31. Ryan

31

Ryan

T he sun hits my barely opened eyes. I’m on the floor of my house in the same clothes I worked out in the day before. There’s trash and alcohol bottles scattered across the main room. Why am I on the floor? Sitting up, I grab my pounding head. My thoughts are unclear and heavy. I reach for my phone on the couch and scroll through endless notifications, mostly from the team.

Mason: Where are you?!

Hartley: What were you thinking?!

Hartley: You’re the stupidest collegiate athlete I’ve ever seen.

Mason: We need to talk.

I can take the heat from my teammates and fans, but one text sends a punch straight to my gut.

Five missed calls from Mom .

Mom:How could you, Ry? Come over.

I can’t face this today. Her text, mixed with the worst hangover imaginable, makes me so sick that I run to the bathroom and vomit for the next hour.

I spent the next few hours piecing yesterday’s hazy events together. Workout, meeting, bar, Violet..

My brain hurts when Violet’s name crosses my mind. I don’t remember everything, but I know it was bad. She hasn’t texted or called. I remember screaming at her and the bartender. Her eyes were glossy and red. She found me, and I treated her like crap. She cared enough to search for me, and I let her down. Whatever picture she created of me in her mind was shattered into pieces last night. She saw a glimpse of the old me. The broken version of myself that pushes away anything and anyone that could hurt me. It’s best for her that she stays far away, but I can’t help the magnetic pull I feel when I’m with that girl. She brings out the best in me. That’s not something I’m willing to give up.

I push her contact number and call her. Each call goes straight to voicemail. Either her phone’s dead, or she’s blocked me. I know I broke her trust in a monumental way, but I need her. It’s selfish, but I’m addicted to her presence. I need to breathe in her intoxicating scent and feel her warmth around my calloused soul. I want to feel her soft, warm skin and her head nuzzled against my chest. I called her three more times with no luck. I need to shower and go to her. I’m positive that I’m the last person she needs or wants to see, but I can’t help myself from trying.

After a hot shower and fresh change of clothes, I drive to my girlfriend’s apartment with full intentions to explain everything and pray that she forgives me.

Is she even my girlfriend anymore after last night?

I’m ready to give her what she needs. I’ve lost everything, and I can’t face the reality of losing her too. I walk up the narrow steps and knock on the door, but I’m not greeted by my lifeline.

“Look who it is.” Hartley grabs my shirt and pushes me out of the entryway to the apartment. His eyes are black, his shoulders are tight, and he’s ready to beat the crap out of me.

“I’ll explain, but I need to see Violet,” I beg. I know the way to my girl is through her best friend, and I’m not above begging.

“I’m sure you do, but you lost that right when you abandoned her last night.” His yells echo through the complex. His jaw is clenched, and his face is on fire. He’s barely holding it together. Shoot. I don’t even know if we won last night’s game. If the team lost, I’ll feel even worse.

“Hartley,” I groan and keep my arms down. Hartley’s fists are balled up tight on my shirt. His face is so close to mine, I can feel hot breath on my skin.

“You were supposed to take care of her. Do you know how hot I was when everyone sent me videos of you exploding on her last night? After losing the playoff game. I came home and punched a hole through the wall!” He pushes my chest back, and I tumble back with a hard jolt.

“I’m sorry. So sorry, Hart. I let the team down in a monumental way. I don’t even know what to do or say, but every time I think about it, vomit rises in my throat." I look down shaking my head in shame. "Look, I just need to talk to her. Please just give me that,” I beg my girl’s brutish best friend. I don’t deserve to see her, but this is all I have.

“Nice apology, but you can shove it where the sun doesn’t shine. Go wreck your own life. I know a thing or two about that but don’t bring her into it,” he spits the words at me with venom.

“I love her. None of this was supposed to happen. I didn’t want her involved in my mess.” The emotions built up inside overflow into anger. “I needed the money and did what I had to do. I kept her out of it to protect her.”

