Chapter 16

CHAPTER 16

MATTHEW

I woke up early to make Jessica her favorite breakfast—cornmeal pancakes with strawberries. As rough as our Sunday ride was, I feel like she and I reached a turning point. If I don’t keep the positive momentum moving forward, she’ll revert to avoiding me. I can’t let that happen.

“Can I mix it up?” Emmie looks up at me with bright eyes. She’s more than eager to help me make Jessica happy. My little girl has taken to Jessica more than she’s taken to anyone outside our family. It both pleases and terrifies me. If Jessica stays in Watercress Falls, then it’ll be fine, even if things don’t work out between us. I’ll never deny my daughter a relationship with someone I trust. Emmie looks up to her like a role model, and she couldn’t have picked a better one.

But if Jessica decides to go back to Seattle, my little girl will be crushed. She’ll put on a strong front—she always does—but it’ll be hard for her to accept.

I add the last of the dry ingredients to the bowl and sit it in front of Emmie. “Let me get the buttermilk, then you can stir.”

I ruffle her hair and she groans as I walk past her toward the refrigerator. She hates it when I do that to her. She says it makes her feel like a baby. But she’s growing up way too fast. Hearing her say she’s not a baby anymore triggers every one of my daddy instincts to argue otherwise .

I measure out the buttermilk and slowly pour it over the cornmeal mix while Emmie stirs. “Don’t over stir. Remember we want some of those clumps.”

“I won’t.” She swirls the wooden spoon in the bowl with a determined look on her face while I crack the eggs. She loves helping in the kitchen, and at this rate, she’s going to be a better cook than me before she hits double digits.

I kiss the top of her head and walk back to the stove to check on the bacon. A few seconds later I hear Emmie squeal. When I turn around, she’s got her arms wrapped around Jessica’s waist. Jessica enthusiastically returns the hug and kisses her cheek. “What are you two up to in here? It smells wonderful.”

“I asked Daddy what your favorite breakfast was, and he said cornmeal pancakes. So we’re making you some.” Jessica’s eyes shift to mine, and I smile. That’s not exactly how it happened, but I love Emmie for taking the credit, and therefore, the pressure off me.

“He’s right. They are my favorite. And are those strawberries by the sink?” Jessica’s eyes widen and her smile grows.

“Yep!” Emmie looks up at Jessica like she’s searching for approval. “You love those too, right?”

“Oh, girl. You’re pulling hard on my heart this morning. Not much makes me happier than strawberries dipped in maple syrup.” Emmie’s smile grows wider than I’ve seen in a long time. Jessica ruffles her hair the same as I did a moment ago, but instead of groaning, Emmie leans into Jessica for a side hug. I chuckle and shake my head before checking on the bacon.

“See, Daddy? I told you strawberries and maple syrup belong together.” Emmie’s voice is firm, like she’s ready to argue her point until I concede. Jessica laughs as she grabs a mug from the cabinet and pours herself a cup of coffee.

She leans against the counter next to me, and pins me with a teasing smile. My entire body comes to life. “Yeah, Daddy . Please, tell me you haven’t been trying to convince this girl otherwise.”

Her teasing tone alone is enough to get my body worked up, but hearing her call me Daddy nearly did me in. It was always supposed to be her who bore our children and spent the rest of her life doing this with me and our kids .

Our eyes lock and from the way her eyes shift I think she realizes what she said and how it’s impacting me. She’s close enough that I can reach out and touch her, pull her into my arms, and kiss her. But dammit, I resist. I can’t do that in front of Emmie. It will only confuse her.

I clear my throat searching for something to say when Emmie pipes up. “The batter is ready. Can Jessica braid my hair?”

We both turn our eyes to Emmie, and at the same time I say, “As long as she wants to,” and Jessica says, “Sure, I’d love to.”

“Yay!” Emmie hops off the stool and runs out of the kitchen leaving us alone.

The air instantly thickens, and I feel the weight of awkwardness and desire all mixed into one as Jessica watches me. All I can think about is holding her and kissing her like I did yesterday by the lake. Based on her body language, I don’t think she’d mind.

Deciding to take a different path, I ask, “Did you sleep well?”

She snorts. “No. You?”

I smile and shake my head. “Worst night of sleep in a long time.”

