Chapter 30

30

ROAN

H er email hit me like a ton of bricks. What was she saying? Desperate feelings of confusion swirled inside me as I reread the email. Each word felt like a punch in the gut. She wished we had done more? But why? Why now? Why did she choose to tell me in such a way?

She missed me. It wasn't like I was missing. I was right here. She was the one that pushed me away. I guess technically there had been a little pushing and pulling on both sides, but she was the one that accused me of being a rich, out of touch playboy.

That was insulting. I had let her see the real me and she acted like it was nothing. I glanced down at my phone and thought about responding. I didn't even know what that email was about. Was she fucking with me?

What was I supposed to say? That I missed her too? That I thought about her every waking hour? That the thought of her with someone else was like a kick to the nuts?

Instead, I just stared blankly at the screen, feeling a strange mix of anger and hurt. She had no right to play with my feelings like this, not after everything we had been through.

I rubbed my temples as I put the phone down on the desk. The silence of the room was deafening, a stark contrast to the chaos in my mind.

I leaned back on my chair, rubbing my forehead as if that could somehow rub away the bewilderment stirred up by her sudden confession. I turned my chair and looked out the window. It was all dark skies with the usual Chicago skyline in full view.

It was far too late to be here, but I didn't need to go home yet. Rafe had a new overnight nanny who seemed to be doing a good job. I had been burning the candle at both ends all week. The nanny knew I was going to be home late. I had given her the guest room for nights that I was too late, and it was easier for her to just sleep over.

The office was dark. Everyone else had gone home long ago. After her email, she'd thrown me for a loop. It took me a long time to get back on track. And then I had a call with Europe, which I could barely remember what was even said. I hoped I didn't give away the farm.

I got up and paced the office. I felt like I was at a crossroads. I could call her or ignore the email and never know what could happen. If I did call her and she told me it was a joke, it would kill me.

I pulled out my phone and dialed her number, but it went straight to voicemail. I cursed under my breath and rubbed my eyes. Was she avoiding me? Why email me something like that and then ignore me?

Just then, Jake popped his head into my office, scaring the shit out of me. "What the hell?" I growled.

"Why are you so jumpy?"

"Why are you skulking in the halls?"

He laughed. "Because I had phone calls to make. I'm heading home. You should too. You look like you've been through the wringer."

I managed a weak smile. "Yeah, I'll head out soon."

He walked into the room and leaned against the desk. "You sure you're okay, man?"

I shook my head, feeling the weight of everything bearing down on me. "No, I don't think so, Jake. This thing with Alaina. It's got me all twisted up inside."

"Are you still trying to figure out if you should hook up with her?"

"It's not hooking up. It's not like that at all. She's not a booty call or a random woman."

"Then what's the problem?"

"I don't know. It's complicated."

Jake nodded knowingly. "What's the worst that can happen if you hook up with her?"

I shot him a look. "It's not that simple, Jake. She's not just someone I want to hook up with."

He raised an eyebrow. "Then what is she?"

I hesitated, trying to find the right words. "She's more. I care about her."

Jake's expression softened. "Then why are you sitting here moping? If you care about her, go after her. Tell her."

I ran a hand through my hair, frustration building. "You don't get it, Jake. She's Rafe's teacher."

"So?" Jake countered, his voice steady. "That doesn't mean she can't have a life outside of school. Teachers date, have boyfriends, husbands. I'm guessing, judging by the number of teacher's kids, they also have sex. It's not against the law."

I shook my head. "It's not about that. It's about Rafe."

Jake sighed. "Roan, you can't put your life on hold forever because of your son. You deserve to be happy too. Rafe is going to get to be sixteen, seventeen and wonder why his dad never had a girlfriend. He's going to be a teenager with raging hormones and he's going to have some questions about why you never had a girlfriend or sleepovers."

I frowned. "It's not just about me. What if things don't work out between me and Alaina? I don't want Rafe to be affected."

Jake shook his head, clearly exasperated. "You're letting fear control you, man. If you like her, go for it. Stop making excuses."

"I don't know, Jake. I need to talk to her."

Jake sighed. "Then call her again. Stop overthinking everything."

I nodded slowly, realizing he was right. I needed to stop overthinking and just take action. If she shut me down, so be it. I would walk away for good, no matter how many emails she sent me.

"Goodnight," I said.

