Chapter 14

CHAPTER 14

MATTHEW

L ike the idiot that I am, I watch Jessica walk away. Again.

We keep having these moments where I think I’m breaking past all the hurt and pain I’ve caused her. Those moments give me so much hope. I start to think there’s a chance for us. Then she secures the walls she’s built around her heart to protect her from more pain—pain that I’m responsible for—and runs away.

But I can’t give up on her—on us.

Once I regain some control over my emotions, I’ll chase after her again, too.

Hell, I’ll chase after her for however long it takes to prove to her I’ll never hurt her like that again.

Because no matter how much she pushes back, I have to try and win her back. I made the mistake of letting her go years ago and not fighting for her. If it takes the rest of my life to prove to her just how sorry I am, I’ll do it. She’s worth it and more.

Pushing up to my feet, I run after her. “Jessica, please.” She shakes her head and swats her hand behind her like she’s waving me off. “Please, stop running from me.”

She spins around and faces me. The look on her face is a mixture of anger, hurt, and need. “Matt, I can’t do this. You don't understand why this is so hard for me.”

I stop within reach of her. The tears welling up in her eyes slay me. I hate that I’m the reason she keeps crying. “Then help me understand.”

“You broke me!” she yells. Her body trembles and her hands shake at her sides. I want to reach for her, but I wait, letting her say what she needs to say. “My heart hurts constantly—like every single second of every single day. Because of you . My only means of survival has been distance. Because when you’re near, I can’t breathe or think or stay calm.”

She’s shaking so hard. She looks like she’s about to crumble to the ground. I step into her and cup her cheeks, supporting her body against mine. Her tears flood around my fingers as she squeezes her eyes closed. “Jessica,” I whisper and drop my forehead to hers, “I never meant to hurt you like that. Everything I did, I thought I was doing for you. I was so young and damaged back then. I only wanted what was best for you, and I didn’t think that included me.”

She takes a deep breath and steps out of my embrace. Wiping her tears dry, she sighs. “Why did you bring me here?”

“What do you mean, here?”

She lifts her arms and waves them around her. “The lake.”

“This was your favorite trail? I thought you would enjoy it.”

Her eyes are focused on our surroundings rather than me, but I can see the pain magnifying in her gaze. “Did you forget what you did the last time we were here together?” She looks back at me, the fire in her eyes is intense, like she’s ready to blow. “Do you remember what you did?”

I stumble back. Her words cut deep. Because I do remember. I remember like it was yesterday. She steps toward me, rests her hand in the middle of my chest and pushes me back. “You broke my heart right here. You took one of my favorite places—a place we shared so many happy memories—and you destroyed it. Our love grew beside this lake, and our souls became one. Then you brought me here and broke up with me.”

Sitting next to the lake with Jessica had become one of my favorite things to do. We rode out to this spot every chance we got ever since we started dating four years ago. The intimate moments we’ve shared here would be forever ingrained into my memory. I would miss this the most once we left for college. Tomorrow.

She was curled up in my arms with her head resting on my chest. Her light blond hair flowed over her shoulder and tickled my arm where the wind gently blew around us. All I could think about was how much I wanted to lay her back on this blanket and show her just how much I loved her. But I couldn’t. Not with what I was about to do.

I should get it over with—say what was on my mind—but I couldn’t bring myself to say the words. Not yet at least.

In another effort to put off the inevitable, I pulled my pocketknife out of my pocket and wrapped a lock of her hair around my finger. She looked up at me with a suspicious eye. “What are you doing?”

I kissed her forehead and smiled. “Cutting a small lock of your hair so I’ll never forget its golden color or how soft it feels against my skin.”

She gave me a soft smile, leaned up, and kissed me. It was light and sweet and full of so much hope that it made me feel worse instead of better. “You make it sound like we’ll never see each other again. We’ll both be home in a couple months for the holidays.”

I nodded because there wasn’t anything I could say to that. I would see her in a couple months for Thanksgiving, but most likely it wouldn’t be a good visit.

