Chapter 29

29

ALAINA

H e was pissed. I had hurt a good man because I let my sister get in my head. Cate was making a snap judgment about a man she had never spent five minutes with. Because of that, I pushed away a man that could have ended up being my soulmate.

Okay, that was probably a little dramatic, but I did think we might have been able to have some kind of a relationship. I shook my head, trying to shake off the regret. But the image of Roan's face, cold and distant at the flea market, was front and center in my mind. Rafe's excitement was a stark contrast to his father's frozen demeanor.

Roan was a good man. He was kind to Rafe. He cared about him and nurtured him, not just as a father but also as a friend. It was rare to see such a bond these days. I wasn't being biased when I said Roan was easily one of the best dads I had met.

We had a connection. I knew it the first moment he saved my life. He was different from the men I had known, gentle yet strong, calm yet passionate. But I had let my fears and insecurities push him away.

I turned my attention back to what I was supposed to be doing. I was surrounded by a chaos of colored pencils, glitter glue, and cut-out construction paper. I was working on some fun projects for my classroom, but my mind kept drifting back to Roan. Seeing him again, even from a distance, felt like a knife twisting in my chest.

My phone buzzed with a new email notification. I opened it and saw it was a confirmation for the trip to Florida in December. Three classrooms were going, including mine, and we would be spending two nights in Florida. A hotel had been booked, and several parents were signing up as volunteers. I scanned through the email from the convention center and felt a wave of mixed emotions.

The excitement of the trip was dampened by a sense of guilt. It was only happening because Roan had written that check. I hadn't even thanked him. Instead, I had given him attitude about it, questioning his motives and freaking out. I felt terrible about how I had treated him.

It was time to remedy that. I took my laptop to the bed and settled in. With a deep breath, I started to write a professional thank-you letter.

Dear Roan,

I hope you and Rafe are doing well. I am writing to express my gratitude for your generous donation that made the upcoming Florida trip possible. It means a lot to the children as well as the teachers. It will be a wonderful educational opportunity for the kids, and I am certain it will create memories that they will cherish forever. Your contribution will have a considerable and positive impact on our school community.

I read the email and was about to hit send when I decided to write out the apology he was owed.

I wanted to take a moment to apologize for what I said the other day. I realize I let my own insecurities and fears get in the way of what could have been a meaningful relationship. You have always been nothing but kind and generous. I value our friendship and the connection we share, and I sincerely hope we can move past this bump in the road.

I guess what I'm saying is I wish things had gone differently.

That was good. I quickly typed my name at the bottom and sent it. It was probably not enough, but I hoped it would smooth things over. I put the laptop to the side and went back to the table to try and finish my projects. I was at it for a couple of minutes when I heard the email notification on my laptop.

Roan had responded. I wasn't expecting him to reply, let alone that quickly.

I tapped on the email. My heart jumped into my throat as I read his short reply. Are you talking about the kisses?

"The kisses?"

I reread the email I sent to him, trying to figure out why he would think that. I realized I had been a little vague.

I took a deep breath and began to craft a response.

I'm not sorry about the kisses. Not even a little. I think about those kisses all the time. I miss you more than I thought was possible. I wish we had done more. I think about you when I go to sleep at night and usually I dream about you. I guess we'll never know what could have been.

My fingers hovered above the keyboard. Obviously, I wasn't going to send it. I couldn't. I was not the person that poured my heart out. But damn, it would feel good to send it. To just get it all out there.

Just as I was about to delete it, Beau jumped onto the bed, nudging my hand with his nose. It hit send.

My heart plummeted. I stared at my screen in horror, wishing I could take it all back. But there it was, already gone into the ether. A wave of dread washed over me. What had I just done?

"No, no, no! Please, no."

I checked my sent file in hopes there was a glitch and the email didn't send.

Roan would think I was desperate, and I'd ruined any chance we had to start over. I closed my laptop in a panic, feeling like I wanted to bury myself in a hole and never come out.

