Chapter 13

CHAPTER 13

JESSICA

“ W hy can’t I go with you?” Emmie pouts. When she found out I agreed to go riding with her dad this morning, she begged to go, too. The first time she asked, I almost said yes. I wouldn’t mind having her sit in front of me on the saddle, but Matthew was quick to object.

“I already told you not this time,” he grumbles, and grabs the bag he’d packed from the kitchen counter. “We’ll be out for a few hours, and I want to take the horses on some of the steeper trails. They need exercise.”

“But when do I get to go riding with Jessica?” She crosses her arms over her chest and gives her dad a hard stare. I can’t help but laugh.

“Tell you what.” I kneel next to her. “Maybe I can join you the next time you have riding lessons with your Aunt Leann so I can get a feel for your skill. Then we can plan a morning ride. Sound good?”

She’s still frowning when she looks at me, but she nods. “Can it just be you and me?”

“If that’s what you want.” I look up at Matthew to see if he’s going to object. “As long as your daddy is okay with me taking you out alone.”

“Of course.” He narrows his eyes like he’s surprised I’d even suggest otherwise. “I trust you with my daughter.”

I look back at Emmie and her frown has lessened, but her deep green eyes are just as intense as Matthew’s. Sometimes I see so much of him in her it’s unsettling. I enjoy spending time with her, but her expressions are so much like his it feels like I’m with him instead.

This is one of those times, and I’m feeling the need to create some space.

I stand up and twirl a strand of her long dark hair around my finger. “I promise, we’re going to have plenty of time to ride. Maybe I can take you to some of my favorite spots from when I was younger?”

Her face shifts almost instantly and her eyes light up. “Really? Oh, yes please! I’d love that.”

My smile grows, and I nod. Before I can say anything more, she jumps up and wraps her little arms around my waist. It surprises me at first, but then I melt into her. She’s so sweet and loving, making it impossible not to love her. At this rate, this kid is going to own me.

“Come on, girls.” Matthew smiles as he walks past us. “Let’s get going before it gets any later. I don’t want to be out there in the afternoon heat. Plus, they’re calling for rain later today.”

We head out and pile into his truck. Once Emmie is secured in her car seat, we head the short distance to his family’s ranch.

Rosie is waiting on the front porch when we pull up. She waves at us with a huge smile and Emmie takes off for her. Matthew follows her, exchanges a few words with his mom, hugs Emmie, and heads back toward me.

“Ready?” He smiles as he reaches around me to grab the bag he packed. His arm brushes up against my shoulder and I shudder. I quickly step away, putting as much distance between us as I can without looking too obvious. It clearly doesn’t work because his smile grows, and his expression turns mischievous.

He places a gentle hand on my arm, and I suck in a breath. “Let’s go. Joe said he’d get the horses ready for us.”

All I can manage is a nod. I follow him into the barn, all the while having a private conversation in my head about my self-control. I’ve done so well over the past week and a half around him, and I can’t let myself screw it up now. Granted, I avoided him at all costs for the first week. Now that I’ve allowed myself to be near him, I’m failing. Miserably.

And all because he made me a grilled cheese sandwich .

He’s not doing anything out of line. The sandwich last night was a nice gesture. But the way he touches me—as light and seemingly insignificant as it is—is too much. It reminds me how much I miss him and still want him. A week ago I’d argue to my last breath that he was doing this on purpose, but I don’t know that he is. It feels natural, unplanned, fantastic.

Maybe I should have insisted we take easier trails and bring Emmie along. At least with her around, I wouldn’t have to worry about giving into my need to feel his touch.

Because I do need it. More than I ever realized.

I follow several steps behind Matthew to avoid any chance of touching him. Before we make it inside the barn, Joseph walks out leading a horse—saddled, and ready to go. His eyes meet mine with a huge grin.

“Hey, Jessie Cat. I hope you’re up on your riding skills. Matt’s planned some tough trails today.” He pats Matthew’s back with a chuckle.

“Don’t you worry about me. I may live in the city, but I ride every weekend.”

“You don’t say? You got a horse then?” he asks.

“Yep.” I step up to the horse he’s leading and pet her mane. “A retired jumping horse. I keep her boarded just outside Seattle.”

“Then Pippi here should be a good fit for you. She’s gentle and still jumps. If Matt ever relaxes, she’ll be a good ride for Emmie.”

“Don’t start.” Matthew groans. He disappears into the barn. I assume to get the other horse.

