Chapter 12

CHAPTER 12

MATTHEW

J essica drinks half her beer before she drops it to the table with a loud clunk. She looks uncomfortable and maybe even a little angry that I’m here. If I were a smart man, which clearly I’m not, I’d leave her alone. But I can’t make myself walk away. I never could resist that fire in her eyes. Plus, I want her back.

Her eyes roam the bar, focused anywhere except where I’m sitting. I shouldn’t stare, but I can’t take my eyes off her. The soft line of her jaw, her plump lips, thick eye lashes, and shiny blond hair are the only things I have eyes for tonight. I want to reach out and run my fingers through that hair. Maybe even clench my fist at the base of her neck, grabbing hold of it and pulling her to me. Damn, I bet that would feel good.

There was a time I could do that without repercussions. Before I fucked everything up and pushed her away. I’d been so stupid back then. But it was also a dark time for me. I struggled with my past and sense of self-worth. Basically, I didn’t have any and didn’t think I deserved her or the family that adopted me. I never talked to anyone about how hard those years were for me. It was something I had to work through alone.

She finally shifts her eyes to mine and scowls. “Are you just gonna sit there and stare at me all night, or do you think you might leave anytime soon?”

I lean forward and rest my elbows on the table. “Can we not fight? It’d be nice to have a civilized conversation with you.”

The anger in her eyes intensifies and her hands clench into fists. “If you wanted civili—”

I place a finger on her lips to cut her off before she says something that cuts too deep. “I know I’ve made a lot of mistakes that ultimately hurt you. I apologize for all of it. I will continue to apologize until the end of time. At some point, I hope you’ll talk to me about it. There are things I’d like to say. But it’s been one hell of a week, and tonight I’d really like to relax. Maybe enjoy your company, even dance with you, if you’ll let me.”

Her eyes widen and her anger subsides. “You want me to dance with you?”

“Yes.” I take a drink of my beer. She straightens her back and pushes her hands against the table. I can’t tell if she’s going to object or get up and leave. “Or … we can just talk.”

“Talk?” She looks at me like I’ve suggested something truly outrageous.

“Yes, talk.” I chuckle, hoping it will calm her enough, so she’ll stay.

She sits back in her chair and crosses her arms over her chest. I relax. That is until my eyes shift down to her cleavage. My heart rate increases, and my dick perks up at the sight of her chest. I quickly divert my eyes back to hers. She still doesn’t look happy, but at least she’s not leaving. “What would we even talk about?”

I regard her for a moment. There are so many things I want to ask her about. We haven't spoken for five years and there’s so much about her life that I don’t know. “How about your business? I’d love to hear more about what you’ve done with your company. I hear you’re quite successful.”

Her expression doesn’t change. She just stares at me like she expects me to disappear at any moment. Or maybe she just wants me to disappear. “You want to hear more about my business?”

I laugh. “Are you going to take everything I say and turn it into a question?”

She shrugs and picks up her beer. “No. I just didn’t think you were interested in it. ”

“Of course, I’m interested. Why wouldn’t I be?”

“When we were younger, you always got antsy and acted like you didn’t want to hear about it. I tried so many times to tell you what I was doing and how it was going, and you always changed the subject.”

She’s not wrong. Her business dreams scared me. She was so ambitious, and I was afraid her career would take her away from me. I added that to the reasons why I pushed her away. “Clearly, I was an idiot when I was younger.”

She smiles and my heart soars. “Not gonna argue with you there.”

The live band takes a break and a slow song blasts through the speakers. Our friends and my siblings leave the dance floor, but they don’t return to our table. My eye catches Joseph’s as he heads to the bar. He nods as if telling me he’s giving me space and time with Jessica.

I shift my gaze back to the dance floor and it's filling up with couples dancing to the slow music. All I can think about is holding Jessica that close and feeling her body next to mine. I want to press my lips to hers and run my hand down her back and gently squeeze her ass. There was a time I could do that without question—a time when she was mine.

