Chapter 15

CHAPTER 15

JESSICA

E very emotion known to man is currently coursing through my veins. So much so, I’m in a state of emotional overload and I can’t stop these damn tears from running down my face.

I’m no longer the powerhouse, badass CEO that I’ve gotten used to being. Matthew has turned me into a sniffling hot mess, and I’m about to crumble into the pit of despair.

I make it back to the blanket where we ate lunch and toss my head back to the sky. The light sprinkle of rain is picking up, and it's starting to soak into my shirt.

I don’t care. Right now all I can think about is how good it felt for him to touch me again. It had been so long since I’d been touched by him that I almost came the second his finger brushed across my clit. I want more of him—all of him. My body aches for it.

I feel him behind me before his hand rests on my back. He’s so close that I can feel his breath on my neck. “Jess, can we talk about what just happened?”

I drop my head into my hands and groan before I spin around and face him. “Like I said, I shouldn’t have let you do that.”

He steps closer and slips his arm around my waist. I involuntarily sink into him. I feel so betrayed by my body. No matter how many times I tell myself to resist him, it doesn’t happen. My body is begging for more of his touch and does what it wants .

“I disagree.” He leans in close to my ear and kisses my neck. “I think that was exactly what you needed.”

“It doesn’t matter what I needed.” My voice is so weak, giving my words no weight, but I say them anyway. “We can’t do that again.”

“You can try to fight our connection all you want, but it doesn’t change a thing. Our bodies, hearts, and souls will always be one.”

Despite the truth behind his words, they still bring me so much pain. I squeeze my eyes closed and drop my head to his chest. His hand slowly runs up my back until he’s cupping my neck. It feels so damn good to be in his arms again, but also so fucking painful. I fight back my tears and swallow hard before I look up at him. His own eyes are glassy and for the first time since coming home, I can see this is equally as hard for him as it is for me. But that doesn’t stop me from asking the one thing I need him to answer.

“If that’s true, then why did you marry her?” My voice cracks, but I get it out despite my difficulties.

His hand on my neck stiffens, and he looks away from my gaze. “I didn’t have a choice. She was pregnant.”

I’d suspected that was the case ever since I found out his wife died in childbirth, but hearing him confirm it makes it hurt even worse than it did at the time I’d found out he was married.

I wiggle out of his embrace. I can’t be this close to him while we have this conversation. “So you knocked up some girl and forgot all about me. Is that how it was?”

“You know that’s not how it was.” He practically growls as he furrows his brows. The look in his eyes is so intense, I’m forced to look away. “I could never forget about you. Shit happens, and I stepped in it big time. I did what I thought was right. Besides, at the time I thought you had moved on.”

My head snaps back to him. “Whatever gave you that idea?

He sighs and wipes the rain from his face. It’s raining harder now and whatever food we had left is now soaked. “When I came to your graduation for your MBA. I saw you walk out with David’s arm wrapped around you.”

“David is just a friend. He and Blaire were married long before I met either of them. ”

“I know that now.” He snaps. “But you two looked cozy. Too cozy. I made an assumption.”

I squeeze my eyes shut and think back to that day. David and I walked together. He stood beside me throughout the ceremony. He was never one to shy away from hugs and affection. If Matthew saw his arm around me, he got the wrong idea. “You talked to David.”

“More like he talked to me. I guess he didn’t like the way I looked at him at the funeral. He went out of his way to set things straight.”

I nod because that sounds just like something David would do. “So, after that you started dating Emily. Why? To get back at me.”

“It wasn’t like that. She was the first woman I dated since you. She was the only woman I’d been with besides you. I thought I’d lost you.”

His admission surprises me. I’d assumed he’d been dating girls all through college. Especially since he was the one that broke up with me. “Did you love her?”

His eyes close and his shoulders sag. “She gave me Emmie. How could I not love her?” My throat tightens and my eyes well up with tears again. I expected him to say that, but it still stings. “Jess, I wasn’t in love with her. The only person I’ll ever be in love with is you.”

That last part should make me happy, but it doesn’t. He loves me, same as I love him. But our love wasn’t enough. He didn’t trust in me. If he had, he would’ve never assumed I'd ever be with anyone but him. I wipe my eyes and take a deep breath before meeting his wounded gaze.

