Chapter 5

CHAPTER FIVE

MONSTER

There’s a pile of clothes on the floor of my bedroom by the time I’m done getting ready to have dinner with Finn.

I don’t normally care what I look like or what I wear, but Finn is always dressed to kill, and I want to make a good impression.

“Do you have a date?” my roommate, Nick Bronson, more commonly known as Bronny, asks me when I pass by the living room on my way out the door.

My brows pull together and I shake my head. Doesn’t Bronny know me well enough by now to know that I don’t date? The wrestler has been my roommate and good friend for over two years now and knows that I’m not sure where I fall on the ace spectrum. I don’t think I’ve been on a date since we moved into the same apartment.

“I’m just meeting a friend for dinner,” I supply, still confused as to why he’s assuming it’s a date.

“Sorry, you just look extra spiffy tonight. I was hoping you finally decided to put yourself out there,” he replies. “You deserve to have someone who makes you feel special and treats you like the awesome guy that you are.”

I wave him off. “I’m fine with just having friends right now,” I tell him.

Even though I’m not lying, I can’t help but feel a longing for something more all the same. But what’s the point in even trying right now when my life could dramatically change after I graduate. I could be drafted to a city far from Green Spring, Michigan, and that would destroy any relationship, wouldn’t it?

I’ve never had a long-distance relationship, or any relationship really, but they don’t sound easy. Although I’m really good at communicating and if sex isn’t really on the table, maybe I’d be able to make one work.

I give my head a shake since it’s stupid to think about relationships in the first place.

“I’ll see you later,” I tell Bronny as I grab my keys and head out the door.

The drive to Finn’s apartment isn’t long. I’m able to listen to a couple of my favorite songs on the way.

There’s a giant smile on my face as I shoot a text off to Finn letting him know I’ve arrived at his place. I’m excited to get to know more about this intriguing guy who I can’t seem to get out of my head. I’m also a tiny bit nervous. He’s so different from me and I’m afraid I’m going to make a fool out of myself in front of him.

“Hey, handsome,” Finn greets me when he gets to my car, making my cheeks heat. I’m sure they are rosy red now.

I go to say hi back, but my words catch, and I have to clear my throat before I can talk normally. Fuck. Why am I like this right now? I’m not a people person, but I also don’t usually have trouble simply talking with people. Even those that I don’t know well. I just don’t do the approaching.

“Hi,” I finally respond to Finn who’s beaming at me. His bright red lips turned upward in the perfect smile.

He’s wearing a sparkly pink crop top, a pair of black slacks, and a black blazer. He looks amazing, but I can’t help but think how cold he must be.

“Aren’t you freezing?” I question with a tilt of my head.

Finn laughs then shrugs. “I’m a little cold, but it’s a price I’m willing to pay for fashion.”

“You look great,” I tell him before internally kicking myself. I probably shouldn’t say things like that, even if they’re true.

“You look pretty fantastic yourself,” he tells me before slowly looking up and down my body.

A shiver runs up my spine as he takes in the way I look and my heart races. I’m used to people checking me out, but I don’t normally react to it. And if I do, it’s uncomfortable because I don’t know what I’m supposed to be feeling. Right now though, I feel a small tingle of something I’ve never experienced before. I don’t know what it is, but I don’t hate it.

When his eyes track back up and reach mine, I’m unable to look away. It’s like his sapphire blue eyes have a magic hold on me.

Finn is the most gorgeous man I have ever met in my entire life and as I gaze into his eyes, I feel a pull toward him. There is this sudden desire to kiss his plump red lips. I want to know what he tastes like. I want to know what will happen when my lips touch his. Will he take the lead or be pliant in my hands?

Finn licks his lips, and my eyes zoom in on the motion.

I’ve kissed people before, but never out of desire, more like out of obligation. But right now there isn’t anything I want more than to kiss this beautiful man.

A knock on my window pulls me from my daze and I turn to find an angry looking older woman.

“This is a loading zone. You can’t park here,” she tells me, and I nod before putting the car into drive and pulling out of the spot.

My heart is racing so fast I feel like I’m about to pass out.

What the hell just happened back there?

“Are you okay?” Finn asks as I grip the wheel tightly.

I nod but can’t seem to form words.

I’m really not okay, but I don’t know how to say that at the same time. How do you tell a stranger that he’s the first person to make you feel desire and lust?

I wish this happened at the end of our dinner so I could call my friends and talk this over with them. What is it about Finn that has suddenly ignited these feelings in me?

In the massive amount of research I’ve done on the asexual spectrum I’ve learned that ace-flux is an orientation where someone can fluctuate between no attraction, some attraction, and a lot of attraction. I just never thought it fit me because I was always pretty strongly in the no attraction zone, until this moment. Right now I’m extremely attracted to Finn, but I don’t know what to do about that. Are these feelings going to stay or are they just here for a moment? I have no idea, and I really wish I had time to talk to someone about this right now. But I also am not going to be rude and end our evening together before it even starts just because I’m internally freaking out about my sexuality.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Finn asks again. “You’re shaking.”

“Umm yeah, that lady just startled me is all,” I lie.

My eyes are firmly on the road, but I can feel Finn’s gaze on the side of my face.

I know I’m acting like a crazy person but it’s hard not to when my brain is a completely jumbled mess. The absolute last thing I was expecting tonight was this sexual awakening and I’m freaking out more than just a little at this moment.

“How was your day?” Finn questions, trying to keep the conversation going which I appreciate.

“It was good. Classes went by fast, and we had an easy practice this afternoon since tomorrow is our first game of the season.”

Finn hums in understanding and I cast a quick glance in his direction, allowing myself a second to take in just how gorgeous he is.

He offers me a comforting smile which helps calm me a bit. My palms are still sweating but my heart rate seems to be slowing and the anxiousness that has been buzzing in my veins starts to ease.

“How was your day?” I check with him, returning my focus to the road so I don’t get us into an accident.

“It was pretty decent,” he responds. “My classes are all pretty easy this year and I have some amazing professors so those seem to fly by. Besides school, I don’t really do much. I’m still building my social circle, so I don’t always do a lot outside of schoolwork.”

“That makes sense,” I reply. “I don’t have much of a life outside of baseball and school myself. And my circle of friends is extremely small.”

“Why? You’d think everyone would want to be your friend,” he states, and I shrug.

“I struggle opening up to people,” I confess. “I’ve always kept most people at arm’s length because I didn’t want them to figure out that I’m an imposter.”

I pull into the restaurant parking lot at that moment and when I turn toward Finn he has his head tilted to the side like he’s studying me.

“How are you an imposter?” he checks.

I take a deep inhale through my nose before slowly blowing it.

How much should I tell him?

“How about we have this conversation over our meal?” I suggest, lifting my chin toward the restaurant.

Finn nods and opens the passenger door.

I follow behind him taking in just how attractive he is.

Ever since I first laid eyes on him, he’s been in my thoughts, and I can’t stop thinking about him, and just how intriguing he is. But now those feelings have morphed into attraction and desire, and I have no idea what I’m going to do about that.