Her eyes meet mine again, and there’s something softer in the way she’s looking at me now. I know it’s wishful thinking, but I really hope she’s thinking what I’m thinking. That she wants to be close to me, same as I want to be close to her. She hasn’t walked away from me yet, which is progress. So, I take a chance.

I hold out my hand. “Dance with me?”

She stares at my outstretched hand. The silence between us grows and I can feel the war she’s currently having with herself. She wants to say yes, but she’s fighting against it.

“Please, Jessica. It’s just a dance.” Her eyes shoot to mine. I so rarely call her Jessica. I only ever called her that when I was serious and really needed to get her attention. I got it now.

She nods and takes my hand. My nerves relax but my heart picks up speed. Her hand feels so damn good in mine. I lead her to the dance floor and pull her body flush against me. She gasps and her arms stiffen around my shoulders. I should probably leave more distance between us. We’re more like strangers now than lovers, but I need her close to me.

With one arm around her waist, I take one of her hands and squeeze it with mine. I hold it close to my chest and drop my head next to hers. Her arm around my shoulder relaxes and she eventually drops her cheek to my chest and rests it against me.

It feels so good to have her in my arms again. It feels right. She belongs next to me—always.

We remain like this without speaking—slowly turning her around the dance floor—for the entirety of the song. When the next song starts, another slow one, she starts to pull away but I tighten my arm around. She lifts her head and opens her mouth to speak, but she stops when her eyes meet mine. I don’t know what she sees, but whatever it is, it causes her to stay with me for another dance. I want to tell her what I’m feeling—put what she sees in my eyes into words. But I don’t. Instead, I just hold her. Dance with her.

She drops her head back to my chest and I feel her take a deep breath like she’s struggling to maintain some level of control. I hear a faint sniffle and I run my hand up her back and around the base of her neck. I don’t want her to cry anymore, or ever again. Especially not because of my dumb ass.

The song ends and the next one is a fast one. She steps back from me, and I release her. She wipes her face—confirming she was crying—then turns and walks away.

I want to reach for her, to pull her back into my arms and tell her how much I love her. But this time, I don’t follow her.

I let her go.

With Emmie situated at her riding lesson with Leann, I head to the main barn to find Joseph. Emmie is still begging me to let her ride a full-size horse. She’s been riding her pony like a champ for months. She’s tall for her age and could probably handle it, but I don’t think I can. She’s all I have. I’ve already lost the woman I love. I wouldn’t survive if I lost Emmie, too.

But I’d almost said yes. My mind is still preoccupied with thoughts of Jessica. We didn’t talk again after the dance we shared last night, but my focus is shit because all I can think about is how damn good she felt in my arms. But it wasn’t just how she felt. It was also how she smelled—sweet as a field of those wildflowers she used to love so much—and how she melted into my touch.

I find Joseph in one of the stables fixing a broken latch. He’s crouched down on the ground while Sam holds the gate in place. Sam’s our head foreman, and he’s become more like family these past couple years. He even joins us for Sunday dinner every week. If he misses it without good cause, he gets the same reprimanding lecture we get from Momma. I pat Sam on the shoulder and lean against the frame. “I see Joe has you working on Saturdays now.”

He shrugs. “Not usually. But we both want to get this fixed. We need the space for the new mare coming next week.”

“You’re getting another mare? Didn’t you just get two last month?”

Joseph grins at me and winks. “I did, but this one’s special. She’s small, and very gentle.”

I narrow my eyes on him, not quite sure where he’s going with this. “And?”

“She’ll be perfect for Emmie. Bigger than a pony, but not so big her daddy will worry.”

I groan and shake my head. “I swear, the entire family is against me on this. I just want to keep Emmie safe. She’s only four. Give her time to grow a little.”

Joseph tightens the last screw in place on the new latch and dusts off his hands. “She’ll be safe, bro. Don’t think for one second we don’t want what’s best for that girl. We do. Trust me, when you see this horse, you’ll be fine with it. Emmie will be overjoyed and stop pestering you so much. It’s a win-win.”

