matt, you’ll always be like a daughter to me.”

Her voice cracks on those last words. All these years I never thought about how my leaving affected the rest of Matthew’s family. I only considered my heart and how broken I felt. I look up at Rosie and see her pain so clearly. Me leaving hurt her just as much as it hurt me.

“I’m so sorry, Rosie.”

“None of that.” She dries her eyes and takes a deep breath. “We all understood why you never came back. We didn’t like it, but we understood.”

“Thank you. It means a lot to hear you say that.”

She pats my hand before releasing me and standing. “Matt got called over to the clinic to care for an injured horse. You’re free to get settled without worrying about running into him. I’ll be here through dinner. Just let me know if you need anything.”

I nod. She gives me another gentle smile before she leaves. I really should get my bags out of my car, but I’m too exhausted. Instead, I kick off my shoes and curl up on the bed. I grab the throw blanket folded at the foot of the bed and pull it up to my chin. Maybe after a little sleep, I’ll be able to think more clearly.