Chapter 6

CHAPTER SIX

FINN

Monster is still a bit flustered when we sit down at our table, and I can’t help but wonder what’s really going on in his head. I was positive that he was going to kiss me earlier but then that lady knocked on the window and threw everything off. Of course, he won’t tell me what’s going on and this not knowing thing is driving me nuts.

He did mention feeling like an imposter and it makes me wonder if he’s in the closet and that’s why the lady cutting off our kiss caused him to get so shaken up. That could also be why he doesn’t date.

The waitress takes our drink orders as soon as we sit down and once she’s gone, I wait to see if Monster will start the conversation. He did say we would continue our chat over our meal, but I don’t want to push him if he isn’t ready. I’ve known plenty of guys in the closet and I know it’s not something easy to talk about. But if he is in the closet, I’m not sure I want to go too far with him. I won’t hide who I am for anyone and I’m not someone who likes to pretend I’m ‘just friends’ with a guy I’m in a relationship with. Not that this is even a date or anything.

Fuck, I hate that I’m so attracted to this guy and I’m already kind of shipping us together. Especially when I shouldn’t want him at all.

“I’m sorry for getting so flustered in the car,” Monster says, and I wave him off.

“It’s no big deal,” I assure him, even though I’m dying to know why he was acting that way.

“It’s actually a really big deal,” he responds before pressing his lips together.

I wait for him to continue since my words aren’t needed at this moment, but if he decides to change the subject then I’ll respect that as well.

“You know how I said in the car that I’m an imposter?” he asks, and I nod, but again, don’t say anything more. “I’ve always felt like something was wrong with me but didn’t know how to explain it. I just knew I was different. But I didn’t want anyone to know that I was different, so I kept my mouth shut and put on this persona,” he says as he waves his hand down in front of him. “All of my teammates think I’m a ladies’ man and that I sleep around but that isn’t true. I’m actually a virgin,” he confesses quietly, and I can’t help when my eyebrows fly up.

I was expecting him to confess that he’s into guys but not a virgin.

“I also fall on the asexual spectrum, which is why I thought something was wrong with me. I never had that drive and desire for sex that all my friends seemed to have but I didn’t know why. When I found out about the asexual spectrum, things made a lot more sense, but I still didn’t know where I fell on the spectrum. I'd been thinking that I might be totally ace… that is until tonight. When you were checking me out this sudden onset of desire rushed through my body, and I was lost in this daze. I’ve never experienced that before and when the lady knocked on the window, I was pulled back to the present and started to freak out a little. Not because I was attracted to you, but because now I don’t know where I fall once again.”

He pauses resting his hand on the table and I reach across to put mine on his.

Again this isn’t what I was expecting him to confess at all and I’m almost at a loss for words. How does one respond to this? I’m flattered that he’s attracted to me, but I can only imagine how confusing this must be for him.

“If it makes things easier, I’m attracted to you, too,” I tell him, hoping that will settle his fears a little.

A small smile pulls at his lips, and he lets out a small chuckle. “It does and it doesn’t,” he responds, and I tilt my head as I try to figure out what he means. “It makes me happy that I’m not the only one who has an attraction here, but it almost makes me more self-conscious about things now that I know you like me back.”

“Why?” I question, still confused.

“Because I don’t know if my desire for you is going to be a one off feeling or not. This is why I don’t date. I don’t want to fall for someone and eventually let them down because I can’t… umm… perform, if you know what I mean.”

I squeeze his hand feeling sympathetic for him. I can’t imagine having to think about that all the time and how challenging that would be. I knew I was attracted to guys at a young age and was fantasizing about them the second I went through puberty. It must be so lonely and confusing to grow up knowing that your body isn’t reacting like the majority of your friends. It also would make figuring out if you’re into guys, girls or both, a struggle.

“I’m sorry that you have to struggle with this,” I tell him, and he shrugs.