I try to hold back the huff that wants to come out. I’ve been in a good mood all morning and I don’t want to ruin it. “We’ll see. I just wish everyone would support me instead of going behind my back and getting her what I said she couldn’t have.”

“We are supporting you, man. She doesn’t know anything about it. If you don’t like what you see and this new lady is still too big for Emmie, then we don’t tell her about it. We’ll stand behind your decision.”

“Plus,” Sam squeezes my shoulder with a grin, “this new horse is a trained jumper. She’ll be great for the new program we want to start next year. If you decide she’s not for Emmie, we still have a good use for her.”

I toss my hands in the air in defeat. “Okay, I give. I’ll check her out when you guys get her.”

Sam gathers up the tools and starts for the storage room. “Do you need anything else from me today?”

“Nope,” Joseph checks the latch a few times to make sure it’s working before we follow Sam out. “You’re good. Thanks for your help.”

“All right, man. I’ll see you both tomorrow at dinner.” After putting the tools away, Sam heads out, leaving me alone with Joe.

Once we’re alone, Joseph turns to me and grins. “I saw you dancing with Jess last night. You any closer to working things out with her?”

I shake my head and drop onto the bale of hay opposite from where he’s working. “This is going to take a while, but at least she’s talking to me now. That’s progress.”

“You two looked pretty cozy on that dance floor. I thought maybe things had progressed a little more.” Joseph calls as he rounds the corner into the office. He returns a moment later with two beer bottles in his hand.

“No, we actually didn’t talk after that.” I take the one he offers before I continue, “She left before me, and was already in bed when I got home. I was up and out the door before she got up this morning. I’m here all day and won’t be home until after dinner, so I don’t know if I’ll get a chance to talk to her until tomorrow.”

I take a swig of the unlabeled bottle and smile. Joseph started brewing beer a couple years ago. His latest concoctions have been really good. “Damn, Joe, this might be your best yet.”

“Thanks.” His smile grows. “I really like making lagers. Got plans for several more varieties soon.”

“Well, sign me up as your prime taster. This is good.” I hold my bottle up and tip it in his direction. He returns the gesture with a nod.

“You still taking the horses out tomorrow?” he asks.

“Yeah, why?”

“Ask Jess to help. That’d cut your ride time in half.”

A smile tugs at my mouth. “That’s a great idea.” And it is. I’ve got two horses that need exercise. Jessica loves to ride, and she’ll probably jump at the chance to get out. “How is it you’re still single?”

He gives me a sly grin. “You know me. I can’t settle down. There are too many girls out there to experience to limit myself to just one.”

“What about Georgianne? I saw you with her last night. She seems sweet on you.”

“Georgie?” He shakes his head and frowns. “Nah, she’s only good for a quick bit of fun. She’s not someone I’d ever settle down with.”

“Why not? You say that about every girl I’ve ever asked you about. One of these days someone’s gonna come along and steal your heart. You’re not gonna know how to handle it.”

His eyes glaze over and a far-off look overtakes his expression, but it only lasts for a second until his grin returns. If I hadn’t been watching him, I might have missed it. “Can’t see that ever happening, but I guess anything is possible.”

By the time we make it home, Emmie is sound asleep. We ended up staying later at Momma’s house than I planned, playing board games with my siblings. Emmie fought sleep the entire time we were there, and as soon as she was in her car seat, she was asleep. She doesn’t even make a fuss when I pick her up out of the truck to carry her inside. Between the late-night games, her riding lesson, and several hours playing with Leann, my girl is plum wore out.

The house is quiet, which doesn’t surprise me. It’s almost ten. The only light is coming from the kitchen, and it fills me with hope that maybe I haven’t missed Jessica today. I head straight upstairs, change Emmie into her pajamas and tuck her in.

I smile when I see Jessica’s bedroom door open. She hasn’t gone to bed unless she decided to move back into the guest room downstairs. Regardless, I’m hopeful this means she’s still up.

