12

Cordelia returning to town was supposed to be a good thing, because then Bethany would have someone to talk to about Rick, about what she wanted for the future, about how she had maybe fucked everything up, and how to fix her shit. While Cordelia was barely older than her, there had to be a little more wisdom in her cousin, given how she was world travelled and experienced with real relationships. When she had invited the other woman over, it had been to try and fix her shit, and get advice.

Instead, Cordelia was in a daze and absolutely useless, leaving Bethany to her own thoughts. Thoughts about Rick. Thoughts about how he had come to see her the past two nights, but they had spent none of their time together talking. Thoughts about how he was once again leaving her bed before she woke up, skipping out on the soft kisses and gentle words that came with morning sex.

It was a good thing her period was still absent, because then they would be forced to talk. Of course, buying more pregnancy tests had only made her think more about what had happened between them, and how she had mentioned wanting a baby. He still hadn"t said anything, which she was both grateful for and annoyed with, because she could tell he wanted to say something. She never gave him the chance to speak, so maybe that was a little bit her fault, but she was too nervous of what he might say.

Because what if he wasn"t interested in giving her a baby?

Or... what if he was?

Ugh, no, that hope needed to shut up and die, and she needed Cordelia to distract her. Immediately.

"Have you been dickmatized?"

"What?" Cordelia seemed to jerk out of her own thoughts, thank goodness, and Bethany sighed as she walked from the couch to the bedroom.

"Dickmatized. You know, where the dick is so good and so big, it wrecks your cervix and your brain?" It was a term Bethany had been using for years, but she had never truly known the full possibility until Rick.

"No. Well, yes, but that"s not the reason—"

Bethany waved her hand, not interested in hearing her cousin stumble over her words. "You"re sitting here like a zombie except you keep shifting your hips like your cervix is bruised. I know the feeling. It"s okay to admit that you couldn"t take it."

It was a feeling she was all too familiar with... and the reason why she wasn"t sitting down.

"I was ready to tell him I loved him and beg him to put a baby in me, and the first chance the road cleared, he brought me back into town," Cordelia began, making Bethany suddenly feel ill. A baby? For the love of... they couldn"t both be mooning over Lumbersnacks they wanted to have babies with. Who the fuck were they?! "So... yes, my cervix is probably bruised, but it's my heart that hurts worse."

"Love him?" Bethany scoffed, ignoring how her own heart felt much the same. "You barely even know him. You can't fall in love with a guy over just a few days. I mean, his dick? Sure. We all love good dick. It's the only reason we tolerate men half the time. But a baby, Cordy? That's a lifelong commitment, and—"

Why did it suddenly feel as though she was trying to convince herself, rather than Cordelia?

"And I love him." It was a confession, Bethany was pretty sure, something Cordelia hadn"t said out loud until that moment. It made her feel ill all over again, because fuck... she was starting to worry she felt the same. "I know that sounds like I"ve lost my mind, but I do. I do love him."

Did she love Rick? Or did she just love the idea of him?

"Oh my God," Bethany whined, trying to ignore her beating heart. It was pounding in her chest, in fact, so loud she could hear it in her ears. Cordelia was always the practical one and never lost in her emotions. Bethany was the stupid one, who believed promises that were always broken. How had they reached a point that Cordelia was in touch with her emotions, while Bethany was trying to live in denial? "Fine, so you love him. What are you going to do about it?"

"What?"

"Do. What are you going to do? You love him, or whatever, and want his babies, so why are you sitting on my bed moping?"

It was the same bed Bethany had sat in that morning, fighting back tears of frustration when she woke up and saw that she was once again alone. The same bed that she had laid in thinking about having babies with a man she barely knew. The same bed where she had spent her nights loving him, and her mornings missing him.

Fuck. She was a disaster.

"There"s nothing to do but wait," Cordelia said with a sigh.

"Wait?" Fuck. Cordelia was supposed to have solutions. Not pulling the same shit she was. Waiting. Ugh.

"Wait. He said he didn't want me to be stuck with him all winter long in his cabin. Thought I would get cabin fever and become sick of him."

Was that the reason why Rick snuck out every morning? Cabin fever or something? Wait, fuck, she was supposed to say something."Mmm, well, if he lived in town, I would think he just wanted to see his other woman, or something like that. I guess you don't have to worry about him cheating. Everyone says the roads will be impassable after the next snow."

Would Rick keep coming when it reached the point that they were truly snowed in for winter?

And now, Cordelia was once again lost in her thoughts, prompting Bethany to finally speak up, needing to solve her own problems. Only, as she went to speak up, she suddenly felt, well, embarrassed. How could she even explain what was going on with her? She was supposed to be in her era of eating men up and throwing them away when she was done with them, but instead, she was just as pathetic as her cousin, waiting for something that probably wasn"t going to come.