“I’m used to it now,” he mumbles. “But I won’t lie and say that it doesn’t make things challenging. I want to date and find someone who I can fall head over heels for, but I’m nervous. I get that to most people sex is an important part of a relationship, but like I said, I’ve never felt that desire course through me… until earlier that is, and I can’t stomach the idea of letting my partner down like that.”

The waitress comes to deliver our drinks and take our food orders at that moment, and I reluctantly let go of Monster’s hand.

My head is going a mile a minute as Monster places the order for the both of us after I tell him I’m not picky and want to try his favorite dishes.

What would a relationship with Monster be like? Obviously, I love sex and would be all on board for Monster to fuck the shit out of me, but would it be the end of the world if we dated and didn’t have sex? I’m used to using toys and getting myself off and it’s not like that doesn’t work. If Monster was able to give me what I’m missing emotionally that might be enough, but I can’t say for certain it would work out in the long run.

I’m beginning to see why Monster chooses not to date. It’s a lot to think about and for some people, no sex would be an instant deal breaker. But Monster did say he felt an attraction for me so maybe sex isn’t completely off the table after all.

Of course, I’m getting way too fucking ahead of myself right now. Just because he said he’s attracted to me and has these new feelings doesn’t mean he actually wants to date me. But I don’t think I’d say no if he asked me.

“I’m sorry for unloading all of this on you,” Monster says to me once the waitress leaves us again.

“Don’t apologize,” I respond. “I’m glad you told me the truth. It makes me understand you better. It also isn’t pushing me away.”

His brows shoot up almost comically fast. “Really?” he questions, and I can’t help but smile at him, he’s just too fucking cute. He’s definitely the giant teddy bear type.

“Really,” I assure him. “I’m enjoying getting to know you and the more layers you peel back the more things I find to like.”

“You like me?” he questions with a deer in the headlights look.

I nod and fight back a chuckle at just how adorable he is.

“I do like you,” I respond with a bright grin. “Even with your confession about your sexuality that isn’t changing. I hope I’m not the only one who feels a connection here.”

Monster shakes his head almost too quickly and this time I can’t help but let out a little laugh. He’s clearly flustered and isn’t sure how to act right now.

“I feel a connection, too,” he tells me, which causes those silly butterflies to flutter inside my stomach again. “You’re like no one I’ve ever met before, and even though you have very valid excuses to stay away from me, you’re still willing to push past them and get to know me. I’m beyond grateful for that, but I still don’t see how someone as vibrant as you would actually be into someone as weird as me.”

I shake my head while chuckling gently. “You’re not weird,” I assure him. “You’re different, but that isn’t a bad thing. You’re kind of a breath of fresh air if I’m being honest. Since you’ve been so candid, I’ll be equally as honest and say that I’d assumed a lot of things about you, mostly unflattering as I’m sure you can guess by our first meeting. But… you have and continue to prove me very very wrong, in all the best ways… and I like that. I like that you’re this giant, almost intimidating guy on the outside, but soft and sweet on the inside.”

A bright shade of red creeps across Monster’s cheeks at my compliments and he looks down at the table with a shy smile on his lips.

“I’m hoping that by the end of the night you’ll ask me out on another date,” I add and his eyes snap to mine.

“Is this a date?” he questions with wide eyes once again looking so damn cute.

“I’d like for it to be,” I reply, hoping that I’m not going to scare him off.

He nibbles on his lower lip before nodding. “Yeah, I think I’d like that, too.”

I beam at him, loving that he’s taking a chance here even though he’s obviously nervous about it.

“Perfect,” I reply, placing my elbows on the table and resting my chin on my hands. “Now tell me what it was like for you growing up.”

A soft smile spreads across Monster’s lips before he begins his story.

I’m glad that I didn’t let my prejudices stop me from asking him out tonight because he’s showing me that he’s a really great guy. But I can see myself falling pretty quickly for this man and I just have to pray this doesn’t end badly.