As I make my way downstairs, I hear her voice coming from the kitchen, but it's not just hers that I hear. I stop just outside the kitchen entryway. She’s talking via video conference with David.

I can’t believe I thought she was with him for all this time. After our awkward introduction at the funeral, he sought me out to explain their longtime friendship. He’s been married to his wife since before he even met Jessica. I didn’t tell him what led me to believe they were dating, but he seemed genuine, and I believe him. He also encouraged me to give Jessica more time because he believes she’ll come around.

I wanted to ask him a million questions about why he believes that. The sliver of hope he gave me has kept me going the rest of the week. All I want is one more chance to prove to her that I deserve her.

Just one chance. I won’t screw it up again.

I lean against the door frame and watch her. She doesn’t seem to notice I’m here even though I’ve made no effort to be quiet. She’s engrossed in her conversation with David. I don’t want to eavesdrop, but his next question causes me to wait where I am unnoticed.

“So, you’re not selling the vineyard?” he asks.

She shakes her head. “I can’t sell it. It’s all I’ve got left of my family. Plus, taking it over was always my dream.”

“I know, and Blaire and I support you in whatever decision you make.” He pauses for a moment before he continues. “Does this mean you’re also staying in Watercress Falls? Permanently, that is?” he asks.

“I think so.” Those three simple words make my heart stop. I had heard rumors that she was considering staying, but I’d assumed they were just that—rumors. I’ve been operating under the assumption that my time with her is limited, and that distance would soon be working against me again. Hearing her say it’s a possibility she’s staying out loud takes that sliver of hope I have and magnifies it. If she stays, my chances of winning her back increase.

“There’s a lot to figure out if I do,” she continues. “I have no idea what to do about the house. Do I sell it to Matt? Stay here until I find someplace else? Run my business from here or step down as president? What would that look like? Do you even want to take on a bigger role? What if—”

“Whoa, whoa. Slow down, Jess.” David chuckles. “We don’t have to have all those answers tonight. Start with what you really want. Do you want to be there or in Seattle?”

“Here.” She doesn’t hesitate, and it makes me smile.

“Good. Let’s make that happen first, then we’ll figure everything else out.” Jessica nods and picks up a glass of wine. She takes a sip and starts to say something, but David continues. “You know, if you stay, this will make it so much easier for you and Matt to work things out and get back together.”

“David, I can’t get back together with him.”

“Why not?”

She drops her head into her hands and groans. “You know why.”

“No, I know what you keep telling yourself. I know you're stubborn and will fight against something just to make a point, even if it’s wrong. I know he’s single. And I’ve no doubt there’s more to his story than you know. You just have to give him a chance.”

“I don’t know if I can trust him again. Not after what happened.”

“Jess, I’ve seen the way he looks at you. And I know you still love him. I also—”

“Shit.” It’s at that moment that she looks up and sees me standing in the entryway. Her eyes widen, and I can see the rapid rise and fall of her chest. “Uh, David.”

“He’s there isn’t he?”

“Yeah,” she says without taking her eyes off me.

David laughs, and Jessica turns her gaze back to him and frowns. “Good. I hope he heard everything I said. You two need a little push.” Without another word, the video chat ends, leaving Jessica and me alone in an awkward silence.

“I didn’t mean to intrude,” I finally say.

Her shoulders relax and she lets out a slow breath. “It’s fine. It’s not like you heard anything you probably don’t already know.”

I can’t help but smile because she’s right. It was nice hearing David confirm all the things that have been swimming around in my mind, but it’s his last words that have my heart pounding and every ounce of my body begging for it to be true. I’m prepared to do the work required to earn her love again, but if she still loves me, then it’s her forgiveness and trust I need to focus on.

Not wanting to make things any more awkward than they already are, I head to the refrigerator and grab a beer. I pop the top and lean against the counter opposite where she’s sitting. She glances at her notes scattered across the island and starts gathering them up.

“Sorry. I kinda took over your kitchen.”