“Jess.” He steps into me and laces his fingers with mine. “Talk to me, baby. Where does this leave us?”

I dig deep and find my strength. The past couple of weeks have been rough to say the least. I’m done crying, and I’m over feeling sorry for myself. I have no idea what the future holds or where I’ll end up. And that’s okay. I cup Matthew’s cheeks and lightly kiss his lips. His hands clench into fists at my waist and I feel his entire body tighten into a hard knot.

“This feels an awful lot like a goodbye,” he says.

“I don’t know what this is. All I know is you didn’t lose me until you married another woman.” My voice cracks, and I clear my throat. I refuse to cry again. “If only you’d trusted me enough to talk to me, then maybe none of this would’ve happened. But what’s done is done. Now you have a little girl who needs you. I can’t compete with that.”

I press my lips to his one more time before I release him and walk away. I head for our horses, needing to put some distance between us so I can think. I untie Pippi and my foot slips when I try to hop into the saddle. I’ve been so absorbed in Matthew. I didn’t notice how hard it’s raining.

“Sorry, girl.” I run my hand down Pippi’s mane and whisper soothing words in her ear. “We’ll get you back and, in the stables, soon enough.”

I glance back at Matthew, and he still hasn’t made a move to leave. He has the same sorrowful expression he did the day I found out he was married. Seeing so much torment in his eyes brings that horrid memory that I’d worked so hard to bury back to the surface of my mind.

Driving up the familiar road leading to Matthew’s childhood home brought me a comfort I didn’t expect. Growing up as neighbors to the Langdons, I’d spent almost as much time here as I did at my own home. Rosie and Leo Landgon were like second parents to me.

I typically loved coming home from Seattle. There was no place on earth that made me happier than being on the vineyard, riding horses, and enjoying the fresh mountain air.

But nothing about this trip had been happy.

My parents were killed three days ago in a tragic car accident, leaving me alone with no other family than my Uncle Jimmy and my younger brother, Ryan. Ryan came home from college yesterday and he’s been nothing but a zombie. We both have. Our house didn’t feel like home anymore without Mom and Dad. The house was filled with so many memories and materialistic things that reminded me of my parents, but now it felt like an empty shell.

I couldn’t stay in the house for another second. After waiting all day for Matthew to come see me, I finally decided to go to him. I texted him last night to let him know I’d arrived, and he said he couldn’t make it over then. He was working as a traveling vet right now. I understood his job took him away a lot, but I needed him, to be in his arms, and feel his skin next to mine. If anyone could help alleviate this pain clenching around my heart, it was him.

I pulled up outside his parents’ house, my home away from home, and a calmness washed over me. I hadn’t seen Rosie in a little over a year. My startup company was keeping me pretty busy and made it hard to come home for visits. Last holiday, my parents came to me because I couldn’t get away from work.

Things were changing too much around here. Even the Langdon house wasn’t the same since Leo passed away, and that was at least five years ago. But Rosie was a saint and the strength of this entire community. She pushed her pain aside and held her family together. I had no doubt she’d help me do the same thing now.

I stepped out of my rental car and headed toward the front porch. There was a young woman, about the same age as me, sitting in the swing drinking tea. I didn’t recognize her as anyone from around here. Then again, it had been almost ten years since I moved away. Who knew how many new people moved to town while I was gone.

She sat her glass down and walked to the edge of the porch with a pleasant smile on her face. She was pretty with blond hair similar to the shade of my own.

“Hi, can I help you?” she asked.

I swallowed and struggled to not cry again. Just thinking about seeing Matthew had me all choked up. “I’m looking for Matt. Is he around?”

Her smile faded and she nodded. “He’s out in the barn unloading from a day's work. Should be done soon.”

There was something about the way her expression changed when I asked for Matthew that bothered me. My defenses immediately shot up and built a wall around me. “I don’t believe we’ve met.” I reached my hand out to offer her a shake. “I’m Jessica. I live next door.”

She took my hand, but I noticed a slight tremble in her grasp. “I’m Emily, Matt’s wife.”

I froze. “I’m sorry, what did you say?”