Rick was always respectful of her wishes, and she had told him she didn"t want to talk about it again. He would probably honor that, and if they went much longer like this, Bethany"s cervix was going to explode from the constant fucking they did to avoid talking.

"Okay, I'm over talking about you," Bethany finally said as she sat down beside Cordelia, ignoring the soreness between her thighs. "I have to tell you about this absolute idiot I've been seeing."

"You"re seeing a guy?" Cordelia questioned, making Bethany feel awkward that Rick had been reduced to a guy. He was a grown man, and one who gave her more pleasure than she had ever imagined possible.

"Maybe. Not really. He has no personality, but his dick is big and—"

"And that"s all that matters to you."

"—and he fucks really good with it."

"And that"s all that matters to you," Cordelia said again with a sigh.

Yes. That was all that mattered to Bethany. Good sex. Nothing more.

Except, it was a lie. Fuck, was she lying to Cordelia, or to herself? To say that Rick had no personality... he did, what little she had seen of it. Sure, they spent almost all of their time having sex, but when he relaxed, in between rounds, when they were still at her work, when he walked her home...

He was sweet and gentle, and he respected her wishes, and he liked a simple life as she did, and he never wasted his words, and...

And she wanted to know more of him. She wanted to know everything.

Wanted to know if he wanted the same things she did.

"So you've been sleeping with the same guy. What about him?" Cordelia asked, pulling Bethany from her own lost thoughts.

"Okay, backing up, so, remember me telling you about the guy who climbed out of my bedroom window to avoid talking to me the next day?"

"Uhh..." Okay, no, Bethany had definitely told her about that. Had even mentioned seeing the bear. She remembered that much.

"I told you I thought he wasn't a local, but it turns out, he is a local, but lives outside of town. That's why he came back to my place the first time. I thought he was only here for the summer jobs, you know, but it turns out, he actually like, lives here year round. How I've never really met him before, I don't know, but the girls say he had never come into the bar before the night I took him home, so like, is he a local, is he not, but again I never have any hope that a man is going to come back, because they never do, and I"m not stupid enough to get my hopes up, but I took him back to my place that first night, and it was good, but he didn"t stay the morning. And this has been, like, a huge issue the whole time, okay?But so when he snuck out the first time, I swear, I watched him leave, but by the time I got to my window, all I saw was a bear running into the woods."

Cordelia had zoned out while she was speaking, so Bethany had thrown that bit in at the end, trying to see if she could pull her cousin back in.

"What?" Cordelia asked, and Bethany rolled her eyes. Typical.

"Yeah girl, I know. He's one of those rangers, like your Owen, so maybe he has a pet bear or some shit, but he was gone, and I'm pretty sure he didn't even give me his real name, but I didn't think I would see him again."

Every time she said his name, particularly when she screamed it, it still didn"t feel right.

"What was his—" Cordelia began, but Bethany cut her off.

"Rick, but that's not what's important. Are you paying attention or not?"

If she wanted to get Cordelia"s opinion on what to do, about whether or not to proposition Rick to be the father of her child, she needed her cousin paying a little more attention. The fact that he lived near the town was a huge change from her old plan, the one Cordelia had more or less approved of.

"Okay, so... you saw him again?" Cordelia asked, now back in the conversation.

"Yes! So, I didn't tell you about this before you left, because it didn't seem important, but like, the night before you left, he showed up at the bar again! And like, not even to drink. He was specifically there to see me. It was almost creepy, except then he started telling me about how he couldn't stop thinking about me, and how amazing I was, and then he asked if we could talk."

And then they had danced, and fucked, and they had barely talked at all save for the night she told him to stay until morning... and then the night where she had slipped up and admitted she wanted a baby.

"Talk?" Cordelia questioned.

"Talk. He wanted to talk."

"And so you..."

Honestly, did her cousin know her at all?"So I took him back to my place and fucked him again.Next morning, he was gone again. Figured, alright, that's the end of it, except..."

"He showed up at the bar again?"

"Showed up at the bar again," Bethany confirmed with a nod. Time to wrap this whole thing up."Anyway, that's been going on for the past few days. He comes by, wants to talk, we come back here, and then he fucks my brains out."

Cordelia tensed a little beside her, and glanced towards the bed itself."Should I be sitting on this bed?"

Uhh... she had changed the sheets recently, but she hadn"t since the night before... hadn"t at all, in fact, since Rick had stopped staying the whole night. She liked the scent of him on them. They gave her comfort... in a weird way. So... "Probably not."

Cordelia stood up and walked across the room, into the living room to look out the window. She had no idea what her cousin was thinking about, but she was all moony again, and Bethany still hadn"t reached the crux of her issue.

"Well, good for you," she said with a shrug. "Guess the dick is good."

"The dick is very good, and that's the problem."

"What?"

And there it was, her opportunity to bring up the baby thing, only... she couldn"t say the words. Couldn"t bring up the fact that she wanted more from him. Wanted to talk to him about the future, which...