I wave off her concern and try not to let my smile show at the fact that she referred to this as my kitchen. “You’re fine. No need to apologize. Besides, it’s your kitchen.”

“I didn’t realize how late it was. I figured you’d be home by dinner time and need to feed Emmie, forcing me to take a break.”

“Have you been working all day?” I toss my beer back for a pull and try not to stare. For the first time since she arrived, she looks peaceful and content.

She nods. “Since just after lunch.”

I drop my arm and raise my brows. “Did you at least eat something for dinner?”

She wrinkles her nose and looks down at her laptop. “Not really. I had a snack earlier.”

“Jess, you have to eat.” I sit my beer down and open the refrigerator. “Let me make you something.”

“No, you don’t have to do that.”

I glance back at her and she’s worrying her bottom lip. “Are you hungry?”

“Yeah, a little.” Just then her stomach growls, causing her to groan.

“A little, my ass.” I turn back to the refrigerator and look at what I have. My eyes land on the block of Jarlsberg cheese and I grab it and the butter. “I’ll make you a grilled cheese sandwich.”

“Matt, you don’t have to do that.”

“I know.” I shrug and pull a skillet out. “But I want to, and you need to eat. I assume Jarlsberg is still your favorite.”

She brushes her hair behind her ear and suddenly looks shy, maybe even embarrassed. It's more of a response I might expect from someone on a first date who’s nervous. When her eyes meet mine, she smiles. “Yes. And Jarlsberg grilled cheese sandwiches are the best.”

“Good. Coming right up.” I smile and get to work slicing the cheese. I hear her behind me shuffling around papers and shutting her laptop. When I look back, she’s cleared most of her stuff away. “You didn’t have to stop working on my account.”

“I’m not. I’ve worked too long today anyway. I need to be done.”

“How about tomorrow?”

She pauses midway while putting files in her bag. “What do you mean?”

“Do you have to work tomorrow, or can you take the day off?”

“No. I mean, yes.” She stops, looks up at the ceiling, and takes a deep breath. “Sorry. I don’t have to work tomorrow.”

I smile. “Good. I could use your help.”

“With what?” She narrows her eyes, but her lips turn up into a slight smile.

“I have two horses that need exercise. It’ll be easier with a second rider.”

She gives me a puzzled look. “I didn’t think you had any horses here.”

“I keep them on the ranch. I need this space for the clinic. Plus, as soon as I keep a horse here, Emmie’s going to become even more relentless than she already is.”

Jessica laughs and it’s the sweetest thing I’ve heard in days, months, maybe even years. “That girl is more obsessed than I was at that age, and I was pretty bad.”

“Yeah, she was born ready to ride.” I smile and place a plate in front of her. I grab my beer and the sandwich I made for myself and slide into the stool across from her.

“Thanks for this,” she says before taking a bite. Her eyes roll back, and she moans. “This is so good. I think I’m hungrier than I realized.”

She takes another drink of her wine, and her glass is almost empty. I pick up the wine bottle and she nods, holding out her glass for a refill. After swallowing a bite of my own sandwich, I ask, “So, what do you say? Go riding with me tomorrow?”

She glances over at me but quickly diverts her eyes away. Her silence has my heart pounding. When Joseph suggested I ask her, I thought it was a great idea. I prepared myself for her to say no, but now that I’ve asked her the only answer I want to hear is yes. If she says no, I’ll be crushed.

Her eyes shift back to mine and they’re softer, less worried than a second ago. “Okay, sure. I could use some time on a trail.”

A huge smile covers my face. “Great. I planned on heading over to the ranch around nine. Momma will keep Emmie. Then we can get the horses ready.”

“Sounds good. I’ll be ready.”

We finish eating our sandwiches in silence, each of us stealing glances at the other. Oddly enough, it’s not as awkward as most of our previous interactions. I’d go as far as to say it’s on the verge of being comfortable. I don’t sense her anger or her pain, which is new. If anything I sense acceptance and maybe even anticipation of what tomorrow might bring.