I wrapped my arms tight around her and stared out over the water. The mountains were already bringing in cooler weather despite it still being summer. Another month and this very spot might see its first bit of snow.

With another deep breath, I went back to my task of clipping a lock of her hair. She chuckled and shook her head as I tied it in a knot and slipped it into my wallet.

“Laugh all you want, but in a couple weeks, I’ll be grateful I have this.”

She twisted in my arms until she was facing me, straddling my lap. She slid her arms around my neck and kissed me, only this time deeper and with enough force to make sure I never forgot what she felt like.

I easily lost myself in her lips and took control of the kiss. There wasn’t much else in this world that I enjoyed more than the feel of Jessica’s lips and tongue tangled with mine. Maybe my dick buried deep inside her, but that was a different experience altogether .

Her hand slowly ran down my chest and cupped my already hard cock. This woman drove me crazy, and I was quickly losing sight of what I was supposed to do.

I grabbed her hands and flipped her over, so she was pressed beneath my body. I held her hands over her head and kissed her like it was the last time I was ever going to taste her, feel her, love her.

Because it might very well be.

Jessica was the love of my life, my soulmate, and I was about to break her heart.

I broke our kiss and dropped my head to her chest, struggling to regain control of my hormones. I hadn’t been able to keep it in my pants since the first time we made love. We waited until we both turned eighteen before we finally had sex. It'd been a hard wait—for both of us—but it was a decision we’d made together. If we could make it until we were both technically adults, then we knew our love was real.

And our love was real, no doubt about it, which was why I had to do this now before it got harder.

Jessica ran her fingers through my hair and let out a slow breath. “Why did you stop?”

I swallowed hard, knowing I couldn’t delay a moment longer. I lifted my head and looked her in the eyes. She deserved nothing less from me. “Because we need to slow this down. Take a break.”

She furrowed her brows and frowned. “What do you mean, take a break?”

“I mean exactly that. Take a break.” I pushed back on my heels, breaking all physical contact. “We both leave for college tomorrow, in separate states, and I think we should take a break. Allow each other to have fun in college.”

She pulled her arms under her and lifted up on her elbows. “Are you breaking up with me?”

“No. Maybe. Not really.” I dropped my head in my hands and groaned. I knew this would be hard, but I couldn’t even say what I needed to say, and I planned it out word for word.

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean? Either you are or you aren’t.” Her voice rose higher and higher with each word she spoke. The desire and love I just saw in her eyes were gone and replaced with anger and confusion.

“Jess, calm down. This will be—”

“Calm down,” she yells. “How am I supposed to calm down when it sounds like you're breaking up with me?”

“I just don’t want you to look back and feel like you wasted all this time waiting for me when you could be having fun and enjoying college.”

“Our relationship has nothing to do with whether or not I have fun at college. The two are not related.”

“Come on, Jess. How could you possibly enjoy college the way you’re supposed to if you’re still tied to me?”

“Tied to you? Is that how you see us? As an obligation or something weighing each other down. I thought you loved me.”

“I do love you. That’s why I think we should break up while we’re in college. So you can really experience college and make sure you want this with me.”

“Oh, so you’re doing me a favor. Well, fuck you.” She slammed her fists into my chest, tears running down her cheeks. “Go off to college and fuck all the women you want. Just don’t expect me to be here when you change your mind.”

“Jess.” I reached for her arm, but she moved out of my grasp. “I’m not doing this for me. I’m doing it for you. You deserve better than me.”

“What I deserve is for you to let me make my own decisions, and to trust that I know my heart.” She spun around and rushed toward her horse. I run after her calling her name, but she doesn’t stop. This didn’t go anything like I’d imagined. I really thought she’d understand my point of view.

“Please don’t leave like this. This isn’t what I wanted.”

“Well, tough shit. This is what you’re gonna get. I never thought you’d do something like this.” She climbed up on her horse and glanced back at me, her face wet with tears. “I hate you for doing this.”

Looking back on that day now, I see how stupid my logic was. I was a scared boy who still didn’t know his place in this world. So, I hurt the one person who loved me the most.

Jessica.