Joseph laughs. “He’s so easy. Maybe one of these days he’ll stop being so grumpy.”

He winks and hands me the reins. I gently introduce myself to Pippi, letting her take the time to see me and smell me before I get on. She’s a dark chestnut color with a bright reddish mane and tail. Her muscular form and elegant stance are a dead giveaway for her jumping skills. A part of me would almost rather take her to the ring and test her abilities than ride the mountain trails.

“Do you need help getting up?” Matthew’s voice is right behind me.

When I turn to look at him, he’s watching me with a raised brow. And too close. So close I can touch him. My instinct is to reach out and rest my hand on his chest—to run it around his shoulder and into his dark hair. He looks too good, too tempting. His black t-shirt fits snug around his toned chest and solid arms. He’s wearing a cream-colored hat which is a nice contrast to his tanned skin and dark brown hair. My eyes betray me, and they roam down his body, past his abs and waist. I swallow and squeeze my eyes closed at how damn good he looks in jeans.

I shake my head and step around to the stirrups, putting distance between us before I do something really stupid. “Just getting familiar with Pippi before I hop on.”

He clears his throat and looks away. I catch a glimpse of Joseph near the barn with his arms crossed over his chest still wearing a big grin like he’s in on some secret. I roll my eyes and adjust my hat. I grabbed an old cowboy hat I used to wear when I was younger from my room. It needs to be reshaped, but it fits well enough for a Sunday ride.

Once we’re both seated, Matthew leads the way toward the old trails that run along the base of the mountain behind his family’s ranch. If he’s taking the one I think he’s taking, it ends up joining a trail on my property and leads to a small lake. It’s a challenging trail, but a beautiful one.

Choosing this trail isn’t a coincidence. He knows it’s my favorite path to ride. Anytime he’d asked for my ride preference when we were younger, I always chose this trail. It may be a tough one with steep slopes, but it’s got gorgeous views of the mountains. Not to mention, the reward of the secluded lake at the end is more than worth it.

Between the brief conversation and the dance at the bar, cooking for me last night, and now leading me onto my favorite trail, this man is up to something. I just wish I knew what it was so I could protect my weak heart.

Too much more of this, and I’ll give into him—consequences be damned. No questions asked.

We take our time getting to the lake. It’s steep in several places and Matthew said it’s been a while since either horse has been pushed this hard. Plus, I want to enjoy the view.

There’s an overlook point just before reaching the lake where the trees part providing a perfectly clear view of the vineyard. When I was younger, I’d stop and sit there for hours imagining what my life would be like once the vineyard was left to me. From here, the rows of grapevines appear to go on for miles. I can see the winery and all the outbuildings used for processing and storage. It’s grandiose and beautiful and everything I ever wanted.

But I don’t have the life I once imagined.

I’m not married to Matthew with four kids running around. I’m not managing the vineyard and making my own unique, limited varieties of wine. I don’t even officially live here. I live in Seattle and run a successful outdoors and sporting goods apparel company.

With the vineyard under my management, part of that imagined life can be mine. I think I’ve made up my mind to stay, but I don’t know how to do that and keep my heart safe from more pain.

Staying to run the vineyard doesn’t solve my problems with the house. Do I kick Matthew and Emmie out or make a new home somewhere else? Would I survive living this close to Matthew knowing he can never be mine again? There’s too much pain lingering in our past to ever find our way into a happy and blissful future.

Isn’t there?

Loving him isn’t the problem. Trusting him is.

My love for him is everlasting, but I don’t know if I’m strong enough to forgive him like Adam suggested.

I pull myself away from the overlook and continue down the last trek of the trail. Matthew didn’t stop when I did, and by the time I reach the lake, he’s setting out lunch.

I tie Pippi next to Jagar, Matthew’s horse, and take a deep breath. He’s put down a blanket and has unpacked a picnic lunch. It’s very romantic and in another time, I would’ve been swooning over his preparation. But considering our circumstances, I’m nervous.

“I made your favorite, turkey with Swiss.” He hands me a wrapped sandwich, and I sit down on the blanket.

“Thanks.” My voice trembles and I struggle to steady my arm. I don’t want him to see the effect he has on me, even though I’m pretty sure he already knows.

I glance out over the small lake situated on a narrow plateau between two mountain peaks. I’m bombarded with memories—most good, one bad. This is where Matthew brought me to break up with me. I didn’t think about that during the ride up, but seeing the lake brings it all back to the surface. Not wanting to ruin this day, I focus on my surroundings instead.