“Protect her? You did a stellar job with that. Keeping her in the dark and embarrassing her. I knew this would happen. I let my guard down, and you screwed her over. It won’t happen again.” He points a finger close to my face.

“Did you not hear me? I love her more than anything in my life.” My heart bursts out of my chest. “She’s the only thing that makes sense to me. I know I royally screwed up, but I need to see her. I need to hear from her own mouth that she doesn’t want me here. Then, I’ll leave.”

“Leave.” He walks me closer to the stairs.

“I’m not leaving without seeing her. I need to see her.”

“Leave or I'll–”

Before he can finish, the angelic voice of the only home I’ve ever known appears at the entrance to the apartment. “Both of you, stop!”

Our heads snap to face the girl that we both love in monumentally different ways.

“Vi,” I gasp because seeing her takes my breath away. I’ll never get tired of her, but I have serious ground to cover.

“Hartley, give us a minute,” she mumbles. Her eyes have dark purple circles painted on her perfect skin. Her hair is thrown into the messy bun that I love. Her voice portrays pure exhaustion. You did this to her.

“This isn’t a good idea. He’s lied to you once. He’ll do it again,” he says with anger.

“I can handle him, Hart.” My girl’s voice sounds so small. So entirely broken.

“Are you sure?” She nods. “I’ll be right inside if you need me.”

Hartley eyes me up and down with daggers before heading inside the apartment. Violet sits on the top step right outside her door. I join her and gently brush my knee against hers. I need contact with her, and I’ll take what I can get.

“Why?” She shoots me the prettiest eyes in the world, welled with tears waiting to break free.

“Baby.” I move to grab her hand, and she flinches. Her face scrunches with hurt covering her features.

“Don’t.” She scoots farther away. “You can’t come here and act like we are ok. We’re not.”

“I know we aren’t, and I know I screwed up.”

“Screwed up? You humiliated me. I was so scared that something bad happened to you that I searched the entire town trying to find you,” she explains.

“I’m-”

“Let me finish,” she says with tears rolling down her face. “Only to find you belligerent at the bar, treating me like I’m dirt under your shoe. Did I ever mean anything to you? Or was this just a game?”

“Let me make it make sense. Please, Violet. I owe you that,” I beg her.

“I was there. All I ever wanted was for you to let me in. You chose to shut me out. Ha. How stupid am I? I thought this was about game-time nerves.” She chuckles manically.

“I couldn’t ruin you along with me. You’re inherently good. I couldn’t handle the thought of dragging you into this,” I explain with the most honesty I’ve given her in weeks. “Mom’s bills were piling up, and my back was against the wall. She needed this, and I needed your presence more than I cared about telling you the truth.”

“What does that even mean?” she grabs my hands, twisting her body to face me. Dried up tears mark her face while fresh ones continue to roll down her cheeks.

“I knew when you found out, it would be over. I’m selfish. I wanted to hold on to us as long as I could before you left me.”

“That’s how little you think of me?” she asks with a heart-shattering expression. Her crying has kicked up. She gasps for air in hyperventilation.

“Baby, breathe,” I rub her back gently to calm her down. It’s killing me to see her like this. It’s worse knowing I caused her pain. She takes a few deep breaths to gather her composure before she continues.

“You thought I would bolt if you leaned on me?” she asks the question again.

“You’re too good for me,” I blurt out without answering her question.

“Run then, Ryan. Run from me. All I ever needed from you was the truth, and you shattered my trust.” She stands to leave my side. I know I need to say something to stop her from leaving, but this move feels permanent.

“Please,” I beg.

“You broke me.” She looks back to me. “And I loved you more than anything I ever had.” She slams the door behind her, leaving me on her top step like Romeo. Lost and wrecked so completely.

“Me too,” I whisper under my breath. I make it to my car and collapse my forehead against the wheel. I punch my steering wheel, yet again, opening up old wounds. When my head lifts to start my car, it’s dark outside.