30. Violet

30

Violet

I meet Liza at my apartment, and we begin our game day routine. Liza brings food and connects her phone to my Bluetooth speaker. Liza has the best playlists. It’s the perfect blend of hip-hop, country, and Taylor Swift. I go heavy on the eye makeup because I’m feeling myself tonight, applying cat eyes with gold glitter eyeshadow, mascara, and pink lip gloss. Liza’s makeup always looks flawless. I’m learning a lot about makeup from her. She introduced me to liquid eyeliner, and it’s been a game changer.

“How do I look?” I ask.

“Like Ryan is going to jump your bones!” she squeals. She’s the best hype woman.

“Nothing compares to you. Trying to impress Hartley?” I joke with her because she squirms whenever I bring up whatever is going on between her and Hartley.

“ Friends , Violet, friends !” she playfully shoves me.

“Whatever you say.” Neither of them are willing to admit it, but I see the way they look at each other. It’s definitely not friendship, but they’ll admit that sooner or later.

“Are we walking or driving?” She looks at me, popping her hip.

“I’ll drive. Hartley left the car.” We swiftly lock up the apartment and jump into my small car. Liza connects her phone and picks up where her playlist left off.

“I’m so excited for the game! If they win, they’ll play an away game in the semis!” she says.

“I know. I haven’t talked to Ryan since he left this morning. I didn’t want to bother him on game day. I can’t wait to see him run on the field.” Seeing my man in full uniform run to me from the tunnel makes me giddy.

We park in the main lot, show our tickets, and find our seats we’ve spent the past season in. I could get used to this routine. The game starts in half an hour, so we join the concession line to get nachos before kickoff. There are so many people waiting in line before the game. The anxious anticipation radiating off the fans is intense in the best way. I hear chatter behind me from a group of guys.

“Did you hear he’s out tonight?” the guys mumble.

“Why?” someone behind me asks.

“Don’t know. Heard it’s team-related issues. Didn’t see anything about an injury,” deep voices continue behind me.

Who could they be talking about? Ryan or Hartley didn’t mention any of the starters being out tonight. I turn to Liza, but she’s too preoccupied on social media to eavesdrop with me.

My curiosity gets the best of me. I turn around and ask, “Who is out tonight?”

One of the guys replies, “Rumor is Ryan Shane is out for the game.”

“Oh, that’s not true. He’s my boyfriend, and he's definitely playing,” I say with confidence.

“Could just be a rumor,” the guys answer with nonchalance.

Why is there a rumor that Ryan isn’t playing? Weird, but I guess when you’re a top NFL recruit there’s always rumors flying around.

I lean over to Liza and get her opinion on this. “Did you hear those guys? They said there’s a rumor that Ryan isn’t playing tonight.”

“What? No way. Ryan would have told you if he got hurt.” She doesn’t seem phased, so I push it to the back of my mind.

We pay for our nachos and go back to our seats. The stadium has filled up now that the game is fifteen minutes away. The team should be coming onto the field any minute. I wait eagerly for Ryan to bust through and sprint onto the field. Seeing him do his thing is sexy. The loud music begins, indicating the team's arrival. Fireworks set off, signaling that the guys are here. I search for Ryan’s number in the crowd of players but can’t find him. He should head over to me any minute now.

Liza waves frantically to Hartley, and he blows her a playful kiss. Yeah, those two are definitely “just friends”. She leans over to me and says loudly, “Where’s Ryan? I don’t see him with the running backs.”

I begin to panic. Ryan isn’t with the running backs. He’s nowhere to be found. I need to get Hartley’s attention before I pass out from anxiety. My heart will shatter for him if he is hurt. I catch Hartley’s attention and wave him over to me. He looks around to make sure he can cut out from warm-ups before beelining it to the stands. Leaning over the metal barrier, I say, “Where’s Ryan?”

“Vi, I’ll have to explain after the game. Some shady stuff went down. I can’t let myself go there, or I’ll lose it,” he tells me.

“Where is he?” I ask with a clear panic in my voice. Ryan would have told me if he was in trouble. Something isn’t adding up.

“Vi, I don’t know. No one can reach him. We’ll talk later,” he begs me, but I’m out of my seat before he can finish. I hear Liza’s voice trail behind me.

“Violet, wait! I’m coming with you. What’s going on?”

“It’s Ryan… He’s… I don’t know.. Hartley said-” I’m not thinking clearly. My mind is focused on one thing: finding Ryan.

“I’m not letting you drive by yourself. You are too upset!” she yells at me. “Don’t fight me. I’m coming.” It’s not worth the fight right now. The more time I spend arguing with Liza, the more time wasted when I could use it to find my boyfriend.

“Get in,” I say.

I push Ryan’s contact. His phone goes straight to voicemail. Weird, but I guess this isn’t unusual considering he ghosted me for hours at his mom’s house during Christmas break. I try three more times to confirm that my calls won’t go through.

“Try to call him from your phone,” I tell Liza.

She tries with no luck.

“Let’s go by the apartment and his house first.” My stomach is in knots, and I’m trying my best not to empty my guts in the car. We pass by both places with no luck. I decide to drive downtown next.

“What did Hartley say happened?” Liza asks timidly. I didn’t mean to take my frustration out on her earlier. She is supporting me the best she can.

“He said something sketchy happened, but he couldn’t talk about it,” I repeat what my best friend dropped on me.

“Maybe he’s hurt,” she says hopefully.

“Doubt it,” I gulp, glance at her, then return my focus to the road. “If he got hurt, he would have told me. I have a feeling this is worse.”

“Don’t think like that.” Liza reaches over and rubs my shoulder. I’m glad to have her here. She’s the only thing keeping me from slipping over the edge.

