11

Bethany wanted a baby. Wanted to be a mother. Wanted to have an offspring to raise and to watch grow.

And she had shared that dream with him.

Sure, he could tell she hadn"t meant to let it slip, given the way she had shut the door in his face and turned him away, but Cedric hadn"t even cared at the dismissal. He was too out of it, too distracted, to think of anything else as he climbed back into his truck, still smelling like her and him and fucking, to think about anything other than Bethany carrying her child, and him being a father.

If he was losing control before, he was now dangling on a too short rope with nowhere to go and no way to climb back up. He was so far out of his mind, out of his senses, and now, it was all he could think about, all he would be able to think about for days to come.

Cedric had never really thought too hard about having cubs. Having cubs meant finding a willing female, and even with the spring roaming, most bear shifters were also on human birth control, intent on keeping their flings something with no consequences. He knew by now, after weeks of fucking Bethany, that her cycle was halted chemically, likely from birth control as well, so there was no chance of an accidental one happening, but fuck...

If he was going to have cubs with anyone, it would be her. He hoped to all nature that any child born of them would look more like her than like him, with her bright smile and her golden hair, and...

Fuck. That would mean a bear shifter cub in her belly, tormenting her for months until it was born, and then she would have a babe that could shift back and forth, and she would be unable to keep up with it, and...

Would she send him away, if he got her pregnant? She hadn"t mentioned a mate anywhere in her equation. Sure, it didn"t take a lifelong mate to have a babe, but humans seemed to expect that kind of stuff, that sort of commitment. It was love, marriage, and then a baby for humans.

Would she let him stick around, caring for both her and the cub? Let him continue crawling into her bed at all hours of the night, knowing he would slip away each morning? Or would she move out to be with him, or him to be with her, or...

Fuck, he was thinking about it like she would actually want to have a cub with him, but why would she have brought up a babe if she wasn"t already thinking about it, and—

It came out of nowhere, the reality check he had been avoiding. The thoughts of the future and the plans he hadn"t been allowing himself to consider.

It wasn"t even a question of if he wanted to have cubs, which should have terrified him. That wasn"t in the cards for him, and he had been fine with the idea of not having a cub, knowing Gareth probably had a few from each spring when they roamed, but now that the question of if was in front of him, and a woman he wanted to be with had mentioned it...

Cubs with Bethany was the only thing he could think about. It filled his thoughts as he drove home, barely even feeling the burn from her clear dismissal. He had almost even followed her inside, but knew she was feeling a certain sort of vulnerability from her admission, and he had been too dumbfounded to find any words to say in response.

But, I would really like to have them with you.

But, I would love to give you that dream.

But, I"ve never thought of settling down before you.

But, I wouldn"t want to give you that then stay away.

But, I don"t know if I would make a good father.

A thousand things he had wanted to say, but had been unable to voice. And that last one? That was the one he couldn"t get past.

It wasn"t that Cedric was lacking a good father figure. Owen was a handful of years older than him, but had raised him and Gareth all the same, passing on the knowledge their father had imparted onto him while they roamed the mountains around Bear Valley before he and his twin were born. Owen had stayed, had helped them find jobs, had helped them set up their homes. He knew what it was to teach young to hunt and fish and roam, and to be bears.

But, his father had still left in the end, after spending a summer with Owen after getting their mother pregnant. He had left, and never returned. He had wondered, for years, why their father never returned, and had eventually smothered all thoughts of the old man once he became a grown bear in his own right. He didn"t need a father around when he had Owen, and Gareth had never even cared about the man one way or another.

But now, the question of becoming a father himself was right there in front of him, and he wanted it... even if he wondered if he would be any good about it.

He was on autopilot when he reached home, and sat for a long time in front of low burning fireplace, watching the embers start to catch on the logs he had added when he returned. He knew he needed sleep, because he had to take care of farm chores in the morning while the weather was still good, but all thoughts of sleep escaped him, particularly if it meant climbing into a bed that didn"t smell of Bethany.

He stayed there in front of the fire until morning came and he heard the chickens starting to waken in the barn, and forced himself to trudge out into the snow and start the chores. He hadn"t been doing much of them lately, leaving most of the work to Gareth, as he had been spending his early mornings with Bethany, and then returning home.

He was surprised when Gareth joined him in the barn, as he knew the other bear would have heard him from his cabin, but the two worked in silence as they fed the animals, milked the cow, and cleaned up the waste.

It wasn"t until Cedric offered Gareth the milk bucket that his twin finally spoke. "So. It"s a woman that"s been keeping you in town."

Cedric nearly asked how his twin knew, until he remembered that he hadn"t showered after sex in his truck, and that the scent of Bethany"s pleasure was all over him. "Yup."

"But you"re here this morning."

"Yup."

"Wanna talk about it?"

Did he? Yes, but not with Gareth. Gareth saw women as nothing more than a good time, and while Bethany was certainly a good time, she was also something more. Something different. Something special.

He wanted to talk to Owen, who seemed to have also found his someone special, but so long as Bethany"s truck was gone, he had to guess her cousin was at his brother"s cabin.

"You ever think about why our father didn"t come back?" Cedric asked, wanting to talk about that instead.

"Nope."

Short and to the point, was his twin.

Cedric sighed as he walked to the entrance to the barn, ready to open the side door to head home. He should sleep for a bit, before he headed back into town, even if sleep still seemed elusive.

"You gonna keep being gone?" Gareth asked, sounding a little... hurt. That was odd. His twin normally never cared about his absence.

"Don"t know. Probably."

Gareth said nothing, but he did spit, which could have been nothing, or...