Our eyes meet again and the heat I see in hers causes my heart rate to kick up like a stampede of wild stallions. Is she thinking the same thing I am? That if we spent the night in each other’s arms, we both would have slept better.

“I got my brush and a couple hair ties.” Emmie comes running back into the kitchen and wedges her body between us. She looks up at Jessica with so much adoration and excitement it makes my heart squeeze. Emmie hasn’t been without female role models and support in her life, but seeing how she’s responding to Jessica has made me realize it’s not enough. Or at least, not what she deserves.

Jessica hugs her close, smiling down at her like doing Emmie’s hair is the best gift she’s ever received. God, I’m fucked.

I grab the bowl of batter and focus on breakfast rather than watching the girls I love the most bond. It’s pure torture since one of them hasn’t decided to forgive me for my past mistakes.

They whisper and giggle the entire time, and I can’t hear a damn thing they’re saying. It’s driving me crazy. Whatever they’re talking about, they both seem to be having a good time.

I try to keep my mind on cooking, but it’s hard. Seeing them together like this is a dream come true. After Emily died, I’d hoped beyond hope that Jessica would come home and give me another chance. Now that she’s here, and I see how much Emmie adores her, all I want is to keep her.

“Hello!” Momma calls from the front door.

“Still in the kitchen,” I answer back. We just finished eating and Emmie is still hammering Jessica with a million questions about her experience in competitive jumping and riding. To Jessica’s credit, she’s handled it like a champ. I think she’s enjoying this way more than any normal person should. Then again, Jessica is just as horse obsessed as Emmie.

I tilt Emmie’s glass so I can see inside. “Drink the last of your juice before you go brush your teeth. I think Grandma plans to take you to the park today.”

Emmie doesn’t hesitate to do as I ask. She finishes her juice, hops off her stool, and runs out of the kitchen. I hear Momma let out a low oomph as Emmie probably runs into her for a big hug before running upstairs.

Momma steps into the kitchen, looks back and forth between Jessica and me, before her smile grows. She walks up to Jessica and gives her a hug “Well, don’t you look happy this morning? It’s good to finally see you smile.”

I look at Jessica, and Momma is right. Her smile this morning is radiating. I wish I could say it’s because of me, but I expect it’s Emmie that’s given her that smile.

I don’t know how it’s possible, but Jessica’s smile grows. “What can I say, Emmie’s been lively this morning, asking me questions about jumping and riding.” She pauses and waves her hand across the island. “Plus, I’m a sucker for cornmeal pancakes with strawberries. Who wouldn’t smile after all this?”

Momma shifts her gaze to me and gives me a slight nod. “Well, good food and fun conversation is always a great way to start the day.”

Her acknowledgment of my effort to earn Jessica’s forgiveness— and one day her heart, again —makes me nervous. I don’t want Jessica to think I’m trying too hard, or that my intentions aren’t sincere. I wanted to do this for her even if she doesn’t forgive me.

I get up to refill my coffee mug. “Anyone want more coffee?”

Jessica turns her smile to me. “Yes, please.” Our eyes meet as I fill her mug. Her smile fades, and the joy in her eyes shifts to desire.

I clear my throat and turn to Momma. “How about you?”

“No, thank you. I’m good.” Momma slides into the stool next to Jessica, seemingly unaware of the mood shift between us. “When do you have to go home, Jess?”

My body turns rigid at my momma’s question. She’s already been here for a couple weeks. She seems to be working fine remotely, but I figure Jessica has to go back to Seattle at some point. She said she wants to keep the vineyard and stay, but she hasn’t confirmed with certainty that she’s moving back to Watercress Falls.

I watch her intently as she takes a deep breath and avoids looking in my direction. “I haven’t decided, but I’ll need to head back soon.” Her eyes shift to mine, but she quickly looks down at her hands before she continues. “I don’t want to sell any of the property, but if I’m not going to stay in Watercress Falls, it makes more sense to let them go. I still have a lot to think about.”

Her response isn’t exactly what I was hoping to hear, but it’s way better than an outright No, I’m never coming back . Those are the absolute last words I want to hear from her.

“Well, dear.” Momma pats her back before standing up. “I’m sure you’ll figure it out. Just don’t forget, no matter what you decide, this is always your home.”