He chuckled. "Goodnight."

I waited until he was out of the office before I picked up my phone and dialed Alaina's number once more. It went straight to voicemail.

"Sonofabitch," I muttered.

Now that I had it in my mind I was going to talk to her, I was determined to do just that. She could try and ignore my calls, but I knew where she lived. I was not afraid to use that information. I grabbed my keys and headed down to my car.

It was nearly midnight by the time I found myself standing outside Alaina's apartment. I knocked on the door, knowing just how inappropriate it was to be showing up at her place. I strongly considered turning around and getting right back in my car, but something told me to see this through.

When she opened the door, dressed in pajama shorts and a tank top, her makeup done and her hair teased, I couldn't help but feel a pang of jealousy and confusion. "Alaina," I started, my voice rough with emotion. "I'm sorry, are you—busy?"

"Busy?" she repeated.

"Do you have company?"

"No." She frowned.

"We need to talk."

She looked surprised, but after a moment's hesitation, she stepped back and gestured for me to come in. "Sure, Roan."

I followed her into the living room, my heart racing. I didn't want to lose my nerve, but I was a little disturbed by the way she looked. She'd obviously been out. I was jealous. I didn't like being jealous. I took a deep breath, trying to gather my thoughts. "Where have you been?" I blurted out, unable to stop myself from asking.

She raised an eyebrow, clearly taken aback. "I went to a concert," she replied, her voice tinged with annoyance. "I can't hear all that well right now. Why? Why are you acting like I'm in trouble?"

I frowned, feeling a pang of guilt. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that. I've just never seen you all, you know, made up and stuff."

She rolled her eyes. "It happens. Why are you here?"

"I just… I needed to see you."

She sighed, sitting down on the couch and motioning for me to do the same. "Okay, Roan. Let's talk."

"Are you sick?" I asked.

"Sick?"

"Your voice," I said. "You sound hoarse."

"I was shouting a lot." She shrugged. "What's going on?"

I took a seat trying to calm the storm of emotions inside me. "Look, about that email…"

She hung her head low. "I was trying to think of a good excuse for that. It wasn't supposed to be sent."

"No?"

"No." She smiled. "I'm so embarrassed."

"Why?"

"Because it was just one of those silly things," she said. "I didn't mean to send it. Let's just forget about it. I think we should forget that we kissed and… everything that was said. Let's just wipe the slate clean."

My heart sank, but I knew she was right. "Yeah, maybe we should just be friends again."

Alaina looked away, her jaw clenched. "Yeah, friends," she murmured, her voice barely audible.

I swallowed hard, feeling a lump in my throat. "Just friends," I repeated, the words almost sticking in my mouth.

Alaina met my eyes. "It's for the best."

I held out my hand, offering it to her in a gesture of friendship. Touching her did something to my body that I was desperately trying to fight.

"Agreed," I said, forcing a smile. As I pulled away, the loss was tangible. I couldn't imagine this would be our last moments together.

But then, as if some unspoken tension had been released, the atmosphere shifted. It was sizzling, crackling with sexual tension.

"Roan," she murmured, staring at our intertwined hands.

"Yes?" My voice was rougher than I expected.

She pulled her hand away, a hint of sadness in her eyes. "This is not going to be easy."

I looked at her, silent. I knew she was right. Being friends. Was that even possible? How could I be friends with a woman that I could only picture naked? That was what I saw when I looked at her. I remembered the way she tasted. That was not something I would ever forget.

The tension was unbearable. It was there in the way my heart thumped against my ribs. It was there in the way she held my gaze.

"Alaina." I held my breath.

I knew in that moment that there was no way in hell I could be around her without this happening. I grabbed the back of her head and pulled her in for a kiss.

A kiss that was both soft and fierce, a battle for control and surrender that left us gasping for breath. Our lips intertwined, each touch sending shockwaves through my body. The taste of her, the scent of her, intoxicated me.

"S-stop," she stammered, pulling away from me. Her eyes were wide with surprise and something else I couldn't identify. "This… this isn't right."

"And why not?" I asked, our proximity making it hard to think straight.

She clenched her jaw tightly as if trying to suppress the emotions raging within her. "Because we agreed," she said, backing away from me.

"Fuck that," I growled. "I know you want me."

"I didn't say I didn't want you," she murmured. "But you said?—"

I kissed her again, squelching her protest.