The front door opened, and Adam came rushing out. He whispered something to Emily, and she let go of my hand before she went inside.

“Hey, Jessie Cat. How you hanging in there?” Adam wrapped his arms around me and held me close. His hug was so much more than a condolences hug. He held me like he was trying to protect me from the world of hurt that was about to bury me. But Adam had always been that with me. He was a lot older than me and had filled the role of protective older brother long before Matthew was adopted by the Langdons.

“Did she … say wife?” The words stumbled out on a sob. Matthew couldn’t be married. He was supposed to marry me. This had to be a mistake.

“Dammit. He didn’t talk to you, did he?” Adam kissed the top of my head and tightened his arms around me. I shook my head and let myself fall into him as that one question confirmed her words were true. “I’m gonna kill him.”

The world around me faded into darkness and a loud ringing filled my ears. I felt myself slipping out of Adam’s embrace despite his tight hold on me.

“Jessica.” I heard Matthew’s voice close by, but I didn’t have the strength to look up or respond. Adam said something, but I couldn’t make it out. Some angry words were exchanged, but my mind was a jumbled mess, and I couldn’t concentrate on what was actually being said.

The next thing I knew, Adam swept me into his arms and carried me to my car. My entire body was numb. I couldn’t walk right now if my life depended on it. He slipped me into the passenger seat and fastened my seat belt.

Just before Adam put the car in reverse to drive me home, I looked up and met Matthew’s tortured gaze. He looked just as miserable as I felt. But then he lifted his hat off his head and ran his fingers through his hair. I caught a glimpse of his wedding ring and my heart shattered into a million tiny pieces.

By the time I make it back to the barn, I’m soaking wet and freezing. I don’t see anyone around to ask which stall belongs to Pippi, so I tie her up outside one of the empty stalls until I find someone. At least I can still get the tack off her and dry her off.

I work quickly to wring my hair out and get the saddle off Pippi. Even with my old hat on, my head is soaked.

Once I have the saddle and blanket off and slung over the railing to dry, I hunt down some towels. I don’t make it more than two steps before Rosie walks in hunched underneath an umbrella holding a cooler.

“Hey, Jess.” She smiles and heads straight for the small office inside the barn. “I saw you come in and thought you might like some hot cocoa. ”

I force a smile, even though smiling is the last thing I feel like doing right now. “Thanks. Hot cocoa would be great actually.”

She looks around the barn and back at me with a frown. “Where’s Matt?”

“He packed up the picnic stuff while I headed out. He should be here soon.”

She smiles and unpacks the cooler. A couple travel mugs, marshmallows, and something to eat.

“Is that your banana bread?” I glance over her shoulder with raised brows, this time my hopeful smile is real.

“It sure is. If I recall, it's your favorite.” Rosie hands me a piece and one of the travel mugs.

I take a bite and groan. “Oh, my God. So good.” I take another big bite. I didn’t eat all my lunch before things got intense with Matthew, and I’m hungry. “Still the best I’ve ever had.”

She pats my arm, her eyes watching me carefully. “I made it just for you.”

“Thanks.” I take a sip of the hot chocolate and let the warmth of it fill me up. “Any idea where I can find a towel to dry off Pippi? Poor girl is as wet as me.”

“We have some in the back. I’ll go get them. You finish that snack and drink your cocoa. You have to be cold.” She doesn’t wait for me to answer before she leaves the office and heads around the corner, opposite the main entrance.

I finish the banana bread and hold the travel mug close to my chest thankful for the small bit of warmth it provides. Rosie returns a few minutes later with an arm full of towels. “Here you go. This should be enough for you and Matt.”

“Thanks.” I sit the hot cocoa down and take a few of the towels. I head back out to Pippi and get to work drying her off. “Which stall is hers?”

Rosie nods and points to the one two doors down from where I’m standing. “Need any help with her?”

“Nah, I’ve got her taken care of. She’s a sweetheart.” I smile and run my hand down Pippi’s mane, and she nuzzles her nose into my chest.

“You always were good with horses.” Rosie steps up beside me with her own hot cocoa held close. “We’re all glad to have you back. You think you’ll stick around?”

My smile fades and I shrug. I thought I knew the answer to that, but now I’m not so sure. “There’s a lot to consider before I can make a decision like that. Between my business and the vineyard, I’ve got a lot to work out.”

