Chapter 28

28

ROAN

I slumped back into the familiar darkness that had consumed me after my divorce. The endless cycle of dating women who only cared about my wealth and status had drained me, and now it felt like I was right back there. Alaina had seemed different, but her inability to trust me because of my money left me feeling more isolated than ever.

Her words echoed in my mind. She said I could have anyone, so why her? At the time, I couldn't answer her. Now, as I thought about it, I realized it wasn't about having anyone. It was about wanting someone who saw me, not my bank account. Someone who could just make me feel like a normal dude.

She was independent and supportive at the same time. I really thought we had found something good. I felt her absence, both physically and emotionally, as I sat alone in the kitchen sipping my morning coffee.

Her words still lingered in my head, playing like a broken record. She had been trying to protect herself from getting hurt. But what she didn't see was that she was hurting me too. Why would she think I was going to hurt her? What had her sister said about me?

I took a long drink of my coffee, feeling the burn down my throat. I wished it could numb the pain that was gnawing at me. I wished I could spike it with something to help ease the pain in my heart. But I had the day off and today it was all about me and Rafe. Getting hammered before noon wasn't exactly good fathering.

He was still asleep, which I was just a little jealous about. My mind wouldn't let me rest these days. It wasn't long before I heard his footsteps. He walked into the kitchen with his hair a mess and rubbing his eyes. "Are we going to make pancakes?"

"I'm not sure you can even see straight yet," I teased.

"Did you get the chocolate chips?"

"Of course, because pancakes aren't pancakes without chocolate chips." I smiled. "Let me get you some orange juice and then we'll start cooking."

I collected the ingredients for our breakfast. We worked together in the kitchen, father and son, creating a mess of batter and chocolate chips that was sure to become an equally delicious mess on our plates. The smell of pancakes sizzling on the griddle filled the house along with our laughter. Rafe tried to flip his pancake and it landed on the floor.

It was these moments I cherished. Moments of pure joy with my son without any pretense or pressure. These were the moments that made life worth living, even when it felt like everything was falling apart. He was certainly the light in my life.

I pulled the bacon out of the air fryer while Rafe grabbed a couple of plates.

We sat down and topped the sugar laden pancakes with whipped cream. "So, what do you want to do today?" I asked him.

"Can we go to the park?"

"Sure." I nodded. I figured a bit of fresh air might help clear my head.

While we ate, he talked about the robot they were working on in class. I tried to be enthusiastic. I was glad the class was getting to go on the trip. They all deserved it.

After the sugar overload, I sent him upstairs to get dressed. The park was a good idea. The kid needed to run off all that chocolate. I checked the weather, happy to see it was chilly but not cold and the sun should be out.

We headed to the nearby park. Rafe's excitement was contagious despite my brooding mood. As we walked, he chattered on about school, friends, and his latest obsession: getting a dog.

"Dad, wouldn't it be so cool to have a dog?" he asked, his eyes wide with enthusiasm.

I sighed inwardly, having had this conversation more times than I could count. "Rafe, we've talked about this. I can barely find a decent babysitter for you, let alone someone to take care of a dog."

"But Dad, dogs are easier than kids. They just need food, water, a place to sleep, and lots of love."

"You make it sound so easy," I retorted with a chuckle, ruffling his hair lightly. "Let's see about getting you a dog when we get settled. You've got the trip to Florida coming up. Where do you think the dog is going to go? There are a lot of things to consider."

Rafe frowned at me but didn't press the matter, instead veering off toward the swings. I watched him from a distance. Somehow, being around Rafe made everything better. He oscillated between swinging, sliding, and pestering me to join him on the monkey bars. I felt like my arms were going to be jerked out of their sockets.

"Man, I'm too old for this," I groaned.

He giggled and showed off his upper body strength, swinging from bar to bar before jumping down. "How old are you?" he asked.

"Thirty-four," I replied.

His mouth dropped open. "You are really old!"

"Thanks, kid." I laughed. "Don't send me off to the nursing home just yet."

After a while, Rafe ran up to me, panting slightly after playing on the climbing thing. "Dad, I'm hungry. Can we get something to eat?"

I glanced around and saw a hot dog vendor across the street. After the food festival in the park with Alaina, I was more open to trying something new. "Sure, buddy. Want a hot dog?"

"Okay."

We made our way to the vendor and ordered a couple of dogs. We sat on a nearby bench, munching on our food and people-watching. I had to admit, the hot dog was good. I didn't want to think too much about the handling practices and chose just to focus on the taste.

A young couple walked by, pushing a stroller on their way to the park. I used to imagine that life. I thought I would have two to three kids and a wife that would be happy to be my partner and the mother to my children. It was crazy to think that dream exploded in the blink of an eye.

One day, I had a wife and Rafe had a mother. I would never call her a good mother, but he had a mom. And the next day, she was gone. She packed her bags and washed her hands of any responsibility. I knew one day her decision was going to come back and haunt her just like I knew one day Rafe would have more questions. I dreaded the day, but I would handle it the way I had handled raising him.