We drive down every street, taking turns checking restaurants, gas stations, and parks. Ryan doesn’t drink in public, but I’m in desperation mode and have to check just to rule them out. We park in the shared lot by Downtown Tap and walk in. As soon as I pass the bouncer, my heart cracks into a million tiny pieces.

I see my broken boy hunched over the bar with his hands laced through his hair. He is surrounded by empty shot glasses and half-naked women draped over him. He isn’t giving them any attention, but the sight guts me. He’s wearing the same thing he left the apartment in this morning. How long has he been here?

Without thinking, I run to him and grab his shoulders. His delayed response to my touch on his back and glassy eyes tell me he’s wasted. He seems completely indifferent about seeing me here.

“Babe, what’s going on?” My eyes search his, frantically, for answers.

“Why are you here?” he replies with hollow eyes. I smell the harsh stench of alcohol on his breath.

“Why are you here?” I shoot back at him. Hurt painted on my panicked face. My hands shake like a leaf, and I’m close to falling apart at the sight of him.

“Figured your best friend would have mentioned how much of a screw-up I am,” he slurs, and with every word, my heart fractures more.

“He didn’t exactly have time to tell me why my boyfriend was a no-show for the playoff game. I was there waiting for you, Ryan.” I’m trying to be patient, but I’m wearing thin. I need him to tell me what’s going on.

He turns and signals for the bartender. The middle-aged woman wearing a revealing top stops by Ryan. He orders another shot. I glare at the woman and silently signal that he’s had enough. She nods in agreement and brings him a glass of water instead.

“Doesn’t matter. It’s over. If you know what’s good for you, you’ll leave. I’m nothing anymore. You’ve always been too good for me, anyway,” he spits with a loss of hope in his voice. His eyes aren’t the same ones that locked with mine when I revealed my mental health struggles. His hands aren’t the same ones that cradle me safely in my bed every night, shielding me away from my darkest thoughts. This isn’t my Ryan. I refuse to let him do this.

“You don’t mean that.” Silent tears roll down my face. My hand hasn’t left his muscular shoulder, and my feet are frozen in place.

“I do. You and I both knew this wouldn’t last. Look at us.” He gestures at me as if I’m a spectacle on display for him.

“Stop. This isn’t you. We both know it,” I raise my voice. I’m losing control of my emotions with each word. My breathing escalates, and I begin to see a black rim form around my eyes. Panic and self-doubt sets in like wildfire.

“Look up.” He waves to the big TV sitting above the bar. I don’t immediately recognize why he wants me to look, but then it hits me. Across the bottom of the screen, there is a little news banner that rolls continuously. I read the tiny letters: Ryan Shane suspended indefinitely for violation of NCAA rules.

My eyes dart to my boyfriend in total confusion. What rules did he break?

“What’s happening?” I ask one last time in hopes that he will explain this incredibly confusing mess of a situation to the person he claims to love the most. He continues to ignore me and drown his worries in the bottom of a drink. “Ryan, tell me what’s going on.”

“If I tell you, will you leave?” he asks, annoyed.

“Yes.” I have to remain strong. I can’t let him see how heartbreaking it is to hear the love of my life try his best to get me out of his sight.

“I bet on some games. Knew it was against the rules. Did it anyway,” he answers with nonchalance.

“Bet?” I’m still not getting it.

“Yes, Violet, betting. I put money on some games, and now it’s over,” He takes a sip of the water in front of him and loses his mind at the taste of it on his tongue. He waves the glass around arrogantly and screams, “ This isn’t vodka. I need a refill. ” All eyes are on my out-of-control boyfriend.

“Ryan, stop. Let’s go home,” No matter how much his hurtful words have shattered my heart tonight, I need to get him out of here before someone calls the police.

“Home? You aren’t in charge of me.” Will he remember any of this tomorrow morning?

“I’m not leaving you here wasted with a bunch of random people who would love to take advantage of the scene you are causing!” I scream, pulling his arms to urge him to leave with me. We can fix this if we get out of here.

“I have nothing anymore. What does it matter? Let them take all the videos they want. I don’t care anymore.”

“You had me.” I’m hysterically crying. My body is shaking so much that I could collapse at any moment. Where is Liza? I need to get out of here.

“It was fun while it lasted. It was only a matter of time before you saw the real me and had the opportunity to run. Run, Vi.” His final statement cracks the last piece of my heart into shambles. I need to get out of here before this spirals out of control more than it already has.

I don’t have a clear understanding of the events that transpired tonight, but I know Ryan’s heart, and I refuse to give up on him. With what is left of my dignity, I turn my back and run out of the bar. I collapse on the brick wall outside and cry so hard that I’m choking. I can’t catch my breath. Liza joins me on the cold cement and pulls me in. I can’t form words. The pain is too much. It’s all rushing back to me like a tidal wave. Ryan made me believe in something again after my grandpa’s passing. He allowed me to put my trust in someone other than Hartley, and he took a jackhammer to all of it tonight.

Liza doesn’t say anything, but she continues to hold me in a tight embrace. She simply sits with me outside of the bar and lets me break down in her arms. After a while, she stands me up and helps me get to my car. She takes the wheel without hesitation and drives us back to my apartment.

“C.. Co.. Could you-” I try my best to form the question my brain is thinking.

“I’m staying,” she reaches over and gives my thigh a squeeze.

She helps me into my bed and pulls the covers over me.

“I know you can’t talk right now, and I know you’re far from alright, but when you’re ready, I’m here. I’m not leaving. Ok?” I nod my head to acknowledge her words. I’m out of tears for the night, and my soul is painfully dark. I’ve maxed out hate, anger, sadness, and grief. I have nothing left inside.