“I imagine you do.” I can feel Rosie’s eyes on me, but I don’t lift my gaze to meet hers. Rosie can be a formidable woman, and I’m not ready to deal with what I know is on her mind. “I know Matt would be very happy to see you stay.”

And there it is. Rosie never was subtle with her thoughts on matters, especially when they involved her children. “Well, Matt and I have a lot more to work out than my work situation.”

I finish drying off Pippi and toss the towel to the side. Rosie hasn’t responded yet, but from the few glances I allow myself to make in her direction, she’s thinking hard about what to say next.

I start to untie Pippi’s bridle so I can lead her to her stall when Rosie’s hand rests on my arm, stopping me. “He never stopped loving you. You know that right?”

Tears immediately well up in my eyes, and I look away. I don’t want her to see how hard this is for me. I shake my head because I don’t know that. How could he love me and marry Emily?

“Jess.” Rosie’s arm reaches around me, and she turns me so I’m facing her. “I hated the decision he made, and I always thought he made the wrong one. But I understood why he thought he had to marry Emily. He’s struggled far more than anyone ever should to find his place in this world. It took him even longer to accept that he deserved the happiness he’s been given. I know it doesn’t fix anything, nor does it take away the pain living in your heart, but losing you is his biggest regret.”

I nod and wipe the tears away that escape down my cheek. Before I get a chance to respond, Matthew rides in even more drenched than I did. When Rosie turns to greet him, I take the opportunity to clean up my face while I take Pippi to her stall.

I can hear them talking but I can’t make out the words. I get Pippi locked up, give her one more pat on her neck and head back out. Rosie greets me with another smile while Matthew looks like he hasn’t slept in a thousand years.

Rosie leans in for a brief hug before she says, “Don’t forget your hot cocoa and come to the house to dry off before you catch cold. I’ll leave you two to finish this up.”

She turns to Matthew, pats his cheek, and smiles before opening her umbrella and heading back to the house. Matthew and I stare at each for a moment too long before I break away and start for the office. But he grabs my arm and stops me before I get past him.

“I didn’t think I had a choice, Jess. After my father abandoned me and my mother died from a drug overdose, I swore I’d never walk away from a child of mine.”

I place my hand on his chest and he visibly relaxes. I hate seeing him this afflicted over how our lives turned out. “I understand why you thought that’s what you had to do. But that doesn’t do anything to lessen my pain.”

His eyes dart around the barn like he’s struggling with where to look before he breathes in deeply. “Will you ever find a way to forgive me?”

“I don’t know.” I close my eyes and sigh. I recall what Adam told me after the funeral about love and forgiveness. My love for Matthew is strong. It’s so strong and runs so deep within me that I want to forgive him. I really do. But I’m terrified of opening myself up to more pain.

When I open my eyes, he’s watching me. He looks so haggard, like he’s in agony over what happened to us. “I’m trying, Matt. But it’s not easy for me. In the meantime, there is one thing we can do for each other.”

“Anything,” he sighs and drops his forehead to mine. “Just tell me what I can do, and I’ll do it.”

My mouth craves to kiss him again and with his lips mere inches from mine it makes me want him even more. I rotate my head sideways to avoid the inevitable. He fists my wet shirt in his hands and lets his head drop to my shoulder. In slow languid motions, he kisses his way to my neck. When his lips find my earlobe and he nibbles, I shudder. The way he’s kissing my neck and ear might be worse than if I let myself take his mouth again. I’m quickly losing all my strength and surrendering to this man.

Then he stops, and pulls back to look me in the eyes. He looks even more conflicted than a moment ago. “Sorry, I can’t resist you. You had something you wanted to say.”

I nod and swallow hard. I step out of his embrace and run my fingers through my hair. “I don’t want to fight anymore. Fighting with you is torture. It has to stop.”

A faint smile tugs at his lips. “I’m in complete agreement with that.”

“Good. Now finish up with your horse so we can head home. I need some time alone to think.”

I don’t wait for him to respond. I head straight for the office to grab my hot cocoa and head to the house like Rosie suggested. I’m freezing and dry clothes sound really good right now.