"Don"t leave me to do all the farm work," Gareth muttered, and pushed past him to head out. "Supposed to be doing this shit together."

Cedric said nothing as his twin headed out into the snow, turning towards his cabin as he went, leaving Cedric alone with his thoughts once more. Gareth was right—he was leaving all of the work to his twin, which wasn"t fair to him. They were supposed to share the work, but Cedric had been in town so much, the every day chores was falling to his twin alone. Still...

Cedric couldn"t stay away from Bethany. Just like the mountain air being in his system, she was in his blood, and staying away from her would be like ripping his soul in two. He needed her. Needed her near him.

If he was even allowed to return.

And after running away instead of responding to her confession, he wasn"t sure if he even deserved to.

Being in his bear form made things easier. Sleep was elusive, and his skin had been itchy, either from the need to shift due to the lack of him doing so, or because he missed her touch. He would rather it be the first than the last, and so he had shed his clothes and lumbered off into the ice and snow, following his nose and his senses, trying to ignore all thoughts of her.

Because thinking about Bethany made him think about what she said, and thinking about what she said made him think of her having his cubs, and her being in his life, and...

He lumbered after a snow hare, not intent on catching the creature but instead chasing simply for the fun, then continued along the river until he eventually reached Owen"s cabin. There was only one truck out front, Owen"s, which was curious because he could see that another vehicle had been parked there until recently. It looked as though Cordelia had made it out to his brother"s cabin, but she was now gone. If he had to guess, Bethany"s truck would be sitting in front of her place when he returned to her bed... if he returned.

He truly didn"t know if he was allowed there anymore.

The cabin itself was cold and empty when he ventured inside, but it smelled of sex and sorrow, a pitiful combination. What had caused Cordelia to leave, and where was Owen?

Fuck, he could barely deal with his own shit right now. He wasn"t sticking around to have to deal with his brother"s as well.

Cedric shifted back into bear form and continued to roam, letting his paws take him wherever instinct led him, trying to ignore the thoughts racing through his head. It felt like obsession, and he couldn"t ignore it for too long, no matter how much he wanted to think of other things, like the scent of prey to chase down. That was what he wanted, to lose himself in his bear senses, but instead, he thought of his father, and of Bethany, and of cubs to raise.

She had never mentioned a man, nor of love and mates. Would he even be allowed to be a part of her and the baby"s life? He had thought she cared for him, as he cared for her, but humans moved slower than bears. They felt more in their companionship, while bears only mated for a short time, if they were compatible.

Would he be happy in his cabin alone, knowing that his cub was in town with a woman who held his heart? Fuck, no. Another piece of him would be ripped off from him, and he would never be away for long.

His father was a sperm donor, and nothing more, but Cedric would never be happy to be so little. He wanted to raise the cub with her, to watch it grow, to teach it to hunt and fish and roam, and to work the land. He wanted to see the world through those young eyes, as she did, and wanted to teach them to love life in Bear Valley.

He wanted that. Wanted a cub, with her.

Wanted a home with her.

It was with that thought that Cedric realized where he was, in the woods outside of Bethany"s cabin. The chimney had only a small amount of smoke coming from it, telling him that she was at work at the moment, and he realized, as he looked around with his bear eyes, that it was dark out. Already, it was later than it normally was when he journeyed into town to see her, and if he wasted anymore time, she would think he wasn"t coming.

He had made her a promise, and while the night before had been a dismissal, she hadn"t told him to stay away for good. She should be expecting him, and he wouldn"t disappoint.

The drive into town was one where he let his thoughts run free, planning a future for him, for the pair of them. He would move into town with her if she wanted, or bring her to his cabin to see what she thought. It was a good size home, with plenty of room to expand if need be. With the loft upstairs, he could move his bed there, and enclose his bedroom below to make it a space for cubs. Would she want more than one? What if there was twins? Would she—

Would she even allow him into her bed again, or was she done with him for good?

That question was answered almost immediately, as he pulled in beside her truck and rushed towards her front door, fighting the itchy urge to shift again. He knocked, feeling awkward, and it opened less than ten seconds later to Bethany, only half dressed, with her eyes wide and a sigh of relief.

"Bethany, I—"

He didn"t know what to say, but apparently, he didn"t need to say anything as she grabbed the front of his half thrown on flannel shirt, tugging him in and shutting the door behind him.

"Thank God you"re here," she said, still pulling him by his shirt. "I"m freezing cold, and you know there"s only one way to warm me up."

The fireplace was roaring, almost making the cabin too hot, but Cedric knew exactly what she meant. She wanted his hands on her body and the warmth of an orgasm rushing through her. He could do that. He could give her all of that.

Cedric picked her up and threw her onto the bed, only to realize he was still wearing his boots, and had tracked snow into her cabin. She was normally a stickler for boots off at the door, a rule he agreed with, which told him how desperate she was for him... or how much she didn"t want to talk about the night before.

He still had no idea what to say, or how to even mention his own desires, so he wasn"t going to fuck it all up by trying to say something he couldn"t fully verbalize. Instead, he tugged off his boots, and his pants as well, and climbed into the bed with her.

But when she was asleep on his chest, he laid there wide awake, unable to sleep despite how long it had been since he had done so, and feeling the itchy need to shift. He wanted her, wanted something more and deeper with her, but it felt impossible to have when he couldn"t even find the words to say what he wanted.

And so, with sorrow building in his gut, he climbed out of her bed and redressed, after cleaning up the melted snow from her floor. And when he drove home, he felt only cold, wishing he had stayed with her, but feeling no right to the intimacy of her touch any longer.

He had to get his shit together, and fast, before he fucked up the best thing to ever happen to him.