The forest looks denser than what I remember, but I can still see the narrow hiking trail that leads to the waterfall that feeds the lake. The waterfall is actually bigger than the lake. The depression in the landscape isn’t that large and the water drains into another smaller waterfall that feeds the creek that divides our two properties.

“Whatcha thinking about?” Matthew’s question draws my attention to him. His bright green eyes are darker than usual and filled with concern.

“Just looking around. Not much has changed since I was last here.”

“No, I don’t suppose it has.” He looks out toward the waterfall, and I can’t help but wonder if he’s recalling the times we’d spent together behind that wall of water. There’s a small cave and a shallow pool of water behind it. The water is cold, but that never stopped us from taking advantage of the privacy it provided.

“I’m sorry, Jess. For everything.” He looks down at his hands and hesitates before he reaches over and takes mine. “I know it doesn’t fix anything, and it’s not nearly what I owe you. But I am sorry for how I handled everything and the impact it had on you.”

My eyes are glued on his, but he keeps his trained on our joined hands. My heart beats faster than a stampede of racehorses—so fast in fact, he can probably feel it beating through my hand.

“Matt, I know you’re sorry.” My voice cracks, giving away every bit of my nervousness and fear. I pause to take a breath before I continue. “But saying so doesn’t change anything. It doesn’t take away the years of pain rooted in my heart.”

He squeezes my hand and pulls it close to his lap. His eyes meet mine for a moment before he gazes out over the water, but I keep my eyes on him. I really should pull away. Instead, I find myself leaning into him. Our shoulders lightly brush, and his chest quickly rises and falls. Every ounce of me wants to lean all the way in and rest my head on his chest—sink into him. But I need to remain strong. There is still way too much hurt between us to give into our physical desire for each other.

Before I can even consider forgiveness, I need to know why he did what he did. He always struggled with self-worth when we were younger. Who wouldn’t after being shifted from foster home to foster home before he finally found a family who welcomed him unconditionally? His father’s abandonment and his mother’s death impacted him deeply. Rejection from multiple foster families before the Langdons only fed those insecurities more.

But none of that mattered to me. It still doesn’t. I love him for his heart and soul—the kind, tender, and passionate way in which he loved me back. I thought he understood, even back when we were kids, but then he pushed me away at a time when I thought our life together was just beginning.

When he looks up at me, I see nothing but pain and sorrow in his eyes. My heart betrays me, and it breaks even more— for him . “I wish I could take it all back, Jess. I was young and stupid. I had no idea how to deal with all the shit in my life. I didn't think I was good enough for you. Hell, I still don't. But pushing you away was the biggest mistake of my life.”

He releases my hand and lifts his to my cheek. He gently brushes his fingertips along my jawline and I visibly tremble. He leans closer, further luring me into him. The logical part of my brain is sending warning signals throughout my body telling me to run, but my heart is fighting back with a vengeance and keeps me rooted in this spot next to him. No matter how much pain he’s caused me, my body, heart, and soul remembers how much love we shared—how much I still love him.

“Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe I'm holding on to something, I can never have because I destroyed it beyond repair. If that’s the case, then I’ll just have to live with that. But all I want is one more chance to prove to you that I deserve you. If you'll give me that, I promise I’ll spend the rest of my life making up for the mistakes of my past.”

I suck in a breath. I’ve spent most of my adult life waiting to hear him say something along those lines to me, and now that he’s said it I don’t know how to react. I thought those words would bring me so much joy. I imagined running into his arms and losing myself to his kisses. But so much time has passed and the hurt between us has magnified to levels that restrain me in shackles—like an inescapable jail cell.

Regardless, I don’t pull away. I let myself go to his pull on me. Because I want him. Despite all the heartache and pain, I want him so badly.

He inches closer to me, and his eyes shift from mine to my lips. Even as his hand slips around my neck, tugging me closer, my mind is screaming at me to stop. But I ignore it. I’m completely lost to him in this moment.

Then the sky rumbles and raindrops fall down on us. It’s not enough to get us wet, but just enough to bring me back to my senses.

I pull away and shake my head. “I don’t know if I can do this,” I whisper.

I push to my feet and head toward the hiking trail that leads to the waterfall. I’m desperate to put space between us. When he’s close to me like this, I have no self-control. And I’ll give him anything he asks of me.