He looked up at me with his big, curious eyes. "Dad, why do you look sad?"

I forced a smile, tousling his hair. "I'm not sad, Rafe. Just thinking."

"Were you fighting with Miss C?" he asked.

"What?"

"Are you mad at Miss C?" he asked.

"No." I smiled. "We were just talking."

"You looked angry," he said, eyeing me skeptically.

"No."

"Are you friends?"

I grinned, shaking my head at his inquisition. "I don't know. Maybe."

Rafe tilted his head, clearly trying to understand. "Do you like her?"

I chuckled, amazed at how straightforward kids could be. "Yeah, I do. But sometimes, things are complicated."

Rafe frowned, considering this. "Why can't you just tell her you like her and be happy?"

I wished it were that simple. "It's a bit more complicated than that, buddy. Sometimes, grown-ups have to deal with a lot of stuff that kids don't have to worry about."

He seemed to accept this, though I could tell he was still puzzled. "I think Ms. C likes you too. She talks about you a lot."

I looked at him, surprised. "She does?"

He nodded earnestly. "Yeah. She said you're a good dad and really nice. I'm not supposed to tell you, but we're giving you a surprise to thank you for funding that trip."

I laughed. "You guys don't need to do that," I assured him.

"But we are."

We finished our hot dogs but didn't get up to move right away. Alaina's distrust hurt, but I couldn't blame her entirely. My life was complicated. I wasn't sure how to bridge the gap between us. I had pushed her away several times. It was no wonder she had some concerns.

"Ready to go home?" I asked him.

"What's that?" he asked, pointing to an indoor flea market.

"It's called a flea market."

"Can we buy some fleas?" he asked.

"No, it's a place where people sell stuff, old stuff or stuff they make," I told him. "I don't really know."

"They have kettle corn," he said. "Can we go?"

I looked at him like he was crazy. "You want to go to a flea market?"

"I see kids going in there. They're not afraid of the fleas."

I did tell him this was his day. "Okay. Let's go. And there's no fleas in there. It's just what it's called. Flea markets don't have fleas like super markets don't wear capes."

We walked inside and got a bag of kettle corn. It was a busy place. Rafe darted from booth to booth, eyes wide with excitement as he took in the eclectic mix of goods. I had never been to a flea market before and had no intention of buying anything, but Rafe was having a good time. I wasn't about to rain on his parade.

"Dad, look at this!" he shouted, holding up an ancient-looking toy truck. I smiled and nodded, pretending to share his excitement while my mind drifted elsewhere. "Can I get it?"

I imagined it cost a dollar. "Fine."

To my surprise, it was twenty bucks. The guy manning the booth was trying to convince me it was an antique. I was pretty sure I had the same truck when I was Rafe's age. I wasn't an antique. We moved on with Rafe trying to take it all in. He wanted to see and touch it all. I kept a close eye on him, not wanting to lose him in the crowd.

The various scents of homemade soaps, fresh baked goods, and the musty smell of old books mingled in the air. I wandered aimlessly, stopping occasionally to examine something just to keep up appearances. It was during one of these moments, while pretending to be interested in a handmade leather wallet, that I felt a pair of eyes on me. I looked up and locked eyes with Alaina, who was browsing a booth nearby.

Rafe saw her at the same moment and ran over, his excitement doubling. "Miss C!" he exclaimed.

I stood back, pretending to be engrossed in the wallet. My heart pounded in my chest. I silently cursed my luck. Of all the places, of all the times.

"Hey, Rafe!" Alaina greeted him with a warm smile, then glanced at me. "Roan."

"Alaina," I acknowledged, giving her a brief nod before turning back to the wallet.

Rafe chattered excitedly about the various treasures he had found, oblivious to the tension between us. Alaina looked like she wanted to say something, but I cut her off. "Rafe, it's time to go."

Rafe looked up at me, confused. "But we just got here."

"I know, but we have things to do," I said, my tone leaving no room for argument.

Alaina's face fell slightly, but she forced a smile. "It was nice seeing you both."

"Yeah, you too," I mumbled, turning away.

We left the flea market. Rafe was clearly not happy with me. I could feel his questions bubbling up, but thankfully, he spared me. We drove home in silence, Rafe's earlier excitement replaced with a quiet confusion.

Once we were home, Rafe finally spoke. "Dad, why didn't you talk to Miss C?"

I sighed. "We just didn't have time, buddy."

Rafe didn't look convinced, but he let it go, turning his attention to the toy truck he had bought. I watched him play, my mind racing. The encounter with Alaina had stirred up all the emotions I had been trying to suppress. I had told myself that staying away was the best thing for both of us but seeing her had made that resolve crumble.

The rest of the day passed in a blur. That evening, after putting Rafe to bed, I sat on the back patio with a glass of whiskey. The night was calm, the stars bright against the dark sky. I replayed the events of the day in my mind, wishing I had handled things differently. Maybe it was time to stop running and face my feelings head on.