Which, that thought, it gave her something to say. Another lie. Sort of."He's coming back tonight, probably, because he hasn't missed a night yet, and it's my night off."

"And?" Cordelia questioned.

Bethany nearly choked on the words she wanted to say. If he showed up early while she was at home, then they would have to talk at some point, because she could not keep having multiple rounds of sex. Her cervix needed a break, and she couldn"t distract him with it forever. If he showed up expecting her to be at work, he would want to talk when he realized she wasn"t, and then... and then...

"And, what if he goes in there and I'm not there?" Bethany lied, tasting only bitter misery as she side stepped what she needed to discuss. Fuck, she was terrible at this. She couldn"t even come to her own conclusions, or ask Cordelia for real help. How was she supposed to discuss this with Rick, when she couldn"t even discuss this with her cousin and best friend?

"Did you tell him tonight is your night off?" Cordelia offered, sounding like she was trying to be helpful.

Bethany laid back on the bed, feeling beyond annoyed with herself. Fuck. Fucking hell. Fuck. This was...

She needed to reach a decision, and soon. Before it all fell apart around her. "No. It felt too... commitmental."

"That's not a word," Cordelia pointed out.

Ugh, Cordelia and her brains. Bethany wasn"t in the mood. "It was like a commitment, like we actually are seeing each other."

"You are seeing each other."

"But it makes it real," Bethany confessed, the first honest thing she had said in a while.

Asking him about the future, about a baby, about life after winter, about life during winter... That would make it all real. She would know his real feelings, if they talked. Would know if what was happening between them was just sex and companionship, or something more...

"So... what are you going to do about it?" Cordelia asked, making Bethany face the fact that she hadn"t made up her mind.

Did she want to risk losing Rick by asking him to give her what she wanted, or did she just keep avoiding the topic?

"Fuck. Normally, I would say, screw him, and he can be there tomorrow night begging me to talk to him again. Like, normal me doesn't wait on a guy, doesn't... like, he's supposed to chase me, but like, if he wants to talk... that's a relationship, and I'm not a relationship kind of girl."

But only because men never kept their promises, and she refused to waste her life waiting on a man that kept her waiting.

But not Rick. Rick had returned, night after night, and sure it had only been a few weeks, but he had done all of this without commitment. What would happen if they actually communicated and got on the same page?

Would he break her heart like all the others? Promise sweet things he didn"t really mean?

"What kind of girl are you?" Cordelia asked, making Bethany think about who she was forced to be, rather than what she wanted to be.

A mother.

"I'm... fun! I don't have plans! I just take it season by season. And, I don't want a guy permanently, but seriously, the dick is good, and he wants to talk, so—"

"So go and talk to him?"

God, fuck Cordelia for having barely any of the facts but somehow knowing what Bethany needed to do but was strongly avoiding. Until they talked about it, she would be left in limbo, wondering about what could be, and if he wanted the same thing she did.

"I can't just... I can't—"

"I know," Cordelia said sadly, sounding heartbroken. Right, because talking had resulted in Cordelia returning to home, and leaving her man behind.

"You know... I've never known you to be the sort of person who struggles to talk to another person," Cordelia teased her, making Bethany roll her eyes as she sat up on the bed.

"This one is... I don't know. I think he wants something." Like to give her what she wanted more than anything... or to end it all just as she was starting to reconcile with the fact that maybe she was falling in love.

"Yeah, bitch. He wants to fuck you," Cordelia scoffed."Okay, I'm done with this."

Wait, no, where was Cordelia going? Wait! If Cordelia was there, then maybe she would be able to figure her shit out, and keep Rick from showing up too early. Or, if he did, Cordelia could get a feel for him, and help Bethany figure her shit out."Ugh... don't leave me, Cordy. What am I going to do?"

"You're dickmatized," Cordelia huffed. "Go... get more dick, or avoid it. And wash your sheets."

And just like that, Bethany was left alone to her thoughts, sitting on her bed alone, waiting for Rick to show up.

Ugh. Cousins. The worst.

Maybe she should do the same shit Cordelia did, and show up at his cabin, intent on spending the winter with him. They would have to talk eventually, and have a lot of sex along the way, and she could test out if she even wanted to—

No, what the hell was wrong with her? That would put her in a vulnerable position, particularly if he was avoiding commitment, or turned her down. No. Fuck that. No going to his cabin. No...

Was she in love? Or was she going insane?

Did she want a baby so badly, she was willing to risk losing the best sex she ever had to get it? Or, was Rick the exact sort of man she would want to raise a baby with, and maybe have something more...

Dammit, that was it. She wanted more. Maybe even everything with him.

And if he showed up at her door right then and there, offering her that, she would go with him, immediately. Without question.

And that thought...

That thought stayed with her as she sat alone with only the sound of the fire to keep her company, waiting for Rick to arrive.

Wondering if he would even offer.

Worrying that he never would.