I brought her back to this place without considering the lasting impact that day had on her. I cringe at my poor judgment, and when I look back at her, she’s glaring at me like I’m the biggest fool she’s ever met.

She might be right.

“Jess, I’m sorry. I didn’t think about it like that. I just wanted to do something nice for you. If you’ll just give me a chance, I’ll prove to you that I deserve you. Please.”

She shakes her head and crosses her arms over her chest. “You don't get it, Matt. When you broke up with me, I didn't just lose the love of my life. I lost my best friend. I've had to live with that loss for fourteen years. You don’t have to prove anything to me. I'm not yours anymore.”

I straighten my back and shorten the distance between us. “That's where you're wrong. You can fight me all you want, but I’m not giving up on us. You’ve always been mine, and I’ve always been yours. I just fucked things up a bit.”

She holds her eyes on mine, a fire burning deep within. She’s angry at me, but there’s more to the look in her eyes. There’s lust bouncing around with those flames. I take advantage of her desire for me and step into her space. She doesn’t push me away.

“I was so stupid back then. I didn’t even know who I really was and that terrified me. I was nothing more than an abandoned orphan who thought I didn’t belong in your world. I was wrong. I know who I am now, and I know what I want. All I need is for you to give me a chance to fix it.”

I reach for her hand, fully expecting her to pull away or push me back again. But she doesn't. Instead, she laces her fingers with mine. My breathing increases as I slip my other arm around her waist and tug her close until our bodies are flush.

“Matt, this is so hard for me,” she whispers.

“I know, baby. I’m sorry I made it that way.” I stare at her lips, desperate to kiss her, but I hesitate. There’s nothing I want more right now than to taste her, but if I move too fast, she might run away from me again. Now that I have her in my arms, I never want to let her go.

While I’m debating with myself on whether to kiss her, she makes my internal conflict pointless. She wraps her arm around my neck and threads her fingers in my hair. Every inch of my body erupts into flames and despite the fact that our bodies are pressed together, she’s not close enough.

She takes it a step further and pushes up on her toes and presses her lips to mine. I’m so surprised by her boldness that I turn rigid under her touch. But I recover quickly and take control of the kiss she initiated. She melts into me when I part her lips with my tongue and finally get the taste I’ve been hungry for. My entire body shutters from this one touch.

I slowly back her up against a tree behind us. As soon as I press her against it, she rolls her hips into mine. I’m already hard for her, but this small action nearly causes me to explode in my jeans from want and need.

“Jess,” I manage through our locked lips. “You’re in control. Tell me what you want.”

“Touch me.” The words come out breathy and desperate. “Please. I haven’t been touched in so long.”

“Yes, ma’am.” I slip my hand down her front and unbutton her jeans. “Whatever you need. I’m yours to use.”

She moans against my mouth and when my hand slips inside her panties she kisses me harder. It’s like she can’t get me close enough and every molecule of air between us is too much.

My finger slips easily inside her and I nearly die from the feel of her. She’s wet, warm, and tight as hell. “My God, Jess. You’re soaked for me.”

“Please,” she moans and lifts her leg up around my hip, opening her up to me. I fuck her with my fingers while rubbing her clit with my thumb. I barely get started before her body explodes with pleasure and she’s screaming a string of profanity.

It’s hot, intense, and over way too fucking quick. It’s been years since I touched Jessica like this, and I want it to last. She may be letting me touch her now, but I don’t know if or when I’ll get another chance like this.

I really want to replace my fingers with my dick, but even if she begs me for it, I don’t think that’s what she really needs. If she fucks me right now, I’m afraid she’ll regret it later. So, I remove my hands from her pants and refasten her jeans.

When I look into her eyes, they’re filled with tears. Her desire for me is gone, and all her hurt and pain has resurfaced. “Jess, please don’t cry. ”

My acknowledgment of her pain is enough to push her over the edge and her tears break free. “I shouldn’t have let you do that.”

She pushes me back and slips out from between me and the tree. She heads back toward the blanket and picnic lunch I packed. Once again, I’m watching Jessica walk away from me.