My fingers twitched for a moment before scrambling to the keyboard. Maybe I could explain it? Or clarify that it was an accident? No, there was nothing I could say that would make me look less pathetic or desperate. I would tell him I was drunk. Really drunk. Or it was a dare.

"I was hacked!"

That would work. Right?

I groaned and put my hands over my face. Beau let out a soft, contented groan of his own. He was now curled up on the bed, eyes closed, completely oblivious to the turmoil he had just caused. But I couldn't blame Beau for my reckless words.

My phone rang. I froze. Sheer panic and terror gripped me. It was him. He was probably going to tell me I was crazy and to stay away from him. It rang a third time. There was no getting around it. I reached for my phone like it was a live snake, but it was Cate calling.

"Hey," I answered, trying to sound totally casual.

"Hey! Are you free tonight?"

I wasn't sure if that was a joke or not. She knew I had no social life. "Why?"

"We're going out," she declared.

I hesitated, my mind still reeling from what I'd just done. "Um, I don't know, Cate."

"Come on. I've got tickets to a concert at the United Center. My friend bailed on me at the last minute, and I could really use some company. You know you're just going to be sitting there by yourself. You have to get out of there. You need to socialize. Party. Act like you are a woman in your twenties and not some old lady. You in?"

Part of me wanted to decline, to wallow in my embarrassment alone. But another part of me craved the distraction. "Sure," I found myself saying. "I'd like that."

"Great!" Cate exclaimed. "Meet me there at seven. Wear something fun! It's a concert. Try to look like a regular adult."

"Okay," I agreed, trying to muster up some enthusiasm.

"See you there."

After hanging up, I took a deep breath and tried to focus on getting ready. I picked out a casual yet fun outfit, feeling slightly better as I got dressed. Maybe a night out with Cate was exactly what I needed to take my mind off things.

At seven o'clock on the dot, I found myself standing outside the United Center, scanning the crowd for Cate. The excitement in the air was palpable with people milling about, meeting friends, and snapping pictures in front of the various posters.

"There you are!" Cate's voice rang out above the noise. I turned to see her weaving through the crowd toward me, a grin plastered on her face. She was decked out in an outfit that spoke volumes about the fun-loving girl she was.

We got in line and quickly passed through security to make our way inside. The venue was pulsing with energy, the music already thumping through the speakers as an opening act played on stage. Cate and I moved through the crowd, finally settling in a spot with a decent view of the stage. The lights dimmed with each song until it was finally time for the main act.

A hush fell upon the crowd and then, with a blinding explosion of light, the band appeared on stage. The cheers of the thousands of fans were deafening. My earlier troubles seemed to fade away, overtaken by the adrenaline rush of being in such a live and electric atmosphere.

Cate and I danced and sang along, surrounded by a crowd of enthusiastic fans. Even though the music wasn't really my taste, I found myself caught up in the energy of the night.

"Thanks for inviting me, Cate," I shouted over the music, smiling at her.

Cate grinned back, her eyes twinkling with mischief. "Of course! You needed this."

As the concert went on, I began to feel like a different person altogether. The embarrassment from earlier seemed to belong to another lifetime. Big deal. I sent a stupid email. He could laugh at me all he wanted, but at least I had the courage to actually say what was on my mind—with Beau's help. He was the one that was hiding his feelings and playing games.

A ballad replaced the pulsing beat and the crowd quieted down, swaying in unison with the rhythm. Cate grabbed my hand. She wasn't the feelings type. But I knew my bigger sister loved me more than she let on. We were all we had in this world.

Just when I thought things couldn't get any better, the band started playing their most popular song. The euphoria of the crowd reached a fever pitch. Every lyric echoed around us. Everyone was shouting along and really getting into the music.

Cate and I were no exceptions. The music pulsed through our veins. We sang along at the top of our lungs, completely lost in the exhilarating experience. I probably wouldn't be able to hear in the morning, but I didn't care. I was having way too much fun. I could sing at the top of my lungs and no one could actually hear me. I would also be hoarse, but again, that didn't matter. This was therapeutic. Why didn't I go to more concerts?