Jessica nods and her eyes gloss over. She doesn’t get a chance to respond before Emmie comes barreling back into the kitchen excited to start her day with her grandma. She gives Jessica and me a hug goodbye before her and Momma head out.

“Did you get enough to eat?” I ask before I start clearing my dirty dishes.

“Yes, I’m stuffed. Everything was delicious.” She stands and takes her own dishes to the sink. “Thanks for making this. I really enjoyed it.”

I clear the rest of the dishes while she starts rinsing and loading the dishwasher. Once I have everything by the sink, I lean against the counter next to her. “So, you’re going back to Seattle?”

Her chest rises and falls quickly. I don’t miss how her hand shakes as she sets a plate in the dishwasher, either. “I’ll have to at some point. I have a business to run.”

I drop my head into my hand and rub the bridge of my nose. The thought of losing her forever is agonizing. If that’s what happens, I have no one to blame but myself. I just wish I could explain all these feelings and emotions running through me in a way she’d understand. Like how I can’t breathe normally when she’s not around. I don’t know how I made it all those years without her, because now that she’s back, I need her next to me to feel calm and at peace.

She’s the first person I think about when I wake up and the last face I see before I fall asleep at night. She even makes an appearance in my nightly dreams. She holds my heart in her hand, and has the power to squeeze the life out of it or take complete ownership of it. She makes me want to be a better man, a better father. She illuminates the darkness and the thought of losing any of this is soul crushing.

Just hearing her say she has to go back has me spiraling further into the darkness. I feel like I’m losing the light she brings to my life with every passing second and she’s still right beside me.

Her hand slips around my face, and she pulls me toward her until I’m looking at her. “Hey, you all right? You look a little pale.”

I rest a hand over hers and loop my other arm around her waist, pulling her into my embrace. She gasps, leans into me, and rests her head into the crook of my neck. Her soft lips brush against my skin. She plants light kisses on my neck, down my jawline and then my chin.

And it’s the best fucking thing I’ve felt in years.

“Tell me what you’re thinking, Matt.” She cups both hands on my cheeks and forces me to look into her eyes. I drop my forehead to hers and clench my hands at her waist. She feels so good, and it’s driving me crazy. I need her more than I need air.

“I’m so—” I start to tell her I’m sorry again, but I stop myself. She doesn’t need another apology. She needs my heart and soul. “The very idea of you leaving, even temporarily, is making it hard to breathe. I can’t stand the—”

Her lips crash into mine—urgent, hungry, demanding. Her fingers slide around my head and tangle into my hair, tugging me closer to her. Her kiss catches me by surprise, but in the best way possible. I slip my hands around her waist and down her ass. Gripping her tight, I lift her into me, then slowly walk her to the counter opposite where we’re standing.

Her arms tighten around me, and our kiss is so intense, it forces all the air from my lungs and I feel light-headed. I refuse to release her and take in more oxygen. I need this—I need her—more. It’s overwhelming and comforting and terrifying all at once. She could break me with one wrong word.

I sit her on the counter and slowly slide my hands beneath her shirt, letting my hands span around her ribcage. My thumbs rest dangerously close to her nipples. I want to touch her everywhere—feel her bare skin against mine—and taste every inch of her until my senses only remember her.

She lets out a long heady moan. It’s hot and makes me even harder than I already am for her. It’s been years since I’ve had sex and having her in my kitchen like this is almost too much. If I don’t regain some control, I’m going to come in my jeans.

“Matt,” she whispers against my mouth, effectively pulling me out of my lust-filled trance. I break the kiss and drop my forehead to hers. We’re both breathing heavily and struggling for air. “We can’t keep doing this or else I’m never going to get my head on straight.”

“I’d apologize, but I’m not sorry about this one.” Thankfully, she laughs, making me smile.

She rests her hands on my chest and lightly kisses me before pulling away. “No more apologies. You’ve apologized enough, and honestly, it's past time that I accept it. I still have a lot to work through, and I’m a long way away from truly forgiving you for everything. But I am trying.”

I nod and squeeze her tight against me. “Just tell me what to do, Jess, and I’ll do it.”

“Be patient.” There’s a nervousness in her eyes even though she smiles. “And don’t give up. ”

A smile spreads across my face as I kiss her forehead. “I can do that. I’ll wait for you for however long this takes.”